So confused

[Independent Gal]

I guess this is kind of a vent. Why do weddings have to be so complicated? I am just finding everything so upsetting.

But the weird thing is that I''m not even sure why. My friends are so wonderful. At the wedding we attended last weekend, we tried to keep the engagement low-key, but the bride was SO excited for us when she saw the ring that she got up and made an announcement and had everyone toast us. Another friend has offered a ''girls weekend'' on teh west coast as a sort of bachelorette. My brothers and sisters are all coming up with great ideas for us. My dad has offered a generous contribution for the wedding, adn is so excited that he calls several times a day. I absolutely LOVE my engagemnt ring. But not quite as much as I absolutely LOVE my FI who is truly the most wonderful man. My mom and my step-dad are psyched and have offered us a wonderful honeymoon package as a gift, and said ''no expense spared!'' to have a nice party. And my dad and I have made a pact that throughout the process if either of us gets upset, we will talk it through and be aware, conscious, and reasonable with each other. Isn''t that cool?

But I just feel sad because I still can''t figure out what I want. I tried reading bridal magazines, but just can''t get into it. Or maybe it''s that each version of what I might want would make someone I love unhappy.

For example, my beloved grammy who is battling cancer, has basically said that the wedding is giving her something to really fight to live for. She''s so thrilled for us! But she can''t really travel and it makes more sense to have the wedding abroad. How could I do that to her!?!? But having it where she lives will make it so hard on FI''s dad, who is older and unwell, and will raise religious issues that will be hard on him.

I know I''m just rambling. It''s just that I really feel paralyzed.

I even tried on dresses today and although several looked so gorgeous, I was on the verge of tears the whole time. Partly because I wish my mom could have been there with me. Or my sister. Or my best friend. I wish I didn''t live so far away from everyone I truly love (except FI of course). It causes so much trouble.

Thanks for listening, ladies. {end vent}

 

[iheartscience]

I''m sorry you''re having a rough time, IndyGal. I''ve actually been pretty much paralyzed about planning my wedding, too. I''ve been engaged for 4 months and just did the first wedding thing this week! (Looked at a reception location.) I get very overwhelmed by stuff like this and I also don''t like change, so planning a wedding is going to be a challenge for sure.

It sounds like you have more challenges than me, though. It must be so hard having your family and friends so far away. Would it be possible for your sister or mom or best friend to come visit you and you all could do a wedding weekend or week? You could go to check out reception locations, wedding dresses, cake tastings, etc. That might put a little more fun into the planning for you.

As far as your grandmother and your FI''s father, could you have a reception once place and the ceremony and another reception in another place? It could get expensive, obviously, but it might be worth it so everyone can celebrate with you.

 

[snlee]

The time after you get engaged and start planning your wedding is a very emotional time. It's exciting, stressful, scary, overwhelming all at the same time! Living far away from your friends and family cannot be easy! I'm sorry I don't have any good advice for you, as I've never been in that situation. Lots of hugs!

 

[KimberlyH]

Indy,

Planning a wedding can be difficult, so hugs to you. Can I make a suggestion? Sit down either alone or w/ FI and make list of 3-5 things that matter most to you. Do everything you can to make sure they happen and let the rest fall into place (it will, I promise!).

And don''t feel the need to stick w/ tradition if it doesn''t suit you. My husband went wedding dress shopping with me because my mom and friends couldn''t (either too far away or otherwise occupied when the time came). He ended up picking out the dress! It was a great time for both of us. This isn''t to say you should do the same if you wouldn''t be comfortable with it, it''s just to remind you that tradition can''t always dictate the choices we make and doing things a bit differently than the norm can be quite fun.

Best wishes to you and feel free to ask for advice...you know you''ll get it here!

~K

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m sorry you''re having trouble! I found it helpful to break things down one by one. Location (church or other type of venue, decide whether to have the reception and/or ceremony indoors or outdoors). Choose a date if you haven''t already. Some people have a date in mind and others go by what''s available at the venue. Those things took us about 2 months to decide.

Can you try focusing on one thing at a time so you''re not overwhelmed?

Maybe a month ago (or three weeks?), I went into a bridal salon just as they were closing. A particular dress caught my eye and I made a note that I wanted to try it on when I returned a few days later. When I went back, I was by myself but I had a super friendly and helpful sales girl who steered me in the right direction. I tried on the dress that had caught my eye and I wound up buying it a couple of weeks later. It was sort of a flukey thing. I wasn''t expecting that to happen at all.

I think people either love bridal magazines or they hate them. I don''t like looking through them; I find them annoying, not helpful.

I like what thing2of2 suggested: could you plan a trip for family or close friends to come and help with initial wedding stuff (dress shopping, etc.)? It would give you something to look forward to.

 

[akw94]

Indy, sorry to hear you''re feeling sad and upset right now. But I do think a lot of it is normal. Wedding planning is not the easiest thing in the world, let alone doing it w/o your friends and family around. I''ve been feeling down lately b/c my bm''s are all out of town, except for one who doesn''t seem to want any involvement. But I think that once you are able to pick the venue/date, a lot of other things will be easier. I found this beginning part of the planning to be the most difficult. Determining budget, guest list, venue and picking a date are the most difficult choices, imo, and they are all right in the beginning of the process. So I agree that perhaps you can just choose one thing to think about right now and then move to the next when that is done.
I do think having the ceremony where you are seems easiest and then having another reception near your Grandma (if $ permits) would be great. Or even just a trip to see her after the wedding to celebrate w/her in person. My grandparents can''t travel either and I''m really hoping to visit them in the near future after the wedding.
Just take things one step at a time and remember that there are no right feelings during this time. You''re entitled to whatever feelings you have. Also, if you''re feeling the need for your friends/family right now, call them often! Or maybe plan a weekend getaway there or them to you as someone suggested.

Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks everyone! I''m already feeling better this morning.

Kim, I really like the idea of listing the 5 or so elements that are most important to me. I think that''s a great palce to start.

Sadly, it probably won''t be possible to have my mom or sister or my close friends come join me for a weekend. But I''m hoping to go visit my mom for a week or so to do some planning. She lives on another continent and it''s a very long journey!

Thank heavens for the internet though. At least we can show each other pictures of stuff!

 

[enbcfsobe]

Indy, I'm right there with you. Its all very overwhelming, to the point that I was actually glad to set wedding planning aside to deal with buying and fixing and moving into a new house. Now that we've moved, I know I need to get my butt in gear, but I don't know where to start. Bridal magazines pretty much make me want to vomit. I don't seem to like anything that's in them, and those few things I do like are terribly expensive. I do like the list 5 things idea. Maybe that will help me get focused. I'm not sure whether it will make it easier or harder that my mom and sister live close by...sometimes a little distance from family really can make the heart grow fonder. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I empathize!

 

[Jas12]

I felt the same way--seemed like whatever I chose would make someone unhappy, and as much as people tell you that you have to ''do it for yourself'' i couldn''t accept that so i stuggled with decisions for months...to the point where i changed my venue and date

This is what i did....I really wanted an outdoor ceremony and a gorgeous venue (so did FI) and so we chose a resort close to home and planned our party.
My grandmother, whom i am close to and really respect, is Roman Catholic and considered it utterly important for us to get married in a church (as RM''s must)
So we had a small, intimate catholic church wedding 2 days before the ''big bash'' i wore a more casual dress and had a small bouquet (see my pic s posted this week)

I am sure people thought i was a little nutty, but it is what worked for us and so we went with it. I felt much better when i did.

Also know that i think what you are feeling is common. Not every girl is giddy and excited 24/7 leading up to the wedding. I don''t think that would be normal or healthy. the real and varied emotions of engagement are rarely explored--rather shrouded by the commercialism of the whole wedding industry