Stressed Out and Frustrated

[Mashira]

Ladies, I'm losing my mind. This post might be a little all over the place, but I'm just going to get it all out.

It's 1AM and I can't sleep for the life of me. The wedding is a little over seven months away. I can't get my bridesmaids to be interested in anything. One of my bridesmaids is getting married in May, so I understand that she is busy (and she has been the most helpful of the three). The other lives 2 hours away. The third (and MOH) has been disappointingly absent in my life lately.

To top it off, I'll be starting my first job, night shift work as an RN, in two weeks... which will make it even more difficult to get them together. I don't want them to be brimming with joy, I don't want them to squeal when I talk wedding stuff, I don't want help with DIY stuff. I just want a little bit of interest. Just a little smile, something that tells me they're happy that I'm getting married. Anything. At this point I'm struggling just to get them together to pick a bridesmaid dress.

Background: MOH and I went through all of nursing school together. We both graduated in Dec, took our NCLEX in Jan, and applied to work the night shift at the same hospital that we both love. We both had interviews, and were accepted. I personally have never had a 'real' job before this, so it's all new to me (HR/Insurance/ect..)

A few weeks ago I went and picked my dress. I took mom and MOH with me. Half way through the appointment MOH has to go outside. No problem. I keep trying on dresses. About thirty minutes later, I go out to see what happened to her. She's outside, looking infuriated. She tells me that she has to go home. The hospitals HR dept. called and said that they couldn't place her, and to reapply in six months if she was still interested. (At the time it did not occur to me that if she was already hired, why did she get this call?!). I freaked. I felt horrible for her. I stopped trying on dresses, dropped everything, and went home with her (we had all driven together). She was angry in the car, and frustrated, and I was scared because I had not taken my phone with me and was wondering if I would go home to find the same message on my phone.

Well, she leaves to go home and my mom and I sit and talk about what happened. I did not receive a call saying anything of the sort. I told my mom what happened and she said that it seemed highly unlikely that HR would call and say such a thing after she had already been hired. We chalked it up to something being strange, and didn't think anything of it. My mom and I returned to dress shopping, and found my dress.

About a week later, I text her to see how she is doing. She says she is doing fine, she called the nurse manager, and that HR made some 'mistake' and the manager said that HR 'were being assess'. She was back on track for her job, and everything was okay. Now maybe it's just me.... but it just seemed fishy. She is not a 'girlie' person. She tends to be a flake. She is introverted and pessimistic while I am extroverted and an optimist though sometimes cynical. We get along, but she is NOT into the wedding stuff. I have seen her skip out and make excuses time and again. I don't think I considered it when it was happening, because I didn't think she would do it to me, and not for such a special occasion, and if she really didn't want to come she could have honestly said so... she herself asked to be part of the dress picking process.... but the only explanation I can come up with is that she lied about the phone call to leave the dress shopping. The HR story is just too shaky.... It doesn't make any sense to me. Why would HR do that? I don't think they even have the right to do that...

Well since then, we haven't talked much at all. We'll text every now and then, and we talk about the things we need to get done for the job (pre-screen drug test, physical ect..) but nothing about the wedding. She didn't even ask if I found the dress. I asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday and she didn't respond for two days. She just got back to me and said that she wanted to go to a local German restaurant and the only reason she invited my fiance is so that he can drive, and she can drink. She's a bit of a drinker. Don't get me wrong, I love to throw back a few and get buzzed every once in a while, but she's just a little nuts about it... still in that 'phase'.

I still don't know if she was lying about HR. I don't know why she would do that. But I do know that it would not be a stretch if she did do it. I guess I just thought it would be different for me, for my wedding, because she showed interest, because I didn't even ask her to come, she (supposedly) wanted to. I don't want to ask her. I honestly think she would lie, so I don't see the point. Like I said, she's always been a bit shady and moody/flakey. But she is so amazing when she's not acting this way. It just really sucks, and makes me want to cry.

I've been fighting with my mom about guest count. (She is taking up almost 30% of the list, her and her family, whom I haven't talked to in ages, and don't really care if they're there or not). She has 20 brothers and sisters and so it's hard to say you can only invite some of them and not others, but I have a budget and reception hall to meet. The room wont hold more than 60.

I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to, or rely on, or go to for comfort, or to share my joy with. I didn't think it would be like this. I'm just so sad. I've been meaning to write a post like this for a while, but I would cheer myself up and say it was no big deal and it didn't bother me. Well.... it worked for a while, but now I'm at a point where I can't do that anymore. I can't keep taking everyone's crappy attitude and saying it doesn't phase me. It does. I feel sad, and angry, and friendless. It's hard.

ETA: Just realized how long this is... sorry... didn't realize I had that much pent up...

 

[Bleed Burnt Orange]

Mashira, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so upset during what should be a joyous time. Don't let this stuff stress you out though. You have your fiance and when all is said and done, marrying him is all that matters.

If your friend is close enough to be your Maid of Honour, you should ask her if she would still really like to be your maid of honour. You said that your reception hall holds 60 people? Maybe you don't really need a MOH and bridesmaids? I don't know...I just don't want you to sweat OTHER people's reaction to you. It's your and your fiance's day. You should make sure that what you want for that day is done. If others aren't happy, maybe they shouldn't share the occasion with you, with such a special role.

Cheer up, my fellow bride to be. It will all work out.

 

[nkarma]

Hi Mashira,

I think you need to give your friend the benefit of the doubt about HR calling her. You do state this is your first job so should probably not presume that what she is saying is lie unless there is other info that you aren't stating. Does she normally make stuff like this up? If my friend made up a story that big and then also pretended to be that upset, I would seriously question her mental health. I have known people that have had offers withdrawn mostly because of this economy. Also, my sister is an RN who graduated a year before you and went through some drama with the hiring dept at the hospital she works at, also because of the economy. I think you both need to work on your friendship first. Why did you not call her for a week when she was told she lost her job? She may be hurt by that and you by the fact that she isn't asking you about your dress, etc...

Also you state your friend isn't that girlie....well, then it isn't too surprising that she doesn't want to be too involved. There are the girls that browse bride magazines and watch the tv shows for fun and there are others that don't even know they exist. You can maybe talk to your bridesmaids who are your best friends and state it is important to you that they are involved. Communication is key and if they are your true friends, they will go a little of their comfort zone for you.

Otherwise, yeah focus on the fact you are getting married to the man of your dreams. And if you have friends or family that are the type to totally get excited about wedding stuff involve them as much as you can and hopefully you will feel better about connecting with friends over wedding details.

 

[amc80]

She tends to be a flake.
She is introverted and pessimistic while I am extroverted and an optimist though sometimes cynical.
We get along...
Don't get me wrong, I love to throw back a few and get buzzed every once in a while, but she's just a little nuts about it... still in that 'phase'.
But I do know that it would not be a stretch if she did do it.
Like I said, she's always been a bit shady and moody/flakey.

Sorry, but what did you pick her to be your MOH? Someone you only "get along" with?

 

[ForteKitty]

If i thought i lost my (very fisrt) job, and my best friend didn't bother calling for a week, i'd be pretty hurt. Probably enough to question what kind of person this is, and question whether they need to be in my life. But then again, i'm always pretty considerate, and it doesn't seem like she may be.

 

[TooPatient]

I'm sorry your friend is being difficult. Personally, I find her story a bit off (offer, offer taken back, offer given again??) but would give her the benefit of the doubt and just put it off to a miscommunication somewhere.

Does she have a guy in her life? Is it possible that she's a bit depressed/jealous/confused seeing you go through this? (like mabe she is wishing she had a guy or that her guy would propose or maybe she thought she'd never want a "real" wedding and is now thinking she might someday or..........)


Guest list is tough.TWENTY brothers and sisters
Is there an obvious grouping of those your mom sees & stays in touch with and those who come around once every decade? If so, would she be willing to invite those she sees regularly and not the rest?
So.... does she also insist on having the spouses of her 20 siblings there too??
Sit down and talk with her. Show her the contract with your venue. Show her the price per head. Show her what would happen if you went over the venue's number.


And....
Most importantly -- give your wonderful FI a hug and remember that at the end of all this you'll be married.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I remember someone once saying in this BWW sub forum something that has always stuck with me because it's universally true for every bride and can go really far when putting a bride in a healthy mind space when it comes to her wedding...
Your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you

Now, that might sound cold considering you came here for back pats, soothing words and hugs...but, I think it's something that you need to realize in order to get a better grasp on why everyone is seeming "distant" or removed from your personal joy. I'm a believer that most you can ever expect of a BM is that they will show up on the day of the wedding...if you get more, you're lucky. BM's all have lives, obligations and worries outside of a brides big day. I don't understand why you would doubt your friend if she said that she might not have a job, regardless of everything else you believe to be true about her, I doubt she hated shopping for your wedding so much that she would lie about something that serious. Further more, I think understanding is a huge thing that needs to be practiced here...if her job was on the line she is entitled to a "HS moment"...a job is the foundation to ones life and to think that that may be taken away is terrifying.

I hope you find resolution to this problem. What that is? I don't know. Maybe 86 the idea of bridesmaids all together.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I had this issue with my BM's. Two of them were a problem, I remained friends with one and I am not friends with the other. I would find out if there is an issue. Is it budget? Is you wedding bringing up any feelings she might have about her relationship.

I would call her and ask her if she is ready to look at dresses and gage her response. If she hesitates, ask her if something is bothering her.

For my BM's I had to put a firm deadline on them for the dresses and I told them I would pick one if they did not make the time to try them on and give their imput. That was pretty effective . It also allowed me to confront the drama and get it over with.

As for your mother, did you talk to her about the venue before booking it? Who is hosting the wedding? If she is hosting you many have an issue. If she is not, you are going to have to sit her down and have a heart to heart. Perhaps your FI can help you, he might help her put in prospective that she is cutting into his family's guest list.

I agree with Italia, no one cares about your wedding more than you. I know it is hard, but try to keep that prospective and you will have more success with your planning. But as someone who had several angry sleepless nights, I feel for you and am sorry you are having to go through this.

 

[rosetta]

I remember someone once saying in this BWW sub forum something that has always stuck with me because it's universally true for every bride and can go really far when putting a bride in a healthy mind space when it comes to her wedding...
Your wedding will never be as important to anyone else as it is to you

Now, that might sound cold considering you came here for back pats, soothing words and hugs...but, I think it's something that you need to realize in order to get a better grasp on why everyone is seeming "distant" or removed from your personal joy. I'm a believer that most you can ever expect of a BM is that they will show up on the day of the wedding...if you get more, you're lucky. BM's all have lives, obligations and worries outside of a brides big day. I don't understand why you would doubt your friend if she said that she might not have a job, regardless of everything else you believe to be true about her, I doubt she hated shopping for your wedding so much that she would lie about something that serious. Further more, I think understanding is a huge thing that needs to be practiced here...if her job was on the line she is entitled to a "HS moment"...a job is the foundation to ones life and to think that that may be taken away is terrifying.

I hope you find resolution to this problem. What that is? I don't know. Maybe 86 the idea of bridesmaids all together.

I believe I spewed that bit of sage advice here, italia:

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/wishing-id-eloped.149784/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/wishing-id-eloped.149784/[/URL]

I'm sure i'm not the first to say it, and throughout my wedding planning, it has remained steadfastly true.

Mashira,

No one else cares cares about your wedding as much as you. Not even near as much. I learnt this the hard way myself.

For a while, i did think that because they didn't care about my wedding, it meant they didn't care about me that much either.

This is not true. It's not true in your case either.

However, other people will give you time and attention, as long as they don't have other priorities to attend to. This means that they may not be there for you when you need them. To you and your fiance, it's a life-changing experience. To them, it's just another day, albeit with a big ole party. It just doesn't mean as much, and it never will.

I have a plan that I use to keep my sanity:

1. I plan everything myself and rely on no one ask

2. If I want something done, I give them specific instructions and make sure they do it

3. I told my parents they cannot invite whoever they want to my wedding, even if they are paying for a huge chunk of it. They got angry and threatened not to come to the wedding. I said fine. They changed their mind and relented. This was a high-stake game of chicken but I'm more stubborn than they are. I think you need to get more assertive with your mother, and just say no.

4. I forgot that this was a wedding, and started treating it like a big event. I realised I needed to work out the logistics of this day, the emotion would take care of itself (honest, you don't have to plan this bit). I wrote down everything I needed to do and started to tackle it.

5. I stopped thinking about planning being a wonderful, sugarcoated, hollywood dream, like in the movies. It's actually a lot of work. There is a lot of contract signing, negotiating and spending $$$. Sure, some of it is fun (cake tasting, anyone?) but not all of it is. Some of it is just tedious.

What I'm driving at is that you rely more on yourself than anyone else, and try not to take it personally when others let you down. They will, because it's just not as important to them as it is to you.

But us brides-to-be sure understand your pain! So you can vent here any time....

 

[Mashira]

Thank you ladies!

Actually, at the end of my post where I said that I had been comforting myself and saying it wasn't a big deal, that is EXACTLY what I told myself! I also read that post about, "No one cares about your wedding as much as you do.". I guess I just wish they would care a little?

ForteKitty, for not calling my MOH for a week... I think it makes total sense that yall are confused about it. I think you just have to know my MOH. She won't answer her phone. She doesn't talk on the phone unless it's necessary. When I say introverted... I mean introverted. When something goes wrong for her, she wants to be left alone, and I know that, so I respected it. That's why, I really don't think she is upset about my not contacting her before that. I think it's the difference between the girl that likes to watch bridal shows with no boyfriend, and the girl that plays video games and doesn't know what a bridal show is. She is not into the female bonding. She's a very independent, no nonsense, I don't want to watch a chick-flick kinda gal.
MOH does not have a man in her life, but I do think someone hit a nerve with budget. FI is making a bit of money. I don't, and never did, as I haven't been working until now. I think she sees me spending on wedding things and possibly resents that. I'm not sure. Both FI and Mom have said they think she may have a little jealousy going on.

My mother isn't contributing to the wedding, nor is his family. It's all on us. I do need to talk with her, but it seems impossible. She is on the phone every other day telling someone I'm getting married, and then they expect to be invited. I've already told her to stop. She doesn't. What I'm intending on doing is telling her how many people she is allowed to invite, and telling here that if I don't have an RSVP from someone, they are not going to be allowed in the venue. Period. They can have fun watching it from the outside, because there's nowhere to sit inside.

Thank you for the help ladies, and thank you for letting me know about HR, because I didn't know what to think about it but it's making more sense now.

ETA: I'm going to do exactly that! I'm going to pick a date that works for all of them for the bridesmaid dress, and if they can't be there I'll give them the style number and tell them to figure out their size and order it. If they want to have input, they have to be willing to put a little time in.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

If your mother is not hosting, she needs to respect the limits. I think you need to sit her down and as you said, give her a firm number. Keep the argument on budget and space limitations not on the people themselves. That is what my husband did with my MIL after the venue was booked. His famous phrase was "Mother, it is not in the budget." If he was in your situation he would say "It is not in the budget and we have a fire code to respect or else they will kick us all out." It really may be helpful to have some sort of neutral 3rd party there to help things out. Some parents have trouble with the fact that their children are grown and still insist on calling all the shots even if they are not logical. Another person may help put things back in prospective for her.

 

[nkarma]

I love the way you are standing up to your mom especially since you are paying for it.

As for the MOH issue, I feel like you are saying "I bought a red car, but now I am upset that it isn't blue."

 

[zipzapgirl]

Sorry you're having a hard time right now! If it makes you feel better, I think everyone has some sort of freak out about 6 months before the wedding when so many things have to get done and so many demands are being made from all directions.

The thing that I used to read on this board all the time when I was planning my wedding was the (very good) piece of advice:

No one cares about your wedding as much as you do.

To be honest, I think most people are floating through their own lives with their own everyday cares and don't really think about the wedding until they get the invitation in the mail or go to the shower, etc. I wouldn't take it too hard that the bridesmaids aren't excited--people really don't realize how much planning, stress and money goes into a wedding until they start planning one themselves--and seven months seems like a long time to someone who isn't in the thick of things.

I reread your post and it seems like you are sending conflicting signals to the MOH. On the one hand you said that you would be fine if she didn't want to go and on the other hand you really want her involved and excited. So she probably does feel some pressure whether you meant to pressure her or not. It seems like she thought the wedding dress shopping would be fun, or that she should do it, and agreed to go, but then either freaked out about it midway through or had some other personal issue come up that she didn't want to tell you about. Either way, I wouldn't take it personally.

My learened lesson from wedding planning is that someone will freak out about the wedding--and usually it will be someone close to you that you least expect. Wedding really bring out the deepest desires and fears in people and they smack you in the face, sometimes without warning. Single people and people in unhappy relationships sometimes turn snarky to get through, but sometimes it might even be an aunt or a parent who starts thinking about their age or their lost opportunities. There are just so many deep-seeded issues that can come to the fore that will surprise you. The annoying thing is that everyone thinks the wedding is about them and their swirl of feelings, when in the truth it is about two people joining their lives together.

If this turns out to be your MOH, then those are her issues to work out. It may also be that the wedding planning is highlighting your different life paths at this point. I think your best bet is to try to retrench the friendship in things you both enjoy and share (like your new jobs) and steer clear of talking so much about the wedding and couple-y things.

Good luck and hang in there! It will get better in a few days.

ETA: Ha, I left this post half-typed all afternoon and came back to see that I repeated the sage line of everyone above!

 

[Mashira]

Nkarma, I think you are right. I know she is a red car. I would like for her to be blue. But she's not. I think this is why I did not invite her to the dress shopping. I figured, red car is a red car. However, when she invited herself and said she wanted to come, I thought there was a glimmer of blue coming out. Regardless, I should not expect her to turn blue for me, and so I'll have to deal with it as it comes. As Zipzapgirl said, I'll just focus on our friendship and keep most of the 'wedding-y couple-y' stuff out. My Matron of Honor (that is currently planning her wedding) is amazing, and she be able to take care of most of the 'stuff' ie shower, bachelorette. She's been a Godsend and I think it's because she and I are in the same place, and she knows exactly what I'm going through as she is dealing with it as well.

As for momma... we'll get that sorted out one way or another. My mother and I are no strangers to fighting. I can't tell her it's just budget because she will offer to pitch in to have the people she wants there. I'm not okay with this because she would 'pitch in' from her credit card and I don't want that. Also, I don't want people I don't know or haven't seen in 3-5+ years at my wedding.

Again, thank you ladies!!