slightly blue joke or the joys of fast thinking

[movie zombie]

thought i''d post this here as those brave souls who walk the political threads might not be easily offended....besides, i thought this was just too cute!

if you read further, you''ve been warned!

oh, and i rec''d this from my mother-in-law in who lives in Western Australia........peace, movie zombie

\\\\\\

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property
for several years.
He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he
hadn''t been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We''re not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn''t come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked, or make you get out of the dam naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I''m here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men might walk slow but they can still think fast.

 

[websailor]

Thanks, that was cute!

 

[valeria101]

Offended !?

I'm laughing my soul out!

 

[MINE!!]

LOL.. thats great MZ...LOL

 

[crafftygrrl]

LOL!!!!!!!!

 

[belle]

lol....that was great

thanks for sharing it mz!

 

[strmrdr]

The old guy tries to order a pizza in the year 2008.

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?

Customer: Hi, I''d like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it''s
6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email
address is [email protected]. I see you are ordering from home.


Do you want it delivered there?

Customer: Uh, yes. Where''d you get all this information?

Operator: We''re wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We''re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will
add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I''d like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas.

Operator: I don''t think that''s a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and implant sensors indicate that
you''ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your
National Health Care provider won''t allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I''m sure you''ll like
it.

Customer: What makes you think I''d like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out ''Gourmet Soybean Recipes'' from your local
library last week, sir. That''s why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.


Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids.
Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I''m sorry sir, but I''m afraid you''ll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I''ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver
gets here.

Operator: That won''t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn
also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I''ll have the cash ready.
How long will it take?

Operator: We''re running a little behind, sir. It''ll be about 45 minutes.
If you''re in a hurry you might want to pick''em up while you''re out
getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a
little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a motorcycle?

Operator: It says here you''re in arrears on your car payments, so your
car got repo''ed. But your Harley''s paid for and you just filled the tank
yesterday.

Customer: Well, I''ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I''d advise watching your language, sir. You''ve already got a
July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one, I see
here, in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge.
Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90-day stay in the State
Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I''m sorry sir, but our ad''s exclusionary clause prevents us
from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits
this.

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

 

[crafftygrrl]

Ouch!!!!

LOL. too!!!!

 

[belle]

thanks strm.
the scary thing is...that could happen!

 

[MINE!!]

Funny joke.. but it is a damned if you do and damned if you don''t situation.

 

[movie zombie]

ok, so there is no accounting for Aussie humor! another from my mother-in-law titled:

ANOTHER AUSTRALIAN LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death''s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................

"%#*# off" she said, "they''re for the funeral."

 

[MINE!!]

LOL..