Some Friday Questions for LIW

[janinegirly]

it's a slow friday, let's try to get some conversation going. For those ladies in waiting, here are a few questions:

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

my answers are below, would love to hear others'

1. I have been waiting about 8 months, and my cutoff is about 2 more mo's. (we've dated over 3 yrs, lived together 1)
2. I used to bring it up every couple of days, but now have stopped and only do so once a month or so.
3. Biggest challenge is lack of control and instead relinquishing that control to my SO, who I love, but is also at times unreasonable with his logic on why he needs more time. He sometimes becomes a typical guy and chooses silence over discussion and status quo over progress.
4. Family has not added much anxiety, but friends frequently ask questions and seem to think things look bleak. It has really discouraged me at times, but I've stopped the girl talks, which were not helping at all. Sad, b/c I feel isolated sometimes, but that's why I'm here!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?


1. We have been together for almost 2 years- lived together for over a year, I am giving him until April. Our 2 year anniversary.
2. i bring it up about once every week or so.
3. Be patient about it. Everyone is engaged or married so it doesn''t help when they talk about it all the time.
4. See previous answer. They always ask-so when are you 2 going to get married. it makes it worse. it makes me mad and it makes me feel like crying all at the same time.

 

[robbie3982]

Ok, I'm not an LIW anymore, but I'm bored at work and thought I'd participate anyway (hope that's ok!)

1. I waited for 5 months (we'd been together for 8 months by the time I "started" waiting). I didn't have a cut off point, not sure if I wouldn't have, though, had he dragged it out for a very long time.

2. I brought it up every day multiple times. I was so awful

! Being a LIW drove me absolutely crazy. I just couldn't control myself!

3. The biggest challenge for me was being patient. As you can see, I failed miserably. Luckily, FI is very patient and very rarely got frustrated with me.

4. My mother and my aunt drove me crazy. They were always asking, "so when do you think you'll get married?" I didn't even tell them when we bought the ring because I knew they'd increase the questions and I was having a hard enough time waiting.

ETA: We'd been together for a bit over a year when we got engaged.

 

[luvinlife]

how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?
I have been waitiing since I met him ( what I can I say, it was one of those wow, this is the guy I want to marry things). My cutoff point is really non existent at this point he told me that he plans on us being engaged by the end of 2006.

I bring it up, about once a week but not directly related to being engaged. We talk about "when we get married" things.

My biggest challenge is that I am sooo super excited about marrying him and its incredibly hard not to bring it up al of the time.

No friends and family have not added to the anxiety. I have (despite the difficulty of it) kept it hush hush.

Have a great friday everyone!


~LL

 

[dawn74]

Date: 9/22/2006 9:27:26 AM
Author:janinegirly
*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?

*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?

*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?

*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

1. Been waiting about nine months (since the first of the year)
2. My tentative cut-off point is the end of the year
3. My bringing it up varies. If I see an opportunity, it might be once every couple of weeks. It''s been about six weeks since we talked about it last.
3. I think the biggest challenge with waiting is just trying to stay upbeat and not let the "non-event" cloud every other aspect of our relationship. I want to enjoy my time with him, not be stressed out and worried about it when we''re together. Sometimes, this is really hard.
4. My friends have been really good for the most part - a few have been in similar situations. My sister''s stressing me out a little. She''s married already, and keeps asking about the status. My mom''s the biggest one though - she''s soo eager for it to happen, and she keeps saying things like, "Well, what''s his problem?"
Makes me want to cry. So I''ve just not told her anything in a while.

 

[ephemery1]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

I''m not an LIW anymore either, but I remember that time NOT so fondly... so thought I''d share my experience too.

1) I was in serious "waiting mode" for about a year. We''d been together a little over 2 years when I started ring-scouting to give him ideas. Next he started looking on his own and I had no idea what stage he was at in the process, then about 6 months into it, he decided to let me participate. The actual proposal was about 3 months after that.

2) We''d always talked about "when we''re married", so that didn''t change... but I brought up the actual engagement at least a few times a week near the end. Not in a formal conversation, but there were ALWAYS engagement-related issues going on... other friends'' weddings, etc... so it was always on my mind.

3) Not having control!!! I was deathly afraid he''d choose a ring I didn''t love, so I had nightmares about it all the time. After he gave in and let me participate in the ring-shopping process, it was smooth-sailing... I was much more content to let things happen.

4) My family was insane... asking me CONSTANTLY what was taking so long... complaining to their friends about it, which would eventually get back to me... begging for grandchildren/nieces/nephews (I was only 26!! But their first child, so all attention was on me). At one point my dad said he just wanted us to get engaged before his mom passed away to give her something to live for, and I snapped and had a conversation with them about overstepping boundaries. My friends were fine... not many are married, so not much pressure. But all of HIS friends were getting engaged/married, so it was a constant topic of conversation.

 

[vivosogno]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

1) We have been dating for almost 7 years, living together for one. I''ve been waiting anxiously for probably close to 2 years. My cutoff point is the end of 2006 and then I am out the door.

2) It really depends. Sometimes I bring it up daily and other times I can go a couple of weeks. We have been dating for a VERY long time so a lot of times I get really frustrated at all my friends who have been dating for 2-3-4 years and here I am at 7 and still no ring.

3) The biggest challenge about waiting has been trying to keep my cool and not getting jealous of friends. Sometimes I just get so mad! I keep it inside but its hard.

4) Our families have never even asked us EVER if we are going to get married. Its more our friends. When I first meet people I always get something to the effect of:

Them: So, how long have you been together?
Me: Close to 7 years
Them: Oh. Oh my god! Seven years? Oh my god!
Me: Yeah, a long time!
Them: Are you guys going to get married?
Me: Eventually
Them: Jesus, seven years? I can''t believe he hasn''t given you a ring yet! He needs to get on it.
Me (wanting to cry and/or scream and/or have a breakdown): Yeah, well I''m stilling waiting.
Them: I wouldn''t wait much longer.

For me this is always the hardest part because I always get some reaction like this of complete shock. It just never helps the situation because then I get pissed at him!

 

[Mandarine]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?

Ever since I met him too!!...haha....Oficially waiting since the beginning of this year. It has drove me insane and really hasn''t helped our relationship. This has been a crazy year and with all other things going on (jon, real estate, family issues) is just bad timing

My cut-off point is December...at least I think it is...but I honestly don''t know that it will happen now so I''m scared to death to think of "what if it doesn''t happen".

*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?

I try to be good and maybe just joke around. If you asked him he''d probably say I bring it up daily, which is not true!. I''ve gone through all the emotions...from happy, to angry, to sad, to excited, to doubtful.....it''s just a rollercoaster!


*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?

Asking myself why he hasn''t done it yet!....it just makes me wonder if maybe he just doesn''t want this as bad as I do....and if that''s the case...then why is he with me?. Just these kind of crazy thoughts go through my head. We''ve been together 2.5 years and he said he would do it this year....we are now approaching Fall and it just seems like he always has too many problems (real estate and with his business)...so I always find myself thinking "ok, after this passes then maybe he will concentrate more on our relationhip"...but something new always pops out. It''s not his fault, but I just feel like maybe he''s taking me for granted....that is the hardest part about waiting...that he acts as if no matter what I will be there for him and I will wait it out.

I know he loves me and wants to be with me...but waiting just makes my heart and head wonder in all directions and I find myself crying or just sad at least once every two weeks since about April. I''ve tried talking to him about it...because I understand he said "2006" so that means until Dec 31st 2006...but in the meantime he just doesn''t act excited about it. If he is, he just doesn''t show it maybe he does that to not create false expectations....but it brings me down.

I hear guys at work talking about their GFs (that they say they love and are happy with) and they all act like they want to extend as much as they can getting engaged...like it is such a pain and a death sentence....so why do they do it then??...Boys vs Girls I guess.

*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

My friends are great! My family just adds to the anxiety and always make me feel worse about it

 

[therighttime]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

1.It''s hard to say how long I''ve been waiting. We''ve been dating 2.5-3 years. We were best friends for 2 years before that so the lines are kinda blurred as to when the dating started. He brought up marriage over a year ago, but I guess I have considered myself officially waiting for about 10 months now. But crazy-waiting for seven weeks now. (I''ve shared before that he asked my dad for his blessing 7 weeks ago!!)

2. I probably bring it up in one way or another at least every other day, usually light-hearted, and it''s about once a month that we end up having a serious conversation about it.

3. My best friend, brother, and his sister have all gotten engaged recently and are getting married soon. My BF also does wedding photography. Tons of wedding/marriage talk all around me. That makes it hard to wait. I also am constantly wondering what is going through his head!

4. BF told my mom that he asked my dad''s blessing. (my parents are divorced.) And so since then she has been "where''s the ring...." all the time! I also told my best friend, so of course she is waiting for the proposal too. Before BF talked to my dad though, there wasn''t really any pressure or anxiety from family or friends.

thanks for the Friday questions Janinegirly!!! Have a great sparkly weekend everyone!

 

[Cailet]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
I have been waiting since November - so 10 months? Cutoff is end of the year
(we''ve been dating for a little more than 9 years with a 6 month break about 2 years ago - got back together and were taking it slow - I wasn''t ready to be married until November so it hasn''t felt too long to me!)

*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO? Hmm - every week or so. if something comes up maybe more? I''m sure that as we are getting closer to the end of the year that it will become MUCH more frequent!

*what is the biggest challenge about waiting? no control - plus he will say things all the time that make me think it will be really soon and then it isn''t

*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all? it''s the typical - "you guys have been dating forever! how can you wait SO long for him to ask you??" Like because I''m the girl I was supposed to be waiting to marry him from day 1? Um hello? I didn''t even know if I wanted to EVER get married when we started dating - it took being with him for so long to make me realize that marriage was something worth considering!

 

[bee*]

Ive been with ff for 7 years-we''ve always known that we would stay with each other but we only really started talking about it in January of this year when we visited New York (my favorite city in the world!). We are going back to New York next July to get the ring. My cut off would be if he decided not to go to New York (although he booked the flights last wk so dont think theres a chance of that) or if he decided that he didnt want to get engaged around then.

I dont bring it up that often any more-I went through a stage where I''d bring it up every couple of days (or hours!!) but I dont have the time to think about it that much as Ive just gone back to college

The hardest thing is that good friends of ours got engaged a couple of mths ago. We were together a bit longer than them and it just hurt a bit that he wanted to do it then but we''re waiting till next year. I was perfectly happy waiting until next July until they got engaged.

My family know that we are getting the ring next year as I told them when I went through my couldnt keep my mouth closed stage. Now I wish that I''d had more self control and didnt tell them!!

 

[goldenstar]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?

*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?

*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?

*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?


1) i think i''ve been officially waiting since May, which isn''t that long ago. we talked about it for a long time before that, but May is when we started trying on rings. there''s no cut off point, its going to happen sometime next year between feb - april.

2) oh man, EVERYDAY. i''m trying to hold it in so i don''t bug him. everytime i bring it up he says "we talked about this already". and we did, i''m just being a pest.

3) being patient. there are very good reasons to wait till next year, but i''m so gosh darn excited that i can''t help thinking about it 24/7.

4) haven''t added to the anxiety. my parents dont really ask about it and my friends are excited but they don''t bring it up. my grandma asks about it though and its so cute.

 

[firebirdgold]

I'm an LIW graduate but thought I'd chime in anyway... it's not one of my favorite memories either.

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?

*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?

*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?

*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

1) I waited 14 months. I didn't have a cutoff point the way you might mean as it never even occurred to me to walk out if he didn't propose. I did tell him that I didn't want to go to his sister's wedding as just a girlfriend. I wouldn't have left him and I would have gone anyway, but I would have been sad.

2) At first I brought it up about once a month, and then once every couple of months until he said he wanted me to give him some ring style ideas. Then I emailed him about once or twice every two weeks. (not that he really read them, but it did really help me). I still had melt downs about once a month though. I would get so insecure that he had changed his mind and it would build up until I had hysterics, at which point he'd reassure me that he was really looking forward to us getting married.

3) It was very hard to just sit back and trust him. I sort-of failed to mention this to him, but he wasn't the first guy to assure me that he wanted to marry me. So I was a bit traumatized and had trouble having faith in his words all the time. Having no control over the process is also very scary. I started to get really really paranoid.

4)They weren't very helpful. I did get a lot of 'why aren't you engaged yet?' from pretty much everyone. Didn't tell him that though.

 

[Curls]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
I'm not sure how long I've been waiting, but I'm guessing somewhere around a year and a half. We've been dating for 4.5 years and living together for 2.5.

I had never previously thought of a cutoff point until this moment right now. I guess it would be when I turn a certain age, 28 (I'm 25 now). I want to start having children around 30, so I figure that would give me time to get things in order prior to that. But I wouldn't leave him, I'd just give up on having a nice engagement ring and go to the courthouse. He says that money is the only thing holding him back at the moment, so that would solve that.

*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
It varies. Sometimes daily (if I'm obsessing) or sometimes monthly.

*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
The longer I wait, the longer I have time to plan and set new, higher expectations on the ring and the proposal. I am to the point now where I have picked out the exact ring I want and have ideas of the proposal in my head. He's aware of this, so fortunately he knows what he's up against.

*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?
It varies from my own parents never, ever, ever mentioning us getting married to some of his family members or my co-workers telling us that we should go to the courthouse tomorrow (they have religious problems with the fact that we live together). My close friends are great about it though. They get me excited about it, not anxious.

 

[Fancy605]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?

We first discussed the idea seriously about 6 months ago (He took me to dinner and brought it up--sweet, right?), but we have been together 4 and a half years. I don''t really have a specific "cut off." He is already putting a lot of pressure on himself to make things happen soon because we already know exactly when we want to get married. It''s mostly a matter of saving up enough for the ring we want. (Which we have the $ now, and a vendor, and an appointment to meet with the vendor, so I suppose the "time line" will be established based on how long the vendor says the process will take.) We both feel like the actual "engagement" is a technicallity at this point.

*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?

We both talk about marriage and the future a good bit. I dunno--it isn''t one of those things where either of us gets irritated because we have been together for so long abd because we have been planning it for a while now. I think I must be lucky because he brings it up as much as I do.

*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?

Well it has been challanging for both of us because the longer it takes, the less time we have to do any official planning. He is ready to get this show on the road, and I am pretty much ready myself.

*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

They haven''t. My family is not pushy about marriage (they are quite the opposite), and half of my friends are very modern in the sense that they don''t want to be married before 30, and the other half are so used to us as a couple that they don''t really ask anymore. I haven''t even brought it up to most of my family and friends (just a select few who get gushy enough about it (think charlotte from SatC) to make me forget about the waiting and be excited about the possibillity) He talks about it openly in front of his family, but they are super low key and don''t cause anxiety in any way.

 

[anchor31]

I''m a graduate, so I hope you don''t mid me answering!

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point? Between the moment he said "I''m thinking about proposing to you" and asked "Will you marry me?" passed exactly 9 months minus one day. Gestation period, anyone?

We got engaged 6 weeks before our 3rd anniversary, so there was no cutoff point. However, I did tell him that it was important for me that we be engaged before moving in together, so if he wanted me to move in with him, he had to get a move on.

*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO? I tried to bring it up as little as possible, I didn''t want to push him until he backed off. Before the ring search, about twice a month; during the ring search, about twice a week! He was actually the one to bring it up the most often, and that drove me insane!

*what is the biggest challenge about waiting? See above. At first he didn''t want any input on the ring and wanted it to be a complete surprise, so he''d divert the subject when I''d bring it up. Then I had no idea it was his way of trying to preserve the element of surprise, I thought he was shutting down and having doubts!

After we discussed if and he finally agreed on letting me pick the ring, the hardest (apart choosing the ring... I couldn''t make up my mind, ask anyone!

) was waiting for him to get his money together. He insisted on spending two months salary on it and he''s slowly recovering from horrible spending habits, so it was a long and frustrating process.

*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all? No one really added to my anxiety, I was lucky. I''m the first of my immediate family and of my group of friends to be engaged, so no pressure. We got the "When are you getting married?" questions from grandparents and aunts since day 1, but they didn''t really bother me. I''d just shrug and say "I have to graduate first." Sue enough, we''re getting married 5 months after my graduation!

 

[sk8rjen]

I''m a graduate too, but I''m enjoying everyone else''s answers, so I want to play too

How long/cutoff point? I waited officially for a year and 2 weeks. I had a feeling it might happen on my birthday (july 2nd) of last year which was the first day of our cruise -- he had just told me he was "ready" for us to move in together (this was 7 mos into relationship), and we had already looked at rings. I didn''t have a cutoff point at first, but then I did (birthday of this year) -- it finally happened 3 weeks after my birthday, the very DAY of my "amended" cut-off point (family party, newly engaged cousin...)

How often did I bring it up? Oh, you guys would be ashamed... I mean ALL the darned time. I really lacked aelf-control when it came to this. But I really started this AFTER our first anniversary...while I thought it might happen sooner, I was kinda expecting it on the anniversary. Come to find out, the was having some "doubts" after we''d moved in together b/c things were different. It only stressed me out more. I went on to pick a fight at Christmas AND Valentine''s Day.

Biggest challenge? Lack of self control, for sure. I''m a planner, he is not. I always have a very particular idea about how something should happen, he goes with the flow. But I was faced with some serious self-doubt for a while, while he was going through his "doubts" phase... I felt very weak and emotional (to a bad extreme). I had to remind myself that he was thinking about making a commitment not only to me, but also to my 3 boys, and he''d never lived with anyone before, or really ever been serious about anyone before, which helped a bit, when I could be logical.

Family/friends? My mom''s my only family and she was my sounding board away from PS. She''s like my best friend and really helped keep me OK while I felt so depressed. His family was fine, but they thought we took that cruise last year to elope

I''ll add this -- once we got on the ring thing -- TOGETHER -- my anxiety changed back to the happy/excited variety. The stuff from Dec to March was awful, and I still am so grateful I found PS. It was one of the hardest things I''ve been through, b/c I didn''t know for a while if we were going to end up engaged or break up. Lots of ups and downs! I hope you girls are faring better than I did!

jen

 

[larussel03]

*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?


1. I had been waiting for about 5 or 6 months. We''d started having the convo in Sept ish last year and he proposed in Jan
2. I brought it up alot at first...then didnt till around Xmas time.....actually just used the LIW to vent so it wouldnt go his way
3. Being patient b/c you just want that commitment so badly, but you also dont want to take away from *his* experience of proposing to you
4. Not really, my mom would ask about it from time to time b/c she knew we had talked about it, but that''s pretty much it.

 

[Sweet_Khelli]

Date: 9/22/2006 11:57:53 AM
Author: vivosogno
*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

1) We have been dating for almost 7 years, living together for one. I''ve been waiting anxiously for probably close to 2 years. My cutoff point is the end of 2006 and then I am out the door.

2) It really depends. Sometimes I bring it up daily and other times I can go a couple of weeks. We have been dating for a VERY long time so a lot of times I get really frustrated at all my friends who have been dating for 2-3-4 years and here I am at 7 and still no ring.

3) The biggest challenge about waiting has been trying to keep my cool and not getting jealous of friends. Sometimes I just get so mad! I keep it inside but its hard.

4) Our families have never even asked us EVER if we are going to get married. Its more our friends. When I first meet people I always get something to the effect of:

Them: So, how long have you been together?
Me: Close to 7 years
Them: Oh. Oh my god! Seven years? Oh my god!
Me: Yeah, a long time!
Them: Are you guys going to get married?
Me: Eventually
Them: Jesus, seven years? I can''t believe he hasn''t given you a ring yet! He needs to get on it.
Me (wanting to cry and/or scream and/or have a breakdown): Yeah, well I''m stilling waiting.
Them: I wouldn''t wait much longer.

For me this is always the hardest part because I always get some reaction like this of complete shock. It just never helps the situation because then I get pissed at him!

I''m in a very similar situation and I get this constantly when I say I have a boyfriend and have been dating him for almost 7 years. Very frustrating to say the least.

 

[ladykemma]

visogvino - if you have been waiting seven years, and are miserable and unhappy, why are you waiting til end of 2007 to make a decision?

don''t answer just think to yourself.

 

[Sweet_Khelli]

Lady Kemma...I think she said the end of 2006 and not 2007.

 

[vivosogno]

I''m not miserable and unhappy. I''m sorry if you got that from my post. I''m very frustrated as is almost every other LIW. For those that have been in a relationship for a long time I think that they can agree with me that some days are better than others. I am very much in love but waiting is very trying and some days are frustrating. I''m waiting until the end of 2007 because I DON''T want to leave my boyfriend (if I did I would be gone already) - I want to give him this deadline and if he doesn''t stick to it then I''m moving on! He told me today he is going to propose before Thanksgiving so we shall see!

 

[aussiegirl23]

Date: 9/22/2006 11:57:53 AM
Author: vivosogno
*how long have you been waiting and what is your cutoff point?
*how often do you bring up engagement to your SO?
*what is the biggest challenge about waiting?
*how have your friends/family added to your anxiety if at all?

1) We have been dating for almost 7 years, living together for one. I''ve been waiting anxiously for probably close to 2 years. My cutoff point is the end of 2006 and then I am out the door.

2) It really depends. Sometimes I bring it up daily and other times I can go a couple of weeks. We have been dating for a VERY long time so a lot of times I get really frustrated at all my friends who have been dating for 2-3-4 years and here I am at 7 and still no ring.

3) The biggest challenge about waiting has been trying to keep my cool and not getting jealous of friends. Sometimes I just get so mad! I keep it inside but its hard.

4) Our families have never even asked us EVER if we are going to get married. Its more our friends. When I first meet people I always get something to the effect of:

Them: So, how long have you been together?
Me: Close to 7 years
Them: Oh. Oh my god! Seven years? Oh my god!
Me: Yeah, a long time!
Them: Are you guys going to get married?
Me: Eventually
Them: Jesus, seven years? I can''t believe he hasn''t given you a ring yet! He needs to get on it.
Me (wanting to cry and/or scream and/or have a breakdown): Yeah, well I''m stilling waiting.
Them: I wouldn''t wait much longer.

For me this is always the hardest part because I always get some reaction like this of complete shock. It just never helps the situation because then I get pissed at him!

Before you said end of 2006, now it''s end of 2007? Change of heart, or typo?

 

[vivosogno]

Sorry its end of 2006 -- typo!

 

[aussiegirl23]

Best of luck vivosogno : ) We''re here to listen!
Aussie