So Confused

[CNYHopeful]

SO and I were talking about ring shopping the other night. I showed him a picture of my ideal ring and some information on diamond research. He seemed interested in the pricing comparisons, the 4 c''s, and virtual imaging of ring cuts/colors. However, he mentioned feeling inadequate. I tried to express how much I appreciate all of the things that he does for me now and how thoughtful he is. He said that it still doesn''t change the fact that I''m disappointed that he hasn''t proposed yet and that I''ll still be disappointed if he doesn''t give me this exact ring I showed him. I told him that my purpose wasn''t to tell him what ring to get me, but to help give him an idea of my tastes and that really I''m not as particular as others might be. He still seemed stressed about it all.

I don''t know why he responded that way except that maybe I overstepped my bounds or he isn''t ready to actually look at rings yet. This whole thing confuses me, because we want to get married in October ''09. I asked him after the ring discussion if he still wanted that timeframe and if he needed more time that I''d be happy to move back plans until 2010. He said that he didn''t want to change our plans and that he wants Fall ''09.

My fear is that the whole wedding planning process might overwhelm him and consume all of our time together (although, I admit we''ve already done a good amount of research with spreadsheets). I''m afraid that if we wait too close to October (he suggested no proposal for several months) it''ll just add more pressure on to both of us. There is much to look forward to in planning but it also will require a lot of time. He is much more of a planner than I am, so I have to trust that he has given thoughtful consideration to whatever timeframe he has in mind for proposal versus wedding. However, I don''t know if he''s aware how much is really involved. He probably feels that I don''t understand what is involved in planning a proposal (which is true). Isn''t it supposed to be at least a year of planning between engagement and wedding? I''m just so confused because I don''t want us to be rushing around planning a wedding but I also don''t want to dictate the most meaningful day of his adult life up to this point.

Any suggestions? Do I drop it and wait patiently, while planning quietly? Do I forget about it all together and not do anymore thinking, planning? Should I bring up the subject again in a couple of weeks and see where he''s at then? I''m just so confused.

 

[LaraOnline]

What''s the big deal with a massive ''Ta-DAH!!'' proposal?
I mean, from hanging out on these boards, it seems there''s a big cultural thing about having a great story, but from my own experience, if it''s the right guy, the proposal is always romantic regardless of the setting.
Do you or your boyfriend feel you need an impressive ring to get started?
But surely the engagement is the official announcement of the desire to marry.
Between the two of you, you''ve already set the day - or the month.
I say... just tell everyone you''re engaged, get a ring to advertise the fact, and enjoy being together!

Or is that too simple?

Being a PSer, I will say it would be cool to have an upgradeable diamond, if the desire for a more expensive ring is the tedious detail that is holding you back from officially announcing your engagement.

 

[dragonfly411]

Hopeful
It sounds like he''s simply afraid that the ring he chooses won''t be what you want. Honestly I''d leave it from here. If you want him to think you aren''t that worried over the ring... then don''t act like you are. Just my 2 cent

 

[sunnyd]

A wedding can be planned in much less than a year, especially if you''ve already done some research. I would keep doing that either together or alone, that way you''re not starting from scratch if a proposal doesn''t happen for a few months. Believe me, you wouldn''t be the only one doing it!

I''ve narrowed down caterers, venues, photogs, DJs...pretty much everything. That''s the part of planning that takes the most time anyway. Dang research!

 

[ams0124]

Hopeful

Maybe the inadequate feeling he has is based more on feeling overwhelmed with what it actually takes to get a ring and all the research that should be done (and has been done on your part). I know that when BF and I started seriously talking engagement and rings we both were thinking it was going to be as simple as going to the local B&M and picking out something in our price range....Then came PS and it all changed....I started to bombard him with all of this information I was finding and he definitely had a moment when he thought that nothing he bought was going to be what I actually wanted...he even went as far as to tell me to pick out my own ring and everything that goes along with it and just tell him when he has to fork up the cash...feeling very discouraged for sure. I think what helped is when I told him that I wasn''t giving him all this information to set him up for failure when he made a decision...I was giving it to him so he wouldn''t get screwed basically...and that when he picked something out he was going to get exactly what he was going to pay for. I think that hit home to him since he''s a cautious buyer in general. I think that you need to figure out what it is that your BF is feel inadequate about because something tells me it''s not all about disappointing you.

Just my opinion though

Hope that helps

 

[CNYHopeful]

Ladies, thank you all for your suggestions and input! I really do appreciate hearing from all of you.

It''s nice knowing that it''s ok for me to research while we''re still dating. The number one thing is that we simply enjoy our time together as a dating couple and make the next few months of our relationship special. Perhaps when he''s more disposed to sharing, I''ll invite him to talk more openly about where his feelings of inadquacy might stem and I''ll ponder what is driving my impatience.

I feel a lot better knowing that it''s OK for me to plan ahead and get all of the ducks in order so that there''s less stress on us when we are going in full force. I hope he knows just how much I love him and appreciate his love and I can''t put a value or a price on that. Thank you all again!