sorry....another long one.

[mimzy]

hi all

first i wanted to say congratulations to everyone i haven''t yet said congratulations to. it seems like half the list has been taken off in the past two weeks, very cool.

I feel like I am losing it. like, really going off the deep end. while i haven''t exactly been super mellow for the past ten months, it''s been nothing as to how i''ve felt in the past week or so. I guess I should preface this by adding in that a long time ago i was labeled/diagnosed as borderline personality disorder...which pretty much means super intense mood swings between anger and depression, isolating/anti-social behavior, etc. I used to be on a lot of meds and in therapy for it, but i''ve since gone off all that stuff and have gotten it under control on my own....until now. I feel like I am regressing back to what i was like all those years ago, and it is the worse feeling ever. Knowing that it is already mid-october and we are still not engaged and that because of this we will surely have to wait another year to get married and it will be more expensive etc (another story) just triggers this rage in me that just sort of takes over. and when it happens it isn''t even about the engagement anymore. usually i could just say that it really sucks and deal with it, but not anymore. i don''t know if it is just my pent-up feelings about this boiling over or if there has been some sort of hormonal shift or what, but I really can''t stop myself from being miserable. If i''m not feeling severely depressed, i am furious. DISCLAIMER: i know that this is no reason for him to ask me sooner. nevertheless,knowing that we could be engaged tomorrow if he wanted to be, but still knowing that he plans on waiting for god knows how long makes me even madder. i know this is faulty thinking, but i can''t help but being pissed from thinking that no matter what his reasons are for waiting (as he claims he is ready) isn''t a good enough reason. whatever it is, it isn''t worth it.

I am normally a really laid back person, and while i''m not usually scared to bring something up if i''m upset, we don''t usually fight. I''ve done my best over the past week or so to keep it to myself, but i finally let him know how it was affecting me. I was nervous because i didn''t want him to think that i was just being dramatic or trying to coerce him ito doing it sooner. I told him that i was thinking of going back to see someone, and he said that he would support that. while i am honestly considering it, i''m not sure how much good it would do without the medications to go along with it, and that isn''t something i want to do again.I also really really really don''t want to admit to my family that I feel like I need those things again, which I would have to do as i am still under my mom''s insurance because i''m a student. I know all the strategies to bring myself down, so to speak, but they are failing me.

I just feel like it is to the point where i am just flat out not going to be happy until it happens because, like i said, once it gets to that point it isnt even about engagement anymore, it just takes over everything. (and it''s not helping that i am feeling overwhelmed with school and other things).

he asks me why i can''t just be happy with all the good things in my life and i don''t know how to answer him. he tries to help me, but he doesn''t understand how i feel when those borderline tendencies come up because it was before i met him when it was at its worst. I don''t even know if i am looking for advice or what. I am just so angry.

 

[kellybelly]

well i have to tell you, i am thinking that it just doesn''t get any easier until you''re actually married. i myself am waiting, but the main difference is that i know my BF is looking at rings, while yours may not be. "Consuming" is a good word that i think you used. or that it "takes over" everything. there isn''t a day that goes by, or even an hour in a day, that i don''t think about it. and when i say think about getting engaged, i don''t just mean a passing thought, i mean everything about it. what will the ring look like? will it be just what i wanted? how will he propose? should i get my nails done? what if i''m not dressed nicely enough when it happens and i have to have my picture taken? this is not my normal behavior, to be nutty like this, but this whole process has driven me to it!!

i guess what i''m saying is that even once you KNOW that he is looking, it won''t be any easier. check with some other ladies on this board, but i am guessing the anxiety will abate once you get the proposal and the ring. i''ll be sure to let you know....or maybe you''ll have to let ME know!

 

[mimzy]

thanks for replying kelly. unfortunately i am in a position to let you know that it doesn''t get easier - i am 99.999% certain that FF already has the ring in his possession. my LIW anxiety definitely let up a little when i found out he was really looking, and i figured it would disappear when he got it. But i think he''s had it for awhile, and while at first it wasn''t this bad, it has gotten so much worse. i think that is where some of the (undeserved) anger comes from - knowing that there''s no good reason to still be waiting, but finding myself in this position nonetheless. but like i said, i''m not sure if it is because i am still waiting, or something else (probably a combo of both). i hope your bf finds a pretty one soon!

 

[iheartscience]

I totally understand your anger. I personally think it''s somewhat of a controlling type thing when the guy has the ring and doesn''t propose for months and months at a time. I''m not saying that''s the case for you, but just saying in general, that''s what I usually think when I read about LIWs whose boyfriends have the ring and haven''t proposed. I mean, why not propose the day you get the ring? Or that weekend so you can do something special? Why wait?! I just don''t understand it, really. It makes ME mad and I didn''t even go through that! (I got proposed to literally hours after my fiance picked up the ring.)

My ranting probably wasn''t helpful, but I definitely empathize with you!

As far as the psychological issues go, why are you reluctant to see somebody again? I''m sure you''ve heard this before, but psychiatry and psychology are like any other types of medicine, in my opinion. If you break a leg, you go to an orthopedist and get it fixed...if you''re depressed, you go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and talk it out or get meds...no difference! Does your family give you a hard time about it? Or are you just worried about what they''ll think of you? Or will it hurt your pride to have to go back? Just curious.

You are probably also aware that when people are depressed they are unlikely to seek treatment because they think it won''t help, etc. I don''t want you to fall into that trap! Are you in school? If so, perhaps you could use your school''s counseling services? That way your mother wouldn''t have to know about it if she does give you a hard time.

I''m sorry you''re dealing with this...I hope you can find a way to work through it soon so it doesn''t damage your relationship with your (hopefully) soon to be fiance.

 

[Hera]

I don't think it's so much of a controlling thing with guys as much as it may make a person feel out of control about the ring. It sounds pretty normal as far as feeling the anger about not being engaged. There are a couple of things you said that got my attention, you said that you usually don't fight with your boyfriend. I actually think it's a good, healthy thing to fight or have arguments. If you don't, you can have some pent up feelings that may be at this point boiling over.

Also, there is nothing to be ashamed about if you need medications or need to see a therapist. If you feel that uncomfortable talking to your family, you could go to your school, which may have them or try contacting some on your own as some will have sliding scale that you may be able to afford. Still, it appears that you could learn some valuable stress management tips from them to avoid boiling over. I

I hope you feel better soon

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/10/2007 10:17:09 PM
Author:mimzy
I feel like I am losing it. like, really going off the deep end. I told him that i was thinking of going back to see someone, and he said that he would support that. while i am honestly considering it, i''m not sure how much good it would do without the medications to go along with it, and that isn''t something i want to do again. I also really really really don''t want to admit to my family that I feel like I need those things again, which I would have to do as i am still under my mom''s insurance because i''m a student. I know all the strategies to bring myself down, so to speak, but they are failing me.

I''ve found that depression issues are recurrent ... not "cured". As difficult and humbling as it is to ask for help -- it will be less so over time. This isn''t the only stressful frustrating time you''ll go through in which you might need to resume treatment/meds. It''s just the FIRST "next time". Which is, IMO, the worst. Especially if your family is still closely involved in insurence matters etc. You have to be practical -- what''s worse? Reaching out for help ... or sabotaging your health & relationships out of (perhaps) pride. People will understand. Your family will understand. You''re just a human girl & trying to do the best you can.

 

[marvel]

Date: 10/11/2007 1:11:28 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 10/10/2007 10:17:09 PM
Author:mimzy
I feel like I am losing it. like, really going off the deep end. I told him that i was thinking of going back to see someone, and he said that he would support that. while i am honestly considering it, i''m not sure how much good it would do without the medications to go along with it, and that isn''t something i want to do again. I also really really really don''t want to admit to my family that I feel like I need those things again, which I would have to do as i am still under my mom''s insurance because i''m a student. I know all the strategies to bring myself down, so to speak, but they are failing me.

I''ve found that depression issues are recurrent ... not ''cured''. As difficult and humbling as it is to ask for help -- it will be less so over time. This isn''t the only stressful frustrating time you''ll go through in which you might need to resume treatment/meds. It''s just the FIRST ''next time''. Which is, IMO, the worst. Especially if your family is still closely involved in insurence matters etc. You have to be practical -- what''s worse? Reaching out for help ... or sabotaging your health & relationships out of (perhaps) pride. People will understand. Your family will understand. You''re just a human girl & trying to do the best you can.

Deco is always the voice of reason

I wish I could be so insightful

She is absolutely right about the depression. I know from experience. It could be a chemical imbalance, or situational, that triggers it. But, it''s best to learn how to deal with it. Like Deco said, this is just the first of many stressful situations in your life that you''ll have to handle. Talking to someone is the best thing you can do for yourself, and your b/f. Even posting here is really good for you...so keep posting your feelings!! Medications sucks, I know that too, but maybe this is what is need to keep you on an even keel

In any case, hang in there!!!

 

[Pandora II]

Mimzy,

I really think you should go and see someone again.

I am bipolar and was diagnosed 7 years ago - after a horrible experience with the meds they put me on (turned me into a zombie for a year), I refused to take anything for 4 years and tried to cope on my own.

I had a breakdown due to stress and depression last spring and got back into the system. Since June I have been taking Lamotrigine and I feel amazing. I don''t feel drugged up to the eyeballs, and I''m so much calmer, less irritable and less wound-up like a spring about to explode.

It''s not failure to get help - it''s exactly like being diabetic or epileptic, you need treatment.

It would make your bf propose any faster - but it will help you deal with the wait better. Abandonment fears tend to be very prominent in BPD, and this would add more stress for you in this situation than for most other people.

 

[mimzy]

thanks for all your responses girls, i really appreciate them.

I guess i am reluctant to go back to see someone because everyone, including myself, was really proud when i stopped taking the medications, and i really really don''t want to go back on them....which is what i''m sure would be recommended if i did go see someone, and i don''t want to succumb to that pressure...which i probably would. i''m not too proud to ask for help, i just don''t want to go through the hell of those meds again (pandora, i feel for you), and then the hell that would be the withdrawl when i didn''t need them anymore...that''s what scares me. i absolutely think that counseling and medication can be helpful and i think there is no shame in it at all. i think that

as for the depression aspect, deco i know you''re right, it''s never ''cured'', just ''managed''. Over the past few years (maybe once or twice every other month) i''ll get really antisocial and down...but i''ve learned over time how to ''manage'' it without the kind of help that requires insurance. my FF has played a huge part in that too...I guess that''s what makes this time different, because he can''t help.

the anger is much more unsettling than the depression. depression has always been there, and i am okay with dealing with it on my own (plus fam/friends - not that i''m supergirl, it just isn''t severe enough usually to seek treatment). it really is the anger that is worrying me and making me so uncomfortable. it''s the anger that i don'' know what to do about. it doesn''t go away, it''s like, even if i am calm i still feel like screaming and fighting and crying. up until i was about seventeen, i never had a temper - i don''t even remember ever feeling actually angry at someone before then, and i am still usually like that....it takes A LOT to make me mad. so it is so foreign to me still to be this constantly angry (even though i was pretty much angry/depressed for two solid years...but that was a while ago).

i think i will look into what my school offers. i went through them at the two universities i did my undergrad at and i can''t really say that i had the best experience, but maybe i''ll give it a shot. ick, i just remembered that the psychology clinic is in the same clinic that the language clinic that i work in is. but i wont'' let that deter me (i''ll just have to be sneaky).

this is something i''d like to avoid:
me:"i''ve been really angry lately"
them: "how come"
me: "well, my boyfriend won''t propose and i''ve been waiting a long time"
them: "get out".

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 10/10/2007 10:17:09 PM
Author:mimzy
hi all

first i wanted to say congratulations to everyone i haven''t yet said congratulations to. it seems like half the list has been taken off in the past two weeks, very cool.

I feel like I am losing it. like, really going off the deep end. while i haven''t exactly been super mellow for the past ten months, it''s been nothing as to how i''ve felt in the past week or so. I guess I should preface this by adding in that a long time ago i was labeled/diagnosed as borderline personality disorder...which pretty much means super intense mood swings between anger and depression, isolating/anti-social behavior, etc. I used to be on a lot of meds and in therapy for it, but i''ve since gone off all that stuff and have gotten it under control on my own....until now. I feel like I am regressing back to what i was like all those years ago, and it is the worse feeling ever. Knowing that it is already mid-october and we are still not engaged and that because of this we will surely have to wait another year to get married and it will be more expensive etc (another story) just triggers this rage in me that just sort of takes over. and when it happens it isn''t even about the engagement anymore. usually i could just say that it really sucks and deal with it, but not anymore. i don''t know if it is just my pent-up feelings about this boiling over or if there has been some sort of hormonal shift or what, but I really can''t stop myself from being miserable. If i''m not feeling severely depressed, i am furious. DISCLAIMER: i know that this is no reason for him to ask me sooner. nevertheless,knowing that we could be engaged tomorrow if he wanted to be, but still knowing that he plans on waiting for god knows how long makes me even madder. i know this is faulty thinking, but i can''t help but being pissed from thinking that no matter what his reasons are for waiting (as he claims he is ready) isn''t a good enough reason. whatever it is, it isn''t worth it.

I am normally a really laid back person, and while i''m not usually scared to bring something up if i''m upset, we don''t usually fight. I''ve done my best over the past week or so to keep it to myself, but i finally let him know how it was affecting me. I was nervous because i didn''t want him to think that i was just being dramatic or trying to coerce him ito doing it sooner. I told him that i was thinking of going back to see someone, and he said that he would support that. while i am honestly considering it, i''m not sure how much good it would do without the medications to go along with it, and that isn''t something i want to do again.I also really really really don''t want to admit to my family that I feel like I need those things again, which I would have to do as i am still under my mom''s insurance because i''m a student. I know all the strategies to bring myself down, so to speak, but they are failing me.

I just feel like it is to the point where i am just flat out not going to be happy until it happens because, like i said, once it gets to that point it isnt even about engagement anymore, it just takes over everything. (and it''s not helping that i am feeling overwhelmed with school and other things).

he asks me why i can''t just be happy with all the good things in my life and i don''t know how to answer him. he tries to help me, but he doesn''t understand how i feel when those borderline tendencies come up because it was before i met him when it was at its worst. I don''t even know if i am looking for advice or what. I am just so angry.

Mimzy,

Please forgive me for not reading everyone''s responses however, I can offer my perspective as it relates to my own experience. I can fully say that I am ready to be engaged and have been there for quite some time now. I think I''m number 8 on the list now? Anyway, I''ve been agonizing about all of these things for well over a year and it doesn''t get any better. I can''t even imagine how I would feel if I knew he had the ring. The truth is, I don''t think he does. I like to hope that he does. I imagine what he''d be like trying to pick out something that he know''s I''d love. I go through times where I am really anxious and try to give him clues or straight out examples (like setting my website homepage to the rings on Leon''s site that I like). These are all things that I struggle with as I like to think that I am in control of my life. I like control but I think we all know that it is imposible to control some of these things. When I really sit back and think about it I wonder if I would really be that happy knowing that I''d controled this part of my life. That lets me let go (at least for the moment). Does this stop me from obsessively checking this website to see if there are any clues. He knows that I post here so I don''t think he ever would, but that doesn''t keep me from looking, obviously.

Latley I''ve tried to focus on how great our relationship is and that I truly want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I want to make him as happy and filled with love as he does me. This had settled some anxiety with me for now. The truth is until I am married I will probably still have some sort of question in the back of my head as to wether or not this man loves me enough to be with me FOREVER. Again this is just me and most definatley based on previous life events. My point is, if I am going to be with this man forever then what is one more year, one more month, one more day? I''m not saying that I am going to wait forever, more like putting into my perspective. That doesn''t stop me from feeling like we are ready and that I want it NOW!

Other than taking a physc class in college, I don''t have too much knowledge on BPD. My personal experience is that emotional issues are not your fault. Putting the blame on yourself only sets you up to become more analytical about your emotions which can put you into a downward spiral. Sometimes its good to get a non-biased persons perspective on your thoughts. I know that when I go to therapy I usually tell my physciatrist (who does cognitive therapy as well) every analytical thought that goes through my mind. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life and don''t give myself credit for the things that go right. Neither which are "right". The point is I usually leave those sessions feeling more relaxed about the choices that I am making in my life. Now, I also remember a doctor telling me in high school that I had add, another one told me that I had depression...etc. The point is, this is not an exact science where you can test for a bacteria and get a diagnosis such as..."strep". With that said, would you blame your self for getting that? You are the only person that knows what is best for you. It took me a long time to figure that out and I still have to remind myself of that.

You are allowed to feel angry. Everytime I get this way, I try and find other things to focus on. For example, I took a photography class last year. I also try to hang out more with my friends. Sometimes I have to tell myself to get off pricescope and get out of the house. Does it make the anger go away, no, but it does help me focus on other things which allow me to lighten up a little. You are a strong person and waiting for that moment/marrige will make you stronger in the long run. You will know that your ff wants to be with you for the right reasons, tendancies and all. I hope that makes sense.

Have a great day.

EL1

 

[mirre]

Hello mimzy. I''m so sorry you''re having a difficult time.

If I say something someone has already said please forgive me.

I was going to say that if you really do not want to talk to your mom about going back to see someone at the school (someone said that already) but it''s free. I understand 100% about you not wanting to be on meds for it... I hate taking anything that isn''t over the counter for a headache or cold, I just don''t like having that stuff in my body.

However, maybe if you speak with someone at the school about it they can give you exercises or something that you can also do at home on your own that can help you with your thoughts?

I''ve never been in your situation but my advice is that if you are thinking you may need to see someone again then you probably should. If it turns out that it doesn''t help... then you could stop going.

Good Luck!!

 

[bee*]

Hey mimzy, sorry you''re feeling so angry. I can only look at things from my point of view but my bf had the ring for nearly three months before he proposed and sure, at times I felt a bit frustrated, but the way that I looked at it, it wasn''t just me doing this, it was both of us and he had every right to plan the proposal as he wanted to also. For D, he''s been so happy this week telling everyone how he did it, how he surprised me etc. It''s almost like I got the ring, he got this great story to tell after his great proposal

What I guess that I''m trying to say is that if you think he has the ring and he''s told you he''s ready, he might be trying to plan something nice. I know that at the moment, you''d probably just rather he do it now but looking back it is really nice to let things just happen sometimes and have your man surprise you. I don''t think every man that has the ring for a while is trying to control us-some of them are just trying to plan something that will knock our socks off!
I just hope that you feel better soon and it might be good to see someone if you feel the need to talk to them. Or keep venting here! Best of luck!

 

[Pandora II]

To be honest Mimzy, it''s actually quite wrong of people to be ''proud'' of you for coming off the meds. Yes, be proud for living a full life whilst coping with mental health problems, but saying that kind of assumes that they would feel let down and ''ashamed'' of you if you needed to take them again.

If you had diabetes, would your family be proud of you for coming off the insulin?

That said, I do empathise, as I felt exactly the same. It''s only now that I can see how unhappy I really was struggling on my own.

It''s all about getting the best quality of life you can. By this I mean also working to find the meds that work best for you. The one''s I''m on now have zero side-effects for me, except a headache for a few days after I up the doses. There are new meds coming out all the time and it''s worth doing some research and trying different ones till a good one comes along.

Great idea to go to your psych clinic. Don''t worry about sounding stupid saying what you posted - their job is to uncover the reason why you feel that you are over-reacting to the situation and to find out why you are so angry. I''ve said just as many ridiculous sounding things - where you think they''ll just tell you to grow up and get over it. So far they haven''t!

It might be worth also looking into some relaxation techniques.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/11/2007 11:02:36 AM
Author: Pandora II
To be honest Mimzy, it''s actually quite wrong of people to be ''proud'' of you for coming off the meds. Yes, be proud for living a full life whilst coping with mental health problems, but saying that kind of assumes that they would feel let down and ''ashamed'' of you if you needed to take them again. If you had diabetes, would your family be proud of you for coming off the insulin?That said, I do empathise, as I felt exactly the same. It''s only now that I can see how unhappy I really was struggling on my own.

Ditto.

Mimzy, you mention that the depression is something you''re kinda used to but that the anger is new & scary. IMHO depression is anger directed INWARD ... rage occurs when you have something concrete to "blame" for your suffering/frustration etc... In this case, you''re focusing on the engagement or lack thereof. You have something to "blame" so it seems reasonable. But the LEVEL of this rage is not ... because it''s being funneled from the pre-existing depression & super-sized. Again .. all just my unprofessional opinion based on my own experiences exploring depression & rage. I had a depression turned to rage incident at a work place one time. Where I really thought it was the job/environment making me furious ... but my reaction to things was so OVERBLOWN and ridiculous & dramatic because it wasn''t just about the job ... it was about my own unhappiness & depression etc. It FOOLS you -- you think it''s reasonable but it''s not. Until someone calls you on it. And by then you''ve damaged relationships etc. That''s why I''m telling you MY story in the hopes it will ring a bell & you won''t damage YOURS.

It''s very, very hard to start seeing this as a chronic, cyclical disorder -- but it very well may be that for you. And I hate to say it but negotiating wedding planning etc could be even more stressful than the waiting you''re doing now ... and the wedding itself ... and married life .. post-wedding blues ... I guess I''m just kinda predicting that you''re going to be needing help during this time if you''re as stressed out NOW as you are. Why wait? And stay miserable?

 

[Delster]

Mimzy, I'm thinking of you and sending you big hugs...

I wish there were magic words we could say to you to ease your worries and calm all that anger. Have you heard the theory that depression and anger are two sides of the one coin? That depression is often the result of anger we feel it's not acceptable to express? This is supposedly particularly true for women. I don't know how valid the theory is but maybe the depression that you've so far been managing is finding another way to express - as anger?

A lot of people here mentioned control - I find my LIW stress is at its highest when I feel like I don't have control over my life and when things are going to happen. Do you think you need to find a way to feel in control of your life again? I don't know, I could be way off the mark here.

I think you should seek out a counsellor at your school who can help you find new coping strategies. Maybe the old ones aren't as effective with these new feelings. I am sure if you explain your desire to try to deal with this without medication that you can find a counsellor who will respect that. Then, if needs be, you can revisit that decision at a later date.

Have you talked to your FF about all this? You said he's been really helpful in helping you manage the depression, I am sure he can help with this too. Make sure you let him.

And most of all -- please please please be gentle with yourself. We are our own worst critics. You are such a sweet and warm poster on here. Remember that that is you too, and you are not just the angry bits. You are both, and both are valid!

>>>HUGS<<<

ETA: Deco and I were posting at the same time - she said it much more eloquently than I managed to!

 

[aljdewey]

Mimzy, I think the anger is stemming from the fact that you feel like you are powerless, and I think there''s a way to alleviate that.

This man is going to presumably be your husband; there shouldn''t be anything you cannot talk to him about. The key to good communication is having the discussion when it begins to bother you. In this case, it seems you''re already too late on that; you''ve been building resentment and anger about this steadily, and it''s going to be tough to have a measured, non-accusatory talk about your feelings.

Regardless, I think you need to find a way to calm yourself to where you can talk to him. (practice with a friend, if needed. Get all the snarky poisonous stuff out and figure out how to say what you need to say without being a stinker).

Then sit down and have a *level, calm* talk with him. Tell him that you''re feeling anxiety because you know he has had the ring for a while and yet he''s not proposed. This gives you the feeling that there''s something holding him back from doing so, which makes you feel anxious, and you want to understand what''s holding him back.

If he comes back with this notion of "I want it to be perfect and I''m waiting for just the right moment", I''d tell him how you feel. "Hey, it''s great that you want it to be perfect, but it''s not really perfect anyway if it takes so long that by the time it comes, I''m feeling frustrated and can''t really enjoy it." Perhaps the solution would be to agree that it''ll happen sometime within the next 4-6 months or whatever.....something to help you know that it''s not just some nebulous undefined time frame, but enough of a window to preserve his wanting to make it special and unexpected at a given moment.

He asks me why i can''t just be happy with all the good things in my life and i don''t know how to answer him. Here''s one suggestion: "Looking to the next stage of my life and wanting my life to progress doesn''t mean I''m not happy with what I have now. It means that I''m eager to continue on the path that my life is on. I know you''re the person I want to spend my life with, and you''ve said I''m the one you want to spend yours with, too. If that''s what we both want, and we''re both ready, then I want us to be moving forward and making that happen. Being content with what you have doesn''t mean not setting goals for what you want next."

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 10/11/2007 1:37:23 PM
Author: aljdewey
Mimzy, I think the anger is stemming from the fact that you feel like you are powerless, and I think there''s a way to alleviate that.

This man is going to presumably be your husband; there shouldn''t be anything you cannot talk to him about. The key to good communication is having the discussion when it begins to bother you. In this case, it seems you''re already too late on that; you''ve been building resentment and anger about this steadily, and it''s going to be tough to have a measured, non-accusatory talk about your feelings.

Regardless, I think you need to find a way to calm yourself to where you can talk to him. (practice with a friend, if needed. Get all the snarky poisonous stuff out and figure out how to say what you need to say without being a stinker).

Then sit down and have a *level, calm* talk with him. Tell him that you''re feeling anxiety because you know he has had the ring for a while and yet he''s not proposed. This gives you the feeling that there''s something holding him back from doing so, which makes you feel anxious, and you want to understand what''s holding him back.

If he comes back with this notion of ''I want it to be perfect and I''m waiting for just the right moment'', I''d tell him how you feel. ''Hey, it''s great that you want it to be perfect, but it''s not really perfect anyway if it takes so long that by the time it comes, I''m feeling frustrated and can''t really enjoy it.'' Perhaps the solution would be to agree that it''ll happen sometime within the next 4-6 months or whatever.....something to help you know that it''s not just some nebulous undefined time frame, but enough of a window to preserve his wanting to make it special and unexpected at a given moment.

He asks me why i can''t just be happy with all the good things in my life and i don''t know how to answer him. Here''s one suggestion: ''Looking to the next stage of my life and wanting my life to progress doesn''t mean I''m not happy with what I have now. It means that I''m eager to continue on the path that my life is on. I know you''re the person I want to spend my life with, and you''ve said I''m the one you want to spend yours with, too. If that''s what we both want, and we''re both ready, then I want us to be moving forward and making that happen. Being content with what you have doesn''t mean not setting goals for what you want next.''

First of all, I totally agree with the post above. Secondly, does this anger stem from the "He''s so mean" thread you started a few weeks ago?

 

[mimzy]

thanks again for all the responses.

deco - i know the anger/level of it is unreasonable...but it doesn''t matter. there''s anger, and then there''s ANGER. this really is on a whole nother level and i know it is unhealthy, etc. I don''t really have anyone to call me on it, so to speak, because i really do keep to myself when i get like this, i really don''t let it out around other people. BF can tell when i''m upset, but i never tell him how angry i am without prefacing it that it''s not his fault. so..i guess you could say i''m calling myself out on it? i''m all for open communication, but i really think it is better that i don''t,ahem, demonstrate just how angry i am. I can tell him, and i have, in a non-relationship damaging way, but i just don''t think he really gets it. which is okay. and you''re right, i know it is a cyclical disorder that will never fully go away...and i''ve accepted that with the depression (is it possible to say it''s not a big deal anymore?), but i was really hoping the anger was a one time deal. (i''m still sort of hopeful it was, because then there really wasn''t anything that i was angry about, as in, no trigger, whereas this time i know what the trigger is).

alj - you''re right about it stemming from feeling powerless, at least that''s been part of the problem in my past as a LIW. I''ve talked with BF many times about this, in a totally calm manner (i really don''t ever raise my voice to him). He''s known (believe me, he''s known)about the anxiety that this whole waiting thing has caused me this whole time. He knows i''d rather have sooner than later regardless of ''the perfect time''. He''s given me a timeframe of about three months. This probably makes me look even more crazy - he''s given you a timeline, what are you worried about?! but that hasn''t seemed to make a difference (i know i will get scolded, but it really only made me madder because it *should* be [in my sick opinion] so much sooner than that. as in, yesterday).

I always let him know when i''m upset or angry about it, but i always preface it with "it''s not your fault, and I''M not actually mad at you, I am just having this feelings right now and i can''t seem to get over it...you''ve done nothing wrong" just to let him know that a little part of sane mimzy is still there and that crazy mimzy hasn''t taken over complete control. I''ve let him know that this isn''t fun and exciting for me, and that it is ruining the whole experience....but he''s not a man easily swayed. he pretty much has told me numerous times to suck it up, that nothing i could say will make it happen any faster. which is a fair answer. and i''ve tried to explain to him that i am just so ready to move on and that i am frusterated that i can''t, but his response is the same.

LAJen - um, i wouldn''t say it stems directly from that, but i think after six or seven months of anticipation and anticlimatic endings i have grown very tired of it and am "over it" to a point. as in, i''m over the butterflies and i''m over the nervousness and i''m over all the good things that are supposed to go along with it. as sad as it sounds, i just want it to be over.

Delster - thanks for the hugs and kind words

bee - you''re totally right about that it''s both of us and he has every right to do it how he wants, which is why i am careful not to make any demands in the midst of getting my feelings across. i do want him to give the proposal he wants too...

pandora - i guess they were proud because they knew how much emotional strength it did to do it. it''s really easy with depression etc to just let yourself be content with it. misery gets to be familiar and comfortable, and it is exceedingly uncomfortable trying to break out of that.not that depression can be cured by sheer effort or willpower, but it does require some in the process. but i know what you''re saying. that''s awesome that you found a med that works so well for you. i am just reluctant to go back on it because there really aren''t meds for BPD, just antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs...which would address the depression i guess, but that''s not what i am really most concerned about. there are tranquilizer drugs, but i draw the line just short of those. i need to give it some more thought.

sorry for constantly posting really long posts/responses. thanks again

 

[Independent Gal]

Sorry to hear things are so tough right now!

I just want to throw a random suggestion out for you, as a possible alternative to medication with only good side effects. This is NOT to suggest that medication isn''t a great alternative for some, just to provide another possibility. I read about a study a couple of years ago, that concluded that a rigorously followed program of cardiovascular exercise had the same level of effect on a group of severely depressed (I think, hospitalized) patients as a regime of drugs did on another group, and both fared WAY better than a placebo taking control group.

A close friend of mine was having serious problems at the time I read the article, and we discussed it. She decided to start the regimen. And then when she went off her medication, she continued to use exercise to keep her mood up.

And personally, I use exercise to manage anger. If I''m seriously p''ed off about something, I go to the gym and work out like a mad woman and it helps SO MUCH. It''s like you''re attacking the machinery. TAKE THAT ELLIPTICAL! AND THAT! AND THAT! RAAAAWR!

So, might be worth a try! Do you exercise regularly? I think it was something like, 30 minutes of serious cardio a day 3-4 times a week... but I can look it up for you if you want. Also, it''s good for you and will make you look even hotter in your wedding dress!

I think feeling physically strong is also emotionally empowering.

Just an idea!

 

[princesss]

Mimzy, your family may have been proud when you went off the medicine (though I''m with Pandora on that), but I''m sure they''d be just as proud that you''re taking your health in your own hands. This sounds like it''s cyclical, and when these feelings happen you may need medication to manage it. There''s no shame in taking control of your well-being.

I wish I had more constructive advice.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/11/2007 5:11:07 PM
Author: mimzy

alj - you''re right about it stemming from feeling powerless, at least that''s been part of the problem in my past as a LIW. I''ve talked with BF many times about this, in a totally calm manner (i really don''t ever raise my voice to him). He''s known (believe me, he''s known)about the anxiety that this whole waiting thing has caused me this whole time. He knows i''d rather have sooner than later regardless of ''the perfect time''. He''s given me a timeframe of about three months. This probably makes me look even more crazy - he''s given you a timeline, what are you worried about?! but that hasn''t seemed to make a difference (i know i will get scolded, but it really only made me madder because it *should* be [in my sick opinion] so much sooner than that. as in, yesterday).

Naaaaaaah. I''m not going to scold you because 1) it wouldn''t do any good, and 2) you shouldn''t be scolded for how you feel. Feeling are what they are, and there isn''t much we can do to control them.

We can rationally understand on the one hand that "well, it''s coming in three months, so I have to live with that", but on the other hand, that doesn''t mean you aren''t still entitled to feel frustrated about it.

The only thing I can suggest is this: make a conscious effort NOT to dwell on it. I know that sounds a bit outlandish and a bit overly simplistic, but you''d be surprised.

I know someone''s who''s undergoing counselling right now for anxiety and OCD, and her therapist told her that she can influence ''retraining'' her brain to focus on things other than the negative. Sounded hokey to me and to her, but amazingly enough, she said it IS working. When she gets anxious, she decides to simply refocus on something else, and it has a way of keeping it from building up like pressure in a pressure cooker.

I''d find some things to help you mitigate anger....i.e. relaxing massage, etc.....things that help you to release the anger a bit.

If part of this feels like a lack of control and ability to plan, then I''d say go ahead and buy the wedding ****. Just because he hasn''t asked doesn''t mean you can''t begin planning and framing what you want. Maybe this would help you feel less powerless because you could be making some progress. You can be looking at flower options, hair styles, etc.....tasks that make you feel like you do have some control over time.

This isn''t likely going to be the only time in life that things don''t run on your timetable, so now is the time to develop some techniques for coping with that feeling of "it''s not happening when I want it to."

It would be a shame to be soooo close to having what you want and letting your frustration ruin it.

 

[Sassee]

My thoughts are with you Mimzy.

As many others have said, please don''t be ashamed if you need to go back on the meds.

My now fiance was diagnosed with depression earlier in the year, and although he doesn''t want to be on his meds forever, they have truely been a wonder, in terms of bringing "my" man back. His enthusiasm for life, his work (and me) have increased ten fold. I know its not manufactured, its just that the little pill that he takes is giving him a helping hand in getting the neuro-chemicals sorted out again so that he can feel a bit more "normal" and balanced in his life.

Hugs to you, but please do go and speak to a medical professional if you feel like its spiralling out of control again.

As for the situation with your boyfriend, I think there has been a lot of useful advice dispensed on this forum already, so I won''t repeat what has already been said. But I must say, that the key is to communicate and really let him know how you are feeling (although it does sound like you''ve been good at doing that in the past)

The best of luck to you.

 

[risingsun]

Mimzy~You sound worried about the severity of your BPD symptoms. A return to counseling would be my suggestion. You don't have to take meds, if they are not helpful to you; but, having someone to talk to seems to be the next step toward healing yourself and your relationship.

 

[mimzy]

sorry this has taken so long - school and clinic have been crazy and, in all honesty, i''m doing my best to keep my mind off of it, and perusing pricescope doesn''t exactly help me do that!

anyways, I have decided that if it continues i will do whatever i have to do get back to a better place, and bf supports that. he actually (sneaky sneaky) found my posts on here and said that he didn''t really realize the extent that it was bothering me, so i guess that was good too. at the very least it prompted another talk which turned out to be good.

overall i am feeling better, but some days, particularly today, are still hard. but the anger has definitely subsided a little, which was the most important part. aljdewey, you mentioned just trying not to dwell on it, and i guess i would say that is my approach at the moment, only in the the most aggressive way imaginable. the second i start to think about it i furiously scramble to think about school and schoolwork, which i think is the only topic strong enough to actually sway my thinking (mind you this happens at least a dozen times in a ten minute span, but i guess it is a start). ultimately i am very sad and frustrated still, and that won''t change, but at this point it is more about surviving this than enjoying it, and it could always be worse.

thanks again for all your kind words and support. you girls are the best!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 10/19/2007 12:53:00 AM
Author: mimzy
sorry this has taken so long - school and clinic have been crazy and, in all honesty, i''m doing my best to keep my mind off of it, and perusing pricescope doesn''t exactly help me do that!

anyways, I have decided that if it continues i will do whatever i have to do get back to a better place, and bf supports that. he actually (sneaky sneaky) found my posts on here and said that he didn''t really realize the extent that it was bothering me, so i guess that was good too. at the very least it prompted another talk which turned out to be good.

overall i am feeling better, but some days, particularly today, are still hard. but the anger has definitely subsided a little, which was the most important part. aljdewey, you mentioned just trying not to dwell on it, and i guess i would say that is my approach at the moment, only in the the most aggressive way imaginable. the second i start to think about it i furiously scramble to think about school and schoolwork, which i think is the only topic strong enough to actually sway my thinking (mind you this happens at least a dozen times in a ten minute span, but i guess it is a start). ultimately i am very sad and frustrated still, and that won''t change, but at this point it is more about surviving this than enjoying it, and it could always be worse.

thanks again for all your kind words and support. you girls are the best!

Thanks for checking in with us. Your BF is very caring and am glad he is so supportive of you. That''s great. I just am sad when I read the last part of your post,

I am very sad and frustrated still, and that won''t change, but at this point it is more about surviving than enjoying it, and it could be worse.

Look it doesn''t have to be this way, sweetie. You have to talk to someone and get the help that you need. I see you in pain, and holding it in. Nothing will change unless you make the change for yourself. Don''t sell yourself short just by surviving, life is more than just surviving, or getting by. Your BF wants you to be the fullest YOU can be, and that can''t happen unless you give yourself the gift of getting help. Not sure what messages about getting help have been thrown at you. There is nothing wrong with seeking help, it''s wrong if you don''t IMHO. You have a great spirit, comes through loud and clear, you are a survivior. So follow through.... You''ll be a happier person for it. HTH, Lisa