So upset @ "MOH"

[PearlDahhhling]

I am so upset right now, I just have to get this out.

I''m having two MOHs and two BMs. The MOHs live in Oregon where I grew up. I''ve been friends with them since we were little. My two BMs live here in California where I now live (and have lived for 4 years). One is FI''s sister, the other is my close friend of about 3 years whom I adore.

My wedding is in June and my bridal shower is planned for this Saturday. (Planned by my BM friend btw... Neither of my MOHs had a hand in helping plan nor did they offer...). One of my MOHs told me right away that unfortunately she couldn''t afford to come here two separate times so she wouldn''t be able to make it for my shower. I was of course saddened by this, but had no expectations because she was upfront with me about not being able to come. My other MOH told me that of course she''d come! She was so excited! So I figured that while she was here, we could also do a little bachelorette party thing since I really don''t want to have to worry about having one the week of the wedding as I''m sure I''ll be super busy.

She was supposed to fly in on Friday evening (the plane ticket has already been purchased) and then Saturday we''d do the shower, then possibly get our nails done (FI''s mom is a manicurist and owns a salon so I was going to see if she''d to them for free

) and then drinks at my house where a limo would pick us up and take us to this awesome dinner theater thing and then after that we''d go out to a bar or club or something. I was so excited! She said she was excited! Everyone was supposedly excited!

Then yesterday, she sends me a message via Myspace stating that she doesn''t think she can afford all this (plane ticket, dinner theater, limo, etc) so I respond saying that I understand and that I am willing to cover whatever she can''t afford because it just means a lot to me for her to be here so I wanted to make that happen.

She responds and basically ignores my offer to pay for whatever she can''t afford and just states that she can''t come at all now and that she''ll just see me in June.

So I tried calling her (I''ve also tried calling her two other times since Monday... She never answers or calls back...) and she didn''t answer. I left her a voicemail saying that I wanted to discuss this over the phone instead of over Myspace. She hasn''t called me back. And this is someone who normally has her phone with her 24/7...

I''m just so dissapointed in her and upset that she would bail on me with three days notice. And I don''t understand why she is ignoring my offer to pay for part of this for her and just saying she can''t come at all now. She won''t answer or return my calls so all of our communication has been through Myspace which bugs me. I prefer having conversations like this in person or over the phone.

I feel like this is so out of character for her. I thought she would be the MOH I would be able to really count on to be there for me and she''s obviously not. This whole thing makes me feel like our friendship isn''t really all that important to her. Part of me feels like revoking her MOH title because honestly right now I don''t feel like honoring her.

Ahhhhggg!! I''m just so upset.

 

[princessplease]

Aw, Pearl, I''m so sorry.
I can understand the finance issue because when FI''s sister had her bachlorette party, I was not aware beforehand how much it was going to cost me. Some of them offered to help pay, but I felt really awkward having the bride and her other maids help me out. It just didn''t feel right. I would think she just didn''t feel comfortable with you paying for things since this is supposed to be all about you and your wedding.
However, I do not agree with her telling you on myspace. With something that important, a phone call is definitely needed. While I enjoy the internet, hearing situations like this make me hate the thing, lol! You have every right to be upset, and I truly feel like she should''ve called you. It''s not fair to you to have been hurt like that at all, let alone on the internet. What I find odd is that she already paid for the plane ticket, which is probably the most expensive part of the trip.
If she is so intent on using the internet for communication, maybe you should send her a message asking her to call you because you''re really hurt about this situation and that you need to talk about it.
I''m so sorry that you are going through this.

 

[mrscushion]

I am very sorry to hear this. Sounds awful. Whether or not she is uncomfortable with the costs (or with letting you help pay), this is way too short-notice to let you know. How rude is she???

If it were me, I''d give up on her and just have a great shower and perhaps a fun, low-key night out with the other 2 BM and focus on those two from now on, since they seem to be your real friends.

 

[Lanie]

That really sucks.

My guess is that she feels bad enough as it is, and doesn't want you to shell out the cash. A pride thing.

Or, maybe something major has come up and she doesn't want to divulge that just yet (she lost her job, her husband lost his job, etc)

Is there anyway you could have her just come (she already has the plane ticket) and cook dinner, not get nails done, do everything on the cheap? I bet there's a legitimate reason why she's not responding, either that or she really feels bad and doesn't want to let you know the reason for why she isn't able to make it. At least not right now. Maybe she doesn't want to be a Debbie Downer right before your shower.

 

[Bia]

Wow, that does really stink. Sorry

I don''t know what''s going on in your friend''s head. I hope she''s NOT avoiding you, but honestly, it certainly sounds like that''s what she''s doing. Maybe she feels uncomfortable having you pay her way? Or maybe she''s going through some ''stuff'' right now. Honestly, until you speak with her, it''s hard to say.

I can''t offer much advice, but I''m sending some ((hugs)). Let us know how it all turns out.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Sorry for all of this

I hope you can still enjoy your shower and bachelorette party, even if she can''t attend.

Not accepting your money is more about, like the other ladies said, pride. And maybe she isn''t answering calls because she feels really bad and is avoiding the situation. I''m not saying that''s the RIGHT thing to do, or mature, but it''s quite possible.

Hoping this all works out for you ::hugs::

 

[bee*]

I''m really sorry to hear that. It''s awful that she told you via myspace rather than on the phone. You''ll still have a great shower and I''m hoping that she''ll contact you soon.

 

[neatfreak]

Aww sweetie that STINKS. I completely understand. In fact I had almost the exact same thing happen-but she bailed on my WEDDING 3 weeks before! And unfortunately the story seems more common than you'd think...

She must have something else going on with her. Just try to ignore it and have fun this weekend.

What I did that helped was that I took control of the situation by telling my MOH that I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with it before the wedding, that I was really sad she couldn't come and quite honestly didn't understand why she was bailing (and in her case her ONLY financial obligation was a plane ticket-I covered EVERYTHING else), but that when she was ready to tell me the truth about why she was bailing she could call me after the wedding. It really helped me put my mind in the right place because I was now in CONTROL of the situation by telling her not to contact me until after the wedding. I also offered to pay and I was yelled at...I didn't get it either!

I've now been married 1.5 years and never heard from her. We don't really have mutual friends so I still never found out what happened...still weird when I think about it. But I had another friend stand in instead and now I'm glad I did because I remember the day fondly instead of drama filled.

 

[doodle]

I had the exact same thing happen with my best friend except that she had no financial issue with being there at all; she decided the week before the shower that she had to be there while her boyfriend''s parents were visiting for her boyfriend''s son''s birthday (even though she had RSVP''d for the shower 2 months before and would''ve had plenty of time to do both that day!). It really stinks, and I know how hurt your feelings must be right now. I''m so sorry that you''re feeling let down, and I hope that the two of you get the chance to talk. If it''s really out of character for her to pull a stunt like that, I''d wonder what was going on--if it''s totally unlike her to do something like that, chances are pretty good that there are extenuating circumstances that you''re currently unaware of, but she really should have at least called you and explained that she had something major going on right now that was interfering with the original plans, and she should''ve apologized. I get her not wanting you to foot the bill (brides have enough expenses on their plates, so I understand why you paying her way would be likely to make her uncomfortable), but your offering to do so also conveys how much her being there means to you, so she should at least offer you some semblance of an explanation. In the meantime, shake it off (I know that''s easier said than done!), and have a blast with your other friends. I hope everything works out for the best!

 

[violet3]

I am so sorry to hear this pearl - i agree with the other ladies - sounds like there''s something going on with her. Try not to let it affect your great weekend - wasting your energy on what''s going on with her will get you nowhere, except upset. I am so sorry that you are feeling down....

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You know what Pearl, I''m a lot like you in the sense that I''d rather "come out of pocket" for a friend than miss them being there, or watch them struggle, or whatever the case may be...esspecially the people that I am closest to.

But over the years, and this past year imparticular, I''ve learned that sometimes people don''t want the help, be it their pride or guilt holding them back, but it''s very real for them...they''d rather have a friend who is more understanding than one that is willing to throw money at the issue.

I''m reading the "avoidance" as embarrassment. I''m sure she knows she''s letting you down, and feels awful about that. I''m sure this is the absolute last thing she wanted to happen...but if you can''t afford something, you can''t afford it. This economy has made life really hard for many people, and if it''s between paying her bills or having a crazy/fun night out, sensibility has to win on this one. So please don''t hold it against her...although you can wish she''d handle things differently, the truth is this is probably very hard for her...and being understanding will probably mean more than anything at this time.

 

[meresal]

I'm sorry to hear about this Pearl.

I have my shower this weekend as well, and I just couldn't imagine how hurt I would feel to find out something like this last minute.

With that said, flights are very expensive, and I know that a few of my BM's wouldn't be coming to my shower if they had to fly. Especially if they are flying in for the wedding as well. I have a feeling to worst of it, is that she waited till teh last minute to tell you.

{{Big Hugs lady}} Try to put it behind you and have a great time this weekend!!

 

[Bia]

Date: 4/30/2009 8:52:01 AM
Author: neatfreak
Aww sweetie that STINKS. I completely understand. In fact I had almost the exact same thing happen-but she bailed on my WEDDING 3 weeks before! And unfortunately the story seems more common than you'd think...

She must have something else going on with her. Just try to ignore it and have fun this weekend.

What I did that helped was that I took control of the situation by telling my MOH that I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with it before the wedding, that I was really sad she couldn't come and quite honestly didn't understand why she was bailing (and in her case her ONLY financial obligation was a plane ticket-I covered EVERYTHING else), but that when she was ready to tell me the truth about why she was bailing she could call me after the wedding. It really helped me put my mind in the right place because I was now in CONTROL of the situation by telling her not to contact me until after the wedding. I also offered to pay and I was yelled at...I didn't get it either!

I've now been married 1.5 years and never heard from her. We don't really have mutual friends so I still never found out what happened...still weird when I think about it. But I had another friend stand in instead and now I'm glad I did because I remember the day fondly instead of drama filled.

She was a good friend, and after that call you never heard from her again? That's so bizarre...yikes.

Pearl, I agree with Neatfreak. You can't let this take away from your party/wedding. And honestly, excluding some type of emergency, if she really wanted to be there, she would be. IMO.

I hate when stuff like this happens, I'm really sorry. I hope it all turns out for the better.

 

[meresal]

Date: 4/30/2009 10:24:01 AM
Author: Bia

Date: 4/30/2009 8:52:01 AM
Author: neatfreak
Aww sweetie that STINKS. I completely understand. In fact I had almost the exact same thing happen-but she bailed on my WEDDING 3 weeks before! And unfortunately the story seems more common than you'd think...

She must have something else going on with her. Just try to ignore it and have fun this weekend.

What I did that helped was that I took control of the situation by telling my MOH that I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with it before the wedding, that I was really sad she couldn't come and quite honestly didn't understand why she was bailing (and in her case her ONLY financial obligation was a plane ticket-I covered EVERYTHING else), but that when she was ready to tell me the truth about why she was bailing she could call me after the wedding. It really helped me put my mind in the right place because I was now in CONTROL of the situation by telling her not to contact me until after the wedding. I also offered to pay and I was yelled at...I didn't get it either!

I've now been married 1.5 years and never heard from her. We don't really have mutual friends so I still never found out what happened...still weird when I think about it. But I had another friend stand in instead and now I'm glad I did because I remember the day fondly instead of drama filled.

She was a good friend, and after that call you never heard from her again? That's so bizarre...yikes.

Pearl, I agree with Neatfreak. You can't let this take away from your party/wedding. And honestly, excluding some type of emergency, if she really wanted to be there, she would be. IMO.

I hate when stuff like this happens, I'm really sorry. I hope it all turns out for the better.

I can only speak for myself, but when it comes to true friends and their happiness there is no such thing as personal pride. If I couldn't afford it, and bride offered to pay, I would excitedly accept... and then immediately promise to PAY back as soon as I possibly could.

Bia, I couldn't agree more. Considering you are very close, I can only think of a few things that would be so personal that I couldn't share with my best friend.