Step-parents and invitations

[Independent Gal]

Not sure why this one''s keeping me up at night just YET since we won''t need to send out invites for another few months. But it IS! so any advice would be appreciated.

My mom and step-dad have been married for 27(?) years and I''m very close to my step-dad who is really like a second father to me. He and mom are contributing to the cost of the wedding.

My dad has been married to his latest of several wives for less than a year, and although I like her and everything, she is very far from anything resembling a ''parent figure''. She and my dad keep their finances somewhat separate and so while my DAD is contributing to the cost of the wedding, she is not.

I would feel it was very weird to include her on the invitation, partly because she may as well be a new family friend as far as I''m concerned. It would sort of diminish the decades of loving parenting my step-dad has done to ''elevate'' her to that level. And it''s not her money.

BUT, if I don''t include her name on the invitation, but do include step-dad''s name, won''t that look like a snub? I certainly don''t want her to feel snubbed!

Any suggestions?

 

[Maria D]

How a married couple deals with finances is their own business. And whether they've been married for hours or years, they are a bonafide married couple. I don't think you should try to figure out whether to put 'Mr. John Smith cordially invites' or 'Mr and Mrs. John Smith...' based on your understanding of their money arrangements or the length of their marriage (or the number of wives he's had). If you consider your father to be a host of your wedding, you should simply ask him whether he regards this as hosting solo or hosting with his wife. In other words, ask him if he wants her name on the invitation. Just my opinion!

 

[Independent Gal]

Maria, that sounds like a sensible approach in terms of managing their feelings and not offending anyone. It just feels super weird to have this relative stranger invite people to my wedding.

Hey! Brainwave. What if we just wrote "Indy Gal and FI, together with Indy's parents" or something. Then we wouldn't have to use names at all.

 

[zoebartlett]

One of my friend''s parents are divorced and her dad has been remarried for a number of years. This is how my friend and her husband worded their invitations:


Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith

and Ms. Anne Jones (my friend''s mom went back to her maiden name)

request the honor of your presence

at the marriage of

Katie Smith

to John Doe

on Saturday, .............


It could have been more complicated because both my friend''s parents AND her husband''s parents are divorced. Her dad is remarried, as is his dad. This wording made it less complicated for them. I''ve also seen it written as "Mr. Joe Smith and Ms. Anne Jones request..." I''m not sure the step parent''s name(s) have to be included...unless you''d like to honor the parental role they''ve had in your life. Does this make sense?


We''re most likely going to use:

Together with their parents,

ZoeBartlett

and

Fiance

request the honor of your presence (or similar wording)...


Neither of our parents are divorced but since we''re a little older (33 and 35), we decided not to have it "hosted" by my parents specifically. We''re all contributing in some way to the wedding.

 

[Independent Gal]

I like the ''Together with their parents" idea. I''d really hate to leave off step-dad''s name if I was naming ANY names. He really is like a father to me and he''s helping host. He''d totally understand, but it wouldn''t feel right to me.

Now, the only thing is that FI''s parents aren''t contributing a single penny. Not even a rehearsal dinner so far as we know. But that doesn''t matter right? They raised him! That''s contribution enough.

 

[diamondfan]

Look, I totally understand where you are coming from, but yet, in the long run, is it that bothersome to you? YOU know she is not paying, but no one else will or should, and she is his wife, even if it is not a lengthy marriage yet. I think, since you like her, it would just make things simple for everyone. You would be taking the high road for sure. I might even put "son of" for hubby too, so it would look something like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith

together with (or and)

Mr. and Mrs. Fred Jones

to the marriage of

their daughter

Indy Gal

to

soon to be Indy Guy

son of

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe

etc...(this just makes it tough in saying whose child you are, when I got married since my father is not living we did:

Mr. and Mrs. So and So

request the pleasure of your company at the marriage

of her daughter Caroline (maiden name)

so that they could see my mom was now remarried and that I was her daughter because he came into my life when I was 22 years old and so he had not raised me and I wanted some due paid to my father''s memory.

I just feel that since you like her and they are married, forget about finances and just make it work for everyone if you can.

 

[Independent Gal]

You're probably right, DF! I should do that, or the "Together with their parents" thing, but not just leave her off.

When I think about this carefully (I mean, why I even care), I think I'm acting out an immature response to the fact that I sometimes feel like my dad has made a mockery of marriage and weddings. So I'm sort of mentally taking it out on new step-mom's place on the invitation, because in a way she represents that to me (my dad is her 4th husband, so she's a serial marry-er too). Putting her on the invitation feels kind of like validating infidelity and not taking marriage seriously, etc.

But of course that's not what it ACTUALLY means. I'm just projecting that onto it.

And onto other bits of planning angst. Lots of relatives I love won't be coming because they only just MADE the long journey for a wedding last fall when my dad got hitched... again. And my dad really has used all the good venues in town. He even had the band I would have wanted for the last one. I think if it were my sister or a cousin or friend it would be different. But it's almost like I feel like my dad didn't "deserve" yet another big wedding, so resent it overshadowing mine. I know that's childish. I do!

Plus, he keeps saying things like "Why don't you just get a regular white evening dress like New Step-mom did? Why spend money on a wedding dress?" "Why do you need nice invitations? Ours were fine!" Uhhhh... because it was her FOURTH wedding, and your Lordy-knows-how-many and it's my first and intend it to be my ONLY!" And New Step-Mom keeps talking to me about divorce as though it's inevitable, like FI is my "starter husband".

So I guess having her on the invite has become a sort of focal point for my upset-ness around this issue.

All the more reason to be grown up and just not worry about it!

I will take a deep breath and grow up!

 

[diamondfan]

IG, I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. I mean, with how many marriages between them it sure does not seem like they value the institution much. BUT, you can let that go for the sake of things, because while YOU know the truth, it is still better to take the high road, unless you despised her or she broke up your parent''s marriage. No one else has to know, in terms of financial stuff, what the real deal is.

As for the other stuff, well, THAT would annoy me. WHO CARES about what someone else had or wanted, this is about YOU. If I were feeling particularly bitchy I might say, Dad, maybe when I have been married MULTIPLE times I might not worry so much about the gown and the invites, but this is IT for me and I want it to be my dream wedding. That would likely stop him, but it is not the nicest thing to say, I will admit!

 

[neatfreak]

We had a situation where my parents were contributing, and BOTH of FI''s parents were contributing even though they are divorced. There is also a long time step father who my FI doesn''t consider a father figure, but DOES consider a part of the family.

So we just did

"Together with their parents" Neatfreak and FI wish to cordially invite you...


All the parents were happy with that and we didn''t include or exclude anyone specifically.