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misscuppycake

misscuppycake

Shiny_Rock
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Jan 10, 2008
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So I''m curious, in your relationship, do you make more or does your significant other make more money? What are your thoughts on this? I have been told by my (very old fashioned) mother that it is almost impossible for a relationship to survive if the woman is making more because it causes the man to feel emasculated. Do you think this is true? Is this the case for any of you?
 
I don''t think I''ll ever make more than my FI, but I certainly can''t imagine he''d have a problem with it if I did. In fact, I think he''d love it--that would take the pressure off of him, right?

I think it depends entirely on the man, but I''d say that ANYONE who has a problem with ANYONE making decent money has some issues.
 
my SO would always buy me a small something for getting good grades like jewlery or something and then tell me, ok i''m buying you nice things so that when you have a good job you can buy me nice things too lol :)
 
Mine makes more, but that''s not saying much because I''m currently living off of savings and financial aid. And my parents too.

He''ll make more in the future as well, at least I hope so, because he''ll have his PhD and I still am torn between career ideas and I''ll only have my BA.

He says that men in general probably prefer to make more, but that he doesn''t have the data to back up his thoughts. He suggested a book for me (or anyone who is interested) to read called, "The Marriage Problem" by James Q. Wilson. He thinks I should check it out because I keep asking him all the LIW questions.
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Cuppy,

My SO earns about 75% of what I earn and it has just never been an issue for us. In fact, I don''t even think we''ve ever talked about it. He might not always - he wants to get his law degree which would boost his income dramatically - but it doesn''t matter if he does. We split the rent 50/50 but everything else is random. We don''t share accounts but we each talk about what we have as "ours" instead of "mine," and he is immensely proud that I have done so well. Even his parents (his mom never worked, and they are very traditional in terms of gender roles) know I make more and brag to their friends about it!
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Date: 1/30/2008 11:31:17 PM
Author:misscuppycake
So I''m curious, in your relationship, do you make more or does your significant other make more money? What are your thoughts on this? I have been told by my (very old fashioned) mother that it is almost impossible for a relationship to survive if the woman is making more because it causes the man to feel emasculated. Do you think this is true? Is this the case for any of you?
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Depends on the man, I suppose. I tell my hubby all the time I am proud of him, and he has done extremely well in the last two years here in the US....his pay has pretty well doubled.

I make more than him, and he says he''ll never catch up. But he is in the IT world now, so I think he can definitely make some serious money.

And TGuy likes that I make good money and is definitely proud of me and boasts about me when appropriate. He jokes that he''d like to be a stay at home dad...but we all know that means he''d like to be a full time golfer!!!
 
at the moment he makes more, but just because i am still in school. based on a couple different variables, there''s a really good chance that i''ll be making a little bit more in the future than he does, but not for certain. It doesn''t bother him, he jokes it just means more money in the gigantic old victorian haunted house fund that he wants so bad.

i think the only way it would be a problem would be if two people had different philosophies when it came to money (i.e. one was stingy and the other was a little more liberal) and the person who made more money felt more entitled to do with the money as they pleased and the other person felt short changed and/or out of control of the situation. for example, if the person who made slightly more money wanted to take a vacation and the partner didn''t want to spend the money and refused to go (powertrip for the moneymaker) OR if the person that made less wanted to take a trip and the person who made more refused because they would be contributing more and didnt'' want to spend the money (belittles the other person).
 
My salary is a lot more than my DH''s. But he also does part-time gigs which supplement his income a lot, so sometimes his total income equals or exceeds mine in a given month. So it depends.

But so far it hasn''t been an issue for us. He knows I make more, and I think sometimes he''s glad because it takes some pressure off him.

In my last relationship, it wasn''t so much an issue of money... more of education. I had a B.A and a Diploma at the time and my ex only had a high school certificate. He was jealous of my education and always made snippy remarks about ''educated people''. He also had MAJOR self-esteem issues, so it wasn''t a surprise.

I think a lot of men might feel uncomfortable by the woman making more...but in these days when more women are outsripping men in college enrollment, it''s probably going to become a very common thing.
 
Date: 1/30/2008 11:31:17 PM
Author:misscuppycake
So I'm curious, in your relationship, do you make more or does your significant other make more money? What are your thoughts on this? I have been told by my (very old fashioned) mother that it is almost impossible for a relationship to survive if the woman is making more because it causes the man to feel emasculated. Do you think this is true? Is this the case for any of you?
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I currently make almost nothing because I'm in grad school and working a whopping 2 hours a week at the library, but when I finish school, I will be making more than my SO. After the first year (while I get my UK teaching qualification), it will be a lot more, probably.

In our relationship, I think the danger is more in his feeling like he is 'beneath me' (his words) because he didn't go to uni and I'm getting a master's from Cambridge. I don't think going to university is an indicator of how smart a person is, and he has aspirations to get a degree anyway but just hasn't had the support to go for it until I came along. I don't have any problem with him not having a degree yet and CERTAINLY don't consider him below me, but he seems to stress about it sometimes (usually when he comes down to visit, he says he feels out of place). It concerns me that he talks about it this way.

I think part of it has to do with the social class mentality in England too, where Cam is stereotypically seen as an upper-class sort of place, and he's from Yorkshire, which is stereotypically seen as a working-class sort of place. I don't really know what to do, other than tell him that a degree doesn't equal smarts, and encourage him to follow his dream of getting a degree in history because he told me it's the one thing he would regret not doing.

Sorry for the hijack. Just makes me feel rather
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Right now, as we''re both students but I have been working as a paraprofessional in my ''field'' (libraries/library science) for some time, I make a significant amount more than dear S does. But, I also work more hours than he does, and he takes more classes than I do and does work-study related to his future job (teaching; he''s a tutor right now). Plus, he''s a bit younger than I am, and graduated from undergrad two years after I did. I think, in terms of our career goals, we''re both on a good track. He''s got a lot of different (not necessarily ''job experience'') experiences under his belt that will help him with teaching (study abroad, etc.) and I have stuck with pretty much the same thing for nearly 10 years, so my higher pay is well-deserved (in my opinion).

Theoretically, once I am a degreed professional, I will also be able to make more than S as a teacher, but over time, this discrepancy may even out if he stays a teacher and I go part-time to take care of potential future children. Plus, as he likes to remind me, he will have great benefits and summers off.
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I do make more than my BF, and that''s something we''ve both been aware of since very early in our relationship. We met when he was in grad school. I only have a BA and have been climbing in the professional world since graduation, where he took a lower level job to focus on his graduate degree. I personally have no problem with it whatsoever. I look at it as he has chosen to focus on a different kind of career path than I have, and I know he''ll be successful. That''s more important to me than actual salary figures. I do think he has a bit of a problem with it though, however I think his problem stems more from his own personal situation. He''s really cutting back his spending and focusing on paying off his grad school debt, so he can''t spend as much as he''d like to on certain things right now. He''s doing the right thing, but I think it''s hard on him sometimes.
 
Over the past 8 years, we've gone back and forth as to who makes more, however DH started to make significantly more a couple of years ago and now I think it would be very difficult to catch up. It doesn't matter, I still contribute 50% to all joint expenses because it is important to me.

We both grew up in households where our mothers were the breadwinners. Before we were engaged I made it very clear that I would never be interested in him being the provider, that all I'd ever want in a spouse is complete partnership. Of course, he already knew that. We don't have roles, we contribute equally to all joint expenses and the majority of the rest of goes to the joint account. He helps clean the house and is even taking a cooking course so he can help around the kitchen. This works for us and it's how we want to raise our kids, but every relationship is different.
 
I make about 25% more than my FI right now, and it has never been an issue for us. He''s happy I have a great job and ultimately it means more money for US.

However, my old fashioned grandfather seems a bit intimidated by my success and never really asks about how work is going because his version of success is making a great potroast or making the bed.
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It''s interesting to see different perspecitives from different generations.

On the other hand, I have observed when a woman makes a lot more money than the man, to some people, the guy is considered a moocher. Thats so odd.
 
I make significantly more than SO does. We both started off right after school in the same field (engineering), but I then moved into the IT world and ended up doing fairly well comparitively. It isn''t an issue for either of us, in fact, I think he kind of likes it
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Great thread!
 
BF makes more than me because, well, I make almost nothing. And in my chosen career I will make literally nothing for the first three years. So there''s no prospect of that changing any time soon. Depending on how things go, I could well outstrip him in time. He tells all his friends that I''m his retirement plan! But BF has amazing motivation and drive and I wouldn''t be surprised if he ended up a lot more successful than he thinks he will be. In the past I have made virtually what he''s making now even though he has a PhD and I didn''t.

I think a lot of men have a deeply ingrained need to provide for their loved ones and many of them quantify providing in terms of money. They work long hours to make more money and often do not recognise that the hours they spend with their family is also ''providing'', and deep down they don''t believe their partners who beg them to spend less time at work and more time at home. It''s hammered into them to provide money and things, not time. So I don''t think it''s that they resent their women for earning more, it''s more that they feel inadequate in themselves for not being ''the provider''. I suppose that is emasculation? But I believe if you are both aware of it and talk about it then it can be avoided. And a lot of men do recognise that ''providing'' doesn''t just mean money - my BF says he would love to be able to be a stay-at-home Dad and he is deadly serious.
 
At the moment D makes more than me as I''m only working part time as I''m in college. Once I graduate from veterinary I will be making pretty much the same as D (architect). I will probably earn a bit more than him once I''m working for a few years and then he''ll catch up again once he''s a senior architect. It doesn''t bother him at all that I might make more than him-in fact it''s the opposite-he loves telling everyone that he''ll be a kept man
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interesting question...my husband says that he'd LOVE for me to make more than him so that he can 'stay home and raise the kids'...hahaha. he even tells everyone this as well. but inside, i think that really, he wouldn't be quite so jazzed. well unless i made so much that he could stay home and live a total life of leisure hehee.

in fact, this year i got really close to him in terms of bringing home the bacon...and whenever i would joke that i was making more than him, he was like NO you're not and he'd be like 'don't forget my bonus' or whatever.

he also has multiple degrees and an MBA from the top school in the US...so he feels like he SHOULD be making more than me or anyone else without those multiple degrees or MBA. whenever he hears about people who don't have an MBA and make close to what he does, he is always a little cranky. it's a mind-frame that i find interesting...being raised here in SF Bay where an advanced degree means not remotely close to what it does in other states. here you have people with no degree making more than those with 2-3 degrees. it just depends on what your specialty is and how in demand you are. but he's from the east coast where that advanced degree from a top school should mean so much more than it does here.

really he will probably always make more than me just based on the function of his job & the fact that he is 6 years older than me so he's that much further in his career, but it's been kind of fun to mess with him about it this year and be like AH HA so you really wouldn't be all that jazzed if i made more than you eh?!?! he still doesn't want to totally admit it.
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the way i look at it is if we both are bringing in top dollar then that's just that much more we have to sock away for the future...so i see it as a win win for our family. and i think overall he does too but sometimes that old mentality that he was raised with might rear it's head and be like knock knock, why did you get that advanced degree? hehee.
 
My bf more than doubles my yearly salary which at times is annoying since I''m the one who busted my butt through college to get a degree and he just started right out of high school and over the many years has done extrememly well for himself without the "higher education". I''m just jealous because I wish I could get to his income bracket!
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Very proud of how motivated he is and how hard he works.
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I think he would be ok if I made more..
 
I, for a short period of time, was the money maker in our household - and that didn't go over too well with BF. Thank goodness for his new job with nice big bonuses every month, so he can be the one making more money, which I don't mind at all, because that is going to enable me to cut back part time and go back to school to get my degree. (I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up!)

I think the primary reason he felt upset (for lack of a better word) about this was because of how his family history has been. Both father and grandfather (both of which inspire him greatly) were the bread winners, and the mothers stayed home with the children and essentially never had to work a day in their life (not saying that raising children isn't more than a full time job in itself - I mean going out of the home and working for salary). I've thought about this and I think he felt like "less of a man" because I was making more and he wasn't able to contribute as much, so things were tough. When in actuality he was doing what he loved (and starting out wasn't getting comission - just part-time pay) and just had an awkward few months when he was getting himself acclimated to his job and clients. I have no intentions of being at stay-at-home mom - like his mom and grandma - because I want to contribute to things, have that experience, and not solely rely on him, and he's aware of that. I'm happy taking the back seat to him as far as earnings - and he's gaining that satisfaction of being the primary provider.
 
I make about twice as much as my FI, and during our entire relationship I have made more. He doesn''t really care because he pretty much gets supported/spoiled. He pays half of the rent, but I pay for all of our food/entertainment and most of our bills. He pays for a few bills and is paying off his student loans as well.

My mother makes more than my dad and always has and they never had an issue with it. I guess that''s why it seems normal to me.

FI has more career aspirations than I do, and I think he thinks someday he will make more than I do, which I couldn''t be happier about. I''d be thrilled to be able to work just to support the income instead of being the primary source of income. I still have no idea what I want to do as a long term career though (even though I''ve been out of college for 4 years).

I think, as someone above stated, as long as money isn''t used as a power source or a coercive thing then it shouldn''t really matter. It completely depends on the people though. Not only is it possible for the man to feel emasculated, but I''m sure there are some women out there (somewhere? maybe?) that feel like they should be taken care of and wouldn''t want to stay in a relationship with a man that couldn''t provide for them (or some such idea).
 
He makes a little more than me right now, but we both have projects on the side, so it's a coin-toss as to who will end up with the higher salary. Does he care? Nope.

I like to tell him that I'm going to be wildly successful someday and he can stay home and take care of the kid and the pets. He just smiles and says "Ok. That would be nice."

As an ambitious lady, I'd be wary of being with someone who would feel threatened by my success.
 
We go back and forth depending on what time of year it is. I have a salary job, and he is a home theater installer, so it''s hourly, and hours vary day to day. Per hour, he makes more, and from November to February he makes way more per month because it''s the holidays and he works crazy overtime.

In the long run, I''ll definitely pull ahead, and I think that bothers him a little because he doesn''t want to be an installer until he''s 60. In both of our families, mom stayed home and didn''t start working (part time) until the kids were teens. He wants to be able to provide for us and little ones. An old school mind that I''m trying to help modernize.
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I don''t think it matters, as long as things are taken care of.
 
My FI has always made more than me. Before I went back to school, I worked for a nonprofit, which I loved but which scarcely paid the bills. Now that I''m back in school, I''m relying on financial aid while he has a well-paid professional job. If I end up getting the kind of job I''d like after school, he''ll still make about twice as much as me (as opposed to about 6x more before) if he keeps the job he has. However, there''s a good chance he''ll give up this job to do what he loves instead, in which case he might still make more than me but at least my job would be stable, pay a very live-able (if not extravagant) salary, and provide great benefits. So I think that eventually, it will even out.
 
FI makes a little more than me, but not much. Over time, I''m likely to outstrip him. My guess is he couldn''t give a rat''s a@@, although we''ve never talked about it. Especially if I buy him a nice steak dinner now and then.
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I guess if a man is insecure or ultra traditional it might be something that bothers him. I have no real experience with this at all, but that would be my speculation. I am sure most men would like to be totally fine with it, but for some men, over time, if their ego is not strong...let''s just say it might upset them.
 
oops, double post.

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I asked my FI about this today, and as I suspected he said he''d love it if I made more than him. He said that would mean we could ferret away a ton of money every year and retire early. Who wouldn''t like that?

Alas--I have two master''s degrees and FI has one and an advanced certificate, so we''re pretty much even on the education front. But my problem is that I became an educator. I just checked my school''s salary schedule for this year--you don''t even make anything in the LOW six-digits until you have 19 years teaching experience and two master''s degrees. Just 14 more years to go for me . . . (I don''t even want to think about it. Hmph, that''s depressing.)
 
So far there are no issues. We bring different things to our marriage.

Currently I make more money - 64-66% me, rest is him. I''ll probably make more for the next year, then him when I go to grad school as he''ll be the sole earner, then me after I finish grad school but five years from now he''ll probably permanently make more money than I will.

We both picked our careers because we like them, not for their earning potential. We also picked each other because he like each other, not for the other person''s earning potential. Not that there aren''t day I want to marry a rich, workaholic surgeon ;)

To be honest, I''m surprised that in this day a man can feel emasculated by what they do or don''t do in comparison with women. What about just doing it and getting on with it?
 
Date: 1/31/2008 10:49:56 PM
Author: Haven
I asked my FI about this today, and as I suspected he said he''d love it if I made more than him. He said that would mean we could ferret away a ton of money every year and retire early. Who wouldn''t like that?

Alas--I have two master''s degrees and FI has one and an advanced certificate, so we''re pretty much even on the education front. But my problem is that I became an educator. I just checked my school''s salary schedule for this year--you don''t even make anything in the LOW six-digits until you have 19 years teaching experience and two master''s degrees. Just 14 more years to go for me . . . (I don''t even want to think about it. Hmph, that''s depressing.)
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That is hysterical! Your teacher salary schedule gets into SIX digits??? Wow, we are in a different cost of living!!!! I have a master''s and 20+ years, and my salary, if I were full time, would only be about $50,000! Thankfully, my husband makes a lot more than I do!
 
I''m just finishing medical school, so next year I''ll finally be making some (little
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) money after many years of accruing debt. So for the time being, hubby will continue to make more money than I do. After my training is finished, it is pretty unlikely that he will make more than I do!! I tease him about it frequently, but in the end it’s OUR money and OUR future, so it’s a good thing for both of us IMO. When it actually happens, we’ll see how he feels. However, I truly believe he will be fine with it.
 
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