Super Anxious LIW''s 1st post...must vent!

[love_sparkles]

Hi fellow LIW's! It's late & I need to vent. My bf & I have been together for a little over 2.5 years & we talk about getting married ALL THE TIME (probably too much given my frustration). You'd think that was great & it is, to some extent. The problem is my bf doesn't seem to have any follow through when it comes to actually purchasing the ring!

We started ring shopping back in February because neither one of us really knew what kind of ring we were going for. We looked & saw a few styles for settings we both liked, agreed on a shape & approximate size he thought would be in his budget. All the while, I am hoping for a proposal sooner than later.

I am a teacher & really the only "possible" time to get married is summer. In a bunch of our discussions, we had said next summer would be ideal for us to get married. He said he was totally on board with this & I said the only concern I had was I would want around a year to plan a wedding. So of course, that's the timeframe I shared with all of my girlfriends (probably a bad idea, but things come out in girl talk, especially when they're all already married!), thinking we were on the same page & had looked at rings, etc.

April comes around & still no ring...I ask him if he's made any progress. He says no, he's waiting for some money to come through & he wants to go ring shopping again. So, off we go once again.

At the start of the summer, I went away for a couple of weeks with a group of students. I was still expecting a proposal soon since the year to plan for summer 2009 seemed to be in effect & figured that while I was gone he would have the time to make a lot of progress. He knows nothing about diamonds & I had given him the pricescope address, etc. He had so much time on his hands while I was gone but he did NOTHING! I felt so betrayed when I got home & innocently asked him if he had made any progress. He had hinted to all of these "surprises" while I was away & the surprise was PATIO FURNITURE! I was bummed, to say the least. Instead, he said he thought we needed to go ring shopping...AGAIN.

Now, ring shopping is fun & all, but the prospect of planning a wedding for next summer was slowly falling from my grasp & I was getting tired of looking at the same settings over & over again.

We went shopping...AGAIN...a couple of weekends ago. Decided we should consider custom for the setting we both really like (something similar to the DanielK rosebud without the DanielK pricetag) & I offered to give him a list of PS-recommended designers. He said that would be great. So again, I take control & send him the email with all of the names. I feel like I am handling this entire process alone & he is just taking advantage of my research interest.

I am really getting upset at this point. I feel a lot of the surprise & romance is gone. I start fights with him all the time about getting engaged even though I believe we want to be together. I just don't understand what he's waiting for! I'm getting a little resentful because he says he wants to marry me & when I ask him when he says as soon as he can. But yet, he makes no attempt to look at PS, learn about diamonds, email anyone about a setting. I feel like he led me on by saying we should get married next summer. He had every opportunity to buy a ring if he had wanted to, but he chose not to. I have flat out asked him if he is unsure about getting married or if he's having doubts about our relationship & he assures me that's not it. I feel like every time I bring it up he responds by saying, "I was going to ____ tomorrow!" I am becoming more & more dubious & I feel like a loser for having told my girlfriends that a proposal was coming.

I love my guy more than anything, but he has NO follow through. How can I stop myself from feeling so anxious about the proposal & wanting to micromanage the entire situation? HELP!

And please, no flames. I realize I have hit my low. Ugh.

 

[blondebunny]

honestly... if you have given him all the info you can. id just back out.. I know im my case the more I pressured or anything, it made him not want to get engaged... Maybe if you just back off, and just tell him all the time u love him and do sweet things...

For all you know maybe there are money issues....??

As for your gfs... dont feel like a loser... no reason too, so what if the proposal didnt come sooner, it will come.. if they ask just say he is trying for it to be a surprise... maybe thats a thing too...Maybe he keeps trying to throw u off with all the ring shopping or something?

Anyways goodluck

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

hi love sparkles

You and I can be buddies! I am also a teacher, and we had also discussed getting married next summer. Mine is not set as an agreement like yours though, just more of we both thought that sounded right in a passing conversation. Anyways, if that proposal doesn''t come this fall, I am going to start getting anxious because in my head I have a summer 2009 wedding! I haven''t told all my girlfriends that we are definitely getting engaged any day, but I feel your pain because I might as well have put it out on a PSA. Since I moved to a new city for him, and everyone knows that I''m a teacher and knows that I want to marry him, they are all thinking the proposal is just around the corner. I get little doubts in my head because I know he thinks jewelry is dumb, and I know that he is suffering major sticker shock from the new house he just bought and the condition of the market and the fact that he would like to replace his big truck with a small car (fuel efficiency). He can definitely afford the ring; it''s just that I can see him procrastinating out of a distaste for spending so much money on jewelry when he''s putting money out on other very important and large things. Also, he doesn''t plan ahead, so what if he just doesn''t think about how if he truly wants to get married next summer, he needs to get on the ball now with the proposal. I hope he doesn''t let me down because I fear that I will be in your shoes in a few months... constantly stressed about why my guy won''t take care of business. For now though, I am thinking positive thoughts and choosing to have faith that he''s going to come through because I dread feeling like a nag, and want to believe in him. He comes through in every other situation, so I should believe in him now!


My advice is to be yourself and don''t pick fights. It just makes a man procrastinate more if he doesn''t feel like it''s HIS decision or project. I think you should wait until the end of the summer before dropping the guillotine. He probably feels like he has all summer to get it, and he can''t understand why you''re grilling him when he''s not even past his deadline. If he hasn''t proposed by Labor Day, then you can sit him down and tell him that you are hurt. Until then, just give him the chance to be the man you want to marry!

 

[swingirl]

I hear this a lot. Is it the ring shopping and selection or the actual engagement that is the problem? If I'd left it up to my future husband to shop for a ring I still might be waiting. He's not a shopper, spender and basically doesn't move forward with those sorts of purchases. 25 year years ago we decided we wanted to be married. After a few browsing trips to the mall jewelry stores I started looking on my own. Then I let him know that I enjoyed the shopping part and if he didn't want to keep going to the mall I'd be happy to do the research and make the selection and purchase myself based on his budget. He was relieved to hear me say I didn't want a "surprise".

But for those of you who have men who want to make it a surprise, you just have to be patient. But is it the ring that is the hold up or the actual engagement?

 

[fieryred33143]

Well…for starters, who says you need to have the ring to start planning.

Now, a lot of the surprise and romance is gone because you won’t let him do the surprise and romance thing. I sincerely believe that once men realize this is the girl for me, they need to go through their own process to figure things out. It’s hard for him to go through his process if you won’t let him. I know you are anxious to start the wedding planning and to get married but if he is your forever, then you have time. If you have discussed marriage and you are on the same page, then it really doesn’t matter if you get married next summer or the summer after that. As far as telling your girlfriends already that was your bad because you jumped the gun.

You can try to force the process all you want to fit your timeline but he’s going to ask you when he’s ready to ask you. And if you keep pushing, he may not do it at all.

 

[sklingem]

I agree with what has been said so far. Give him until the end of this summer (maybe September 1st?) before you address the issue again. And you can indeed start some planning, though it would be nicer to have the engagement "locked in" and not have to worry about that part and to actually plan the wedding together (no freebies for the guys)! Good luck!

 

[customcushion]

If my FI started planning our wedding before we were engaged, I would have not been impressed...

Let your guy take his time. Pressure will make him... take more time.

 

[Bia]

Date: 7/22/2008 9:19:12 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Now, a lot of the surprise and romance is gone because you won’t let him do the surprise and romance thing. I sincerely believe that once men realize this is the girl for me, they need to go through their own process to figure things out. It’s hard for him to go through his process if you won’t let him. I know you are anxious to start the wedding planning and to get married but if he is your forever, then you have time. If you have discussed marriage and you are on the same page, then it really doesn’t matter if you get married next summer or the summer after that. As far as telling your girlfriends already that was your bad because you jumped the gun.
You can try to force the process all you want to fit your timeline but he’s going to ask you when he’s ready to ask you. And if you keep pushing, he may not do it at all.

Agreed. Don''t make the mistake of taking the surprise factor away from him. He needs to do it on his own time. Believe me, when he''s ready, HE WILL. My BF is a major procrastinator, and I was thinking much like you a few months ago. Finally he told me to chill, and he meant it! He wants to do everything on his own and only when he wanted to make sure he knew what kind of ring I''d like, did he ask me to give input. After that, it got quiet again.

Many of us get anxious...its exciting and nervewracking and crazy all at once, but try to enjoy your time right now. If he said it will happen, then it probably will. If it doesn''t then you''ll know when its time to really say something.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 7/22/2008 9:31:50 AM
Author: customcushion

If my FI started planning our wedding before we were engaged, I would have not been impressed...

I guess that opinion all depends on your relationship and what you have discussed together.

My FI and I mutually agreed to start planning our wedding before he got the ring for many reasons; the biggest reason being the date we specifically wanted falling on a Saturday next year. He is completely involved in the planning process and very happy with the decision. He now has more time to get his finances together to pay for the ring without going into any debt; we get the wedding date we want and I can relax knowing that we are fully in the process of making our day a reality.

You don’t need a ring to be engaged or to start planning a wedding. I’m living proof. Very happy, non-anxiety filled living proof at that! I was worried vendors wouldn’t take my FI and I seriously without a ring but most are more interested in our October 31st date than any bauble missing from my hand. Did I feel this way initally? No. But sometimes you have to experience a situation before you formulate a good opinion about it. For us, our arrangement is working perfectly.

 

[Blair138]

Hi Love Sparkles!!

I''m a teacher too and I could have written your post about 2 months ago...

ANYWAYS-Here is my advice to you-SO MANY PEOPLE were telling me "you need a year to plan" blah blah blah...yes you MAY, but you can make it happen in less time. I told my (now) FI that and he literally gave me ONE YEAR EXACTLY-and then we went on a week long cruise right after the proposal and I couldn''t plan a thing!!! In hindsight, it was nice to just be engaged without wedding stress yet for almost 2 weeks...when I got back, you bet I was a planning machine! Surprisingly I found almost every venue I looked at had at least 3 of the dates I wanted. And they still do because we haven''t signed the contract yet...I would say try to calm down a little bit. Even if you don''t get engaged until September there will be venues and vendors that still have your date. Come on PS, VENT, and if your BF seems like he is doing NOTHING in September-then maybe have a serious talk about what the holdup is, I did this back in April and found it was money, which I totally understood but the fact that he didn''t tell me this was the holdup FREAKED ME OUT.

So good luck and welcome!!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 7/22/2008 11:24:55 AM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

Date: 7/22/2008 9:31:50 AM
Author: customcushion

If my FI started planning our wedding before we were engaged, I would have not been impressed...

I guess that opinion all depends on your relationship and what you have discussed together.

We are also in the process of planning although he hasn''t proposed. We want to purchase a home next year so knowing what we are looking at in terms of $$ is really helpful.

 

[JAMSRING]

I also am a teacher and if you search back I think you will find I posted pretty much the same thing awhile back. My fiance ended up proposing in March 14. I felt it was too soon to plan for this summer and next seemed so long away. I gave up on my summer idea and we are getting married December 27th. I have really grown to LOVE the idea. We also will get two honeymoons out of it......a mini one (we rented a romantic cabin with a hot tub for the week after the wedding which includes NYE) and a more traditional one next summer. Don''t get hung up on the summer thing. Its not worth it! Plus I honestly had most of my major planning (church, hall, dj) done within a month of being engaged so I am not sure a full year is really needed. Just my 2 cents!

 

[jcarlylew]

hi sparkels - i feel your pain! my boyf is not a planner (or a budget guy) either so even though we have the ring (it does need to be fixed) i feel like i will be waiting FOREVER until it is fixed an ready to go on my finger. My best advice is to keep busy with other things - I''m going to start volunteering since i dont have a 2nd job anymore.

who knows, maybe he is trying to throw you off?

 

[love_sparkles]

Hi, everyone! Thank you so much for your advice! It was honest but not harsh. I was kind of afraid I would get a lot of, "what''s wrong with you, girl!?" but I was really relieved to know that other people ''get'' where I''m coming from & have been there. I have some very close girlfriends, but they are pretty weird when it comes to talking about their relationships & want them to appear picture perfect. As far as they have told everyone (even me), their now husbands were all about getting married & picked the perfect rings out all on their own! It makes it difficult to bring up these kinds of feelings.

So, when I wrote last night, I had just come off another evening of crying. I try to keep my cool & just let him do his thing, but I get so frustrated sometimes that all I can do is cry. I''m kind of an emotional person...This morning when I got up, he was awake & walking around the condo in his pj''s. He took the day off of work to make it ''Ring Day''! He said he thought a lot about what I said & he felt like a jerk for not taking care of business. He''s into paying for the ring in cash & he''s got the cash now. We''ve done enough shopping. He admitted that he''s not nervous about the marriage but the ring buying & planning/paying for a wedding was kind of nervewracking. He said what he really wants is for us to be married & he said it was time that he do what he had been meaning to do all along. I was kind of shocked.

When I got home from class today, he was like a giddy little schoolboy! He wanted to tell me about all the things he had learned about diamonds. He showed me his charts that he printed out & told me his preferences for the 4 Cs & whar he thinks we should shoot for. He made a "Bling" folder on his favorites where he saved some settings he thought I''d like. AND, he emailed a bunch of people about getting a setting made! He said he wants me to be involved in the process & he''ll take care of a romantic proposal.

For me, it''s not so much about the ring & the date just yet. We don''t have the money to afford the kind of wedding we will eventually want. It''s just frustrating to hear him talk so much about getting married but then not seeing any effort to make it a reality. For the moment, I am feeling great!! I''m sure there will be frustration down the road, but I''m glad he has gotten over the first little roadblock. It looks like summer ''09 for a wedding probably won''t happen, but I''m telling myself that even though summer 2010 is a looooong way off, we''ll be able to save for a nicer wedding & honeymoon & when we DO get engaged, we''ll be able to just enjoy being fiance/fiancee for a while before all of the chaos begins.

Soooooo, does this mean I can stick around? I know I need to relax, but I can predict some slip-ups along the way...

 

[honey22]

Date: 7/23/2008 12:33:18 AM
Author: love_sparkles




Soooooo, does this mean I can stick around? I know I need to relax, but I can predict some slip-ups along the way...

Of course chicky!!!! We all have some slip-ups along the way! I had two this week - 12 yr anni and 30th Bday within 6 days of each other, the ring in the house and no proposal

Anyhoo, we are all here to help you get through this sometimes trying, incredibly exciting, send-you-round-the-bend LIW time! Feel free to vent, laugh, cry, share here whatever - you are among friends

 

[LaraOnline]

Hey Love Sparkles! I haven''t had time to read all the posts yet (which is probably a bit rude of me), but...
is it possible he feels a bit out of his depth bout the whole ring thing?

My man is kinda 70s retro - ie hopeless - and I''m afraid I had to do the WHOLE thing, otherwise I''m scared he would have literally walked into a store and bought the very first thing that fitted the budget.

And as our budget was non existent at the time, I could have been in real trouble!! So, lucky in a way that I was hands on...and, for my upgrade I''ll be doing the same thing. Paying for it is all he needs do!!lol

Hey, I''m a LIWFAU - that''s Lady In Waiting For An Upgrade, because mine''s sort of in dreamland at the moment too.

I guess it''s kind of hard for you though, because he feels he needs the ring to propose? I got the proposal, then I got the ring. Would that work for you, too?

 

[Blair138]

Hey Love Sparkles!! Glad to hear he''s finally making some progress!!

As for the money situation-here''s my advice (I did this) I opened up an online high interest savings account through HSBC. The interest rate is (was) really good, it has gone down because of the economy but is still MUCH better than a regular savings account. You can take the money out anytime and it''s easy to deposit to. It REALLY helped me and FI did the same thing when he was saving for the ring, and still has it for our house now!!!