jas
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- May 9, 2006
- Messages
- 1,991
Don't worry, I get to be the hag in this one.
So, I'm starting to bang my head against the wall for the first time, and it's over the guest list and in a lesser sense, my FIL's expectations.
We're looking at about 200 guests, meaning about 250 invites (many of those "courtesy" invites -- you know, people who cannot/will not come, but to whom it means a lot to be invited. It's not a gift-grabby thing, but Great Aunt Tilly in Walla Walla is just not going to miss her "stories" to be at the wedding, but darn it all if she won't get her panties in an uproar if she doesn't get an invite.)
Anyway, we're looking at an Oct. wedding. I got a prelim list from my parents, expressly for the purpose of sending a Save the Date email. I asked to please only give me the people they are 100% certain they want to invite. I sent out about 45 emails to these people (friends/family, mine and my folks). I also added about 50 B-listers who did NOT get a Save the Date.
My Future Hubby compiled a preliminary list of about 50 people, and we sent those emails out this morning, as he's leaving town on business for a week, and he's very worried everyone is making travel plans (for October?) and wants them to pencil us in. He's been asking his mom for a list for a few days, now, with the understanding we'd be sending out some std's (hee!)
Fine.
He told his mamma, without a clear explanation of the B-list numbers we have, nor a clear explanation that a lot of his people were family (first cousins, aunts, etc. all the people we'd definitely invite). She felt that we'd already filled the guest list and were not respecting the 30-30-30 policy (30% my family's guests, 30% FI and my guests, 30% her family's guests. That last 10%? Who knows?) She was a little concerned. (I'm sure she threw a fit, sort of. She's not a fit-thrower, but I'll get into that.
So FI told his mom to send along her list to me and we'll take care of it. He also sent her a list of who we'd added.
I also just emailed her (they don't take calls this late at night, but I know she checks email) apologizing for the confusion and reassuring her that (a) lots of people on our list were NOT notified b/c we hadn't sorted out the A's and B's and (b) we were still taking into account her 30% and had been saving lots of space for her.
Hopefully she'll be ok with that, but I feel all icky about this. She's apparently "stymied" about this.
And now the other snag part -- FI is from a wealthy family. They are lovely, classy people and it's never ever been a problem that my family is not nearly as well off as they. There have been 3 weddings for his older sisters, apparently done to the hilt...you know, the kind that etiquette books would hold up as examples. I guess I'm paranoid that this looked tacky, even though it was not intentional.
Also, they are very gracious in understanding that my parents are not able to blow a huge wad on this. I refuse to let my parents do that. We're ok, and FI and I will be contributing to the wedding as well. We do not want his parents contributing, although from what I understand they are throwing a hell of a rehearsal dinner.
I'm just feeling a little pressure (self-imposed) not to look like a rube here. We will have a lovely day, but I'm just fighting this feeling right now. These are wonderful people and would never, ever even raise an eyebrow, and I do not feel like I need to keep up with the Joneses...I don't know what I feel right now.
My dad is a notorious thrifty guy, which I am thrilled about (it's how I've been able to live on a teacher's salary and pay off huge school loans for so long.) He's set a budget -- it's plenty, it's generous, and I'm touched. Our coordinator (thank goodness for her) has already paid for herself in knocking off some fees with venue and catering etc. and when we meet tomorrow, we'll see other ideas. I will be doing a lot of DIY stuff, which thankfully I have time and energy to do.
I've already had to talk to FI to manage his expectations. It's not that he doesn't respect my family's position -- he honestly lives in a different financial world than the rest of us, and, being a Libra and a perfectionist, wants everything top-o-the-line. I've had really excellent talks with him, and he gets it, but I think he was a little worried he's not getting the day of his dreams (and apparently he's dreamed about this a lot.) For example, I asked FI how he'd feel if my uncle played guitar and sang at the reception. His response (and please don't jump on him for this) was "Can I hear them beforehand?" Which I totally get, but sheesh, does he think I'd put Earl Toothpicker and His Amazing Playing-the-Banjo-With-Their-Toes Gang up there? It's the perfectionist in him, and I have to continually remind him that we're there to make memories, and if someone is so wrapped up in how many hot h'ors deouvers we have, they can blow it out their pipe.
FORTUNATELY, before I make him sound like a dingleberry, he wants to contribute every penny beyond my parents' budget, and he can afford to do so. So, that's a great solution. I will also be contributing, which makes me feel better. We've kinda divvied up paying areas...FI will pick up the catering costs of "extra guests" beyond 150 (if it gets that high) and he and I will pay for the cake, the band, and other items like the chuppa and the ketuba and whatever else.
So, ultimately, I guess it's not a problem. I just am having my first round of stress (ok, who am I kidding? My 4th round of stress -- don't get me started on the heartache my sister is causing.)
It's ONE DAY of our lives. I guess I just don't want to (a) irritate his mother this early as there are many years ahead of me to do that and (b) feel bad for no reason.
Sorry to vent...I guess I have nothing to complain about. I really know the day will be beautiful -- my focus is on the ceremony and how lovely it will be. Then point me to the bar. I'll need a cosmo. Or two.
Thanks for letting me vent.
So, I'm starting to bang my head against the wall for the first time, and it's over the guest list and in a lesser sense, my FIL's expectations.
We're looking at about 200 guests, meaning about 250 invites (many of those "courtesy" invites -- you know, people who cannot/will not come, but to whom it means a lot to be invited. It's not a gift-grabby thing, but Great Aunt Tilly in Walla Walla is just not going to miss her "stories" to be at the wedding, but darn it all if she won't get her panties in an uproar if she doesn't get an invite.)
Anyway, we're looking at an Oct. wedding. I got a prelim list from my parents, expressly for the purpose of sending a Save the Date email. I asked to please only give me the people they are 100% certain they want to invite. I sent out about 45 emails to these people (friends/family, mine and my folks). I also added about 50 B-listers who did NOT get a Save the Date.
My Future Hubby compiled a preliminary list of about 50 people, and we sent those emails out this morning, as he's leaving town on business for a week, and he's very worried everyone is making travel plans (for October?) and wants them to pencil us in. He's been asking his mom for a list for a few days, now, with the understanding we'd be sending out some std's (hee!)
Fine.
He told his mamma, without a clear explanation of the B-list numbers we have, nor a clear explanation that a lot of his people were family (first cousins, aunts, etc. all the people we'd definitely invite). She felt that we'd already filled the guest list and were not respecting the 30-30-30 policy (30% my family's guests, 30% FI and my guests, 30% her family's guests. That last 10%? Who knows?) She was a little concerned. (I'm sure she threw a fit, sort of. She's not a fit-thrower, but I'll get into that.
So FI told his mom to send along her list to me and we'll take care of it. He also sent her a list of who we'd added.
I also just emailed her (they don't take calls this late at night, but I know she checks email) apologizing for the confusion and reassuring her that (a) lots of people on our list were NOT notified b/c we hadn't sorted out the A's and B's and (b) we were still taking into account her 30% and had been saving lots of space for her.
Hopefully she'll be ok with that, but I feel all icky about this. She's apparently "stymied" about this.
And now the other snag part -- FI is from a wealthy family. They are lovely, classy people and it's never ever been a problem that my family is not nearly as well off as they. There have been 3 weddings for his older sisters, apparently done to the hilt...you know, the kind that etiquette books would hold up as examples. I guess I'm paranoid that this looked tacky, even though it was not intentional.
Also, they are very gracious in understanding that my parents are not able to blow a huge wad on this. I refuse to let my parents do that. We're ok, and FI and I will be contributing to the wedding as well. We do not want his parents contributing, although from what I understand they are throwing a hell of a rehearsal dinner.
I'm just feeling a little pressure (self-imposed) not to look like a rube here. We will have a lovely day, but I'm just fighting this feeling right now. These are wonderful people and would never, ever even raise an eyebrow, and I do not feel like I need to keep up with the Joneses...I don't know what I feel right now.
My dad is a notorious thrifty guy, which I am thrilled about (it's how I've been able to live on a teacher's salary and pay off huge school loans for so long.) He's set a budget -- it's plenty, it's generous, and I'm touched. Our coordinator (thank goodness for her) has already paid for herself in knocking off some fees with venue and catering etc. and when we meet tomorrow, we'll see other ideas. I will be doing a lot of DIY stuff, which thankfully I have time and energy to do.
I've already had to talk to FI to manage his expectations. It's not that he doesn't respect my family's position -- he honestly lives in a different financial world than the rest of us, and, being a Libra and a perfectionist, wants everything top-o-the-line. I've had really excellent talks with him, and he gets it, but I think he was a little worried he's not getting the day of his dreams (and apparently he's dreamed about this a lot.) For example, I asked FI how he'd feel if my uncle played guitar and sang at the reception. His response (and please don't jump on him for this) was "Can I hear them beforehand?" Which I totally get, but sheesh, does he think I'd put Earl Toothpicker and His Amazing Playing-the-Banjo-With-Their-Toes Gang up there? It's the perfectionist in him, and I have to continually remind him that we're there to make memories, and if someone is so wrapped up in how many hot h'ors deouvers we have, they can blow it out their pipe.
FORTUNATELY, before I make him sound like a dingleberry, he wants to contribute every penny beyond my parents' budget, and he can afford to do so. So, that's a great solution. I will also be contributing, which makes me feel better. We've kinda divvied up paying areas...FI will pick up the catering costs of "extra guests" beyond 150 (if it gets that high) and he and I will pay for the cake, the band, and other items like the chuppa and the ketuba and whatever else.
So, ultimately, I guess it's not a problem. I just am having my first round of stress (ok, who am I kidding? My 4th round of stress -- don't get me started on the heartache my sister is causing.)
It's ONE DAY of our lives. I guess I just don't want to (a) irritate his mother this early as there are many years ahead of me to do that and (b) feel bad for no reason.
Sorry to vent...I guess I have nothing to complain about. I really know the day will be beautiful -- my focus is on the ceremony and how lovely it will be. Then point me to the bar. I'll need a cosmo. Or two.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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