Take me off the list too - its over

[MissCongeniality]

I havent been posting at this site for a while due to being so busy...i have been working like three different jobs and the rest of the time was spent with my ex boyfriend. I always read the threads though...its like a little family here at pricescope for me.

My ex and I dated for a year. he was 32 and never been in a relationship. Red Flag. I knew he had been battling a drinking problem...but when we started going out it seemed like he was really getting it under control. Red Flag.

We have been happy all this time. No fights. No arguments. Flew me back to chicago to visit his family - they loved me. His mom and I hit it off like you wouldnt believe. She told him he''d be a fool to let me get away, and that if he didnt quit drinking he would lose me. I loved his family. I have dated so many guys, been introduced to a lot of families, and his mom was a woman I would have wanted as my FMIL. She sent me gifts, cards, etc. anyway, We were happy just being together. A few months ago he decided he was moving to chicago, and asked me to come with him. I thought about it and told him I would, but I wanted to get married. I didnt want to live together...I have been there done that. I thought it was resonable if I was going to move there...I needed a formal comittment. He suggested we could be engaged by the end of the year.

We were really really really in love. I thought we were moving towards getting engaged. I never pressured him, just was my same sweet self and kept quietly working toward moving to Chicago. I really was expecting him to propose, he knew about pricescope, asked me about what I liked, etc. --- too see this guy and how he was around me...he was so in love with me...this was like the last thing I would have expected.

Friday he told me he didnt want to marry me. He is so conflicted. He admitted that he is terrified of making a comittment and he feels so confused. I think he''s got major cold feet. My family didnt believe me when I first told them the news. My friends just look at me and say, "He did what? WHY?" LOL Even though everybody could see how good the relationship was, he wouldnt know because he''s got nothing to compare it to. When you know the bad, you appreciate the good. He''s really got no clue what he has. I think he''s really freaked out. In the past few months though, I''ve noticed he''s drinking more and more and I really think that with all the drinking...a wife would be in the way. It would change his little routine: go to work, come home, get drunk, pass out. No matter how much he loved me, he loves beer more than me. I was so hoping this wasnt how things would end. I think that is why his family was so happy to see him dating me and why they were so kind to me. They thought he''d really turned a corner.

I feel I''ve let them down. all of this is just so awful. Thanks for letting me vent.
So take me off the list.....I am so sad.

 

[bookworm21]

Aww, I''m sorry. That really sucks. And alcoholism is an evil, evil thing. And it''s true that if he never had a bad, he''ll never know the good, so maybe it''s better that it ended now rather than later, when he possibly starts wondering what else is out there. Vent if you need to, that''s what we''re here for.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Oh wow, I hate to see it when people choose negative habits and addictions over things they truly love. I hope he hits bottom, sees what has happened, by his own doing, and gets into rehab.

I hope your healing comes soon and allows you to reflect and get into a healthy place in your life. It''s a hard, hard blow when you don''t see it coming. Argh, I do wish all the best for you. And I applaud you for seeing the flags, and I pray that if he comes around and sees the error he''s made, that you make sure to take care of *YOU* first and make sure those flags are dealt with before taking any steps.

Good luck! Spend time with your friends now; they offer so much support and that makes the healing so much easier.

 

[RoseAngel04]

I''m so sorry!! Hugs for you!

 

[squeaksluv]

I am really sorry that this guy has hurt you but I have to be honest and say you are so much better without him, especially if he is still drinking. I''ve learned that alcoholics will not stop until they''re ready too, regardless of others in their life. I''m hoping that he''ll hit rock bottom and survive, maybe then he''ll realize what he''s lost. You''ve got to hang in there and be strong. The last thing you need is to babysit an alcoholic. Get on with your life and if he comes around, great, if not, good riddance. You don''t need that baggage in your life..think about you and potential kids.

I''m really sorry though because I know how much this hurts right now. I also dated an alcoholic and in the end he chose beer over me. He hit rock bottom and when he came to his senses I was already gone. He did call (I think they''re supposed to do that as part of their steps) and apologize for hurting me. He also said he made a mistake and that he would love a second chance, I couldn''t give him one but I did accept his apology. He''s married now with children and has stayed sober for 5 years now. I can imagine how hard it is because it only takes one drink to fall off (or is it on?) the wagon again. He said in the beginning going out for dinner was hard because everyone around him would order a drink and he was sticking to water or seltzer. It takes a strong person to go through it and I hope that this guy will have the strength one day.

Please hang in there.

 

[jewelryjunkie]

I can sooo relate to your situation.

It may not feel like it now, but you are so lucky you didn''t marry him. I married my alcoholic/pot smoking boyfriend and after 7 yrs of marriage I am leaving him. I couldn''t save/fix him.

My heart goes out to you. It''s so hard to loose a man to his addictions, especially when everything else is so great, including his family. And I think it''s hard no matter if you''ve been with him a year or 10 years.

I hope your heart heals quickly and that you know you are worthy of a relationship with a man who is committed to living life fully and not medicated by alcohol or drugs.





-Julia

 

[sk8rjen]

Oh, M.C. I am SO sorry to hear this. It''s hard to be so in love and then it just stops without warning. I, too, am glad you saw the sign and I hope he eventually gets his act together for his own sake. I know you feel like you are losing his family too, but I suspect you can remain friendly with them if you choose -- this is his loss, and it shouldn''t be yours. many (((hugs)))!
jen

 

[FacetFire]

I am so sorry that you are going through this! I do applaud you for seeing this for what it is and doing the right thing for yourself. I can only imagine how hard it is for you right now. Hang in there, you are stronger than you think!

 

[Mandarine]

MC, I''m sorry to hear this ....*hugs*

It sounds like you have your head on straight and I too applaude you for having the strengh to walk away...it''s not always easy but you will look back on this and be so glad you did before you were in deeper into the relationship.

Alcoholism is just evil. I do hope that he realizes what he''s doing not only to himself but to everyone around him and gets his act together.

I know you''re sad and you need to let it all out....and we are here for you!!

M~

 

[MissCongeniality]

Cinderella, fisherofmengirly, Roseangel4, facetFire, RoseAngel04, mandarine: i really appreciate your encouraging advice...it reaffirms what i know is really going on here and helps me stay focused. i''m still bursting into tears...but its getting better. he cant be a good husband if he loves something else more. i have to keep reminding myself of that.

His whole family knows about his drinking problem and I guess thats why I feel so connected to them. They really were hoping that by dating me, (I was the girl of his dreams) that he would have the desire to get sober and have a real life. No matter what I did...cooked for him, greeted him at the door in lingerie, was the most beautiful girl at the party...its not enough. He was so proud of me...but oh well - it is his loss. I went to a party the next night and it helped to have about 5 men around me at once. LOL

He drinks 3 or 4 of those 24oz beers each weeknight after work...then goes upstairs and passes out. He cant go to sleep without the drinking. He kept saying "I''ll just limit my drinking to the weekends..." but it never seems to be carried out. LOL And on the weekends, he would go through a 24 pack easy.

I know that even though he was very in love - the beer wasnt as much maintenance as a girlfriend. we were real happy until just recently when i noticed the drinking had resumed. it consumed his time...and our social life went down the tubes. he didnt want to to out...didnt want to go to concerts...just wanted to stay home and drink. so lately thats what my weekends have been : watching him get drunk on the couch playing video games. and i never got mad, i didnt demand to go out, etc. i just sat there next to him and thought "what the heck am i going to do?" and then this hit.

before he started drinking heavily again,and things were the way they used to be, and we were talking about getting married, i even suggested that i didnt need an e ring...he had already given me one and i was content to use that. i made things as easy as i could for him. sad huh?

he said he was afraid of the comittment and that he thought i was too clingy at times....man he doesnt know what clingy is. We usually just communicated thru txt message...and probably about 1 phone call every other day. i usually saw him on wednesday evenings, and on the weekends we spent friday sat and sun together. LOL I wasnt calling him 4 times a day....but see he doesnt know any of this because he''s never dated anybody. My friend has a bipolar boyfriend who calls her a minimum of 4 times a day. THAT is clingy. lol.

Jewelryjunkie and squeaksluv - thank you so much for sharing with me. it helped me so much that there was somebody who has been in a situation like mine - you dont know how much it helps me!!! i could write a book about all the disappointments i''ve had lately because of his drinking. you guys know what im goin through. i know you do.

jewelryjunkie, are you going to al-anon meetings? i started going a few months back when i noticed the drinking was bad...it really helped me. you could stay in your marriage...al-anon is kind of neutral on wether you stay or not in a marriage with an active drinker.

sk8erluv - you are so right. I didnt think about that. I do plan on writing a little note to his family to let them know what is going on, but i just kind of figured i''d be losing them too. you are right...his family and i can still stay in touch. i know they would want to. i will mention it in my letter. i didnt really think of that. thanks.

Oh you guys I feel so much better since I talked about this. Thank you so much. Jewelryjunkie if you ever need to talk I am here for you.
I wish I could hug all of you. HUGS HUGS.
love,
Desiree

 

[Mandarine]

wow, 5 guys around you in one party is not bad at all!! you go girl!

My ex was (probably still is) an alcocholic, but he was also addicted to Ambien (the sleeping pill)....which mixed in with the alcohol causes amnesia. Not only did I have to drink with the drunk behavior, but also with the "I don''t know what you''re talking about!"....at first I was fooling myself...believing him everytime he said he would change, but it took one bad incident for me to freak out, wake up and realize he was never going to change, at least not for me and he wasn''t ready to do it for himself.

You deserve better...any guy on his right and sane mind would rather be next to a gorgeous intelligent woman that also cooks and surprises him with lingerie!

It will only get better from here!

M~

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hi Desiree~
Your last post confirmed that this guy was not meant to be your husband. When it comes to alcoholism (I know first-hand) no matter what you do, it won''t get any better until the person realizes there''s a problem and puts forth the effort to fix it. Not only the drinking, but being 32 with no previous relationship experience and calling you clingy when you talk every other day is an issue in itself. I''m happy to hear that you''re holding up, and please don''t feel like you let anyone down. His problems are not your own, and surely his family understands that. It is heartbreaking to know that you got along so well with his family, but they have to understand that no one can fix your ex except for him. I commend you for trying, and supporting him. In the end, it just wasn''t meant to be. Stay strong, let us know how you''re doing, and we''ll always be glad to help you!
*Hugs*
~Megan

 

[VRBeauty]

Desiree:

I am very sorry about the pain and disappointment you must be feeling. However, I also have to be honest about the red flags I saw when I was reading your posts. What I have to say will probably sound harsh, but please know that I''m speaking from experience, and that I have your best interests in mind.

You spent a year with someone who drinks himself to sleep every night.

You were ready to move to another city to be with someone with a drinking problem -- and would have if he had not admitted to being afraid to commit to marriage.

You lucked out.

Please consider talking to a professional about your role in this relationship, to help ensure that you won''t find yourself in some variation of this same plot a year from now.

 

[Small]

HUGS to you sweetie. I can only say that you will one day look back and realize that although this is a rough time you''ve learned something and going through all of this will make you stronger. Sounds like he lost alot to be with the bottle...one day he''ll look back and see that...HUGS!

 

[diamondfan]

You are in pain over this, but I hope in the long run it will become clear that it was for the best. You deserve more, and while I would hope he gets the help he needs, you cannot go down with him! Hugs and I hope you have strength to just feel good about YOU right now.

 

[sunkist]

Oh, MissCongeniality, I''m so sorry! I''m so proud of you that you stood up for yourself and insisted on marriage. In the end, no matter what happened, you''ve done the right thing. I really hope that he can turn his own life around, but it just would not have been fair to any possible future children if you''d married an alcoholic. Hugs and prayers to you!

 

[SeattleSparkle]

I don''t really have any advice in such a difficult situation, but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[MissCongeniality]

MINIMS: You are right. I shouldnt have stayed as long as I did. But for the majority of our relationship, the drinking was at a minimum and things were really good. And when he asked me to move to Chicago with him, his drinking was under control. I knew those tendencies were there, but it had been going really well. It has only been in the past few months that he had started drinking again.

Going to Al-anon helped me realize a lot of what you pointed out. Believe me, I know where I messed up. And I am going to be talking to a counselor to make sure that I dont wind up in this kind of position again.

thanks - you are right on and I know it.

 

[Honeyfly]

Oh that''s a sad story, but it''s absolutely HIS LOSS!!! I know that you find a fabulous guy just around the corner, and be presented with a stunning diamond and life-to-be in the not-too-distant future!

 

[robbie3982]

I''m so sorry that you''re going through this. I was in a similiar situation a while ago. I dated this guy for all of college and we were planning on getting married. He was addicted to pot (I know some people say you can''t be addicted, but he was) and I wanted so badly to "fix" him. I love his family and I know that they were really hoping that I would be able to "fix" him as well.

We fought all the time and were constantly on again off again. He ended up going away the summer after we graduated and things were actually going well between us, but all of a sudden it hit me that it wasn''t right and that I''d never be more important than the pot, so I ended it.

His mom actually told me that I was such a good influence on him and they were really hoping that I could turn him around. It killed me to hear her say that. We''d become so close that I really felt like I was letting one of my best friends down, but I knew that I couldn''t keep trying to fix him.

Even though I was the one who ended it, it was still really hard on me.

It was soon after this that I started dating my current boyfriend who is the absolute love of my life. He treats me like a princess. This guy is out there for you too. I know it''s hard right now, but you WILL find him.

 

[allycat0303]

MissCongeniality: I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I think it's really hard to let a relationship go, especially when you felt that it was moving towards engagement. I don't think you've let anyone down, you put as much as you could into the relationship, but at this moment, he has things he needs to deal with. Drinking until you pass out right after work is alarming, and sometimes people need more help and support then you could possibly give them. Sometimes it's harder to take a step back then it is to stay in a relationship.

Take care of yourself!

 

[caligal]

Oh hon... big HUGS! I am so sorry you have to go through this, but like the others I am so glad you know now- not later.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

You handled this very well. You did need to be free from this situation. As a mother, my heart aches for his mother, because I know too well how she feels. It is very hard to have a sick child. And you always have hope they''ll get better. It is a profound disappointment when they go backwards. The sad thing is, he knows he has failed everyone he loves, but he cannot get past the addiction. It is a terrible situation.

 

[Patchee]

Feels like more and more of us are going through break ups these days then marriages!! I am SO sad for you too, I''m in my own boat but I can relate to the "I don''t want to marry you" words, that hurt like hell! You will be ok - I think your half way there already

I think his habit would eventually get in the way of your together life... hugs!!

 

[FireGoddess]

Well that just bites. Don''t you dare feel like YOU''ve let anyone down....no way! What did you do wrong here? Nothing. I think you were wise not to relocate without some formal commitment, and I think it''s a favor to you that he''s doing this. You deserve someone who is not ambivalent about you. I know this just plan sucks so much, but once the clouds have parted you will see that you will be better off!! *hugs*

 

[anchor31]

I''m very sorry you''re going through this... Take care of yourself, you''re a strong and compassionate woman and there is a amazing man out there just for you!

 

[lawmax]

Miss Congeniality,

I''m so sorry for your disappointment, but as you know, your ex truly handed you a great gift. Your life has the chance to be very beautiful now!

If you are willing, it occurs to me that you would be doing posters and lurkers a service if you post here the things you learned about why you ignored red flags (most of us do at some point, especially when in love and hoping to marry the one we love), what the red flags are, and what other traits of yours at those moments/aspects of the relationship allowed you to stay in it. There are so many of us who have missed red flags even though we are highly intelligent people.

I see an exciting future for you that includes a wonderful, loving, supportive relationship!

Hugs,

lawmax

 

[MissCongeniality]

thank you so much - all of you. Your comments have really helped me a lot. thank you thank you thank you.