Tell me why marriage vs. living together/other longterm commitment

[lawmax]

I have my own ideas about this but I wondered if you all would share why you value marriage vs. long-term commitment without marriage. I have been married and that marriage ended in divorce as did my parents'' marriage. This has been the experience of many children so I would really appreciate it if you would tell me why you are choosing/chose marriage. I am especially interested to hear from those who are remarrying and/or are not going to be having children or more children. I would like to hear from those who have a beautiful marriage and those who have stories to share about others they know (parents, grandparents, friends, etc.) who have wonderful, long-lasting marriages.

Thank you,

lawmax

 

[cinnabar]

We didn''t so much "choose" marriage as have it thrust upon us. My husband is English but was living and working in the US; I am English and was living in England when we met . We met online, then met in real life and after much crossing of the Atlantic by both of us, we decided we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. Had we both been living in our own country of citizenship, we could have chosen to live together without marriage. But since I was in effect immigrating into another country, that country required that we be married.

This is my second marriage, my husband''s first. We are in our 40s and neither of us has or wants children. If we hadn''t had to get married for immigration reasons, I would have wanted to marry anyway. Legal next of kin status makes an important difference: the Terry Schiavo case would have been entirely different if Michael and Terry weren''t married.

At 40, I didn''t like saying "my boyfriend", and "my partner" also didn''t feel comfortable to me.

And finally, my husband''s parents were elderly and infirm. We wanted to get married so they could enjoy the wedding before it was too late (they don''t have any other married children, my husbands brother chose longterm living together). My mother in law died just after our first wedding anniversary, which was very sad but made us feel we made the right decision by including her in our happiness.

 

[Tybee]

It''s completely a personal decision.
I am a bit of a feminist. I never thought that marriage was necessary, and never dreamed about it, or planned for it.
I have had several long term relationships. Each one ran its course and each one ended, for one reason or another. Either he or I eventually needed a way out. It actually was not very satisfying. I lived with a boyfriend out of college. Then lived with another, for 7 years! You could call me a serial monogammer.
I didn''t want to do that live-in relationship anymore.
I''m 37 now. I met my future husband 3 years ago. He is not at all what I would have expected I wanted, but he is everything to me. I have had several relationships, now I want to commit to one. I am chosing to get married because I want to make this awesome promise to this person.
Perhaps if I had been married before and it didn''t work out, I might not want to do it again. In my case, I''d lived together before and didn''t want to do it again. I wanted something more. I want to give something more.
I''ll admit, I''m a little scared. I hope that I''m cut out for it. I''m used to being really independent and can be quite a brat. We''ll see, I''ve got my fingers crossed!
I can totally respect anyone who feels like they don''t need to get married to feel committed. It''s a very personal decision.

 

[aljdewey]

I married last year for the first time......one month before I turned 39 years old. We are not having children.

Why did I choose marriage? Because I believe in it wholeheartedly. I believe that marriage is a giving of one's self completely. For me, long-term commitment just doesn't do that. It feels like hedging your bets just in case you're wrong......which means there's always a piece of you that's held back. Marriage is a leap of faith that requires you to believe in your spouse; it's an expression of ultimate trust that says to your spouse "I trust you with my heart and my life." It's a companionship unlike anything else.

At nearly 39, I was certainly aware of how many marriages fail.....but numbers don't tell the whole story. Some of those marriages fail because people:

- Get married too young (maturity-wise, not necessarily age-wise) to fully appreciate what's really important in choosing a life partner; that conversation skills are more important than physical attributes.
- Get married because it's "expected"....because of pregnancy or circumstance
- Get married because everyone else keeps asking when you are going to marry.....or because you think it's what you're supposed to do at that age/stage.
- Get married because everyone else around you is.
- Get married to someone because you're afraid of ending up alone, and you think it's better to at least have *someone* than no one...even if that someone isn't the *right* one.
- Get married because you want children, and you feel you're running out of time.

I'm sure there are a whole host of other reasons, too.

These are my reasons for marrying Rich: I respect him, I admire him, I genuinely like him, I get along with him, we can talk about anything, he's funny, he's intelligent, he makes me laugh, I enjoy his company, we work well as a team, we share common goals and values, we want the same things, we don't want the same things (children, debt, etc), he's handsome......and because he loves me like no other, and I feel that love from him. I believe in myself, and in my judgment to select a lifelong companion. What's more.....I believe in him, and I know he believes in me. And that's just the short list of why I married him.

There are no guarantees in life......every success, business or personal, stems from a leap of faith. Entrepreneurs believe in themselves; some succeed and some don't. Some make sound decisions, others don't. Some have solid business plans; others don't. The fact that some don't succeed doesn't mean *none* can succeed.

I see marriage much the same way: I can't know what went into the decision process for those marriages that didn't make it, and those marriages may have failed for reasons that don't apply me. I can't let the sheer statistics of others' unsuccessful marriages sway me from my belief in a successful marriage....that a sound and happy marriage IS possible. I can't let fear of failure--reinforced by statistics of others who didn't make it--deter me from pursuing what I think is the ultimate relationship, the one between a husband and wife.

The usual disclaimer: Not saying this is right for everyone else.....just what I think is right for me.

 

[ame]

I chose marriage because I liked the idea of having the same last name, being a "legal" family unit. Besides that, I have watched a friend have the unfortunate disadvantage of losing her long-time live-in boyfriend to a drunk driver, after spending 2 months on life support, but she could do nothing to end his artificial life, even though we all knew he adamantly against life support on "lost causes" as he was, by his own definition. Because she had NO legal right to do anything since they were not married, she had to track down his only remaining relative, his grandmother, who was estranged from him, to get legal authority to cut off his life support. His grandmother, who barely knew him, had a hard time doing such a thing, but was really impressed with the strength of my friend for knowing what he wanted, having the courage to actually do it, and know that she got nothing more than good and bad memories out of this. She and my friend became fairly close as a result and until the grandmother died a year ago, stayed in fairly constant contact.

That was a driving force behind my choice to marry. Id have been fine with just being his long-time partner and getting the same blingy baubles as I would getting married. But after witnessing such a horrible and gut wrenching event, I can''t allow Ryan to have to defer to my folks on whehter or not Im allowed to die if forced to remain alive only because of electrical equipment. They ALL know my wishes but sometimes that makes no difference even when written and notarized...

 

[glaucomflecken]

hi!
my fiance and i are choosing to get married for many of the same reasons that everyone has mentioned. Of course there are many legal and financial benefits to marriage versus a long term commintment, such as ame has mentioned. But when FI and I started talking about it its because it just seemed like the next step to deepen our love and commitment to each other. for me personally, taking a vow (esp for me b/c of my religion) to share my life with one person alone feels like the ultimate way i can show my love for him. and just for me personally, i know this is not the idea of many others and i never try to force my opinion on anyone, but FI and I want to share our lives with children and morally for me i cannot have a child unless i am bound within the vows of marriage.

 

[Rockchick]

I'm in a long term relatioship (10+ years) and living together and getting married. We met when we were very young (16 and 19), so there was no talking about marriage, also, here in holland people don't expect you to get married. Although opinions are changing, its basically considered old-fashioned to get married.
We never planned getting married, FI made it very clear that that probably would never happen. I never dreamed about a princess fairy tail wedding, the law here is very relaxed towards people who are not married and have children, own houses together etc, so never gave it a second thought....

Now we are getting married in 16 days, and we are both loving every minute of it! Why we chose marriage? We love eachother, we respect eachother, he makes me laugh, stood right next to me through some of the most difficult years in my life, supports me in every choice i make and vice versa( o, and is veeeery sexy

) but I honestly think not that much will change after marriage (relationship wise), not even legal-wise, cuz we have a pre-nub that divides everything 50/50, (except the appartement)

yes, its probably going to be lot more fun when I can say, "this is my husband", but we have been together a long time, so i already gave him my trust, my love, my heart. I think of marriage as icing on the cake.
I believe in both, long-term relationship AND marriage. It makes no difference to me if someone is married or not. I've seen bad marriages (my parents), I have seen happy marriages, and the same thing goes for long term relationships..

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I chose marriage much for the same reasons as others here. While many have seen how marriages can end bitterly (my husband being one of those who''s seen his parents'' marriage(s) fail spectacularly), my parents have been married for 37.5 years, and still going strong. In fact, my mom says she is more in love with my dad now then ever before. They have weathered disapproving parents, infertility, adoption, packing up and moving literally half way around the world to a tiny country that people didn''t even know existed at the time (Kuwait) with two 3 year olds, stockmarket crashes, putting twins through college, losing parents and jobs, and now to retirement.

Anyone can make it through the good times with someone, but I want to go through those inevitable bad times with the man that I love, because I know I''ll come out stronger for it, and he''ll be there for me every step of the way.

 

[jellybean]

Aljdewey, you are very eloquent! I agree wholeheartedly with what you have said!

I married my husband b/c I too wanted to make that promise and committment to him. For me, living together just wouldn''t do it. I would always feel something is missing. We also wanted children and I didn''t not want to have them not being married.

My husband''s parents are divorced and went through a pretty bitter divorce. His mom is now very happily remarried. He has said he does not want a marriage like his parents have had.

Of course we have had our ups and downs and our stuggles and stresses like any married couple. We now have two toddlers and young children can definitely put stress on the strongest marriage. But I also think our working together as a married couple has made us stronger, and better people.

Between marriage and living together, I think it''s harder for a couple to be married. It''s much easier to walk away if you don''t have that legal commitment in front of you.

I come from a family of long marriages. My grandparents were married 62 years and my other set of grandparents 56. My parents were married 30 years before my dad died suddenly. Not all were happy every single minute, but all had the same common element of being extremely loving, rewarding and fufilling.

 

[JCJD]

I may be only 23 but I have so-called "old-fashioned" ideas. Keep in mind that I''m also an evolutionary biologist, and you''ll all think I''m just screwy.

My new husband and I are Christian. We believe that Christian marriage is the ultimate expression of love and the only relationship here on earth that can be compared to the relationship between Jesus and The Church (the body of Christ followers). We also believe that sex outside of marriage is only a shadow of what God created the marital relationship to be, so we agreed early on in our relationship to wait until marriage. Marriage in its truest form is the ultimate companionship - lover, caretaker, confidant, financial planner, parent, friend.
Now my inner scientist rears its ugly head.

Research (don''t have citations, it was stated in our pre-marital class) has shown that couples who co-habitate are more likely to break up than couples who marry (might have to do with the fact that co-habitation is more common than marriage now, but you see the point). Also, co-habitation is not a predictor of marital success - couples who live together before marriage divorce more often than couples that did not co-habitate. Interesting statistics. Obviously there are couples who live together and have a lifelong happy marriage and couples who didn''t live together before marriage and are now divorced, but there is an overall pattern.
DH and I are both also children of divorce, and I truly believe that divorce was the best thing my parents ever did. Yes it was tough, there was a lot of pain for my family, but God has done amazing things, and my parents were able to put their troubles out of the picture and be good parents to me and my 3 siblings. Both are happily remarried now.
My paternal grandparents have been happily married for 55 years this summer. They truly have a partnership. Even after all these years, you can see how much they adore each other, that my grandfather still sees my grandmother as a sexy woman. They have said that the secret to their marriage is that they work at it, and I believe that is the secret. You just have to find a person who you want to work on it with.

 

[lawmax]

Thank you all for sharing your feelings on this topic. I am all for marriage. I feel that it is the ultimate gift that two people give to each other and it is something they offer nobody else. It''s a sacred union and it feels to me that if, and I qualify this, the reason for living together but not marrying is based on one fear or another, than one or both of the parties is holding back a part of themselves from the relationship. If there is no fear at all, but mutual agreement that living together serves both best, than it''s what''s best (aside from the legal standpoint and IMHO children).

I have seen people with beautiful marriages and though one would think that I would be very jaded at this point, I find that I still have a knowing about how absolutely magical and divine a healthy, conscious, loving, from the heart marriage can be. I know people who are married to more than just their best friend. It is so beautiful to see what some people can create and how sweet the energy is between them. I want my children to live with an example of this very special kind of union so they won''t be afraid to create the same and enjoy it with their families.

I wish you all long, happy, loving, healthy, joyful, prosperous marriages.

It is my joy to read all about your adventures.

lawmax

 

[Matata]

I was married for 22 years. No children. Been divorced 10 years. Will remarry next year. I''ve always believed that if 2 people are meant to be together for life, they will be whether or not they are married. It is the legality issue that motivated me to marry a 2nd time. Simply put, it takes less paperwork and offers more guarantee of security to be married than to try to accomplish the same protections for each other without marriage.

 

[Bagpuss]

We've been married 29 years this August and we lived together for two and a half years before that. I was happy to live together at first but knew pretty soon that I wanted to be married to this man. Why? Lots of reasons, but mainly because I wanted to tell our families, our friends and the world at large that I loved this man and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. No get out clauses, no time limits, no reservations.

All the other reasons - family expectations, social obligations, children etc, while important, were all secondary to wanting to say publicly 'I take this man before all others to be my soul mate'

I still feel the same way.