gwendolyn
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2007
- Messages
- 6,770
As a preface, I just wanted to say that these musing are based on a friend from real life, and not from anyone''s posts here. I would never presume to know anything about anyone''s life here in any sort of detail simply because we all know we only just barely skim the surface when posting here, so please don''t think I''m addressing anyone here.
The following is addressed to the general ''you'', or, if you like, to the friend of mine I will address specifically in the next paragraph: I can understand wanting the things you want. If you feel like you''re ready for marriage and your boyfriend doesn''t yet, then I can definitely see where there''d be a touch of envy when people you know get what you want, from wishing he was ready sooner so you could be making that step sooner. But (and maybe this is just my friends kind of making me see this strangely), what does anyone else''s life have to do with your own? If the two of you aren''t ready for marriage for a while, and then you are, isn''t that the right time to get engaged, instead of when your friends are getting engaged?
I have this one friend (well, she''s my good friend''s girlfriend) who''s been with her boyfriend for over 7 years now. They haven''t had one serious conversation about marriage because he scares her away with "do you REALLY want to talk about that now?" in this doom & gloom voice, so she scurries away. But she''s been wanting to get engaged for the past 6+ years now, and is really unhappy that it doesn''t look like it''s in the cards for her. Every time someone else in our group of friends gets engaged, she has a tantrum because she''s been lapped. Her anger, I have no doubt, comes from her frustration about her own situation, which makes PERFECT sense to me.
The thing that DOESN''T make sense to me (and this is the main point of this post) is that, I guess to make herself feel better, she uses her situation and her anger to pick apart whatever that friend''s relationship is. It''s kind of mean--really mean, in some instances, and she knows deep down that she really knows nothing about their relationship since she isn''t a part of it, and that the things she says are inappropriate and hurtful. Also, she was dropping hints about wanting to be engaged after less than 6 months into her relationship, so it''s also slightly hypocritical that she''d have been overjoyed if it had been her at 6 months, but is now snubbing her nose at other people who are getting engaged after that amount of time. She thinks her 7+ years give her the right to rip other relationships to shreds when they get engaged before she does, which I think is the "arg, I''ve been lapped!" feeling multiplied by a hundred.
I realize that this probably sounds like I''m lecturing, but I''m trying really hard not to sound like this. I''m not sure what it was that pushed my friend''s girlfriend from just being slightly peeved when other people lapped her to getting downright nasty about it, but I mention this in the hopes that this sort of thing doesn''t happen to anyone here. You all are such sweet, lovely, beautiful women, some of whom are feeling really frustrated and annoyed that it''s taking so long. But please, please, don''t become like this girl. You''re really not in competition with anyone else, no matter how people may tease or nag you. Your relationship is unique, and only you and your SOs know what''s best for you. I know for my relationship, waiting is preferable (so we have time and money to be like a normal couple, instead of a bloody stressful paperwork-ridden international couple!), but if I told that to my friend''s girlfriend, she might just rip my heart out of my chest.
Anyway, I didn''t mean to offend anyone who''s ever felt anything at being lapped. I guess I just am a worrier, and would hate to see any of your lovely ladies become obsessed with the ''race'' to get engaged like this girl I know. I know folks come here to vent, and vent you should! Just wanted to share a cautionary tale about what happens if everything becomes venting, I guess.
The following is addressed to the general ''you'', or, if you like, to the friend of mine I will address specifically in the next paragraph: I can understand wanting the things you want. If you feel like you''re ready for marriage and your boyfriend doesn''t yet, then I can definitely see where there''d be a touch of envy when people you know get what you want, from wishing he was ready sooner so you could be making that step sooner. But (and maybe this is just my friends kind of making me see this strangely), what does anyone else''s life have to do with your own? If the two of you aren''t ready for marriage for a while, and then you are, isn''t that the right time to get engaged, instead of when your friends are getting engaged?
I have this one friend (well, she''s my good friend''s girlfriend) who''s been with her boyfriend for over 7 years now. They haven''t had one serious conversation about marriage because he scares her away with "do you REALLY want to talk about that now?" in this doom & gloom voice, so she scurries away. But she''s been wanting to get engaged for the past 6+ years now, and is really unhappy that it doesn''t look like it''s in the cards for her. Every time someone else in our group of friends gets engaged, she has a tantrum because she''s been lapped. Her anger, I have no doubt, comes from her frustration about her own situation, which makes PERFECT sense to me.
The thing that DOESN''T make sense to me (and this is the main point of this post) is that, I guess to make herself feel better, she uses her situation and her anger to pick apart whatever that friend''s relationship is. It''s kind of mean--really mean, in some instances, and she knows deep down that she really knows nothing about their relationship since she isn''t a part of it, and that the things she says are inappropriate and hurtful. Also, she was dropping hints about wanting to be engaged after less than 6 months into her relationship, so it''s also slightly hypocritical that she''d have been overjoyed if it had been her at 6 months, but is now snubbing her nose at other people who are getting engaged after that amount of time. She thinks her 7+ years give her the right to rip other relationships to shreds when they get engaged before she does, which I think is the "arg, I''ve been lapped!" feeling multiplied by a hundred.
I realize that this probably sounds like I''m lecturing, but I''m trying really hard not to sound like this. I''m not sure what it was that pushed my friend''s girlfriend from just being slightly peeved when other people lapped her to getting downright nasty about it, but I mention this in the hopes that this sort of thing doesn''t happen to anyone here. You all are such sweet, lovely, beautiful women, some of whom are feeling really frustrated and annoyed that it''s taking so long. But please, please, don''t become like this girl. You''re really not in competition with anyone else, no matter how people may tease or nag you. Your relationship is unique, and only you and your SOs know what''s best for you. I know for my relationship, waiting is preferable (so we have time and money to be like a normal couple, instead of a bloody stressful paperwork-ridden international couple!), but if I told that to my friend''s girlfriend, she might just rip my heart out of my chest.
Anyway, I didn''t mean to offend anyone who''s ever felt anything at being lapped. I guess I just am a worrier, and would hate to see any of your lovely ladies become obsessed with the ''race'' to get engaged like this girl I know. I know folks come here to vent, and vent you should! Just wanted to share a cautionary tale about what happens if everything becomes venting, I guess.
What I''m saying is that I don''t want to feel bitterness or sadness when I receive someone''s good news, because you''re right, it has NOTHING to do with me or my situation. The good news is that I do a great job of internalizing it, so the only people who know I feel this way are internet strangers. And my journal, which isn''t a person, but it''s a great outlet for working through these feelings.
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