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Amanda.Rx

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So, I went to visit my sister this weekend, and we spent some good time together.

My sister is about 6 years older than me, just got married about a year ago, and is in a very stressful job situation.

Granted, we are a bit different- she was a little bit more of a wild child in college than me, had a lot more relationships than I did, and didn''t meet her now husband until she was 22, was engaged at about 25, and then she was then married at almost 27 years old.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and I am now 22 years old. I mentioned that we were probably thinking of getting engaged soon, and she really didn''t react excited towards it. She was more taken aback by it. She asked me if he had even asked our father (which I replied that he was planning on it, but wouldn''t tell me exactly when he did it). She also seemed like she started to lecture me, saying "Well, are you sure you''re ready, b/c this is kind of permanent." I don''t plan to get married for another probably 4 years. We''re just really ready to take our relationship to the next step.

I guess I was just looking for some excitement from her, but all I got was the feeling that she thinks that I''m too young and I''m going to make a mistake. I was thrilled when she got engaged, and now I''m really dissapointed that she''s not happy for me.

Does anyone else think that 22-23 years old is too young to be engaged? I''m hoping that it''s the stress getting to my sister, and that she''ll come around and get excited for me. I''m pretty bummed out about it right now, though!
 
Not at all. It all depends on the couple, really. Don''t ever let anyone tell you that you are too young. Only you and you as a couple know when you are ready. Just be sure that it''s really what you want and not what you *think* you should be doing at this stage in your life.

You sound like me. I am 23, will be 24 a month from yesterday, and I am totally ready for the next *STEP* I would like to be engaged for about 1 1/2 to 2 years before getting married b/c I truly feel that being engaged is a very important part of the relationship. Others view it as the next logical step before getting married and nothing more. And to each their own, there is nothing wrong with that but it means more to me than that.

I hope that helped!
 
Wow thats a tough question. I guess it depends on the person, and the situation the person is in.

I do think that a sometimes people start dating someone in their late teens, and 5 years later when they are 22, they feel the need to get married simply because the relationship seems good and marriage is the "next logical step". Another 5 years later they realize they no longer have anything in common.

Some people, on the other hand, really do find their perfect person when they are 16, but sometimes I think it is hard to know they are "the one" if you never had the chance to date around as an "adult".

I am only 23 and recently became engaged (we have been together a year and a half, not very long to some people). My situations works for me because I met my fiance 2 months before I graduated college, and entered the "working adult" world. So I feel I did have enough time to date around in college and figure out what I needed in a husband. Also, he is almost 6 years older than me, and for whatever reason, him being nearly 30, established, and never engaged or married in past reassured me that he truly knows I am the one, and its not just puppy love.

When I knew my fiance was the one I was going to marry, I questioned if I was too young, because I never saw myself getting married before my late 20s. Some people have also made snarky remarks about how ridiculous it is that we will only have been together 2 years when we get married. Yes it made me question things, but then I looked at the opinions of the people who mattered to me, and they are wondering what took us so long to get where we are! (I made sure to cross the nay-sayers off the guest list
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People's remarks will naturally make you second guess yourself, especially coming from you sister, but just make sure your decision to get engaged/married is for the all the right reasons.
 
Date: 9/22/2008 6:38:50 PM
Author: inhisarms17
Not at all. It all depends on the couple, really. Don''t ever let anyone tell you that you are too young. Only you and you as a couple know when you are ready. Just be sure that it''s really what you want and not what you *think* you should be doing at this stage in your life.

You sound like me. I am 23, will be 24 a month from yesterday, and I am totally ready for the next *STEP* I would like to be engaged for about 1 1/2 to 2 years before getting married b/c I truly feel that being engaged is a very important part of the relationship. Others view it as the next logical step before getting married and nothing more. And to each their own, there is nothing wrong with that but it means more to me than that.

I hope that helped!
I don''t see engagement as anything more than a time to plan, and the path between dating and marriage. It''s not that it''s not important, it''s just that it''s so important it shouldn''t be used as anything else. It should be a condensed time to focus on the ways your relationship is going to change, and to plan out the ceremony that marks that change. It''s a time to contemplate the impact of the commitment you''re going to make. The engagement period really is nothing more than the time marking the planning process. I''m not sure really how to articulate it, but I guess I don''t really see it as something that needs time on it''s own, I see it as the path to something important. (You know, as I write this, I realize we may be more on the same page than I thought at first...)

OP: I''m not sure why your sister reacted the way she did, but I''m sorry she wasn''t more excited for you.
 
As a general rule, couple dependent, I do not. It really depends on the couple, but overall I think that is reasonable, especially if you have a good relationship.
 
Date: 9/22/2008 6:19:27 PM
Author:Amanda.Rx
So, I went to visit my sister this weekend, and we spent some good time together.

My sister is about 6 years older than me, just got married about a year ago, and is in a very stressful job situation.

Granted, we are a bit different- she was a little bit more of a wild child in college than me, had a lot more relationships than I did, and didn''t meet her now husband until she was 22, was engaged at about 25, and then she was then married at almost 27 years old.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and I am now 22 years old. I mentioned that we were probably thinking of getting engaged soon, and she really didn''t react excited towards it. She was more taken aback by it. She asked me if he had even asked our father (which I replied that he was planning on it, but wouldn''t tell me exactly when he did it). She also seemed like she started to lecture me, saying ''Well, are you sure you''re ready, b/c this is kind of permanent.'' I don''t plan to get married for another probably 4 years. We''re just really ready to take our relationship to the next step.

I guess I was just looking for some excitement from her, but all I got was the feeling that she thinks that I''m too young and I''m going to make a mistake. I was thrilled when she got engaged, and now I''m really dissapointed that she''s not happy for me.

Does anyone else think that 22-23 years old is too young to be engaged? I''m hoping that it''s the stress getting to my sister, and that she''ll come around and get excited for me. I''m pretty bummed out about it right now, though!
Uhmmm, in this day and age, I''d have to say yes. But that is a generalization; some people are ready at a young age. Just make sure you are not denying yourself any experiences you might have as a single young woman because you are ''in a committed relationship''. Do not put off school, a chance at a great job, a move that would benefit you, because of a boyfriend. At least not if those things could be important to you at any point in the future. When you have satisfied yourself that you are as complete as you need to be singly, then you are ready to move forward with someone else.
 
No, I don''t think 22 or 23 is to young. I was engaged when I was 23, married at 24 and I am now 25. I think I was plenty mature enough to take that step...and we''re very happy. However, not every 22 or 23 is mature enough...heck, not every 30 year old is mature enough. It''s completely relative, in my opinion.

I think that "being ready to take the next step" is very nice...but you''re also talking about having one heck of a long engagement (4 years!!!). Some people would obviously question why''d you essentially "hurry up and wait"... when you could just enough the next 3 years and have more traditional length engagement.

On the flip side, I am also a big sister. And, I don''t care how old my sister is...I never see her as being old enough. It''s not that I doubt her maturity, or don''t trust her judgment...it''s just that, in my eyes, she''ll always be more or less a kid. She''s 20 now...living in an apartment...but I still look at her as this little girl that I am meant to protect and watch over. I know she''s grown...but at heart, she''s my baby sister. I think of her at 20--and I think, no way is she ready to get married, or "do it" or anything remotely grown up...and if she were to call me and say "I met the one"....I think I''d pass out. But thats my issue, and something I''ll have to get over. And, your sister will too.

I''m willing to bet, by the time the ring is on your finger and planning ensues, your sister will be very happy (albeit cautious) for you.

P.S: The comment about asking your dad is a very big sister/little sister comment....its her way of pushing towards doing it all the right way.... You''re lucky to have someone love that much!
 
princesss, lol, I do think we are more on the same page than you originally realized. Hehe. I meant basically what you said. The engagement time frame is, in my opinion, a very critical point. A LOT of things can change w/in this time, and that is why I view it as being a very important/critical step in the relationship.

But like I said, for the most part, I think we''re on the same page... I just never know how to effectively explain what I am trying to get across.
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lol
 
Date: 9/22/2008 7:09:56 PM
Author: inhisarms17
princesss, lol, I do think we are more on the same page than you originally realized. Hehe. I meant basically what you said. The engagement time frame is, in my opinion, a very critical point. A LOT of things can change w/in this time, and that is why I view it as being a very important/critical step in the relationship.


But like I said, for the most part, I think we''re on the same page... I just never know how to effectively explain what I am trying to get across.
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lol


Haha, that''s kind of what I thought was going on as I kept typing.
 
wow, i am so glad this topic came up! SO and I are moving out to CO and my older sister lives out there too and I still haven''t told her we''ve been ring shopping and stuff too just because I am afraid she might have the same reaction your sister did. And we''ve been together less than you guys have haha, oh man.
 
Hello-

As a young LIW (I am almost 21) I can see where you are coming from. My boyfriend and I have been together just 4 years this past august. We want to be engaged by the end of the school year (may). (Well that is his time line for me )
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I do know what all of you ladies are saying about being young and changing when you are older. If it happens to me, I will definitely accept it. I have already changed a lot since I met my boyfriend and he has also. If you think he is the one, I don''t see why there is anything wrong with having a long engagement. That is exactly what my boyfriend and I are doing. We don''t want to be married until we''re 25-26.

You are older than me and I think that if you feel it''s right for you, no one should really have a say but you because in the end, everything will work out (or so I like to think!!!)
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I also totally agree with HollyS in the way that she is saying don''t put anything off because if anything does change, you don''t want to have major regrets. Do things you want to do. good luck!
 
Hi Amanda!

I too think that it greatly depends on the couple. I''m 22 my fiance is 24 and we just got engaged last Thursday. Both of our parents and most of our friends where anxiously awaiting our engagment, noone gave us any lectures on being "too young". I really believe it''s because they where able to see that we geniouly love each other, are great together, and very responsible.

I bought my house at 20 years old, pay my bills, and take care of my home. While my FI lives with his parents (he''s moving in this week!!), it was a decision between the two of us not to move intogether until we where engaged, anywho, he still pays all of his own bills himself and saves money. We still go out and party and have fun, but we also make home improvements together, save for things together, and talk about how we''re going to handle all the issues being engaged/married brings. I know alot of people my age that I don''t think are ready for such a big step, but I also know that we are.

Some people are just ready to move on earlier in life, while some are not. In my opinion there is no right or wrong decision, it''s all based on the maturity level of both partners.
 
amanda --

your sister probably knows you better than almost anybody, if she has concerns about your relationship they may be valid. you should find out what''s really bothering her, if it''s your age, maturity, the dynamic of your relationship, whatever. if her only problem is that she doesn''t think you''re "old enough," that''s kind of silly and you can probably disregard it. but if her problems stem elsewhere you may want to let her communicate that to you. hope that helps!!
 
I think there is variation based on where people live. Where my family lives in KS, 22/23 is very normal. Also down here in the south. Not so much in L.A., D.C. and other cities I have been to. I just turned 26, most of my friends are unmarried, even the long termers like myself (5 yrs on Thursday!
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) I personally couldn't imagine being engaged at that age. I couldn't imagine being engaged for 2+ years either, but that doesn't mean it's not doable. You know in your heart what you are ready for. The average age of marriage is trending upward, so you will probably hear a lot of "you are SOOO young,"... probably best to brace yourself for it.
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I think there is a general trend of thinking of young relationships as "less serious" or "puppy love". I have heard a lot of people talk about those types of relationships as "practice", which seems quite insulting to me. On the other hand, this is coming from people that came out of a young long term relationship and met someone else, who they later married... there are a lot of people who are not advocates of marrying your 1st serious BF.

ETA: I agree 100% with Italia... no matter what, your older sister will always see you as little sis. I don't like the idea of my 22 year old sister kissing boys, let alone marrying one. I would die. Literally. And my SO's 25 year old brother got married in July and SO was fit to be tied and still worries about him constantly. Siblings will always be siblings.
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Honestly, I think this is just her protective, big sister instinct kicking in. I am actually an older sister myself so I can COMPLETELY understand. If your sister''s anything like me, I would probably have done the same thing--if not reacted worse. 22-23 could be viewed as being on the younger side but I really just think it''s her instinctive need to protect you and make sure that you''re 100% sure before making any possible mistakes that she might''ve made.
 
hi amanda, i''m sorry that your sis wasn''t more excited for you thats a real bummer!
I am your age and also a big sister and I understand the whole protective thing and just wanting the best for them ect. Oh i should add that i got engaged about 2 months ago and I will be married in 18 moths or so, so no i don''t think that 22 is to young, he is 29. I will be just 24 when i get married. This is significantly older than most people from my home town. But as others mentioned i wanted to get my degree and have some life experience etc.

My younger sister got engaged to her bf of 5mths about 3 months ago, she is 19 years old. From a big sister perspective this is a scenario where you would be concerned!!! She is very strong willed and opinionated and firmly believes that he is "the one". I sincerely hope she is right, however with her personality if i dared question her, she would not speak to me again and cut me out of her life.

I really do not think she is mature enough/had enough life experience to make a huge commitment like this. She is still at uni and not due to graduate until the end of 2010. She plans to marry him in late 2010, she will be 21 by then.

By contrast you have been with your SO for three years, that''s a decent amount of time, I would assume that if your sister had any particular problems with him or your relationship she would have voiced them by now. In my opinion once you start to get to that 3-4 year stage people generally start assuming that you are serious, and planning marriage sometime in the next few years. I think you aren''t being rash or silly, plus a four year engagement is a very long time.

All the best, hopefully once you are actually engaged she will be happy (and take you seriously).
 
Date: 9/22/2008 6:19:27 PM
Author:Amanda.Rx
So, I went to visit my sister this weekend, and we spent some good time together.

My sister is about 6 years older than me, just got married about a year ago, and is in a very stressful job situation.

Granted, we are a bit different- she was a little bit more of a wild child in college than me, had a lot more relationships than I did, and didn''t meet her now husband until she was 22, was engaged at about 25, and then she was then married at almost 27 years old.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and I am now 22 years old. I mentioned that we were probably thinking of getting engaged soon, and she really didn''t react excited towards it. She was more taken aback by it. She asked me if he had even asked our father (which I replied that he was planning on it, but wouldn''t tell me exactly when he did it). She also seemed like she started to lecture me, saying ''Well, are you sure you''re ready, b/c this is kind of permanent.'' I don''t plan to get married for another probably 4 years. We''re just really ready to take our relationship to the next step.

I guess I was just looking for some excitement from her, but all I got was the feeling that she thinks that I''m too young and I''m going to make a mistake. I was thrilled when she got engaged, and now I''m really dissapointed that she''s not happy for me.

Does anyone else think that 22-23 years old is too young to be engaged? I''m hoping that it''s the stress getting to my sister, and that she''ll come around and get excited for me. I''m pretty bummed out about it right now, though!
I don''t really have an opinion on the right age to become engaged. I did want to point out a couple of things that might put your sister''s reaction in perspective for you, so you won''t think she''s just not excited.

You mentioned that you were thrilled when she got engaged. Well sure you were, you were only 18 or 19. At that age all romances seem "fated" and thrilling
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She is looking at your relationship through the eyes of someone whos'' been there, done that. She knows how much work a marriage takes. So it''s perfectly understandable that she''s concerned for you. I think she''s just showing some sisterly love, not trying to be a wet blanket.
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Want to mention I was 23 when I got engaged, 24 when I got married and just celebrated my 18th anniversary!
 
Whether it's 'seen as' too young will depend on people's own experience, the way things are in their peer group and where they live.

Here in London, amongst my peer group we only started the 'wedding years' last year. I have six weddings to go to next year already and not one of the people involved is under 30. These are all first time marriages. I got married just 2 months ago at 36.

I know people from school who were married under 25 and every single one of them is now divorced.

Certainly if my 23 year-old sister was to announce she was engaged, the whole family would be horrified and she would definitely be seen as too young.

I think cost of living has a lot to do with it here - most people can't afford to buy a house until their late 20's at the earliest as you need around $500k for a tiny 2 bed flat on a welfare project let alone anything really nice. Most people are more involved with their careers than their relationships until they're coming up to 30.
 
No, I don''t think you''re too young. What concerned me a little is your planning a four-year engagement. Four years is a really long time to be in a "transitional phase," which is what engagement is, in my opinion.

Some very wise people have told me: "Don''t get engaged unless you''re willing to marry him tomorrow." Are you willing to marry him tomorrow? Are you ready to make that commitment to each other right now? If not, maybe you should hold off on the engagement. This doesn''t mean that you aren''t committed or that you don''t love each other--it just means that you are waiting a little longer for marriage, which is not a bad thing.

This is just my $.02--wishing you the best in whatever you choose to do.
 
Date: 9/23/2008 5:37:45 PM
Author: kittybean

Some very wise people have told me: ''Don''t get engaged unless you''re willing to marry him tomorrow.'' Are you willing to marry him tomorrow? Are you ready to make that commitment to each other right now? If not, maybe you should hold off on the engagement. This doesn''t mean that you aren''t committed or that you don''t love each other--it just means that you are waiting a little longer for marriage, which is not a bad thing.
I totally agree with this. While there''s nothing wrong with a long engagement, if you wouldn''t run down to the courthouse and sign the papers tomorrow (figuratively speaking -- obviously you''re entitled to plan the style of wedding you want), maybe some waiting is in order before you get engaged.
 
Wow... thanks for all of the insight- I guess I wasn''t really looking for THAT much advice, but it was a good read. Maybe I should fill you in a bit more:

BF & I have been together for 3 years. We are both in school still, but will both be graduating in 2010. At this point, I will have my doctorate of pharmacy at the age of 24 and his will have his masters in German at the age of 24 also.

From there, we have full intentions of continuing our education- he has ambitions of going to law school, and I have my eye on a 2 year residency. We are already accustomed to long distances, and are willing to live separately if need be to finish our education.

So to clarify a few concerns out there:

I''m not letting my relationship hold me back in any way. The MAJORITY of pharmacy students choose NOT to do a residency (much less a 2 year deal), but it''s the highest ladder you can climb in the pharmacy education world. BF supports me 100%, and I support his decision to go to law school.

Yes, I would marry him tomorrow, but I think it would be stupid. I defintaely love him enough, but I think marriage is about more than just love. I know that we don''t have the money to do it, and I definately feel that I am too young for marriage. I couldn''t support myself right now if I had to, and I''m not going to depend on him to support me either. We wouldn''t think of getting married until we''re both done with school and can support ourselves independently in the "real" world. We know money will be tight during residency and law school- we''re prepared for it. I think of engagement as more of a true committment to stay together, not a green light to plan a wedding in the shortest amount of time possible.

I guess what I''m getting at is this: We know we want to spend our lives together. We think that we make not only good lovers, but good friends and good partners. BF is financially smart and has already saved for the ring. We''re ready for the next step (and I''m 75% sure he''s already bought the ring). I realize that 4 years is a long engagement, and I struggled with the idea at first... but dating for 7 years without real committment is also a very long time.

Sorry for the long post... I''m not trying to "defend" myself but I didn''t want you all to think I''m a total flake that decided to get engaged on a whim...

I just want my sister to be happy- I started the post to vent, but there''s nothing any of us can do to change that, unfortunately.

Thanks for listening!
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I got married at 21 and that was 28 years ago...and still going strong. Only you know if you are old enough!
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Well it sounds like you guys are on the right track with your lives.

it''s sad that your sister wasn''t happy for you, and like most people said before it''s most likely her just being over-protective and wanting the best for you. Her intentions are probably in the right place but it still makes me sad because this is a time in your life that you want to share your joy and excitement with close friends and family.

I can''t imagine how disappointing it must feel to anxiously share news with someone you''re almost sure will share your excitement, but then goes on to question if it''s such a good idea.. Don''t let it put a damper on things! Maybe you could have a talk with her.. she needs to realize that you are on your own path (and that you are an adult now!), and for her to question what you know is true in your heart is really hurtful.

She will come around eventually.

Wish you the best...
 
I think you sound very sensible - but I think you need to prepare yourself for odd comments and raised eyebrows in real life. It'' more usual to get engaged and then set a date.

You may find a lot of people don''t take your engagement so seriously when you explain it''s just a next step and you will be waiting 4 years or so before you get married.

On the other hand, you may get none of this - but better to be prepared. I (or rather my mother) got a lot of comments about our having a ''ridiculous'' 19 month engagement (and that was only due to venue constrictions) and were we really serious.

Mind you, some of these people shut up when their own son got engaged and they couldn''t find a venue - and had to wait 14 months themselves. They found one available date, otherwise they would have been getting married after a 26 month engagement!
 
I also think that it is dependant on the couple.

Either way, you will always have someone telling you that you are "getting married to young/old" your "engagement is to long/short" etc.
No matter what decision you make, someone will always tell you that your making the wrong decision.. just be sure your comfortable and confident within your choices and that is all you can do
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First of all I wanted to say that I''m a bad PSer didn''t read all of the posts (just a few) so if I repeat anything I apologize.

So here''s my $.02

I have a younger sister...she''s not 6 years younger...she''s 2...but still younger. She has been with her BF for almost 4 years, living together for 2 1/2, and they just recently bought a house together in August. She is one of the most mature, level headed 22 year olds I have ever known. She has always been that way. I trust every decision she makes because I know she makes them after great thought. However, that doesn''t stop me from questioning her, and worring about her. When she told me that she planned on buying a house with her BF I was concerned...I questioned her motives, his motives...I told her every concievable "what if" that could happen...but not because I didn''t want her go through with it...because I love her and want only the best for her.

My point is that maybe you should take your sister''s questioning not as her not being happy or excited for you, but as her wanting the best for you. I''ll tell you right now that no matter how old my sister is...when she tells me that her and BF are getting engaged I''ll still question if she''s thought everything through and if she''s sure this is want she wants to do...and if she''s sure then I will be excited for her...I think that''s the mentallity of a lot of older sisters.

I think ultimately your sis is excited for you...she just loves you, wants the best for you, and doesn''t want to see you hurt.
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But I dont'' know the dymanic of your relationship...this is just my opinion as an older sister.
 
Wait until you are engaged before you get upset at your sister for not being "excited" - people aren''t generally excited about a wedding that is going to happen in four years or an engagement that hasn''t happened yet (if they haven''t been waiting and waiting for it!)

At this point, you have told her that you are considering it, so there could be nothing to congratulate or get all bubbly and giddy about in her mind, especially with the proposed wedding being four years in the future.

I think it''s natural for an older sister to be protective and ask the important questions during the "considering getting engaged" period. She should be happy that you''re happy of course, but as far as excitement... just wait for it
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In my opinion, 22 isn''t too early to be engaged, as long as both people are mature and support themselves. It happens when it happens. I know soooooo much more than I did six years ago (I''m 28), but I''m sure I''ll know sooooo much more when I''m 34. That doesn''t mean I need to wait another six years!
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Date: 9/22/2008 8:40:30 PM
Author: vita*dolce
amanda --

your sister probably knows you better than almost anybody, if she has concerns about your relationship they may be valid. you should find out what's really bothering her, if it's your age, maturity, the dynamic of your relationship, whatever. if her only problem is that she doesn't think you're 'old enough,' that's kind of silly and you can probably disregard it. but if her problems stem elsewhere you may want to let her communicate that to you. hope that helps!!
That's exactly what I was thinking.

I heard a lot of dissent when we got engaged (we were both 22 at the time). Like Izzy03, I quickly realized that it wasn't coming from people whose opinions I had respect for. It was the strangers, casual acquaintances, "friends" who have nothing good to say about anything, that had negative things to say about our choice to get married. But people whose opinions I cared about--close friends, family, etc.--they had all been wondering when it was "going to happen" for quite some time before the actual engagement.

I grew up in the midwest, and I'd guess the average age for marriage in my hometown hovers between 20-22. Here in LA, I don't personally know anyone under 27 that's married. We're sort of splitting the difference at 24--all my friends in the midwest thought my age at engagement was completely normal (even a bit late) and all our friends here, while they think it's great and appropriate timing for us, think we're technically very young.


So I guess the moral of the story is this: if the dissent is coming from people whose opinions don't matter to you, ignore it. If it's coming from those that you love and respect, take them seriously.
 
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