So hurt

[iwannaprettyone]

I don’t know how to feel.

So, this Friday I went by a close friend of mine on my way home. Our whole group had planned to go fishing together. I already had arrangements with my BFF (MOH) so I wasn’t concerned about it. My friend begged me to go and told me that BFF was going to be there too. I called BFF a couple of times and resided to the fact that she was probably down at the river (no phone service). Finally I agreed to go but asked the friend to call and make sure it was cool that I come along, rather than just show….and boy I am glad I did.

The person (friends for years), and wife, who originally make the plans for the get together, proceed to tell my friend that I am absolutely not welcome. Needless to say we were both STUNNED. My friend didn’t know what to say other than “let me figure out what is going on”…and I left.

I was devastated, I felt like it was a complete bash by my friends. I finally got my BFF on the phone and was telling her about it and she said she hadn’t heard anything about the fishing trip and as far as she knew was still getting together with me. She felt like these “so called friends” were just trying to hurt me by making me feel like the ONLY one not going. BFF made some phone calls to these people and basically they said they didn’t want to be around me because they think I am rude and I am too blunt with my comments which are considered insensitive. Granted this is not the first time I have heard this, but I never mean any harm by it. Many of the people in our circle are so fake and “sugary sweet” and am just not that way. You ask me something and I’m going to be honest even if it isn’t what you want to hear. Those closest to me know that I didn’t grow up in small town Texas, but in England so obviously there are some cultural differences there and I am so much like my father when it comes to my bluntness.

Several of these people contacted me the next day to apologize about being so unkind but I just don’t know how to feel. I don’t want to have to “censor” myself to be liked by everyone. Those that are very special in my life know me, and love me for who I am and even appreciate my honesty and straightforwardness. I don’t know how to move past this.

I feel like a wounded duck.

 

[Sabine]

Awe, Iwanna, I''m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have those near you who love you and support you for who you are, and they aren''t going to stand by and let people like these "friends" just make you feel like crap.

If they continue to hurt your feelings, I would just distance yourself from them and not have them in your life. But if you don''t want to do that since they are friends with your close friends, it does sound like some (those who apologized) at least don''t want to be downright rude. If that is the case and they can be pleasant to you, I would be pleasant right back, but realize that these will never be true friends.

As far as not having to censor yourself for them, well, that is a toughie. You shouldn''t have to act like someone you''re not to be with them, but maybe since they have expressed that you hurt their feelings, you could try to be more sensitive around them. Instead of being fake, can you try just not commenting on things when you know they won''t like what you have to say? Although it''s hard to imagine anyone finding you offensive...you always seem so sweet on here!

Good luck!

 

[Bia]

I am a little confused by the beginning as to how this all transpired.

But from what I did understand, it sounds like your so-called friends were being complete asses. Any friend who makes you feel bad by saying you''re not welcome to join them, is not a friend. It wasn''t a private occasion right? As I said, I am a little cloudy on the details but if sounds like you should re-evaluate your friendships with them and consider giving them the AXE.

Sorry they made you feel bad...

 

[galeteia]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Let me send you some empathetic virtual hugs.

While nothing so brazen has happened to me, I too sometimes make people uncomfortable with my uncompromising personality, comments, and opinions. I strive so hard to be polite, but if people ask my opinion on something, I'm not going to lie even though I know they won't like what I am going to say.

I constantly struggle to *mince words* when my natural reaction is just to be blunt. Sometimes I just say nothing at all because I know opening my mouth is going to put the fox in the henhouse. I sympathize with the frustration of feeling like you have to "censor [yourself] to be liked by everyone", but I take heart from the knowledge that while my personality is so strong as to polarize people about me, I know that the people who do like me are fierce and unwavering in their love for my company.

I say you just chalk it up to separating the wheat from the chaff. You're never going to please everyone, so take heart in the fact that the people who do appreciate you are the people worth spending time with.

Take care!

(Are you in Texas now?)

 

[Delster]

Oh gosh that was very mean and very secondary-school-ish. Kind of 'you can't come and play with us because we don't like this X thing you did but we don't have the guts to say it to your face'

If their comments about your directness have bothered you, maybe talk to your FI and your BFF and ask them to tell you straight if there is any truth to what this group said. It might be best to just adopt a policy of never commenting on anything around these people unless they specifically ask for an opinion.

Even if there was some valid reason for them feeling sensitive around you, they should not have handled it like they did. It was a very back-stabbing way to go about it and they have shown their true colours. If they have an issue with you they should speak to you directly and not behave like bullies. Focus your love and energy on the people who love you for who you are, just as you are.

 

[gwendolyn]

I''m slightly muddled as to who said what, but it seems to come down to the fact that you have some good friends (your BFF and the friend who was begging you to go on this fishing trip?) and some fake friends, who''ve been hanging out with you but apparently saying/thinking nasty things about you to the point where they decided you shouldn''t hang out with them anymore. If that''s the case, they have been WAY more callous than you ever could have been to them if all you''ve ever done is be honest when people ask for your thoughts (which is commendable, in my opinion--too many people sugarcoat and tip-toe around everything!). Not only were these people horrendously rude and uncaring about your feelings when they unabashedly said you were absolutely unwelcome, but they were going to sneak around behind your back and just think you wouldn''t notice they were doing things without you? These people are NOT friends. Although I know it hurts to be treated like this by anyone, you are absolutely, without a doubt better off without people like this around you. A smaller group of true, loving friends is always better than a larger group of sharks and back-stabbers. Leave them behind, where they belong.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

FI''s response- "their just jealous". lol he is the best.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I can relate to how you feel because I have been known to come across as more "blunt" than I intend. I have learned to tone it down, however my true friends are accecpting of my personality. We have had a policy of honesty that goes both ways, and it has worked pretty well. It dosn''t work as well for other people, however, I have never had anything like that happen to me in adulthood, and what they did is out of line. With a situation like that, where you have a circle with good people, and people who are causing problems, I would probably back off on developing a close relationship with the ones causing problems until they can realize that not even the best hearted people are not perfect.

And I think your FIs response is a good one .

 

[akmiss]

I am sorry to hear that you were so hurt. Could your "bluntness" have hurt others in the past? My bff (since I was 7) often says things in the "wrong" way. If she just worded it differently, people wouldn''t be so offended. I will love her till the day I die but sometimes I need to nudge her and that is our little sign to tone things down a bit

At any rate, you were mistreated and these friends should have dealt with the issue in a more mature manner. I hope things work out because friends are a precious thing and your feelings are important too. I hope you have a better day.

 

[cwj]

If you just dropped by why do u think they were trying to hurt u? You had plans w/your bf and didn't ask all of them. If this was a get together arranged by another person, she is free not to invite you and was maybe trying to not to hurt your feelings, she didn't ask your bf. Maybe thats not what went now, but maybe.
I have a simlar thing going on. There is one coworker that is a lot like you sound. She also said she is not going to change, thats ok, but if some of the others don't want to be around her then they should be able to get together without her. I have in the past elected not to have a work get together because I didnt want to deal with the fall out. I own the business and should do things at x-mas, etc. I have talked to her and she thinks she shouldn't have to change, again thats ok, but be prepared to deal with be left out sometimes. (in her case not at business things ofcourse) I have asked her to try to keep her thoughts to herself, unless asked and then to be aware of what she sounds like. You know unless the building is burning down what does buffering things down matter?
There are alot of times I hear or see things that I think are dumb or whatever, but I keep my mouth shut, even if asked, unless its important, I trying to buffer what I say, knowing that what I think might hurt their feelings.
I sure dont know the answer to this problem, but I know we all have to keep growing and learning and if we do our personalitys are also going to grow and change. I have learned over the years not to be so forward with what I think are the answers, because I keep learning that I dont know near what I thought I did and what I do know (in most cases) isn't going to change a person's world.
Anyway, just think of them as friends, not bestfriends and your will be able to look past whats going on today and look at your life tomorrow. It sounds like you have a couple of bfs and thats about all anybody truly has.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 6/9/2008 3:13:04 PM
Author: cwj
If you just dropped by why do u think they were trying to hurt u? You had plans w/your bf and didn''t ask all of them. If this was a get together arranged by another person, she is free not to invite you and was maybe trying to not to hurt your feelings, she didn''t ask your bf. Maybe thats not what went now, but maybe.
I have a simlar thing going on. There is one coworker that is a lot like you sound. She also said she is not going to change, thats ok, but if some of the others don''t want to be around her then they should be able to get together without her. I have in the past elected not to have a work get together because I didnt want to deal with the fall out. I own the business and should do things at x-mas, etc. I have talked to her and she thinks she shouldn''t have to change, again thats ok, but be prepared to deal with be left out sometimes. (in her case not at business things ofcourse) I have asked her to try to keep her thoughts to herself, unless asked and then to be aware of what she sounds like. You know unless the building is burning down what does buffering things down matter?
There are alot of times I hear or see things that I think are dumb or whatever, but I keep my mouth shut, even if asked, unless its important, I trying to buffer what I say, knowing that what I think might hurt their feelings.
I sure dont know the answer to this problem, but I know we all have to keep growing and learning and if we do our personalitys are also going to grow and change. I have learned over the years not to be so forward with what I think are the answers, because I keep learning that I dont know near what I thought I did and what I do know (in most cases) isn''t going to change a person''s world.
Anyway, just think of them as friends, not bestfriends and your will be able to look past whats going on today and look at your life tomorrow. It sounds like you have a couple of bfs and thats about all anybody truly has.

huh?

 

[cwj]

Date: 6/9/2008 11:51:42 AM
Author:iwannaprettyone

I don’t know how to feel.

So, this Friday I went by a close friend of mine on my way home. Our whole group had planned to go fishing together. I already had arrangements with my BFF (MOH) so I wasn’t concerned about it. My friend begged me to go and told me that BFF was going to be there too. I called BFF a couple of times and resided to the fact that she was probably down at the river (no phone service). Finally I agreed to go but asked the friend to call and make sure it was cool that I come along, rather than just show….and boy I am glad I did.

The person (friends for years), and wife, who originally make the plans for the get together, proceed to tell my friend that I am absolutely not welcome. Needless to say we were both STUNNED. My friend didn’t know what to say other than “let me figure out what is going on”…and I left.

I was devastated, I felt like it was a complete bash by my friends. I finally got my BFF on the phone and was telling her about it and she said she hadn’t heard anything about the fishing trip and as far as she knew was still getting together with me. She felt like these “so called friends” were just trying to hurt me by making me feel like the ONLY one not going. BFF made some phone calls to these people and basically they said they didn’t want to be around me because they think I am rude and I am too blunt with my comments which are considered insensitive. Granted this is not the first time I have heard this, but I never mean any harm by it. Many of the people in our circle are so fake and “sugary sweet” and am just not that way. You ask me something and I’m going to be honest even if it isn’t what you want to hear. Those closest to me know that I didn’t grow up in small town Texas, but in England so obviously there are some cultural differences there and I am so much like my father when it comes to my bluntness.

Several of these people contacted me the next day to apologize about being so unkind but I just don’t know how to feel. I don’t want to have to “censor” myself to be liked by everyone. Those that are very special in my life know me, and love me for who I am and even appreciate my honesty and straightforwardness. I don’t know how to move past this.

I feel like a wounded duck.

I wasn''t sure if you meant you just dropped by not knowing about their plans or if they planned it and you knew but couldnt go. Thats why I said I wasn''t sure how it went down. Sorry, I was thinking if they knew you had plans that was why they didn''t ask you. And if not it was ok because you had plans w/o them.

 

[purrfectpear]

You need new friends.

You sort of know that don''t you?

Here

Between the meth, the pen, the talking behind your back, etc. you need to take a good hard look at the people you are allowing around you IMO.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 6/9/2008 4:22:11 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You need new friends.

You sort of know that don''t you?

Here

Between the meth, the pen, the talking behind your back, etc. you need to take a good hard look at the people you are allowing around you IMO.

I took my pricescopers advice then and I will again now.

 

[purrfectpear]

The PS advice then was to find better pals. These people who talk about you are bums. I''d just avoid them altogether. You deserve real friends, and real friends don''t gossip or shut you out.

 

[justme1]

Date: 6/9/2008 4:43:52 PM
Author: purrfectpear
The PS advice then was to find better pals. These people who talk about you are bums. I''d just avoid them altogether. You deserve real friends, and real friends don''t gossip or shut you out.

Ditto!!! They accept you for who you are

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 6/9/2008 10:00:45 PM
Author: justme1

Date: 6/9/2008 4:43:52 PM
Author: purrfectpear
The PS advice then was to find better pals. These people who talk about you are bums. I''d just avoid them altogether. You deserve real friends, and real friends don''t gossip or shut you out.

Ditto!!! They accept you for who you are

I agree, except I do think there is a time to be blunt and other times to keep thoughts to yourself. I am not in Texas but do live in the South, and there is a level of respect and kindness that is expected socially. I definitely do not just go around saying everything I think all the time. When you do that, it may come off as argumentative or judgmental or even rude, and people really do get tired of that. I hope that''s not what you mean by being blunt, but if it is, you might want to try to hold back a bit since the social culture you are in may not be as accepting of the kind of bluntness to which you are accustomed.

 

[cwj]

Date: 6/9/2008 10:14:34 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 6/9/2008 10:00:45 PM
Author: justme1

Date: 6/9/2008 4:43:52 PM
Author: purrfectpear
The PS advice then was to find better pals. These people who talk about you are bums. I''d just avoid them altogether. You deserve real friends, and real friends don''t gossip or shut you out.

Ditto!!! They accept you for who you are

I agree, except I do think there is a time to be blunt and other times to keep thoughts to yourself. I am not in Texas but do live in the South, and there is a level of respect and kindness that is expected socially. I definitely do not just go around saying everything I think all the time. When you do that, it may come off as argumentative or judgmental or even rude, and people really do get tired of that. I hope that''s not what you mean by being blunt, but if it is, you might want to try to hold back a bit since the social culture you are in may not be as accepting of the kind of bluntness to which you are accustomed.

ds,
You say things so well.