The Big Purchase

[Bridesmaid]

I''m not actually as mad as the red angry face. Just mildly annoyed. I''m laughing about it, and I realize I''m being overly dramatic, but that''s allowed here, because we are all under lots of emotional stress, right?

I was talking to my boyfriend last night, and he told me he was looking at dogs. DOGS! And he doesn''t want a mutt from the animal shelter. He wants a full-bred. In fact, I talked to him twice (we''re doing the long-distance thing, which is most of why I''m so ready for us to be married - I''m horribly cheap and think it would be wasteful to live in two different apartments somewhere, but our parents would all disown us if we lived together before we were married) and BOTH TIMES, he was talking about dogs. I think he researched dog breeds for about two hours.

I''ve been trying really hard not to push the being married thing lately, so I just said, "So you think a dog will be your next big purchase?" He said no, "You KNOW what my next big purchase is."

So WHY is he looking at dogs?!?! (Not actually expecting an answer.) I know it''s silly, but it''s like once we decided to be married, I want him to be just as gung-ho as I am, and it doesn''t feel like he is at all. I know he wants to marry me, but he''s nowhere near as excited.

I adore him, by the way. I always feel the need to express that when I complain about him because he puts up with a LOT too.

 

[allycat0303]

Well I think he can look for the dog and the ring too. I figure if he was researching rings, he couldn''t say ''''I was researching your ring!'''' that would ruin the whole surprise. AND maybe the ''''dog search is a code word for ring search.''''

 

[CNOS128]

Men are so weird. I don''t know why they don''t get as excited about engagement as we do. Oh, how I wish they would!!

It''s probably a good sign that he''s looking at dogs. That''s an indication that he''s interested in stability and commitment and maybe a family? People who own dogs have to be responsible for other living beings, which is a very good quality. Maybe it''s a trial run for when you have kids!

 

[jng2b]

Date: 3/6/2008 1:44:14 PM
Author:Bridesmaid
I''m not actually as mad as the red angry face. Just mildly annoyed. I''m laughing about it, and I realize I''m being overly dramatic, but that''s allowed here, because we are all under lots of emotional stress, right?

I was talking to my boyfriend last night, and he told me he was looking at dogs. DOGS! And he doesn''t want a mutt from the animal shelter. He wants a full-bred. In fact, I talked to him twice (we''re doing the long-distance thing, which is most of why I''m so ready for us to be married - I''m horribly cheap and think it would be wasteful to live in two different apartments somewhere, but our parents would all disown us if we lived together before we were married) and BOTH TIMES, he was talking about dogs. I think he researched dog breeds for about two hours.

I''ve been trying really hard not to push the being married thing lately, so I just said, ''So you think a dog will be your next big purchase?'' He said no, ''You KNOW what my next big purchase is.''

So WHY is he looking at dogs?!?! (Not actually expecting an answer.) I know it''s silly, but it''s like once we decided to be married, I want him to be just as gung-ho as I am, and it doesn''t feel like he is at all. I know he wants to marry me, but he''s nowhere near as excited.

I adore him, by the way. I always feel the need to express that when I complain about him because he puts up with a LOT too.

I know this isn''t what your post is about, but this is not a good reason to get married......

Also, I also think that allowing your parents to dictate your major life decisions is a sign that you might not be independent enough to get married.

I know you didn''t ask for advice specifically on these topics, but since you added the information into your post (when it really had nothing to do with the main point of your post), I feel as though these are issues you must be thinking about regularly....I hope you are not offended, but these points just really, really stood out to me as BIG red flags. Again, I do not mean to offend - it is just hard to ignore that section of your post.

I was also long distance with my ex-FI. I highly, highly recommend living in the same town for awhile before getting married. "Real life" in the same town is so different than "long-distance life." Even if you think it is wasteful to live in two separate places, I believe it is a necessary evil in long distance relationships. Please do not jump into marriage just because it is the financially sound decision (at that point in time).

 

[bee*]

The same thing jumped out at me jng! To answer your original post though, I think that he can look up rings and dogs. Just because he''s looking up dogs, doesn''t mean that he doesn''t want the engagement or marriage. Plus as ally said, dogs might be code name for ring.

 

[KCCutie]

Maybe he''s planning on tying the ring to the puppy''s collar when he proposes.

No really you should be glad it''s just dogs my SO''s sister had a fit last winter b/c her (now)FI was looking at buying an expensive semi-automatic rifle instead of an e-ring. I have to say I''d rather have a new pup in the house than a semi-automatic rifle. YIKES. So count your blessings on that one.

 

[princesss]

Look at it this way: he''s researching breeds, which takes a lot of work, because you have to take a lot of factors into consideration. You also have to consider the socialization of the dog, the temperament, and the temperament of the dog''s parents. He''s got to memorize a lot of facts, and consider lifestyle factors in his decision. There''s a lot of work that goes into picking a pet, just like there is for picking a diamond. So he''s proving he can keep all of that information stored up, so you know he''ll be able to keep a lot of info in his head for your ring, too!

I did kind of worry about the getting married so you can live together thing. That''s not the only reason you want to get married soon, right? Or even the main reason?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Who cares about a ring, you might be getting a dog!

Seriously, it sounds like he already knows how you feel about marriage, so I doubt anything is on hold because he''s looking up dog breeds. He''s probably listened to you talk about how ready you are for marriage many a-time, so I''d hear him out on his interest in getting a dog. Also, DH and I spent about 6 months researching an engagement ring, but we spent 2 years researching breeds, interviewing breeders, getting involved in our local newfoundland community (after deciding on that breed) and waiting on our breeder''s waiting list before we even got to bring our pup home (not to mention the years of obedience training, CGC, therapy and water rescue certification, etc. AFTER bringing him home), so it''s a huge decision that requires an extensive amount of research and lots o'' work.

If/when he brings up the dog issue again, you can use it to discuss your future as a married couple. The type of breed you guys will want will be based on the type of lifestyle you''ll have--more active? Live in the ''burbs with a big yard? Live in the city? How long until you have kids, etc.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

As NewEnglandLady said, a dog takes a massive amount of time to reasearch. I know my SO woefully regrets getting a cocker spanial without proper research and it''s a HUGE mistake to make (especially if you believe that you are taking this animal to live in its forever home). We''ve lived with our mistake for over 5 years and we still have at least 3 or 4 years of continuing to live with my SO''s rash decision (a/k/a mistake). Trust me, it''s horribly unpleasant to get a dog who does not jive with your lifestyle.

Let me ask you this, when you take a trip to the mall to shop, can you shop for shoes and a dress at the same time? I bet you can! He can shop for a dog and a ring at the same time too.

 

[Octavia]

My FI started talking about how much he wants a cat a couple months before we got engaged. I didn''t think anything of it, but since then it''s become abundantly clear that he wants us to be taking care of a living creature together. To him, it really symbolizes "let''s do this" (and he loves cats). In retrospect, this should have been my biggest clue that something was up -- when suddenly it changed from "it would be nice to get a cat someday" to "honey, I think we should adopt a cat."

The fact that your BF is talking about this with you is a good sign, especially since he reassured you that you KNOW what his next big purchase is

.

 

[Delster]

Honestly I saw this as a positive thing! Getting a dog together is a big deal

And he has explicitly told you the dog purchase will come after the ring purchase. And for all you know, he''s put every bit as much research into the ring purchase as he is now putting into the dog purchase...

(The only problem for me would be if he is doing this completely unilaterally - do you want the dog too or is he doing this explicity against your wishes?)

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 3/6/2008 3:01:55 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Who cares about a ring, you might be getting a dog!

Oooh, engagement puppy!! I want one of those! A Newfie sounds good to me...

 

[Markie]

I just wanted to put my two cents in on this topic that I am sure Bridesmaid totally didn''t want advice on (sorry!). But I wanted to give another take on it. My parents will be devastated if we live together before being married and I don''t want to waste money on an apartment that is basically for show. My BF and i are not long distance now (we live together for all intents and purposes) but we will be for a year next year while he finishes school. I think getting married before moving in together to make parents happy is not necessarily a choice that your parents dictate- I know mine would never presume to tell me what to do. But I think not living together before marriage will make them happy and show them that I respect them and appreciate their support of us. I am excited and impatient to get married anyway, but this is just a factor that is going to be in our minds when we plan things.

Respecting parents wishes, IMO, is certainly not a sign that a couple isn''t independent enough to get married. if you are waiting to get married to make sure you are compatible and can live together, that is one thing. But to wait because you are not proactive about getting the planning done is different.

That said- I agree with what some other posters have said about his researching a dog shows that he is going to put serious research and thought into big purchases, which is a good sign. It is frustrating not to know whether he is researching rings also and can''t tell you or not getting to it yet. My BF didn''t end up keeping his ring search a secret at all and I (lovingly) nagged him every step of the way.

Bridesmaid, It''s so cute that even when you are mad/frustrated you make sure to tell us you love your BF. Even when you are ranting I can totally tell that you do.

 

[Bridesmaid]

Markie, that''s exactly what I was going to say. M and I lived in the same town for three years; now that I''ve finished school and he hasn''t, we''re long-distance. And I need to proofread better. I write for a living, but ya''ll pick up on stuff really well, and I always need to clarify. If I weren''t ready to marry M, I would be in the right place, and I think ya''ll would definitely tell me. And I''m not offended. I''m pretty new here, but I can tell ya''ll look out for each other, and I appreciate you doing the same for me.

My family is very close, and my parents are extremely conservative. My dad is a minister, and my sister got pregnant before she married my brother-in-law. When she told us she was pregnant, my parents were devastated and questioned their parenting skills for a few months. They''re THE most doting grandparents now, but at the time, they were really upset.

The last thing I want to do is put my parents through any more premarital angst. It will be hard enough for Daddy when I get married. At my sister''s wedding reception, he danced with her and then said, as if it had just occurred to him, "You don''t need me anymore." I''m not supposed to know, but I''m my dad''s favorite; I''m the oldest, and I''m the most like him, and he loves that I still ask his advice. Mostly, I ask his advice not because I need it, but because I know he needs that. My parents don''t by any means dictate my life. But I do respect them, and I don''t think asking us to live apart until we''re married is unreasonable. M''s parents would hate it too, so really, it''s not a winning situation for anyone. We couldn''t really enjoy it knowing that we were hurting all of our parents.

I don''t want to marry M so I can live with him, or for financial stability (he''ll be a zookeeper, and I''m a reporter now and will probably get my Master''s in the next few years - we''re NEVER going to have that). I guess when I say I''m ready to live with him, I mean I''m ready for our marriage. I''m excited about planning a wedding, but I''m way more excited about waking up next to M every day than I am about our wedding day.

As far as when that will happen - that''s the frustrating part. It''s looking like we''re going to be living apart for a while. I definitely want a dog, but I want to know that we can feed it AND ourselves, so I''m not inclined to jump into that. When I thought he was researching a dog INSTEAD of a ring... grrr. But ya''ll are right - good points on doing both. Or SAYING he''s looking for a dog. He already knows everything about animals.

 

[princesss]

Glad you took our advice and concern in the manner it was intended.

I think you''ve got a good point about being able to feed the dog and yourselves, and I''d definitely point that out to him.

 

[sklingem]

Maybe if he wants a pure-bred dog he will also get you an ideal-cut diamond??? Lol
Good luck ... it will all work out.

 

[surfgirl]

I think it he''s considering getting a dog, and you''re both going to be engaged soon, shouldn''t YOU be part of the decision making process on what type of dog he/you get? It''ll be your dog too, wont it? That''s the part that stood out to me...

ETA: I vote Newfie too!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 3/7/2008 1:14:39 PM
Author: surfgirl
I think it he''s considering getting a dog, and you''re both going to be engaged soon, shouldn''t YOU be part of the decision making process on what type of dog he/you get? It''ll be your dog too, wont it? That''s the part that stood out to me...

ETA: I vote Newfie too!

I agree with surf on this...my ex used to do that to me all the time. He would decide to move in with people, he bought a condo without any say from me, and we had been together for 2.5 years and had discussed marriage! It really bothered me that he made several life decisions without asking so much as a question of me.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, but I know that I would need my future husband to include me on such big decisions like this is. Good luck!

 

[Octavia]

Bridesmaid, can you clarify whether his talk is more along the lines of "I''m about to go to this breeder to pick out a puppy" or "I really love X breed dogs, they''re so cute and I really want one eventually"? I was assuming it''s the latter, in which case it could just be that he''s got the puppy bug and is doing research about the breed to satisfy it, not because he intends to get one right away. But if it''s the former, then I definitely agree with surf and sunnyd that it would be problematic to be told that you''re going to have to accept the dog he chooses.

 

[Bridesmaid]

Date: 3/7/2008 5:29:25 PM
Author: Octavia
Bridesmaid, can you clarify whether his talk is more along the lines of ''I''m about to go to this breeder to pick out a puppy'' or ''I really love X breed dogs, they''re so cute and I really want one eventually''? I was assuming it''s the latter, in which case it could just be that he''s got the puppy bug and is doing research about the breed to satisfy it, not because he intends to get one right away. But if it''s the former, then I definitely agree with surf and sunnyd that it would be problematic to be told that you''re going to have to accept the dog he chooses.

It was the "I want one eventually." It didn''t sound like that at first, but it was. He knows I want an English bulldog, and the dogs he wants are all really big, so we wouldn''t be able to have them for several years anyway. But that initial conversation didn''t reveal all that.

And to whomever suggested maybe he''d get me an ideal diamond if he wants a full-breed - I think that''s the case! He''s thinking solitaire because he wants to get me as nice a diamond as he can afford.

I don''t know if I mentioned in this thread or another - he''s an animal lover, so I''m sure we''ll have plenty. His mom wants him to take one of their cats soon, and he wants to be a zookeeper and handraise baby lions and tigers and stuff. So if he gets to pick which large carnivores we have (not when there are children though - he did agree to that) I''m sure he''ll be fair and let me pick a dog along the way.

 

[Smurfysmiles]