stressed!!

[cocolaw]

This might be long...

My boyfriend''s father works in one city and then he returns to the city where they consider home for the weekends. My bf and i happened to take jobs in the city where his father works and so we have been living with him in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment since april. The plan was never to live with him--it was to stay for a few months to get settled and then to look for our own place. Sidenote***I have not lived with parents in 8 years..this is hard.

The problem has several levels: The first is that our room is tiny (the father has the big room, which I get..he pays for it!) -but we have so many storage/organizing things in the room, clothes, etc that it is normally really hard to even walk around.

We have to commute to work, and by the time we get home at night it is around 8. I cook dinner for the 3 of us every night (and you may ask..why dont you eat in the city after work? Im getting to this) and then we have to sit at the table for 45 minutes. By the time that is over, I have maybe an hour to sit down before I return to our cluttered bedroom to go to sleep. Sometimes I just want to sit on the couch and have cereal for dinner-other times I just want to take a bath as soon as I get in.

His father wants us to eat dinner with him every night when he is in town--he gets his feelings hurt when we have other plans.
I have a very very stressful job and this is just adding to the stress.

i will be concluding this when i get to work

 

[cocolaw]

its just very very frusterating. We are expected to sit in the den with his father every night after dinner (even though we have a tv in our bedroom), so the only time I can talk to my bf is on the weekends when the father is gone. I don''t have any privacy..his mother came up to visit...while we were at work, she did all of my laundry and organized our bedroom (this might sound great, but I consider underwear a private thing)! The next time she came, the bf told her that the bedroom was off limits, but she still went in there and moved stuff around and cleaned. I want to come home from work and relax in my house, with my boyfriend, eat on our schedule, start OUR lives together.

The original plan has been cast out the window...now the plan is to find a place when we get married (October) because bf says it will hurt his father''s feelings if we move out before that..he has really enjoyed getting to live with us. I just don''t know how much longer I can live in this arrangement...Between work and home I''m going crazy!

I really do love his father-he is a great person and I enjoy his company...just not THIS much.

Sorry...needed to vent. How how how can I get us to move out faster? And it''s not about money-I already checked on that.

 

[megster84]

Well I have never been in a situation like yours before, but I have some friends who have and here is what they did:
My girlfriends made the point that is makes more sense to start looking well in advance of the wedding for their own space for the following reasons:
-do you really want to worry about wedding details and moving into a new place at the same time? the stress of only one of these can put someone over the edge, but both concurrently, you can just say hello to crazytown!
-once you have registered for gifts and around the time of the bridal shower a few months out from the wedding, people will want to know where to ship things (at least I like to do this, it makes it easier on the bride not having to lug the gigantic box of plates from one house to another) so it makes perfect sense to already be in the place you will be setting up these new things
-speaking of registering, wouldn''t it be nice to be in your own place so you can determine what you actually need? sometimes you forgot what is necessary to set up house if you aren''t living in your own

It is a super tough conversation to have, but if you are going to be super stressed out about it, I would def try to put together a rational argument as to why you think it is best to have a place for just you 2 well before the big day....good luck, and keep us posted!

 

[Bia]

While I get that you don't want to step on any toes with his family, and that you really do love them as people (and you appreciate all they have done for you), this scenario is not working out. For that reason alone you should talk to your FI and tell him its time to find a new place.

I'm sure if you approach your future FIL and tell him the deal, he'll understand that: a.) you have very little space and with the wedding coming, you'll need more since you'll be buying things for the house/apt; b.) that you really really appreciate their generosity, letting you both stay at the apt but that you now need your own "space" (or another PC word for "privacy"); c.) this situation was supposed to be temporary and now its time to get a move on.

I'm sure he'll understand. So now, make your FI understand!!!

ETA: Point out to your FI that between stress at work and stress with the wedding planning, this added stress is going to drive you over the edge. Make sure he understands that sending you to the insane asylum is going to be very ugly for BOTH of you!!!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 11/13/2008 9:06:52 AM
Author: cocolaw
its just very very frusterating. We are expected to sit in the den with his father every night after dinner (even though we have a tv in our bedroom), so the only time I can talk to my bf is on the weekends when the father is gone. I don't have any privacy..his mother came up to visit...while we were at work, she did all of my laundry and organized our bedroom (this might sound great, but I consider underwear a private thing)! The next time she came, the bf told her that the bedroom was off limits, but she still went in there and moved stuff around and cleaned. I want to come home from work and relax in my house, with my boyfriend, eat on our schedule, start OUR lives together.

The original plan has been cast out the window...now the plan is to find a place when we get married (October) because bf says it will hurt his father's feelings if we move out before that..he has really enjoyed getting to live with us. I just don't know how much longer I can live in this arrangement...Between work and home I'm going crazy!

I really do love his father-he is a great person and I enjoy his company...just not THIS much.

Sorry...needed to vent. How how how can I get us to move out faster? And it's not about money-I already checked on that.

I'm sorry, but that would be unacceptable to me. You have to put YOUR needs and YOUR happiness before your FFIL's. Why did the plan change unilaterally? These decisions should be made as a couple. It's a partnership, not a dictatorship.

That might sound harsh but your FFIL is an adult and he's responsible for his own happiness. It sounds as though he's perfectly healthy and doesn't require any sort of assistance or anything like that, which would be the only exception I'd make.

While it's unfortunate that he might be lonely once you're gone, ultimately it's up to him to fill that void via social activities, hobbies, etc. Of course you can certainly visit with him during the week, but expecting you to stay and live with him because that's what he wants- all while you're unhappy- is completely unreasonable.

ETA: Given the current situation, I'd also be highly suspicious of whether or not things WILL change once you two marry. If the 'plan' has already changed once, well...

 

[cocolaw]

I know...I''m really scratching my head too! I don''t really know when or how the plan changed, or when it became unacceptable for us to eat dinner alone, during the week! (Note to everyone....set boundaries early with your future in-laws). It''s just so touchy because the bf and the bf''s family do not consider this an abnormal living situation. They are not really in touch with the fact that he is a grown man now. His mother wanted to decorate his office when he started working as an attorney!!!!!!!

i just cant believe how fast things can change...i used to live with my bf in a 2 br 2 bathroom apt and i could sit on the couch in my underwear or pajamas and eat ice cream for dinner if i wanted to. and now i always have to have my smiley face on, make sure things are clean, and make sure i''ve prepared dinner..even if im not hungry!

i keep telling myself that this will make it SUCH a treat when we finally move into our own place. The optimism is wearing thin. I''m gonna have to have a talk about this sooner rather than later I''m afraid. I''m thinking I start talking about it now and then start looking in January because we will be gone a lot until then. AHHHHHH thanks for allowing me to vent.

 

[Bia]

That''s what we''re here for. Good luck!

 

[lasscreative]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to give you a big hug!!!!!!!! Arghhhhh!!!! PARENTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I am in the same kind of situation (well I was!) and my best friend is nearly in the same situation as you, Except his dad lives with them cause he just got divorced and after the settlement he couldn''t afford his house anymore so he sold it and has moved in there until he gets back on his feet (one - three months tops) its been 13 months! Before he moved in and it was just the 2 of them. It didn''t matter if they wanted to do it in the middle of the day on the couch, it didn''t matter if the dishes sat in the sink until the morning, it didn''t matter if they had take away. NOW!!! She has to put on the smiley face and do all the cleaning cause he frowns upon her! He has depression and is lonely and wants them to stay with him and she doesn''t know what to say to her partner. Her partner doesn''t know what to say to him. The only person happy with the arrangement is him!!

My situation. I didn''t live with my boyfriend, but I stayed over his house bout 4 nights a week (he lives with his family) because it was so much closer to work!! The mum has nooooooo idea!!!!!!!!!! STRESSFUL to the max! The silly woman couldn''t be bothered to learn how to drive so her 27 y.o son (my partner) needs to drive her around as if they are married to each other!!! She has 2 jobs and works all hours. My boyfriend works hard and long hours and then has to get up all hours of the night to pick her up or drive her to work. It''s not fair! She interrupts both of our sleeping patterns! And if she didn''t work that night, that doesn''t matter she just comes into our bedroom at 4, 5, 6am and fiddles with stuff! Opens the windows, opens drawers, comes round to my side of the bed (nearest the wall) I have no idea what she is doing but I can''t stand it. I don''t know if this will sound weird. But I am vulnerable when I am sleeping and I don''t think people should come into the bedroom. She wakes me up everytime she comes in. She also works my boy up to tell him something

Anyway!!!!!! I have had enough and haven''t been back since......!!!!!!!!! its been 2.5 months and I now don''t know what to do!!!!
No help cause I need it tooo, just trying to sympathies!!!!

 

[lasscreative]

OHhhh I do have a bit of help!!!!!!!
GET out of there fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You will only end of up resenting them!!
ANd the mother!!!!! HOW DARE SHE GO IN YOUR BEDROOM!!!!!!!! WHAT IS HER PROBLEM!!!!!
Its as if they have no idea that their son is dating some one!!!! Some one that is not in the family and that you can''t just continue on as if their son isn''t dating a WOMAN!!!!!
You are not like a mate or a friend!! You are their son''s other half!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can tell I am still extremely angry! and it''s been 2 and half months and I don''t feel any less angry. I do resent them now and it is hurting mine and my partners relationship. I just don''t know what to do. (ohh I am sorry, I am thread-jacking a bit.) I might start my own post as I don''t know what to do. I don''t want to wreck the relationship but I HATE HER!

 

[BlueSki231]

OK i haven''t read any of the responses yet - but the only response that comes to mind is...

WHAT??!?! You can''t move out because you''ll hurt his fathers feelings?!?!? Is he SERIOUS??
What about YOUR feelings? What about YOUR comfort level on sharing a tiny cluttered bedroom, with no time for yourself or for you as a couple.

Have you had a serious conversation with the BF about how you really feel about this??

 

[Inanna]

I really feel for you. As someone who absolutely needs her space, I just can''t imagine what you''re going through - it''s insanity, and it is VERY unacceptable IMHO. You cook for everyone every night, share a bathroom with your boyfriend''s father every day and night, his mother washes your underwear (!!!), AND you''re required to sit in the den in captivity before going to bed? That''s just bizarre. I find myself wondering if the father is mentally unstable - I''ve never heard of a parent so co-dependent. And this is supposed to go on until October 2009? NO WAY!

It sounds like everyone in this situation needs a reality check and I think your boyfriend should feel some responsibility to take the lead on breaking the news to his family that this situation MUST change. He can do it nicely and still make it clear that your arrangement was supposed to be very temporary and it is going to change soon! In the short term perhaps consider renting a storage unit to make the bedroom a bit more livable (I''m assuming it is your storage items in the bedroom, not the father''s). Start getting out during the week for goodness sake and gradually begin doing more and more activities with your boyfriend or alone (without the father). You deserve some freedom!

I really REALLY hope your boyfriend understands the ridiculousness of your current arrangement. Maybe even show him this thread. I keep thinking October 2009 WTF!!!! I''m sorry if this sounds harsh, but if I were in your shoes THAT would most certainly be a deal breaker.

 

[cocolaw]

Thanks for the advice and for allowing me to vent! I REALLY needed to blow off some steam. We actually had a talk about everything this weekend. The situation is that we can either live with his father until we get married, and save every month so that we have enough for a down payment in October, or we can move out and rent now, and then not have enough for a down payment on a house for a much longer time. So I have to decide how much my privacy is worth v. how much having a house is worth to me! Obviously I want the house, but the last thing I want to do is put too much stress on our relationship while we wait to move out. I will definately keep you updated....PS, the ring is supposed to be finished by the end of the month!! Yay!!!!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/18/2008 8:58:11 AM
Author: cocolaw
Thanks for the advice and for allowing me to vent! I REALLY needed to blow off some steam. We actually had a talk about everything this weekend. The situation is that we can either live with his father until we get married, and save every month so that we have enough for a down payment in October, or we can move out and rent now, and then not have enough for a down payment on a house for a much longer time. So I have to decide how much my privacy is worth v. how much having a house is worth to me! Obviously I want the house, but the last thing I want to do is put too much stress on our relationship while we wait to move out. I will definately keep you updated....PS, the ring is supposed to be finished by the end of the month!! Yay!!!!!

That''s good that you had a talk, but can you have a talk with his dad to work out some flexibility in HOW you live with his dad if you do?