The Dress--How Much Is Too Much?

[Haven]

ETA: SORRY, I POSTED THIS IN THE WRONG FORUM. MESSAGED ADMIN TO MOVE TO BWW.

Okay, gals, I''m sure some of you remember my bit of dress drama. Basically, I found a dress, fell in love, bought it, and then when it came in the hem was messed up beyond repair so I''m back at square one with a refund and no dress.

WELL, my first love was Melissa Sweet''s Dora, which I first saw when Jas12 was married, but decided to go with a more affordable dress and found my first dress at David''s Bridal for about $900, but that didn''t work out. I just booked an appointment to visit Priscilla of Boston tomorrow to try on the Dora again, and now I''m wrestling with whether or not I should spend 3 to 4K on a dress.

Our financial situation has changed since we started planning the wedding. FI and I were originally financing our wedding all by ourselves. We''re adults, we''ve been on our own for a while, and we just didn''t feel right asking for any help, and frankly, we can afford a moderate wedding. Well, recently our parents stepped in and insisted that they contribute, which is overwhelmingly generous. They are so wonderful to do this--my parents gave us $10,000, my "second mom" who is closer than a close family friend gave us $5,000, and FI''s dad is going to pay for our photography, videography, and band (which amounts to nearly $9,000). Like I said, I''m overwhelmed with their generosity. They all got together and decided that they want to contribute, and came to us and said "Here it is! Take it, we won''t accept a refusal. Have the wedding of your dreams." I still can''t believe it.

SO, before we even knew about this I was planning on going to POB to try on the Dora again, but now that we''re getting all of this support I''m feeling guilty about spending so much on a dress--as in, I''m guessing our families wanted us to save our money for our future together, not spend more on luxury items. On the other hand, we''re financially secure, and we would have been able to pay for the wedding without any help, so a part of me thinks I should get the dress I want because I put myself in a position to have the extra money for special things like this by living frugally for so long.

What do you think? If you spent a few thousand on your dress, did you regret it? Am I being a brat for thinking about buying the Dora when our families are contributing to the wedding? Am I so deep in all this wedding planning that I don''t even realize how crazy it is to even consider spending several thousand dollars on a dress? I''m looking for some perspective here, obviously, and maybe even a bit of enabling.

Thanks, ladies!

 

[Harleigh]

Hi Haven,

I have been following your dress drama, and again, I am soooo sorry you are having to go through that!

As for getting the dress of your dreams, I say go for it! My FI and I are in a similar situation as you originally found yourself in, with absolutely no assistance from anyone else, but with no hopes of it coming down the pike, either.

I frugally purchased dresses on ebay and found one that will work, but if I had help with the budget and no fear of dipping into it unnecessarily, I would definitely be trying on some fancier gowns, so I say go for it...if the Melissa Sweet Dora is the one for you, you deserve to make yourself as happy as can be on your big day without feeling guilty!

I kind of regret not going out and having the "trying on" dress experience with my girlfriends, but I think I haven''t done it because I am afraid that I truly might find the dress of my dreams, and then not be able to afford/have it. One of my bridesmaids lectured me the other day about just being too damn practical and that I needed to just go find the dress of my dreams...I wanted to ask her if SHE planned to chip in for that venture, but managed to hold my tongue!

I see David''s Bridal is having their $99-$299 sale again, so I might go check that out, but I think I may just have to settle for my ebay bargain, even though it''s not my dream dress.

So, with all that said, please go get the dress you love, and don''t worry about what others contributing will think. It''s your wedding, and you deserve it to be everything you could hope for! Hope that helps!

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi Haven,

Well, I absolutely love couture clothes and have a closet-full of Prada, Dolce, Steven McQueen, Yves St. Laurent, etc... all of which I bought at an extreme discount from factory stores, outlets, etc. I love when something you wear is part art/ part clothes. It just gives me so much pleasure. But at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to spend $1000 for a blouse. So of course I wanted something really special for my wedding gown but... had trouble wtih couture gown prices. I went to Sak's and a couple of other high end retailers and tried on some stunning gowns. My favourite was an Elizabeth Fillmore that was about $5000. I could have done it, and my mom would have kicked in a chunk of that. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

So instead I bought a couture gown that was once-worn (and my Nicole Miller number at 70% off for WP2). I scoured consignment shops and sample shops, and found something perfect.

If you want something gorgeous, but don't want to spend many 1000's (because, really, think what else that money can be used for... a wonderful vacation... three years off your mortgage... immunizing 1000's of children who would otherwise die...) why not check out sample shops and consigners?

You're near Chicago, right? There are a tonne there. White Chicago is a great one. www.whitechicago.com 312-397-1571. They have the same chi-chi atmosphere as an upscale bridal salon and really know what they are doing. There are a tonne of other ones in Chicago too. Just google it and you'll see.

The thing is, if you take a couple of days to see what's available that way, you may find something you love just as much (or more) than the Dora for a fraction of the price.

For me, looking fab and feeling wonderful on my wedding day is important, because clothes are important to me. But 1000's is too much for something I'll wear once. So, samples / once worn is the way to go to have it both ways. I have my Stephen Yearick couture gown for which I paid $800 instead of $2800 and I'm happy!

 

[MustangGal]

I don''t know what your wedding date is, but do you have enuogh time to order a designer dress? A friend of mine ordered a regular Mori Lee $600 dress in August and the arrival date has been pused back from November to January! Just make sure you won''t be cuttung it too close.

The Dora is a completely different style than your other dress, are you sure it''s what you want?

 

[sap483]

Hey Haven-

POB in Boston is having a Melissa Sweet Trunk Show Jan 10-14th. I think you could call them and order the Dora and receive 10% off. That doesn''t reduce the cost by too much, but it''s something. As for whether you should spend 1000''s. If you aren''t going to have to sacrifice necessary things, then there''s nothing wrong with treating yourself to a really nice wedding gown. You have after all worked really hard, and have made sacrifices so that you could be in the financial position you''re in. However, I also know how hard it is to part with that kind of money when you have worked that hard to save it. Especially for something you''ll only wear once. Would you consider selling your gown after the wedding? With the Dora, I''m certain that you wouldn''t have trouble selling it- and probably for at least 50-60% of what you paid for it.

 

[ang3199]

Haven: I say do whatever makes YOU happy. You only do this thing once and you should do it right!

If you have the money to get the Melissa Sweet gown, do it!

I''m afraid that if you settle for a second favorite gown (if you find one, now! haha) that you won''t be happy. What if you look at your pictures down the years and wish wish WISH you were in the Melissa Sweet?

This is just my two cents, but if money is not an issue (soooo great of your parents and future in laws to help out!) go for it!

 

[Aloros]

You can try comparing it to something similar in cost, but more practical. Would you rather have this dress or new furniture/$$ towards a downpayment/nicer television, etc.?

There are always going to be more practical things you can spend your money on, but you also have to consider what is going to make you happy! If you get the Dora, are you going to be wishing later that you saved the money for something else? Or are you going to look back at your photographs and think "This was worth it!"?

I''ve spent money on things that other people might consider "crazy" (like plunking down $1000+ for a kitten), I don''t regret it, and I''m happier having done so! Don''t worry about what other people will think. Worry about what YOU will think.

Still want it? Then go get it!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This is such a tough question because it is so personal. I am a cheapskate by nature, it''s just who I am. DH is the same way, so when we were planning our wedding it wasn''t really about what we could afford, it was about what we were comfortable spending. The bottom line was that on our wedding day we didn''t want to be thinking "I can''t believe we spent $xx on one day!"

So I guess my advice is to get a dress you love, but if the price tag is going to make you feel guilty then that''s not what you want. I think that you should try it on and when it is on, ask yourself "Is this dress worth $3,800 to me?". If it is, then that''s great! If it isn''t, then you can keep looking!

(For what it''s worth, my original budget was $3 - $4k because I had no idea how much dresses were, then became elated when I found dresses I loved for under $2k. Then when I found out JCrew sold dresses that were relatively inexpensive, I kicked myself. Naturally, the day of the wedding I was elated with my dress and decided a wedding gown was completely worth it and was glad I bought what I loved--my only reason for adding this is to add that regardless of the price, you should love it!)

 

[bee*]

I think if you''re happy with it and you''re not going into debt to buy it, go for it. Personally, I''m going to try and keep my dress under 1000 euro if I can and when I go to NY next week, I''m going to have a look at a couple of consignment stores while I''m there. However if I find my dress and it''s pricier, then I think I will be happy to go for it.

 

[Harleigh]

LOL, Haven...I forgot to mention that I am cheaper than cheap, and am always looking for a deal or a bargain.

I guess the point of my earlier post was that I wouldn''t mind spending a bit more on a dress I LOVED, but I also don''t think I could bring myself to spend thousands of dollars on a dress I will wear one time.

I would probably go up to $500 or so and tutor every extra chance I get, which is usually at least two days a week, as well as have another jewelry show in the spring for the beaded jewelry I make, but I might decide that I just couldn''t part with the money, I don''t know.

I seem to have a knack for saving up money for something big, then deciding I really didn''t need it in the first place...I just hate that my friends think I''m being too practical about my ebay dress and that I am not in love with it.

That probably wasn''t much help any more than my earlier post, now was it??? Sorry...

 

[basil]

It''s a hard decision, and it''s one I struggled with too. I ended up with a dress around $2k, which I would consider moderately expensive, but still a long ways from the $5k dresses that I considered.

The way I thought of it - 30 years from now, neither your wedding dress nor the extra $2k will really have all that much significance for you. The money and the dress will be long gone and more or less forgotten.

So it''s really about what you want now and in the near future. Your dream dress, or that extra money in your bank account - to spend on a honeymoon or jewelry or something else.

You say you live frugally - if this is what you really want and you can afford it, you should go for it! I don''t think anyone here would begrudge someone for spending an extra few thousand to get the ring/earrings/diamond jewelry that they want, so a dress is really no different.

 

[Haven]

Thanks for all of your replies, ladies!

Harleigh--I LOVE your eBay dress, I remember when you got it! (And if I recall correctly, you''ve found more than one dress on eBay, right?) In fact, I almost wrote a different post titled "Harleigh--Help me find my dream dress on a budget!" Seriously. I envy your shopping skills. I found dress #1 during David''s Bridal $99 sale, they actually do have a lot of nice gowns, just don''t get one that is all tulle at the bottom, as they admit that the hems are always uneven!

AND--I tutor and make beaded jewelery, too, Harleigh! You sell your jewelry? That''s great, do you have any pictures of your pieces? It''s funny that you mention the tutoring because I said to my FI that the dress would really be covered by the stipend I earn from coaching the Speech Team at work, which is "fun money" that I don''t even budget and either save or use for something completely unneccessary.

I also do what you do with the saving up for big things and then deciding that I don''t need them. In fact, I do that with almost EVERYTHING I want to buy. I go home, think about it, and look around and realize I don''t even want it.

IndyGal--I love both of your dresses, when you posted pics of your longer gown (silver, ruched if I recall) I nearly fell out of my chair. I love the shorter one, too--are you going to wear a hat with that one? It is stunning! Thank you for the Chicago consignment store recommendations, I''m actually going to call a few tomorrow and see if I can squeeze in some shopping before my appointment with POB at 3.

Mustang--Good point. Our wedding is in six months, so I''m not sure if I have time to order a designer dress. That would certainly make my decision a lot easier. I know the Dora is completely different, the truth is that dress #1 is pretty much as far from "me" as you can find in a dress, which was part of the appeal, but if I''m honest, I''m actually a bit relieved that I''m going to end up in a different dress. That probably sounds horrible, but I''m a bit happy that things worked out the way they did.

Sap--I love the trunk show idea, if I still love the Dora I will DEFINITELY do that. 10% off is better than nothing, right? We definitely won''t have to sacrifice anything if I buy the Dora, it''s just that spending so much goes against my extremely cheap nature, so it feels very strange. I would definitely sell the gown after I wear it, I don''t see any need to keep it--is there?

Ang--Thanks for your enabling, I mean, support!

I''m starting to feel more comfortable with the prospect of getting the gown simply because I can and I love it.

Aloros--Congrats again on your engagement! You''re so right, there is always something more practical, yet it''s what I think that matters. Now I just have to figure out what I think.

NewEnglandLady--I''m a cheapie, too, I really am, which makes this so hard. Thanks for sharing your dress story, I''ll have to figure out how much that dress is truly worth to me.

bee*--We won''t be going into debt, I have a strict no-debt policy, so that''s good news! Enjoy your trip to NY, I hope you find a gorgeous dress while you''re there! (I''ll be looking for pictures . . . )

Thanks again, I really appreciate having so many different points of view on this, as I''m obviously struggling.

I think this is what I''m going to do--I''m going back to POB tomorrow to try on the Dora. I won''t buy it, I swear. I''ll go to some consignment stores as well, and then another bridal salon which sells designer gowns is having a sample sale on January 13th, so I''m going to go to that, as well. After going to all these places I should have a better idea of what I want. (Or maybe I''ll be more confused?)

Thanks again! I''ll keep you posted!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Haven, this is coming from someone married long ago (and another teacher), but I just wouldn't spend that kind of money on a wedding dress. I bought a sample dress when I got married and it worked just fine! I haven't even looked at the pictures in years, and I am sure no one but me even remembers what my dress looked like! There are just a lot of things you could do with that money that would last longer than a day, and I am betting you would look just as beautiful in a $500-$1000 dress as you would in a $5000 dress!

I think IG's idea of samples or consignment dresses is excellent! When my girls get married, that is where I'll be taking them!

 

[teetee]

Hi Haven. My first instinct is to tell you to get the dress at the trunk show since you love it so much but then after a second thought, that just seems like so much money to spend on a dress...even though you can afford it. It sounds like you are a very practical person and may regret spending that much after the fact, even though you love it so much. I am very practical as well and would rather spend the difference of that money on some jewelry that I could be worn throughout your life vs. a dress that will be worn one time.

 

[goldenstar]

Every bride has different priorities. I think the Dora is completely reasonable given your circumstances. Yes, you will only wear it for one day. But the dress will also be seen in photos for years to come. If you have the means I say go for it.

 

[Haven]

DS and teetee-THANK YOU for your advice. I think I needed to hear some practical, grounding advice in addition to all of the WONDERFUL enabling that I've gotten already!

Thanks Goldenstar, I totally agree with you, too! UGH!

I feel like I'm struggling with two very distinct sides of myself right now:

- Practical Haven says This is insane. Who are you? What happened to the girl with the strict budgets who scoffs at overindulging? The Haven who recycles tissue paper from gifts and would rather go for a hike than go shopping on Michigan Ave? Where did she go?

- Bride Haven says I WANNA WEAR THE DORA! It's so purdy! I have the money because I forego all the little luxuries (lunches out, Starbuck's, weekend trips with the girls, those REALLY hot skinny jeans that made me look like so tiny) so I WANT THAT DRESS!

You see, ladies, I think this is perhaps really an issue of split personality disorder rather than a question of which dress to buy?

 

[sera]

Your family said, "have the wedding of your dreams." If that dress makes the wedding of the dreams, if it were me, I would feel comfortable getting the dress in a situation like yours. I would certainly try on similar, less expensive options or try a trunk show, etc. like was suggested, but if it comes down to loving nothing as much as this dress, I would seriously consider getting it.

 

[goldenstar]

Haven-- after reading your last post I really think you should get the Dora. You''re obviously not the type of person who throws money around left and right. You deserve to splurge on yourself every now and then. This is the perfect opportunity!

Its totally normal to feel guilty. Since you are so good all the time, you should reward yourself.

 

[dani13]

Go with the dress of your dreams, Haven. You only get married once, so you dont want to have any regrets. I can hear where you are coming from re: not wanting to over-indulge, but if you think about it, weddings are crazily expensive and indulgent no matter how you look at it!!!! I am probably the opposite from you in that I *never* feel guilty about indulging myself, even on a regualr basis (lol!) Its good to do at intervals...we all work hard, so we deserve it!!!

So, I say go for the Dora....its obviously the dress you really love....You wont be able to do the day over again, remember that... I spent a lot on my dress, and I never regretted it one minute. I absolutely loved it, the only sad thing is that I was only able to wear it for 10 hours!! But it was so worth it, because I never felt in my whole life the way I felt that day in that dress...it was a wonderful feeling that I will truly never forget!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Haven!!

No more advice from me, I just wanted to wish you luck today and tell you to HAVE FUN!!! I don''t think you can make any decisions until you try the dress on--who knows, you may not even like it on you OR you may see it on you and say "This is IT!!". Be sure to bring a camera and we''re all here to support you no matter what you decide!

 

[Linda74]

Have you looked at any Maggie Sottero gowns? I recently went shopping with my daughter, who is very picky and I thought would want Vera Wang, and she ended up falling in love with a Maggie Gown. They are made beautifully and so many styles....and her gown is only $1000

 

[sunnygirl]

Haven, you should go for your dream dress! You deserve it! You are in a totally lucky position with your family''s generosity - they want you to have your dream wedding and the dress is certainly part of that! I went to two dress salons and I figured out pretty quickly that my dress was unfortunately not going to be inexpensive. There are exceptions of course but there are differences in the material and construction of the more expensive dresses vs the less expensive dresses. Anwways, I ended up getting a Melissa Sweet gown and every now and then I think to myself, did I really just spend that much money on a dress i will wear once? But it just felt right. My FI and I are basically paying for our wedding. (We are borrowing most of the money from my mom but we will pay her back.) So i hope I don''t regret it but I don''t think I will and I don''t think you will either.
By the way, my mom asked our salon consultant if there was any way she could give us a discount and she gave us the trunk show price of 10% off even though it wasn''t during a trunk show and she didnt charge for the custom hollow to waist measurement so it doesnt hurt to ask for a discount.

Good luck!!

 

[FireGoddess]

I don''t think anyone can tell you how much is too much for you, because ''too much'' is a different thing to everyone, and in the end, even if the dress is ''too much'' but you simply must have it, then you''re going to get it anyway, right?!

I only paid $350 for my dress and I have never regretted it once. My SIL paid $3.5K for her dress and is still trying to sell it 2 years later, and can''t even get anyone to bite for half price. I just think that''s WAY too much for a dress you wear once, even if you can afford it. There are always other expenses, like a mortgage, car, etc. So for me, it''s way too much.

But I''m not you. You might place more importance on your dress than I did. So should you get the dress? I think only you can answer that.

 

[Haven]

Thanks for all of your words of wisdom, ladies! I went to Priscilla of Boston today (dress pics) and didn''t buy a dress, but definitely fell in love. I''m going to think about it for a bit, and bring my best friend to the salon on Sunday to get her input.

Firegoddess--I love your blingin'' avatar! Has it always done that? I recently got a new laptop, have I been missing out on those sparkles this entire time?!

 

[Pandora II]

I''m a HUGE bargain hunter - and I won''t buy anything unless I get at least 75% off. I haunt Ebay almost as much as PS!

When I first got engaged I swore I wouldn''t spend more than £200 on my wedding-dress. Hey, my evening dresses cost less than that and they all look pretty good.

Then I started looking at what you get for £200 in the UK and re-adjusted my thinking. I also clocked up what I was spending on photography etc etc and that this is the one day of your life where everyone notices what you wear. I want to look at the photos when I''m 80 and think - wow, that was an amazing dress.

Prices here seem to be about 50% more than they are in the US, so I then got major sticker-shock!

I had a look at my sister''s wedding dress the next time I was at my parents. It was a Sassi Holford and cost $2k in 2000! My mother paid 50% of my sisters and agreed to do the same with mine.

In the end I decided that if I was going to spend a fortune on a dress, I wanted something totally unique. I found a dress designer here in London and she''s making me a bespoke dress similar to one of the creations Anne Boleyn wears in The Tudors. She''s charging me around $2.4k for the sewing costs and I''m buying the fabric - ivory and gold silk damask - which will probably cost around the $1k mark.

Now I''ve startd on the project, I don''t feel bad about a penny of it.

I say go for it!