Talking about getting engaged - huh??

[sklingem]

Hi LIW and GIW (gents in waiting) -
a while back I got the advice of many LIWs here to talk with my GF about whether and when we want/should get engaged based on my uncertainty with regards to her views/feelings. Since then I have talked to many friends, most of which are engaged/married and it turned out that they did NOT directly talk about this topic before they got engaged. In addition, most asked me "well, how weird/totally not romantic/ruining the surprise would it be to sit down and say: honey, let''s talk about whether we want to get engaged and when that ought to/should happen". Hm. All either mentioned something like "well, you just know"; "over time, you figure it out together/get enough hints etc."; "once you live together for a while you see what the relationship is about ...".

Anyway. I personally (and some may suspect that) think that one can accumulate enough knowledge about the relationship from living together, and/or talking about future plans/how one sees oneself in the future as a couple etc. to gain enough certainty to propose without a "direct talk" (and yes - I am still a big proponent of communication in all domains of life, with rare exceptions).

My question is: How many of you have had such a direct discussion (and how was it?)? How many have not? In what circumstances do you think such a discussion is needed? And under what circumstances may it not be necessary?
Do you regret having had (or not having had) such a direct discussion? Why?

(On a personal note - I was once engaged and proposed (without an "engagement discussion") after two years of dating in mostly a long-distance relationship. When I asked my former fiancee whether she was surprised she said that she wasn''t at all - she (and I) just knew after a few months that this is what we wanted (of course it is different for each couple))

Hope this will be a fun topic to talk about!!!
Cheers,
Rob

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I think it's different for everyone but I personally would be very upset if a boyfriend proposed out of the blue without even discussing with me whether or not I wanted the same thing... I would feel very awkward. That doesn't mean the guy has to say, "Do you want to get married?" straight out like that but some discussion around wanting to be with each other forever or seeing ourselves together long term is a good way of getting at the same idea.

 

[sklingem]

Ilovethiswebsite -
but isn't that the tricky part? I think that there is a lack of a clear definition of what "discussing engagement" really means. Is it talking about future marriage plans? Alluding to wanting a ring? For me a "discussion" is a direct, conscious exchange of ideas on a specific topic (whatever that may be). With regard to engagement, it would be a DIRECTLY addressing (a) whether or not to get engaged and (b) when that will/should happen. The way you describe
"discussion" (and the examples you gave) doesn't really fit with the above (?)
R.

 

[aliciagirl]

I don''t think we sat down and talked about it all in one setting, rather it was small talks as things naturally progressed. Like one day SO jokingly (kind of) asked me if he''d be lucky enough to get to marry me one day. And I said of course. Then we were talking about what we were going to do about graduating and my rotations several months later (LDR) and we discussed moving in together. That lead to a conversation about where we see the relationship going and when we would realistically be able to afford/plan/want a wedding. We then decided that since we''d be planning from another state, we would need at least a year to plan. I said not more than two. And that''s basically where our time-line came from.

SO hinted that it would be before the end of this year. We discussed what I liked as far as rings are concerned and that was that.

While I think sitting down and having such a clinical discussion about engagement might be slightly unromantic, I think smaller discussions along the way would help to know exactly what she''s thinking and feeling about the situation. I mean, it would be way worse for her to say, "I''m not ready, why didn''t you try to discuss this with me!?" and say no than it would be to have a conversation about it.

As far as when to have the conversation vs. when not to: I think that if she hasn''t specifically come out and said, "Yes, I plan to be with you in the future. I want to be your wife. I have these feelings about finances/children/etc. I can''t wait to spend my life with you" then a conversation is warranted, IMHO.

 

[Haven]

I flat-out said to my now-husband that I wanted to talk about marriage with him because we had been dating for something like two or three years and he hadn''t proposed, yet we had discussed having a future together and wanting to get married, so it came to a point where I simply needed to have a frank conversation with him to understand whether or not he was serious about having a future with me.

I don''t regret it at all, but I come from the camp that believes communication is key, and a marriage proposal should never be such a surprise that the woman is shocked that the man even wants to marry her. The actual time and method of proposal can be a surprise, sure, but the fact that he wants to marry? If that''s a surprise, then I think there''s a problem.

 

[Pandora II]

We never sat down and discussed things in an official engagement talk. It was more testing out that our values were in line, that we were compatible with how we handle finances/stress/relatives/illness etc and that we were on the same page regarding future goals.

Since we were both in our early 30''s and all our friends were beginning to get engaged, the subject was a fast growing elephant in the room!

If it hadn''t been for FI really not liking the whole marriage idea, the talk would never have been as we''d have been married a couple of years ago. But we really had to talk through a lot of baggage from his parent''s very messy divorce when he was 14, plus I am his first ever girlfriend.

Even so, the proposal was a huge suprise, even though there was 6 months planing imvolved - plus he wasn''t sneaking around finding out my ring size as he proposed without one!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Personally... I wouldn't like it at all if we hadn't talked extensively about engagement, marriage and the works pre-proposal. (On the flip side, I wouldn't have LIWitis, I suppose, because he wouldn't have created a monster! He started it! LOL)

As for my definition of discussion? For us, it includes things like: children and how to raise them (who will stay home, how many we will have, will we raise them in a particular religion, what our beliefs are regarding discipline), roles/responsibilities (who is responsible for which chores, is he the primary provider, etc), finances (how will we spend our money, how will we save our money, will we combine things completely or still keep some things separate, how will we handle money when I'm staying home with the kids). And just expectations of marriage and what we both think that will entail. As you've probably seen from Fieryred's recent thread on here, not everyone sees eye-to-eye on what it means to be a "wife" and a "husband" -- from things like dealing with the inlaws to even how often you expect the other person to go out with their friends.

We've also discussed rings and our ideas for a wedding. I'm so glad he asked me for ring ideas because until him, I honestly had NO idea what I liked! I have no idea what I would've ended up with but I suspect that I would've been kind of 'meh' about it, had I not been given some degree of input because I am picky. We disagree a bit on weddings (he wants huge, I would be fine with 20 people) but we'll deal with that when the time comes.

To be fair, I'm a planner. Bigtime. I guess that is pretty obvious!

But I would have reservations about getting engaged to someone that I hadn't had these discussions with. Some of the above was hashed out in a non-engagement context. Compared to many of the people SO knows, we'll be some of the last to marry (a function of him being from a smaller town, I think; he's only 26). And in a way I think that has benefitted us too because we've witnessed a lot secondhand that we've then been able to talk about without having to directly make it about 'us'.

So it's not like we ever sat down and had The Marriage Discussion. But we both have a clear idea of where things are headed and what the future will hold for us based on our values, goals and ideals. We have discussed a timeline but some of that is a function of our relationship starting off as LDR. There was no way I was going to move unless I had a darn good idea of what the future held. If we were in the same city, I probably wouldn't have stressed about a timeline nearly as much because there would be less at stake.

 

[FrekeChild]

We've had a direct discussion about it. We've had lots of direct discussions about it. They all have gone very well.
I think that if anyone is thinking about getting married they need to have some idea that the other person wants to as well. We never would have moved in together, we would never be in the financial situation or place in our lives we're in now, and we would never be on the roads academically or career wise that we are now.

I think that it is necessary in all situations to have at least a "Hey do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life together?" Or a "I want to spend the rest of my life with you?" Or a "I want to spend forever with you." or whatever!!!!After you get an idea that your SO wants to be with you forever, then it's not necessary. Until then, hold onto the ring

Really, I don't think it's a good idea to propose without ever talking about the future. What if she's thinking "I don't think this is working out. Maybe I should break up with him." and you propose soon afterwards? How heartbreaking would that be? I think most LIWs have seen that youtube video of that guy jumping out of the box to propose to his GF during a basketball game and she runs away from him and through the tunnel. I'm guessing that he never actually had a conversation with her about the subject and I'm guessing they broke up right then or shortly afterwards.

If she doesn't see a future with you, she's going to say no. You need to find that out first. And I really don't think that anyone here is going to disagree with that. I'd bet that every single LIW has had SOME kind of conversation with her SO about marriage, engagement or AT THE VERY LEAST-the future.

My guess is: She's thought about it. You live together. Heck, you've thought about it obviously! She might as well have too! BUT you won't know if she will say yes until you have some kind of conversation about SOMETHING to do with the future with her. Heck-ask her what you think your kids will look like, or make a comment like, we'd have such beautiful kids, don't ya think? Something! Anything!

ETA: and you need to talk about things like having kids, how many, how to raise them, what religion to raise them with, who to spend holidays with, how you fight, how to resolve fights, how to communicate, how much to save, how to deal with finances in other ways, where to travel, how often, career goals, disfigurement, surgery, illness, old age, how much money to spend on entertainment, etc etc etc. Think about it. I wouldn't have even had a marriage discussion with FF if that stuff wasn't compatible.

 

[Blair138]

I had the talk with my now FI, but it was more along the lines in the beginning of "I can''t wait until we are married" and we both knew we wanted to marry each other then. We were dating for around 1 year then. However, I was still in school and if he would have proposed at that point without the talk I don''t know how I would have felt-taken aback and really surprised to say the least.

We''ve been together for over 4 years and I knew a proposal was coming, just not when, where or how. I think that talking about it is a good thing. For me, there is no point in being in a long-term relationship after a certain age if you do not see it leading to marriage. That age can be different for everyone, but for me, if FI and I weren''t on the same page early on, we would not have dated as long as we did. Talking about it is healthy as other posters said, not just the engagement but about values, kids, etc...I never asked my FI when, where or how, I did not want to know that, but I did want to know we would be engaged. Just my $.02!!!

 

[trillionaire]

SO and I have been dating for nearly 5 yrs, and we just started discussing marriage in May. I ordered an e-book with questions for couples, and it was nice to talk about marriage and related topics as "general subjects" rather than specific "we are talking about our future together" convo. I am a big proponent of an engagement being a surprise, but I also like the idea of a girl giving her input on the e-ring (she does have to wear it forever), OR doing a plain band with an optional setting upgrade budget.

I will say, however, that talking about marriage doesn''t ruin the surprise the way that I thought it would. If you focus more on marriage talk than engagement/proposal talk, it gives you some leeway to understand what she wants/likes, but doesn''t give her too much information about your plans. Honestly, I don''t know how old you are, but when I was younger, I had very few preferences. At 25, I have several, and at 30, I will have more. The older you get, the more I think it is probably smart to have a conversation, because women have had longer to build up expectations of proposals, weddings and rings. Also, I think a ring shopping trip can be a good idea, if done LONG before you plan to propose.

Just my .02.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

We've discussed it several times because he's in the navy, and he was in Japan for three years, so there's no way I would have continued the relationship or moved to his current city without that communication. I don't know when it will happen or even 100% that it will happen. I just needed to know that it could happen or there was no point in me waiting for him to get back to the states or moving near him.

I also know that my friends who lived with their husbands before marriage had a very clear understanding before moving in that "You plan on marrying me, and you will propose to me within about x amount of time."

My uncles who lived with their wives before marriage didn't have a timeline for marriage, but their wives have told me that they did and kept it to themselves.

Other than young people in high school (yikes!) or college, I can't imagine someone's proposing being a surprise. That's kind of weird to me even! Yes the exact time and ring can be a surprise, but the fact that the person is proposing? Talk about being on different pages in a relationship! But I'm sure it can and does happen in whirlwind romances. I've known my guy for six years though, so I can't relate to that sort of thing!

 

[fieryred33143]

Our engagement talk was a gradual conversation. We never really sat down and said we need to talk. It started with talking about children (one of my cousins had just had a baby). We went through talking about how great it is to have children, to how expensive children can be, to the desire to get married before having children. From there we would make small passing comments like if this were my wedding, or at my wedding, or wouldn’t Italy be a great place for a honeymoon. The real conversation, if you even want to call it that, was when my best friend got engaged. She announced it to me and I cried (not in front of her obviously). I didn’t understand why until we talked it through and I realized I really wanted to get married. Since then we’ve had some really fun convos about marriage and some really tense/painful convos about it.

I think that the idea of getting a surprise engagement without talking about it is romantic. But the last thing you want is for her to say no or for her to say yes under pressure. I don’t think you need to do a sit down direct conversation about getting married but at least start talking about the subject of a potential marriage and see where that goes.

 

[appletini]

The surprise isn''t will he ever propose or want to get engaged, the surprise is how and when will he propose...there is a big difference. If you can''t talk about wanting to take the next step in your relationship, then you are going to have bigger problems in the future due to lack of communication.

 

[sklingem]

Thanks for the input so far! It seems to me that the idea of "talking about engagement" or finding out whether/when one wants to get engaged for most people really involves talking about marriage, future plans for a shared life and children, among other things. It also seems to me that "directly" addressing engagement-related things revolves more around (a)the ring designing/purchasing process and/or (b)setting a timeline/deadline for an engagement/proposal AFTER the issue of marriage/future life has already come up or been agreed on.
So far, that makes a bit more sense to me. In my case, we have already told each other that we wanted to spend our lives together, talked about kids and how many we wanted and about future career plans and how they would be compatible (in addition to "checking one another out" with regards to living together, housework, financial responsibility/spending habits, religion, politics etc.). Sometimes it really is difficult to figure out what people really mean when they say "talk about it", so I am really enjoying the feedback here!
Cheers,
Rob

 

[dockman3]

Rob-

Just to give you another guys point of view, yes, we''ve talked about it. In my case, I''ve got a very independent girl that I''m totally head over heels for. That became an issue because she doesn''t want to be "tied down" in marriage, but I''ve got a whole other thread over in the hangout about that. So, clearly, I''ve already got the ring, but I don''t know when to ask her. In our conversations, she has always said we''ll be married in two years, (so fall of 2010), but she doesn''t want anything longer than a 1 year engagement, so I''d have to wait until at least next spring to propose. I''m still toying around with the idea of asking her next month, but I haven''t decided on that yet.

But back to the point, yes, we''ve discussed all of those things and made sure that we work well together and have compatible values and morals and ideas about parenting and financial issues and anything else you can think of. From all of those discussions, I know I''m ready, but she just wants to wait a little bit longer, so we''ll see what happens.

 

[sklingem]

Hey Dockman3 - kind of funny that we are in the same boat! I also have the ring and am waiting for a good time. My GF always says that you need four seasons to get to know someone, so I guess that she would feel more comfortable if we had dated for a year before a proposal. I want to propose on a backpacking trip and we are going end of September, which would be almost the 11 month mark ... or I could wait until May of next year when we are going backpacking in Alaska ... but I am not sure that I want to wait that long! Argh!?
BTW - if your GF wants to be married by Fall of 2010 with a one year engagement, wouldn't that make it Fall of 2009 for the proposal???
Cheers,
Rob

 

[gwendolyn]

People will have different approaches to this sort of thing, but I think the phrase "talk about it" doesn't necessarily (and often doesn't) mean "have one big conversation where you talk about all your future plans from here on out." Some people think that love is enough to get them through marriage successfully, and I happen to disagree with that--I think it takes love, along with strong communication skills (to be able to ask for what you need/want from a partner, to be able to discuss problems instead of throwing up walls and having hissy fits, that sort of stuff), similar financial goals/attitudes (if one person is frivilous with money and the other very stingy, I suspect there will be problems from resentment), thoughts on kids, religion (mostly if it's important to you and/or if you want to have kids, if you will raise them one religion and you two have different ones), and where to settle down even can be potential deal-breakers (like in my case--I'm in an international relationship, and if J ever said, "You HAVE to live in England for the rest of your life, no chance I'll ever think of moving for you," I'd have walked because I need the option of being able to move back home at some point to be happy and not feel trapped). Sometimes, people naturally cover these topics through the course of their relationship, so there isn't anything directly to sit down and discuss except for the engagement ring process itself. I'm a firm believer that it's more than just a gift and that the option to be involved should be offered to the woman, but that's because I'm very much into jewelry and have been window-shopping for my engagement ring for almost 15 years now (I'm old

). J and I are saving up and paying for mine together because it's about us, we want to both choose the diamond and ring together because it's what fits us the best, but I know not everyone does it like that.

Essentially, there should be in-depth things talked about before the engagement process begins, in my opinion. Just going by that gooey-sappy "you're the one" feeling would make me highly uneasy (I wouldn't want to say 'forever' to someone if we're just in the honeymoon phase of our relationship), and I would (and have been) reluctant to get engaged to someone until I have spent ample time together dealing with real-life situations and worries, especially financial ones. J and I have already dealt with a lot since having an international relationship is difficult, but I want to make sure we can handle the everyday challenges before we officially take that next step. We talk about getting engaged all the time, both serious stuff (like finances and settling in which country) and fun stuff (were just talking earlier today about how if we had to have a wedding theme, it should be either dinosaurs or monkeys

), and I don't think that will in any way lessen the wonderful experiences of buying a ring together and him proposing to me.

I can understand wanting the proposal to be a surprise, even though I'm really not a 'surprise' person. But there is no way I'd ever want the whole ENGAGEMENT to be a surprise. If I had no thoughts of marriage and a guy popped out a ring and wanted me to marry him, I'd feel nervous about saying yes and might say so just because I would feel like I should, or because I'd be afraid of hurting his feelings, and not because I was ready. And if I sign on to do something I'm not sure about, it tends to eat at me and eat at me until I get full of resentment for being put in that position in the first place. Hopefully, in that case, I'd just say 'no' and then have a discussion about why I felt so taken aback by it coming out of nowhere, and then maybe work up to a 'yes' after more time and the discussions/experiences I felt were lacking. But, again, I'm not a surprise person.

So, yeah: proposal surprise = good, engagement surprise = not so good.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/22/2008 9:42:32 AM
Author: gwendolyn
People will have different approaches to this sort of thing, but I think the phrase ''talk about it'' doesn''t necessarily (and often doesn''t) mean ''have one big conversation where you talk about all your future plans from here on out.'' Some people think that love is enough to get them through marriage successfully, and I happen to disagree with that--I think it takes love, along with strong communication skills (to be able to ask for what you need/want from a partner, to be able to discuss problems instead of throwing up walls and having hissy fits, that sort of stuff), similar financial goals/attitudes (if one person is frivilous with money and the other very stingy, I suspect there will be problems from resentment), thoughts on kids, religion (mostly if it''s important to you and/or if you want to have kids, if you will raise them one religion and you two have different ones), and where to settle down even can be potential deal-breakers (like in my case--I''m in an international relationship, and if J ever said, ''You HAVE to live in England for the rest of your life, no chance I''ll ever think of moving for you,'' I''d have walked because I need the option of being able to move back home at some point to be happy and not feel trapped). Sometimes, people naturally cover these topics through the course of their relationship, so there isn''t anything directly to sit down and discuss except for the engagement ring process itself. I''m a firm believer that it''s more than just a gift and that the option to be involved should be offered to the woman, but that''s because I''m very much into jewelry and have been window-shopping for my engagement ring for almost 15 years now (I''m old

). J and I are saving up and paying for mine together because it''s about us, we want to both choose the diamond and ring together because it''s what fits us the best, but I know not everyone does it like that.

Essentially, there should be in-depth things talked about before the engagement process begins, in my opinion. Just going by that gooey-sappy ''you''re the one'' feeling would make me highly uneasy (I wouldn''t want to say ''forever'' to someone if we''re just in the honeymoon phase of our relationship), and I would (and have been) reluctant to get engaged to someone until I have spent ample time together dealing with real-life situations and worries, especially financial ones. J and I have already dealt with a lot since having an international relationship is difficult, but I want to make sure we can handle the everyday challenges before we officially take that next step. We talk about getting engaged all the time, both serious stuff (like finances and settling in which country) and fun stuff (were just talking earlier today about how if we had to have a wedding theme, it should be either dinosaurs or monkeys

), and I don''t think that will in any way lessen the wonderful experiences of buying a ring together and him proposing to me.

I can understand wanting the proposal to be a surprise, even though I''m really not a ''surprise'' person. But there is no way I''d ever want the whole ENGAGEMENT to be a surprise. If I had no thoughts of marriage and a guy popped out a ring and wanted me to marry him, I''d feel nervous about saying yes and might say so just because I would feel like I should, or because I''d be afraid of hurting his feelings, and not because I was ready. And if I sign on to do something I''m not sure about, it tends to eat at me and eat at me until I get full of resentment for being put in that position in the first place. Hopefully, in that case, I''d just say ''no'' and then have a discussion about why I felt so taken aback by it coming out of nowhere, and then maybe work up to a ''yes'' after more time and the discussions/experiences I felt were lacking. But, again, I''m not a surprise person.

So, yeah: proposal surprise = good, engagement surprise = not so good.

Ditto that!

Eloquently put, Gwen. As usual.

 

[KimberlyH]

We talked about what it means to each of us to be married, whether or not we wanted kids (a decision we put on hold until after we''d been married for a year and a half), how we''d handle finances, household work, etc. as a couple over time. We agreed on a timeframe for getting engaged (it was something like 6 months) and the proposal itself was left up to him. I can''t imagine not having discussed these things with my DH prior to getting engaged/married.

I was proposed to once before, it was a total suprise, and I ended up calling off the wedding two months before it was supposed happen. I said yes because I wasn''t quite sure what else to say but I absolutely knew he and I were not right for one another (he knew it too, he just wanted to get married) and it was a miserable situation.

Your friends are right, you both know in your own minds, but communication is one of the keys to a good relationship so why not start discussing big, important decisions and all that surrounds them sooner rather than later? As partners in our marriage it was important that we made the choice to get married together.

 

[dockman3]

Date: 7/22/2008 9:37:17 AM
Author: rob09
Hey Dockman3 - kind of funny that we are in the same boat! I also have the ring and am waiting for a good time. My GF always says that you need four seasons to get to know someone, so I guess that she would feel more comfortable if we had dated for a year before a proposal. I want to propose on a backpacking trip and we are going end of September, which would be almost the 11 month mark ... or I could wait until May of next year when we are going backpacking in Alaska ... but I am not sure that I want to wait that long! Argh!?

BTW - if your GF wants to be married by Fall of 2010 with a one year engagement, wouldn''t that make it Fall of 2009 for the proposal???

Cheers,

Rob

Well yeah, technically it would be fall of 09 for the proposal, but I''ll push it up and she can deal with a year and a few month engagement. I''ll just call it a compromise.

Its also funny that you might propose on a backpacking trip in Sept. We are going to Yosemite in a few weeks and are hiking up the Half Dome and I was going to propose there! We don''t have any other trips planned, so I don''t have any other solid ideas for a proposal come next spring. I guess I could plan a trip of some kind, but who knows?

Anyway, I obviously don''t know your situation at all, but you are clearly in love with this girl. However, if she is saying you need to wait 4 seasons, you might want to wait 4 seasons. Dating for one year would have been too fast for me, but my best friend from undergrad proposed to his now wife after about a year and they are perfectly happy. I know you started this post to get advice about talking about engagement, but have you actually talked about it yet? It might not be such a bad idea to just have the long talk about the future and what you both think and work out any potential problems.

 

[Bia]

It was something we both always discussed (he always used to say to me, "You''re my wife, you know that right?") but realistically, we knew we weren''t ready until this year. When family and friends around us (his sister, soon my brother) were getting engaged/married, the topic came up over and over, there was no getting around it.

I can see how some couples take a more whirlwind romance approach (like in the fairytales) to the whole engagement thing, but in this day and age, there are so many factors in a relationship that make things much more complicated--finances, living arrangements, children, education...etc. And I happen to believe that communication is absolutely key--esp. in our relationship, as we are both completely different individuals (personalities, temperaments, and so on).

So yes, we always discussed the possibility but it wasn''t until this year that we knew we were finally ready to make moves.

 

[lala2332]

My BF and I talked about the future in an abstract sort of way for a while. Then we went to a friends wedding earlier this summer and it sort of allowed us to broach the subject again. A bunch of people in our law school that have been dating for less time than we have began to get engaged in the spring, which got me thinking. About a month ago I finally just blurted out one night, and asked if we were going to get engaged. He dated his last girlfriend for three years and they never talked about it, so I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.
It has created some LIWitis. BUt now he talk about it in much more concrete terms. We have looked at some rings and started going for walks in some neighborhoods we like to see what houses are for sale.

I think it was really healthy for us. We are both in law school and are going to graduate in May, so its nice to know that we need to look for jobs together and that we will move in to "our house" after graduation and the bar. For me with so many unknows on the horizons, it was very comforting to know that at least we were on the same page.

 

[redfaerythinker]

We''re long distance and after awhile we ran out of things to talk about. So we started to talk about the future. And then we talked about getting engaged and we opened up the floor for further discussion that way. Hope that helps!

 

[wishful]

My BF and I have discussed it. I personally feel (for me) that I need to have those check point discussions along the way in the relationship...just to make sure that we are both on the same page. Esp in the first year of the relationship when most people are in their "blissfulll euphoria" stage and everything feels so right and so wonderful...it''s nice to check in with your SO and see if they too are thinking about a serious future and wanting the same things. I would say that other than that...it is nice to keep a little romance and spontaneity in the relationship and it''s not always necessary to discuss every last little detail. Just knowing that you and your partner want the same things and are heading down the same road is good enough for me!

 

[JSM]

We never had one ''big'' talk either. The closest we got was when we were thinking about moving in together. Our relationship was pretty new (7 months) at the time, and I said I wouldn''t move in with him unless we intended it to be ''forever.'' He agreed with me, we signed a lease and moved in a few months later. There wasn''t really much talk about the future after that, save one conversation when he asked me if we could get married at X place. I said I loved the idea and loved him, and that was pretty much it.

He proposed a few months after that. I was hoping he would wait another year, but who am I to argue? I said yes. He told me he would have proposed our first Christmas together (this would be BEFORE we had our talk) but he didn''t want to scare me away!

The man knew what he wanted, I guess!

 

[sunnyd]

Gwen - monkeys. For sure.

 

[sklingem]

"Our relationship was pretty new (7 months) at the time, and I said I wouldn''t move in with him unless we intended it to be ''forever."
LOL - my GF said she would only move in with me if we got a bigger couch (she is a tall lady)! Guess I got lucky ... haha!

 

[KCCutie]

Just wanted to share my thoughts on this.

At first we didn''t feel the need to sit down and have a specific conversation. Marriage, kids, finances, living situations...and all that stuff had come up in other conversations and we were on the same page that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

Then I basically had a LIW breakdown. I''m in my early 30''s and we are being lapped by 2 of his closest younger relatives and I just had to make sure he knew that the waiting was getting very hard for me. So we had a talk. I was okay waiting another year (or until we had been together 3 years) but I just needed to know I wouldn''t be waiting in vain. At that point he told me he wanted to wait until after his sister''s wedding in October but he was thinking about it. I felt SO much better! I was so glad we had talked. Then a few weeks later we started talking about moving in together and I always said I wanted to be engaged before we took that step. Now we''re under contract for a house and that is something we never would have done if we hadn''t had these conversations and spelled out exactly what we expected. We both fully expect to be officially engaged before we move into our new home and couldn''t be happier about the way things turned out.

If we hadn''t had "the talk" I don''t think anything would have really changed...b/c of how we are I think all this stuff would have come up anyway. If you don''t feel you need a specific talk to be on the same page with your sweetie then don''t worry about it...but if she has said she wants to date for a year before getting engaged then please do not ask her before the year is up.

 

[MoonWater]

Well I''m not big on a lot of the fantasies that women are known to have. I never dreamed of getting married, I never cared about a dream proposal, I had no fantasies about the dress, I don''t care if I feel like a Princess (because before I even met FI I knew I was a Queen), I don''t want a big wedding, etc etc. The only stereotype I may fit is in regard to the ring. I wanted one that I would absolutely love for the rest of my life because I''m extremely sentimental. Of course that resulted in the very untraditional search where I was involved in the entire process.

All that said, I would NOT want a proposal without a deep discussion about marriage. You don''t just say yes, and there''s this person for the rest of your life. You have to WORK the rest of your life and I wanted to be sure that me and my guy were on the same page in regard to many things that may not come up in typical conversations. We discussed exactly what it would mean for us to be married to each other. How we would handle finances, where would we buy a home, when will start trying for kids, how will we raise them, who will stay home when they are born, what type of school do we want to send them too. Some of these things were discussed in passing years before the enagement was to occur, but when we knew we definitely wanted to do it, we wanted to talk about it. I''m all for love and romance (well romance to a certain extent, neither of us is very romantic...hell I''ll take a clean house over flowers any day), but to me a marriage is like going into business with someone. The owners really needs to be on the same page if the business is going to run smoothly (with the occassional mishap but with the proper tools to address those mishaps) and be successful. Besides, surprises are overrated.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

We had a few very specific talks and if he had asked me without that, I would have said no as marriage, to me, is too important not to be clear on these things.

I didn''t have a timeline persay because we were going to be in Europe for a few month and I knew he would do it there. But had the circumstances been different, if I reached the end of my timeline, I would have proposed to him and gone from there.

Only you know what is best for you, but for me it was non-negotiable. Frankly, if my FI didn''t know me well enough to know we needed to have that talk, he didn''t know me well enough to be my husband.