Surprises - how far is too far?

[blueberrydot]

A coworker of mine got engaged a while back, and I remember when she was telling me the story about their engagement she said that it came as a TOTAL surprise, because she had absolutely no idea he was going to ask. She said that he had always made it seem like he had no intention of getting married, and that he never wanted to get married. I don''t know how ok she was with this, because I didn''t want to ask, and there are plenty of couples in relationships where they know they are going to be together forever and neither have any interest in making it "official" so for all I know she was perfectly fine with her relationship whether there was marriage in the future or not. However, she DID come into the office shrieking and squealing about her engagement, so I''m assuming there was a part of her that really really wanted to get married.

I''m just wondering - how do you all feel about a man claiming to his girlfriend that he never wants to get married, just so it can be a huge, massive surprise when he actually proposes? If my boyfriend had said to me, "I don''t ever plan on getting married," there is absolutely no way I could imagine myself saying complacently, "oh ok." I''d be heartbroken. I''m sure I''d cry and fret and, as much as I love my SO, I would probably seriously re-evaluate my relationship. I just keep thinking to myself, did my coworker feel that way? Was she completely devastated when her boyfriend told her that he never wanted to get married? Is a big "SUPRISE" proposal worth that kind of heartache?

btw, just as a disclaimer, I''m in no way saying that my coworker''s boyfriend was jerking her around or anything. I''ve met him on several occasions and he seemed very sweet and a genuinely nice guy. I''m sure he had the best of intentions, but it''s just a method that could have backfired dramatically.

 

[choro72]

Reminds me of Chandler and Monica. hehe.

I agree, I would have done some seriously soul searching.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Yeah, it would have been bad strategy with me. I would have probably ended the relationship!

 

[sunnyd]

No surprise is worth that, to me. A proposal should never be a complete shock.

 

[MayFlowers]

I know that if my FF told me that he never wanted us to get married, I would definite re-evaluate our relationship. To me, marriage is something that I definitely want to happen. I would never want to be in a relationship if I knew or even thought that my SO would not want us to get married. Marriage is very important to me. That being said, I don''t think a surprise proposal is all that important. I know many guys who act distant right before proposing so that it can be a surprise. But, even that is too much for me. The proposal can definitely be a surprise without being distant or saying that he doesn''t want to get married.

Just because you know your SO is going to propose eventually, doesn''t mean you know how or when or any other details of it.

 

[LilyKat]

There''s only so much the joy of a "surprise" can do to repair many months of emotional strain and resentment. Plus, I would feel pretty uncomfortable that the person I was supposed to trust most in the world could convincingly fool me with lies for that long - even if it was "for a good cause"... Personally, I think it''s cruel and sometimes a tiny bit of a power trip.

Of course, this doesn''t apply if the other person really isn''t bothered about getting engaged - many people aren''t. I don''t know which category your friend fell into, so I can''t really say. I think a surprise is taken too far when it hurts someone else, even temporarily.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 12/18/2009 3:47:07 PM
Author: monkeyprincess
Yeah, it would have been bad strategy with me. I would have probably ended the relationship!

Same here. I''m not into games, and I have dated someone for almost two years who said that to me. Two weeks later I broke up with him. I had no interest in being a weekend girlfriend for the rest of my life.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/18/2009 7:17:32 PM
Author: LilyKat
There''s only so much the joy of a ''surprise'' can do to repair many months of emotional strain and resentment. Plus, I would feel pretty uncomfortable that the person I was supposed to trust most in the world could convincingly fool me with lies for that long - even if it was ''for a good cause''... Personally, I think it''s cruel and sometimes a tiny bit of a power trip.

Of course, this doesn''t apply if the other person really isn''t bothered about getting engaged - many people aren''t. I don''t know which category your friend fell into, so I can''t really say. I think a surprise is taken too far when it hurts someone else, even temporarily.

Major +1!

I never thought I wanted to get married before my current relationship, so if my BF told me he didn''t want to marry me, I''d be devestated. I would have to end the relationship, honestly, because it would hurt way too much for me to know he didn''t share those feelings for me.

I am all about doing things together as a "team", so I''d definitely be hurt by those secretive actions.

 

[princesss]

I''ve seen it happen with a couple once. He spent a year of their relationship saying he didn''t want to get married, and came up with all sorts of reasons for it. She was devastated. When he finally proposed she was over the moon - but I wasn''t at all surprised when that engagement ended. He spent a year deceiving her and lying to her, all for one moment of surprise.

I think it''s kind of depressing that some guys think the surprise is the most important element to the proposal, and go to such lengths to guarantee the surprise. What would they do if their GF decided she''d had enough and left? To propose would look forced, and how would you ever convince a girl that months of rants about marriage were all to serve some higher purpose?

 

[mariewest]

If my SO told me he didn''t want to get married, I think we would go our separt ways. I think marriage is something that should be discussed before a proposal occurs. I wish in my case there wasn''t such a laspe in time from when first discussing marriage and having an actual proposal (going on 2 years of waiting in a 3 year relationship.)

However, you don''t know the details of their relationship. Perhaps she did want to get married and he wasn''t as enthusatic, but wanted to make her happy since they were going to spend the rest of their life together anyways. I don''t think a guy should fake not wanting to get married to make a surprise proposal a bigger deal. What if she said no?

It''s not always about the surprise of a proposal.

 

[crossmyfingers]

My SO told me within the first couple months of dating that he never planned to get married. He said it in passing, but it was a big deal to me, and I never tried to hide the fact that I planned to be married someday. I didn''t press him then since we had just started dating. After we''d dated a little longer, he started talking about the future in a further sense than the next week. Then about six months in, he told me he planned to be with me for good. Then serious talk of marriage came a little after that.

While I could understand some little white lies to be able to surprise me, I would not be comfortable being completely surprised with a proposal. If my SO told me several times that he never wants to get married (and I continued dating him) and he proposed, I would be so confused. I think I would worry he changed his mind on a whim and I wouldn''t think he was sure what he wanted.

It might work great for some people but I know my SO and I plan things more than that and discuss important things with one another - and I certainly think that would count as an ''important thing''!

 

[jewelz617]

You don''t know the specifics of their relationship (no offense).

Perhaps it was discussed lightly a few times. Maybe she didn''t express a deep desire to get married any time soon (but was happy when it became an option).

For some people, that works and for some it doesn''t. She''s obviously ecstatic to be engaged now so there''s really no need to analyze it is there?

 

[trillionaire]

I met my FI in college. I did a lot of declaring over the years that I didn''t want to get married, and to be honest, I am not a huge marriage enthusiast. I''m excited to marry MY man, but I don''t get all lovey dovey about marriage as an institution, nor wax philosophical about the novelties of marriage. I think people grow and change, and often times, when people say that they don''t want to get married, they mean that they are not READY for marriage yet, not that they never want to do it. FI and I will get married on our 7th anniversary, but I was not even comfortable discussing marriage until about 4.5 years into the relationship. If he had asked me before about 5 yrs into our relationship, I would have been freaked out by it and really uncomfortable. He says he stuck around because he knew I would change my mind, but marriage is something that is/was important to him too. It''s not always about someone being jerked around, it can be people trying to get to the same page. A surprise proposal is awfully romantic, but increasing impractical in this day and age. I could forgive someone misleading me for a brief period of time, but if we''ve been together for years and years, it is only fair to be clear in your intentions so that both parties can continue to have their needs met.

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

I think "being on the same page" is a big part of making a relationship work, whether that means planning to be married or not.
I am a self-proclaimed control freak and would not be pleased with such a BIG surprise!