Somber Question

[hisdiamondgirl]

Have you ever felt like you really really hate somebody and what, if anything, has helped you get over it?

 

[radiantquest]

i have someone that i really do hate too. i am interested to see what the advice is... i am thinking of going to a therapist about it. maybe they can help me learn to not hate her.

 

[Resonance.Of.Life]

Therapy helped a bit... but I think it was mostly the realization that the person wasn''t worth the energy to hate them. I also was given a book of quotes about forgiving and moving on where it has a specific quote and an expansion on that quote for each day.

My situation may be a bit different since it was an ex who had physically, mentally, and sexually abused me.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Do you have OCD? That may make you fixate on that person more than other people would do given the same situation. Possibly therapy would be a good thing. . .trying cognitive behavioral therapy to help you retrain not to get stuck in the mode of thinking of what all that person has done to anger you. Regular old therapy may bring all the bad things back into your mind, so it''d probably be better to avoid that route.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Hate just takes energy...it hurts you more than it hurts the person you hate. Forgiveness is freedom. It does not mean you ever have to see or speak to the person again. But it means accepting that the event is over, and you are going to let it go rather than being in bondage over it.

 

[bee*]

There have been people that I really don''t like but no one that I''ve actually hated. I think that maybe talking to someone, like therapy might help.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/23/2009 5:51:39 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Hate just takes energy...it hurts you more than it hurts the person you hate. Forgiveness is freedom. It does not mean you ever have to see or speak to the person again. But it means accepting that the event is over, and you are going to let it go rather than being in bondage over it.

Amen to this.

 

[WishfulThinking]

I have something I hate, the point where it''s consuming me. I am planning to go to therapy soon because I hate feeling like this strong negative emotion is having such a huge impact on my life. Having gone to therapy in the past I think it''s a really good resource for a situation like this. There is something relieving even in just being able to voice your frustration and emotions to someone who is paid to listen, and good therapists will have good advice as well.

 

[AprilBaby]

I have and I held it for a long time. It made me bitter. Therapy (for other problems actually) helped.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think distance and time helps. Hates a very strong emotion, and if you''re really *there* therapy might help you move past it...

 

[Elmorton]

The realization that I wouldn''t trade lives with that person - I think most of the problems I''ve had with people had to do with kindof bullying or jealousy - and the person that I disliked (I''m not really sure I can say it was hate, so maybe this doesn''t work in extreme situations) trying to make me feel small. When I realized that my life is a million times better than that person''s (or that I can appreciate the things I have whereas that person apparently can''t) I felt a lot more at peace.

 

[Miranda]

I''m struggling with this right now. Hate is a very strong word. I don''t like to use it when referring to people. I''ll say I despise this person. I have ordered a few books on the topic. It''s rather complicated since this is a person I cannot just flush out of my life...Though I am considering it. I''ve tried being positive. I''ve tried seeing the good this person has done...I just can''t seem to find it.

Have you tried having little or nothing to do with this person? Have you tried defining exactly what it is you hate?

 

[musey]

I've had two people in my life that I hated... well, I don't know if it was honest-to-goodness hate, I didn't wish ill on them, just absolutely did not want them to have any presence in my life. So I cut them out. Both times, I became much happier because of it!

In cases like this, I don't believe in "forgive and forget" - it's more "accept and forget." I accepted that these people are who they are, but that "who they are" is not acceptable to me for someone who is involved in my life. I therefore cannot permit them to be involved in my life.

 

[coatimundi_org]

Date: 1/23/2009 6:02:33 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 1/23/2009 5:51:39 PM

Author: diamondseeker2006

Hate just takes energy...it hurts you more than it hurts the person you hate. Forgiveness is freedom. It does not mean you ever have to see or speak to the person again. But it means accepting that the event is over, and you are going to let it go rather than being in bondage over it.

Amen to this.

Yup and yup.

 

[purrfectpear]

Life''s too short to hang on to hate.

I just acknowledge that I might hate what someone does, or their belief system, or their values, but I don''t actively hate THEM. I just hate what they represent. I own the feeling and move on.

It''s OK to make a judgement about who you want in your life but don''t bother to seek retribution. That will be taken care of by powers higher than ourselves.

 

[somethingshiny]

I struggled with hatred in my young adult years. Now, I''ve come to a couple conclusions.

I believe you can only hate someone you loved. If you''ve never felt the overwhelming joy of love, how can you feel the overwhelming anger of hate? (I still believe you can hate ideas, ideals, etc without having loved them.) Once I figured that out, I realized that I don''t actually have THAT strong of an emotion. And, it''s funny. Once you downgrade hatred to dislike, it just fades away.

Also, hating someone doesn''t actually hurt that person. And, if you really do hate someone, in essence you wish them anguish/sadness/whatever. That''s obviously not being caused by your hatred so each minute you spend hating is futile.

And, the last revelation came to me more recently than the others. I believe in God and I believe God has a plan for every person. So, whatever that person does that makes me hate them may be part of something greater. (even if it''s only helping to make me a stronger, more forgiving, etc person)

I believe if you don''t take control over hatred, it will increase until that''s the backbone of your very being.

Another thought...is it hatred or is it the need to forgive so you can move forward?? Forgiveness is a whole ''nother animal.

 

[risingsun]

I have had a few people in my life who have done terrible harm to me. I needed to work this out through therapy and speaking with caring family and friends. I have put a lot to rest with one of these people. The other, not so much. I don't spend much emotional energy on her, but there are still times when the feelings break through. I need to ride them and out and get to the other side. It is much improved, so there is hope. As a therapist, myself, I have helped my clients work through such feelings. It doesn't mean you have no negative feelings toward the person, but it no longer interferes with your daily life. It no longer consumes you.

 

[Circe]

Date: 1/23/2009 5:38:14 PM
Author:hisdiamondgirl
Have you ever felt like you really really hate somebody and what, if anything, has helped you get over it?

Going a bit against the grain here ... while I think that "hate" is a strong word that is frequently abused, I don''t think there''s a damned thing wrong with the concept. I hate the guy who molested my friend as a child. I really do. If he''d told me where to find him, there''s a good chance I''d be in prison now, and I don''t think I''d regret it. I hate the guy who gave another friend a venereal disease with a wink and a shrug. I ill-wish him with a light and merry heart, but because of the friend''s preference, refrain from doing anything about it. Hating them doesn''t take all that much energy, and is entirely in line with my belief system and my morality.

Now, people like the ex''s who''ve done me wrong, or my husband''s ex, who was moderately nasty to me? They''re not worth hate. They''re worth dislike, and, eventually, understanding ... because I think that the energy that goes into an emotion that strong tends to translate into pure attention, and, if they''re not actually hateful, eventually, understanding. The people whom you continue to hate? Might well deserve it. Just try to counterbalance their presence in your life with more healthy outlets that actually do you some good ... because past a certain point, it stops being about them, and starts being about you. Hope that makes sense ....

 

[Harriet]

Time. Also, I didn't want to carry such negativity around.

 

[LaraOnline]

Trying to remember that the person you are investing sooo much energy and emotion into probably hardly remembers you at all.
so often, the peole we fixate actually give less than a stuff about us... so that helps me keep my emotions in perspective... my feelings are NOT necessarily the truth of the matter. Perhaps the other person''s indifference is!

 

[Harriet]

Good point, Lara.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 1/23/2009 5:38:14 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl

Have you ever felt like you really really hate somebody and what, if anything, has helped you get over it?

You have gotten a lot of thoughtful answers already. I have a question. Why do you ask?


Deborah

 

[Miss Fortune]

Date: 1/23/2009 7:31:03 PM
Author: musey
I''ve had two people in my life that I hated... well, I don''t know if it was honest-to-goodness hate, I didn''t wish ill on them, just absolutely did not want them to have any presence in my life. So I cut them out. Both times, I became much happier because of it!

In cases like this, I don''t believe in ''forgive and forget'' - it''s more ''accept and forget.'' I accepted that these people are who they are, but that ''who they are'' is not acceptable to me for someone who is involved in my life. I therefore cannot permit them to be involved in my life.

I feel exactly like Musey on this one!! I''ve had to cut out my Mother and a person that was my best friend for 12 years. Sad but I had to do it to save myself.
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