Stepmom weirdness

[Independent Gal]

So, so far being home is great and I''m glad we''ll have nearly all the major parts of the planning squared away within the next week or so. (Hey! 6 weeks engaged with wedding planned and ready to go!)

BUT, my dad''s latest wife is being very weird and snarky. She''s always been nice to me before, but she just can''t stop snapping and practically rolling her eyes at me. I wish I knew what was wrong.

Am I talking about the wedding too much? I dunno. It''s usually my dad that''s bringing it up. Hmmmm...

She also keeps saying something just a shade less explicit than "Have you thought about X for when you get divorced..." and "Well, you know marriages often don''t work out." OK, she''s on number 4, but that doesn''t mean that MY marriage will fail, and it''s kind of getting me down.

SIGH.

Maybe it''s just that the "honeymoon period" where she tries to get her hubby''s kids to like her is over. I suppose I''ve seen that with dad''s previous wives. And it must be tough to have someone else''s kids staying at your place.

I guess I''ll just try to stay out of the way.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Why don''t you talk to her about it? Maybe things are not going well with your dad. It sounds like her comments are about HER issues NOT yours! Just remember that. She might just need someone to talk to.

 

[monarch64]

Yeesh, I have no idea what it''s like to deal with a person who''s so negative but all I can say is to be cordial and polite to her and let her comments roll off your back. No sense taking anything she says to heart, as she sounds like a person who is pretty bitter and negative about what should be a happy and positive time in your (her stepdaughter''s and husband''s daughter''s) life. Hope the situation improves, IG!

 

[diamondfan]

I am not sure what it is. Could be her own issues, since being a 4th wife might bring with it some angst. Or she might be, as you say, no longer concerned with what you think of her.

I might try to divine it. I would nicely pull her aside and basically say something like, X, we have always gotten along nicely. Lately I have noticed a change in your attitude (behavior, whatever you wish to use) and I do not want my excitement about my upcoming wedding to cause me to gloss over your feelings. Would you tell me what is going on so we can deal with and move on?

She might be passive aggressive and not admit to anything, but at least you have A: tried to address it and B: put her on notice that she is not behaving in a pleasant manner. Then, if she cops to nothing, ignore her, and spend as little time with her as you can.

I tend to think of things I might say if I were feeling snarky but I would need to be really backed into a corner to say them...

such as, I know being 4th choice is tough, X, but I am not going to get divorced. Please stop allowing your personal demons affect how you act and cause you to rain on my happiness.

Of course, it would take a lot for me to say something like that and I would have to be pretty angry, but in my head it would work!!!

 

[door knob solitaire]

She is lashing out about something...maybe she is not the center of your dads world right now...maybe she didn''t have a wedding...or if your father is provided funds she could be fummed over that...or maybe your gift was more than she thought should be spent and she is lacking in something because of it. Your father could be constantly talking about his daughter...baby girl... little girl....she is not liking something.

Be as patient as you can...and just let it roll off your back. She is hurting for some reason.

DKS

 

[Independent Gal]

Ladies, thank you for your excellent suggestions!

To be clear, my dad is HER 4th HUSBAND. She's just as bad as he is with the 'trade-ins'

. She has had FOUR big blowout weddings and worn a big white dress every time. She always marries very financially comfortable men and takes a nice chunk with her when she leaves, plus, she has recently started a successful small business and is making $$$ of her own too, so I doubt she's too worried about wedding $$.

But the attention issue could be on to something. She has two daughters, and she now keeps saying how one of them, who lives abroad, is sure to marry her boyfriend any day now (they're 20) as though it's a competition.

Also, they are about to set off on a planning intensive vacation and her business will have to be left behind for several weeks. So, I think she's stressed about everything that has not got done, etc. And while in her stressed state, I think maybe she has interpreted some of my wedding related comments as a criticism of HER most recent wedding (to my dad). Their wedding was fun, but extremely traumatic for some of my siblings, and she keeps suggesting I IMMITATE what they did. Uh-uh! But when I say "Well, I would rather have my wedding be unique." she hears "Your wedding was LOUSY."

I also wonder if we're engaging in this dynamic:

Many time divorced stepmom says: "Be careful since you'll probably end up divorced!"
I SAY something like: "I think we're actually going to do OK. We feel prepared, we're older, we've talked stuff through, we communicate wonderfully, and we know when to ask for help."
But Stepmom only hears: "I'm not going to be a many times divorced LOSER like YOU were." So she keeps emphasizing that I'm being naive, to make the point that it could happen to anyone, and isn't a personal failing of hers.

Anyway, my plan of action now is to a) make a point of emphasizing the things I loved about their wedding b) ask if I can help in any way with their vacation prep and c) make a point of asking a lot about her daughters.

We'll see how that goes.

 

[eks6426]

Is your dad paying for some of the wedding? Could the step-mom be resentful of the money that your dad will be spending on your wedding? maybe it cuts into some of her vacation/clothing/fun money budget???

 

[Independent Gal]

My Dad is indeed helping to pay for the wedding. So, that would be a good hypothesis, Island, except that step-mom is LOADED (all those rich ex-husbands) and makes a nice living off her business in her own right. She's not a huge spender, and they keep their money pretty separate too, so I doubt she feels she's missing out on anything. My dad is only contributing money that is specifically "his".

Plus, in the scheme of things, my dad's not coughing up all THAT much. My mom and her husband, as well as FI and I are all contributing, and while we'll have a lovely party with good food, it will only be for about 80-100 people, and I'm a such a "bargain seeker" that we'll end up spending less than the "average" for the wedding.

I don't think anyone is going to miss out on anything because of this wedding! Except possibly my youngest brother might not get new skis this year. But he got new skis last year, so I don't feel too terrible.

 

[diamondfan]

I agree that she might be hearing that. But, I still think it is funky to be nasty to you when you are excited. It could just be about attention or money going to you, some people really cannot handle that at all. Honestly, no one knows what the future holds, no one. I am sure very few people get married planning to divorce. You are older, and you have a strong relationship. Hopefully you will always be together, and even if, worst case, something went wrong, her comments to you now add nothing to things. If she is the type who trades up and is a serial marriage addict, that is not you, nor is it the norm in mho. How many times has your father been married? Again, you can speculate all you want, and you can even try to talk to her. She might deny feeling any negative feelings, she may not really even understand them herself or realize her actions. It is not likely to me that she will hear you and think, hey, yes, she is correct, I am doing this and it is not right so I will stop it now. I think that it is best to spend as little time with her as you can, and hopefully she will come out of funk she is in. If she does not, then just accept it as her issue, and minimize the impact on you as best as you can. Does your dad see it and or agree she is doing this?

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 8/3/2007 1:14:20 AM
Author: diamondfan
I am not sure what it is. Could be her own issues, since being a 4th wife might bring with it some angst. Or she might be, as you say, no longer concerned with what you think of her.

I might try to divine it. I would nicely pull her aside and basically say something like, X, we have always gotten along nicely. Lately I have noticed a change in your attitude (behavior, whatever you wish to use) and I do not want my excitement about my upcoming wedding to cause me to gloss over your feelings. Would you tell me what is going on so we can deal with and move on?

She might be passive aggressive and not admit to anything, but at least you have A: tried to address it and B: put her on notice that she is not behaving in a pleasant manner. Then, if she cops to nothing, ignore her, and spend as little time with her as you can.

I tend to think of things I might say if I were feeling snarky but I would need to be really backed into a corner to say them...

such as, I know being 4th choice is tough, X, but I am not going to get divorced. Please stop allowing your personal demons affect how you act and cause you to rain on my happiness.

Of course, it would take a lot for me to say something like that and I would have to be pretty angry, but in my head it would work!!!

df, you always have such sound advice and such a great way with words! I think you gave Indy a perfect way to approach her stepmother in a way that is non-threatening while still getting her point across.

I think I''m going to have to post a few of my dilemmas I need assistance with on here so you can help me find the right way to word what I need to get across! Unfortunately, the list of needs is adding up quickly!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks DF! I am just going to stay out of her way. They are leaving on Sunday, so not too long. And yeah, my dad did comment that she was unusually stressed out.

To be clear: I don''t ACTUALLY think she''s a loser at all. I''m just worried that''s what she''s HEARING. She''s actually a pretty darn cool lady. We just don''t have the same views about marriage and what it means.

When I was with my ex and thinking about splitting up instead of getting engaged because we had very little resembling intimacy even though we got along great (OH what a bullet I dodged there! it also turned out he had alcohol and gambling issues which the stress of deciding not to get engaged brought out) she said, I kid you not:

"Well, he''s rich, and you can always divorce him if things don''t work out. He''s what''s available, so why not settle for that right now! You want kids. It''s getting late for that. So, just marry him, have some kids, and go on with your life.You can always get out later. That''s what I did and I''m so glad!"

WHAAAA?!?!??? OK for her I guess, but that''s just not something I would ever EVER do.

I know there''s a chance things could not work out between FI and I. But I do feel that we''re as well equipped as a couple CAN be and I''m actually committed to trying with every last ounce I''ve got to make it work when the going gets rough. I will NOT marry someone thinking "Well, if it doesn''t work out, whatever!!!!"

 

[Pandora II]

Sounds like plain old jealousy to me!

Your comments about her saying her daughter will be married soon are exactly what my aunt said to my mother. (She then worked on her son to propose, including lending him the $$ for the ring (he''s unemployed right now) and they set the wedding 4 weeks before mine

)

She just doesn''t like your dad''s attention not being on her. Also a reminder that you dad has a past and other kids. Doesn''t matter that she does too - jealosy doesn''t work that way.

Ignore her comments about divorce. I would be very interested to see the statistics for PS members in 20 years time. I have a sneaking suspicion that our divorce rate will be way below average - we all seem to think things through before we jump and know how to work on things in our relationship.

 

[diamondfan]

Thanks Harleigh! I guess a masters in counseling does make a tiny difference, though god forbid I apply it to my own stuff!!! (that would be too easy). Feel free to post away, I am always happy to weigh in and of course though I am not always right or even in the ball park, I do try, though certainly my own view and past experiences affect my advice. I always think of good comebacks in my head, but as I am not usually confrontational, I tend to think of them too late, and likely would not ever say them, since at heart I am really not a mean person at all. I try to see the other person''s side, but hey, I am also only human, and crappy treatment is crappy treatment and no one should have to put up with that. That said, honestly, that type of person tends to not really care how they impact others. I know my mother in law has been told, by many people many times, how nasty she is. She does not agree nor does she care, so it is business as usual. Why would you change what you do not view is a problem, or fix what you do not deem broken?

I think, Indy, that you just know that she has her perspective and you have yours. If someone told me to marry someone when clearly it was not the best idea and told me he was rich and so I should just do it, and have kids as the clock was ticking, and divorce was a good out...well, I would not really put much stock in their views on the subject. Of course divorce is an option, but again, most people I know who got married and ended up divorced did not plan or think about that being what happened to them. And jealousy can rear its ugly little head in many places, and if she feels your dad''s attention going your way or issues about her daughter are coming to the forefront in her mind, well, just know again, this really very likely has nothing to do with you at all. Time will tell, but know that she is coming at things with a slant based on her life and dealings, and you are a totally different gal, so maybe in your head agree to disagree and consider the source! I trust you will handle things beautifully.