TGIF---Please tell a joke, and make the day go by faster.................

[jaysonsmom]

Alright, here''s mine have a good day, and a GREAT weekend everyone:

LITTLE PEDRO

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let''s begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said ''Give me Liberty, or give me Death?''"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I''m gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I''ll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we''re in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

 

[strmrdr]

Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser.

Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it''s a
police roadblock!!
We''re gonna get busted fer drinkin'' these here beers!"

"Don''t worry," Earl said. "We''ll just pull over and
finish drinkin'' these beers, then peel off the label
and stick it on our foreheads then throw the bottles
under the seat." Just let me do the talkin''."

They finished their beers, threw the empties out of
sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys, ya''ll been drinkin''?"

"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels.
"Me and Bubba''s on the Patch."

 

[strmrdr]

Why do men''s hearts beat quicker, knees go weak, throats get dry and
thoughts get irrational when a woman wears leather clothing?
--------------------------------------------------------------
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-----------------------------------
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--
-
.

Because she smells like a new truck

 

[strmrdr]

Too much thinking not good

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could
zip through traffic around town.

He probably would have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.


Services are pending......................

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 7/29/2005 3:40:10 PM
Author: strmrdr
Too much thinking not good

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could
zip through traffic around town.

He probably would have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

''Look!'' she said. ''I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.''

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.


Services are pending......................

Oh... that was mean... (but funny...)

All my jokes are dirty jokes. Don''t think they would be appreciated too much here!

 

[strmrdr]

Little Jordan was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He''d been playing outside with some of the neighborhood children for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people sleep on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him he truth. "It''s called sexual intercourse, darling." Then she explained all about the birds and the bees to him in some detail. Little Jordan just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It''s called bunk beds!"

 

[strmrdr]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn''t want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That''s why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it''s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing", our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn''t understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver''s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it''s open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

 

[strmrdr]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that''s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it''s H to O.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn''t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I''m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
____________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father''s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn''t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don''t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother''s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it''s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

 

[strmrdr]

The driver of a huge tractor trailer lost control of his rig and plowed into an empty tollbooth smashing it to pieces. He climbed down from the truck and surveyed the wreckage.

Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than half an hour they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"



The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

 

[strmrdr]

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .

. . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night''s baked beans.

. . . you call your young apprentice, Juner.(JR.)"

. . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.

. . . you call Yoda your Li''l green buddy.

. . . your X-Wing has a still in it.

. . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.

. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.

. . . you use Jawas for drink holders.

. . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.

. . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.

. . . your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.

. . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

. . . you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

. . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.

. . . your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t'' the dark side...it''ll be a hoot."

. . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.

. . . you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.

. . . you count B.O. as a Jedi power.

. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.

. . . you have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

. . . you can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE FORCE.

. . . your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"

. . . you have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

. . . the worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

. . . wookies are offended by your B.O.

. . . you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn''t have to wait for a commercial.

. . . you have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

. . . you''ve got a stuffed womp rat from Begger''s Canyon on your mantle.

. . . you''ve used a storm trooper helmet as a spitoon.

. . . you have ever used baling wire and/or duct tape to make repairs on your landspeeder.

. . . you feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

. . . you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y''all."

. . . you have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

. . . you ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

. . . you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

. . . you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

. . . you use your lightsabor as a bug zapper.

 

[MissAva]

Whats brown and comes in diapers?---
Micheal Jackson (told to me by my little brother)

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 7/29/2005 4:22:55 PM
Author: Matatora
Whats brown and comes in diapers?---
Micheal Jackson (told to me by my little brother)

Eeeeeuuuuuwwwwww! (or at least what used to be brown)

 

[MissAva]

On the Fire Dept sign several years ago just outside of Dadeville AL--> Roadkill if it tastes too strong it has been dead too long.
My mother took a picture of my older sister and I standing in front of it. We tried despreatly to get her to use it as that years christmas card to no avail.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin'' a bad time. I''m agonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his hands and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked "Kin ya
breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her
panties, and licked her rear end. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe again.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it''s sure amazin'' how that "hind-lick maneuver" always works."

 

[strmrdr]

One of the richest men in town was dying and his doctor had only given him a few days to live. Knowing this, he assembled his most trusted adversaries, his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Gentlemen," he said, "I know the old saying goes, you can''t take it with you, but I worked hard to earn my money, and I''m out to prove them wrong. So, I''m going to give each of you a million dollars cash. Before they lower me in the ground, I want you each to place the million dollars in my casket - I trust that each of you will do as I ask."

So the rich man dies, and at his funeral, one by one, the priest, the doctor and the lawyer walk up to the casket to pay their final respects and each one places a large envelope in the casket.

After the funeral, the three of them decide to go over to the local pub for a farewell drink.

After a couple of drinks, the priest could stand it no longer and exclaimed, "Gentlemen, I have a confession to make. Being a man of God, I knew that our rich friend couldn''t possibly use that money from the grave and, well, my church has needed so many improvements for so long that I kept $200,000 repairs, and placed the remaining money in the casket.”

"Your confession is music to my ears, Father," said the doctor. "I, too, have a confession to make. My clinic is far too small and we routinely must turn people away who are in need of care. So I kept $300,000 for the cost of expanding my clinic, and placed the remaining money in the casket."

"If you recall," said the lawyer, "our rich friend called us together because he trusted us to do the right thing and, quite frankly, I''m surprised at your transgressions. I wrote a personal check for the full amount of $1,000,000 and placed it in the casket!"

 

[strmrdr]

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.



When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10."



Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."



Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked

 

[strmrdr]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was
a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman
couldn''t stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I''ve never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it? My husband''s."
"What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse? The woman answered, My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her. A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog? The women replied, "Get in line."

 

[strmrdr]

The Thermodynamics of Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle''s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time, so we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let''s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

"Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle''s Law states that in order for the Temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This yields two possibilities: "1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will continue to increase until all Hell breaks loose. "2) If the volume of Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
the volume of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

"So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman year, that "... it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."

 

[strmrdr]

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real
estate agent which direction was north because, he
explained, he didn''t want the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
east, (and has for some time), she shook her head and
said, "Oh, I don''t keep up with that stuff.". . . . .
.. She also votes!


I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call
center. One day I got a call from an individual who
asked what hours the call center was open. I told him,
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or
Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,
Pacific." . . . . . . He also votes!.


So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our
cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin.
assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her
weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn''t think she''d get sunburned
because the car was moving." . . . . .
.. She also votes!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It''s
designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets
trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . . .
My sister also votes!


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that
the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big
party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2
times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. . . . . He also
votes!


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My
friend said, "Wouldn''t the chain rip out every time
she turned her head?" I explained that a person''s nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which
way the head is turned. . . . . My friend also votes!


My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches
from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk
which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn''t
have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich
was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on
her face and asked, "If that''s the case, why are they
both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this,
the clerk responded, "I don''t think we add tax to
the turkey."
.. . . . The clerk also votes!


I couldn''t find my luggage at the airport baggage
area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told
the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now,"
she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
.. . . The clerk also votes!

 

[Matata]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Fran went
straight to her grandparent''s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Fran told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He''d still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn''t come along.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 7/29/2005 4:43:39 PM
Author: strmrdr
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote ''Revelation 3:20'' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.



When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.''



Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins ''Behold, I stand at the door and knock.''



Genesis 3:10 reads, ''I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked

Hahaha, this one''s cool.

 

[OldBride]

Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy-come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot--
Sniff this and weep
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I
Have made a puddle
I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
Maybe catching rats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do
The cat is not all
Bad -- she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence -- why?
Because it''s there. Because it''s
There. Because it''s there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

 

[JCJD]

I am forwarding a little personal finance advice:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is just so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.



A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, and now was somewhere around $60.00.

The nephew placed a call to Citibank:
Nephew: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Nephew: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Nephew: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Nephew: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Nephew: "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone.

Nephew: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Nephew: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Nephew: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Nephew: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Nephew: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Nephew: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Nephew: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Nephew: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

 

[nutty]

Why men are not secretaries...

Husband''s note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called.
They said Pabst beer is normal.

 

[JohnQuixote]

(OldBride - cheers.)


Cat Haiku

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that

Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.

Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a "term paper"?


We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt.


Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

Want to trim my claws
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake the dead

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in the bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp....

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much"

Litter box not there
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
time for "Cup Hockey"

 

[oldminer]

The very old mother had given birth to four very well to do and successful sons. She yearned for a visit, but each was just too busy to come and see her. Instead they sent her expensive and exotic gifts.

One son sent a Mercedes S600 so she could ride anywhere she wished in style.
One son sent her champagne and caviar every month, so she could eat and drink the very best.
One son sent her gift certificates from expensive Rodeo Drive stores so she could wear the finest fashion.
And the last son sent her a truly exotic parrot that loving people had trained over the last 12 years to quote every single word and verse of the Bible whenever it was asked to do so.

Near the very end of her life, on her death bed, these four sons came to pay their last respects. Each asked her about how she had enjoyed her gifts over the years. She was trying hard to be polite and told the son who had sent a car that it was a wonderful present, but that she rarely went out and didn't have a driver's license for the last 20 years anyway. The son who sent champagne and caviar got a thankful mention but with the comment that alcohol was strictly forbidden by her doctor and the highly salty caviar was a definite no-no as her blood pressure was so high. The son who sent her gift certificates for fine clothes was duly thanked, as well, but she said that she only had worn a housecoat and slippers for the past 12 years and really it was nothing for her. Now the son who had sent the Bible spouting parrot came in to see his dying mother. She told him, of all her sons, she had really enjoyed his gift the very most. He was so thrilled. Then she said the little colorful chicken he had sent her had made such a wonderful dinner which she truly had enjoyed.

Go figure.

 

[mepearl53]

Mom, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? a little girl asked

"No, I don''t think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother..

Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he''s in the garage.

The little girl goes around to the garage and says, "Dad, may i take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you.

Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here"

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog''s rear-end with it. "okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once"

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

"Where is Fifi? her father asked.

"She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home"

 

[bar01]

A joke on why normal people sometimes do crazy/dumb things -

Two men are wondering lost in the desert. They are thirsty and hot. Suddenly – one of the men rips off rips of his shirt and runs right onto a cactus, screaming in pain. The other man is shocked and runs over to help his companion asking “why on earth did you do that?”

to which the other man replies “I don’t know, it seemed like a good idea at the time!”

 

[Diamonds4Me]

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."