Subtle hints.....(Mara and the "managing your male" thread)

[Mandarine]

Hi Girls!!!

So I''ve found that the subtle hints are the best way for me to let out a little frustration.....

Just like you had suggested Mara! hehehe. In your previous thread you said you would joke around with Greg about him having to save money for your rock, etc. I did just that!

It worked because I was able to say something about it, but in a jokingly way.....he thought it was funny and cute!.

Much better than me saying something out of frustration and him just getting annoyed by it!!!. We''re at a great point in our relationship now, I''m enjoying every second of it and things seem to be a lot smoother than they were a few months ago when I was just driving myself nuts about it.

Now...am I closer? I don''t know....but I do know he knows what my expectations are (end of 2006)...since it was him that said that late last year!

So Mara, thanks for the tips

M~

 

[Mara]

haha Mandarine, you''re welcome..!!

i definitely think humor can be a great way to let out some frustrations and also get a point across without it being confrontational! like if greg made a comment about wanting to buy something i''d be like ''oh well guess the ring fund is all ready now then right?'' and he''d be like ''hey!'' and i''d just laugh...but it allowed me to just remind him that *I* hadn''t forgotten and i hope he hadn''t either kind of thing. and it doesn''t have to be a big convo or any big thing. i also do that still...with things like trips we talked about or something that i wanted to do for the house. ''oh don''t forget WE wanted to change the floors this fall''...and then in a few months he is really thinking ''oh yeah WE wanted to change the floors'' even if it was my idea. and i''m sure he does it to me too with things he would like for us to do or have. i think it''s give and take.

keep us posted!! but glad that you found something that works for you both!

 

[sk8rjen]

Yay Mandarine! I hope HE remembers that he said that last year, too, though! A friend of mine''s boyfriend told her she''d have "well over a year" to plan their wedding and now wants to propose to her at a time that would leave her with only 11 months (they already have a set date)...I told him he couldn''t do that and reminded him what he told her. He didn''t think it was a big deal!! I told him that she would be impossible to deal with for that last month!

(plus, she thinks it''s going to be a lot sooner b/c he''s messing with her head) So like Indie always says, guys are aliens. Sounds like you two are doing well, but I guess my point is that while you are making suble hints, you might bring up the -- his -- deadline too

Glad you are back to happy and excited!
jen

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Mandarine: I've been following your story here and there.

I'm glad that you found the "secret weapon" for getting you thru this frustrating but exciting time!

I too used humor a LOT when I was "managing" my FI. He's a low-key kinda guy, and I knew that keeping it light and funny was the way to go. Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't have occassional breakdowns (one happened the night BEFORE he proposed), but I would try to get over them quickly and then laugh about it.

Although Matt is low-key, he's very financially conservative (but NOT cheap!!) and carefully weighs the pros and cons before he makes a HUGE purchase. His AC broke down last summer and he kept on joking that my ring would have to wait until he could take care of this unexpected expense. I wasn't living with him at the time, and would joke that having an AC wasn't really neccessary and that he should toughen up and take it like a man. Oh, how he had fun with me once when I was staying over and bitched about how hot it was!

He ended up shelling out the 5k for the AC, and it took a bit longer for us to get engaged (Dec), but it did happen!

GOOD LUCK!

 

[KimberlyH]

I do not recall whether it was my hubby or I who brought up getting married first. I am 99% sure it was him though, because I didn''t think it was something he wanted and I was just enjoying our relationship for what it was. Once we started talking about it, we set a timeline and then I enjoyed playing around with him. I would wave my left hand in front of him and say silly things about my finger being lonely and needing a companion of some sort...perhaps a shiny white rock. I asked him the other day if I ever bothered him during the time when we first discussed marriage and got engaged, he said he thouight I was funny and the only time he ever was bothered was when we had a misunderstanding about the timeline that we''d set and I got really upset. Anyways, just wanted to add my two cents to the conversation. I never attempted to manage him though, because as I stated I wasn''t sure if marriage was where we were headed and didn''t ever try to steer him in that direction (I only wanted to get married if we both wanted it, not because I twisted his arm).

 

[Mara]

Kimberly..not sure if you saw the original 'Effectively Managing your Male' thread...but the jist is not to try to force the guys into anything...of course no one wants to feel like they are twisting anyone's arm to be with them. it's more along the lines of knowing they already want that AND knowing you want it too (if you do!) and just figuring out the best way to get there with relatively little drama, and on a timeline that works for both parties kind of thing. rather than just sitting back and letting the male handle all the cards or being on his timeline. and using humor can be a great way to get reminders in when the original discussion has already happened and you know you are both on the same page.

 

[Mandarine]

Humor definetely is the best weapon!

I also feel better after some of you knocked some sense into me by making me realize he was still within his timeline and I couldn't be making this time miserable just because it didn't happen by when I *thought* it was going to!.

The "managing" term was really not meant to mean actually manage your guy into engagement...that was a long thread with many opinions, but the bottom line is that mean and women ARE different and really I don't think any girl wants to feel like they pushed their guy into getting engaged, but a little guiding just helps everyone. Just keep expectaions out there so that there are no unpleasant surprises in the middle of the relationship!.

I think it really would have earlier this year if it wasn't for the 1,000 things that have gone wrong and are truly stressing him out right now...but like aljdewey said to me in one of my venting threads, he still has until Dec 31st 11:59pm!.

M~

 

[KimberlyH]

Mara and Mandarine,

That is something I can buy into, the phrasing just sounds coniving. Anyways, now that I get it, I agree. It is important to play a role in the decision, because it''s your life too!

I guess there just seems to be a theme running through the LIW threads that basically goes: we fell in like/love, moved in together and now I''m furious that he hasn''t proposed. It''s foreign to me and my way of thinking and sort of sad. Life should be lots of fun and joy and just being in the moment, with some planning for a future as a couple, whether that be married or living together or whatever works for you, but the thing that should be stressed should be planning as a couple not, I want it so I''m going to throw tantrums and give ultimatums and then be miserable because he isn''t responding the way I want him to. I wouldn''t want to marry someone who was always worked up about getting married either.

This time should be fun and enjoyable and of course a bit frustrating because women tend to want to get married before men are ready. But it should not be the only thing that the couple ever discusses, thinks about etc.

 

[Mandarine]

I think we all agree here

It''s a decision that should be made by both. I still want to be "surprised" by the actual proposal (and ring for that matter), but that will be a pleasant surprise!. I don''t understand how you are with someone for years and then realize the other person is in a complete different page!.

Kimberly, I do agree...this is a great time...and we should enjoy it!. I''m crazy in love and don''t want to put a cloud on this time by my lack of patience

I do go through ups and downs but have learned (mainly thanks to the gals in PS) to deal with the downs and see the "big picture"!

Thanks to all of you for all the great advice!

 

[KimberlyH]

I think so too! And my apologies for the unsolicited advice, I was just ranting about what I had been reading in all of the threads.

Good luck to you, and I hope the ring and proposal are spectacular!

 

[Mandarine]

No worries! I wouldn''t be posting in a web forum if I wasn''t looking for comments or advice

I completely hear what you are saying.

M~

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I''m so glad you''re in high spirits, girl! It''s a fun time, expecting the proposal. Yes, yes. Um, it''s hard too, though. Very hard! But the anticipation is fun, when it''s not making you crazy.

I''m glad you''ve found a way to express your feelings without being demanding or anything. I never really found that quality, myself. Heehee.

Keep us updated, girl!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Mandarine!
I''m so happy you''re feeling better and you''ve found an outlet! Good girl!

But I''m still hoping you don''t have to wait until December 31 at 11:59pm!!!