The Gifts We Don''t Need Problem

[sydneycasandra]

Our ''weddingmoon'' is in the end of May, and we''re having a reception the first week of June so we can celebrate with all our friends and family. It will be pretty wedding reception-y; I plan to wear my dress, we''re going to have a cake, etc. I imagine most people will bring gifts. Here''s our difficulty- we live 80 miles apart and will continue to do so for the first 2.5 years we are married. We both own our own houses, and have at least two of everything (blenders, cake plates, all that traditional wedding gift stuff.) The only things we really need are BIG things; like new screen doors, wood flooring, to build a porch; stuff like that. Things you obviously can''t give as wedding gifts unless you''re rich.
How do we go about telling people this in a tactful way; that no, we really don''t need hand towels or anything of the sort. I know a lot of couples face this issue, but it seems that since we have two households and aren''t combining them anytime soon, we really are pretty set on stuff. (What we really need, however, is money! Or diamonds. J/K.) I don''t really care if people bring gifts or not but if they do I don''t want them to spend their hard earned money on unneeded and no-place-to-store-them potentially unreturnable gifts. I feel awkward registering for money to pay for our honeymoon and other such similar ideas. I would honestly rather not receive any gifts so people don''t waste their money but have no idea how to say this; and I do admit receiving gifts (especially of the green sort) would be something of a nice perk.

Any ideas?

 

[selflove]

Does Home Depot or Lowe''s have a wedding registry? I know that sounds goofy, and if they do, I''m sure a lot of the items will be pretty pricey. People will then either pool their resources to get you big gifts or give you gift cards. At least it will be useful to you and your husband.

Have you thought about looking into a department store for registry? I kind of felt the same way as you ("We don''t need any of this stuff, we already have a household.") but we spent hours in Target and lo and behold, we actually found so much stuff we could use.

 

[qtiekiki]

I don't know if this is tacky, but maybe you can register at stores where you can return the items for cash instead of store credits. So then you can take the cash for the gifts you don't really need and do whatever you want with it.

 

[sleeping beauty]

Hi Sydney,

I''m actually a LIW, but i think i might be able to give an idea. Since i''ll be having my wedding abroad and obviously wont be able to bring back all the gifts we''ll be registering in a bank where my guest will be able to make cash deposits in any amount they wish. In my country, it has become very customary b/c of all the destination weddings. Just something for you to think about. Hope it helps.

 

[flopkins]

you can always include a short line on one of the invite inserts, "your presence is gift enough"

But, a friend of mine posted this on his wedding webpage: " Although all we ask of you is your presence, if some of you feel compelled to grace us with a gift we would very much appreciate a financial one." Which I thought was a very nice way of putting it.

I have to admit, I disagree w/sleeping beauty and think it''s in poor taste to ''register'' at a bank... if someone I knew did this I would be incredibly offended! if your guests are going to attend a destination wedding, I''m sure they''re intelligent enough to not drag gifts across the world, and send them to your house ahead of time... or even afterwards! In fact, if my guests were footing the expense of attending a destination wedding, I wouldn''t expect gifts at all!! Of course, etiquette might dictate differently depending where you are.... but JMHO

 

[sydneycasandra]

I like the cash-deposit idea in *theory*, but I don''t think that the crowd of people that will be coming to our wedding will have the same feelings about it. (Although I am personally into "practical gift giving" myself- when my best friend from HS had a baby, I didn''t bring her cutesy bibs and clothes, I brought lots and lots of diapers.)

I do like the idea of registering at a store where things are easily returnable- but wouldn''t you still need a receipt? Maybe some place like Macy''s... because then we could buy clothes (something else we actually could really use but not really something to register for- "Oh gee, thanks Aunt Jenny, for the khakis!"

Is it rude to just return things- won''t people ask about them?

Thanks!

 

[Caribou]

The thing about registering is that whatever you buy you can't return for cash. So I would either just register at Home Depot or Lowe's (which I believe you can do now) or don't register and either people will buy you a gift (which you could return for cash, or they will give you money. OR just not register at all and tell the MOH and/or your parents to let anyone who asks to either go to Home Depot or just to give a monetary gift.

Is it rude to just return things- won't people ask about them? I don't think so. I mean, any Bride is bound to get something that's a duplicate at her shower and need to return it.

 

[eks6426]

I had a similar problem to yours. I was married in July 05. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. Although we did move in together after the wedding. We had 2 households of stuff to put into my already packed house. We had the most tremendous garage sale ever in Aug 05.

We truly didn''t need more stuff. We told key people that we didn''t need presents and let them spread the word.. We didn''t register anywhere. If people asked we told them just to "bring themselves." It turned out that we got a decent amount of checks plus a lot of gift cards for restaurants. I really don''t think I''d register for stuff I intend on returning. You never know when Aunt Gertrude will inquire about those China placesettings she got you.

 

[JKohio]

We didn''t need a lot of little things either, since DH & I each already owned our own homes. We did register at Sears for household stuff (including a gas grill that we got -- several couples went in on it). Sears carries all kinds of home/garden tools, lawnmowers, patio furniture, large & small appliances, etc.

With the Home Depot registery, I have heard that the in-store registry & online registry are separate. Check on it! I hope I''m wrong. That would be a pain for guests to deal with, IMO.

Bed Bath & Beyond has a fantastic return policy, & you do NOT need a receipt. You''ll get cash back. Something to consider if you decide to go that route. Their registries are also easy to maintain online, & guests can easily purchase online or in-store & have gifts shipped to whatever address you provide. On their website, one of the options you can select as a gift is a ''gift card''. Maybe you could toss a few of those into the registry & use them later, as you decide to upgrade stuff you already have.

Good luck!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 2/23/2006 9:09:16 PM
Author: qtiekiki
I don't know if this is tacky, but maybe you can register at stores where you can return the items for cash instead of store credits. So then you can take the cash for the gifts you don't really need and do whatever you want with it.

Bed Bath and Beyond does this.

ETA: Oops, someone already mentioned it.

Also, the Home Depot registry was a big huge pain in the behind when we tried to do it. They didn't have guns or anything and wanted us to write down everything. We ended up leaving.

 

[selflove]

I think if you don''t register anywhere, people will end up giving you money. That''s what I would give if I were a guest and they weren''t registered anywhere.

Makes me want to rethink those registries we got going at Target and Macy''s...

 

[sydneycasandra]

Wow... you guys have given me some great ideas. I think I may pass on the Home Depot since it did sound hard to use, but I like the Bed Bath & Beyond idea. Also we could register @ Macy''s for small, lightweight, easily portable (returnable!) items and then exchange them for store credit to use on clothes and stuff.

I think that''s what we will do. Thanks for the great ideas!

 

[gingerBcookie]

We''re not registering. Vietnamese custom is to give money at weddings which works out great for us because we don''t really need anytihing either. I HATE HATE HATE it when people go off about how ginving money is tacky or the dollar dance is tacky etc... First off, these practices have roots in somebody''s tradition/culture...who is anybody to judge?

It annoys me when ppl are so small minded that anything they don''t do themselves is considered WRONG.

And secondly, what is this aversion to money? How is that different from gifts? How is receiving a gift and returning it for cash "better"? To me its more work and on the deceitful side. My side of the wedding of course is accustomed to just giving money at weddings. As for his side and our friends, when and if they ask, we just say that the VIetnamese custom is this, however if you are uncomfortable with this custom, we will enjoy/be thankful/grateful/happy with what ever you choose to gift us with.

 

[sydneycasandra]

Can I be temporarily Vietnamese, just for a day? PLEEEEEASE?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

We usually just give money because it is easier for us (no shopping, gift wrapping, easy to travel with) and I am sure perfered by the couple. However, I do think that some people LIKE to give gifts. I would hate to not register for anything and end up with six toasters from six different stores where you can''t return. I think you have a great idea about registering at macy''s and using the credit for clothes, or things you really need.

 

[XChick03]

Date: 2/26/2006 11:21:23 AM
Author: gingerBcookie
We''re not registering. Vietnamese custom is to give money at weddings which works out great for us because we don''t really need anytihing either. I HATE HATE HATE it when people go off about how ginving money is tacky or the dollar dance is tacky etc... First off, these practices have roots in somebody''s tradition/culture...who is anybody to judge?

It annoys me when ppl are so small minded that anything they don''t do themselves is considered WRONG.

And secondly, what is this aversion to money? How is that different from gifts? How is receiving a gift and returning it for cash ''better''? To me its more work and on the deceitful side. My side of the wedding of course is accustomed to just giving money at weddings. As for his side and our friends, when and if they ask, we just say that the VIetnamese custom is this, however if you are uncomfortable with this custom, we will enjoy/be thankful/grateful/happy with what ever you choose to gift us with.

I think the dollar dance is adorable and I''m doing it just because I think its fun.

As far as registering for stuff, my FI and I already have all the household stuff so I think we''re going to register at Target. You can register for pretty much anything there. And I think the only reason people don''t like to give money for wedding presents is because 1) its impersonal (or so my mom says) and 2) you''d know exactly how much they gave you and some people don''t like that idea. They''d rather find something nice for $20 than just give you $20 because then it might seem like they spent more money. Not that anyone should care.

 

[WTNLVR]

I agree with the above. We always give gifts, never money. Could be an age thing too- we are in our 40''s. On the plus side, we got some really hideous presents that we returned when we got married. But, 17 yrs later we still get great laughs when we think about them! The classic was an aweful looking vegatable dish with carrots on it. Forever after referred to as "the carrot dish" LOL. My BIL just got married and to be honest, 90% of guests gave cash even though they registered. I wouldn''t worry about it too much.

 

[qtiekiki]

Date: 2/26/2006 11:21:23 AM
Author: gingerBcookie
We''re not registering. Vietnamese custom is to give money at weddings which works out great for us because we don''t really need anytihing either. I HATE HATE HATE it when people go off about how ginving money is tacky or the dollar dance is tacky etc... First off, these practices have roots in somebody''s tradition/culture...who is anybody to judge?

It annoys me when ppl are so small minded that anything they don''t do themselves is considered WRONG.

And secondly, what is this aversion to money? How is that different from gifts? How is receiving a gift and returning it for cash ''better''? To me its more work and on the deceitful side. My side of the wedding of course is accustomed to just giving money at weddings. As for his side and our friends, when and if they ask, we just say that the VIetnamese custom is this, however if you are uncomfortable with this custom, we will enjoy/be thankful/grateful/happy with what ever you choose to gift us with.

I don''t think people think it''s tacky to give money; it''s when the couple is asking for money that people think it''s tacky. Of course, it is customary and common in a lot of Asian cultures. It works out great for us who are of those decent because we get cash without having to ask for it. On the other hand, it''s not a common practice in American traditions and cash is not usually expected (although it seems to be becoming more common); to specifically ask for cash just doesn''t seem like the right etiquette. Even though DH and I are both Chinese, we weren''t comfortable telling non-Chinese guest that it''s Chinese custom for guests to give cash. At least for those of us who are of Asian decent, we have the option of mentioning cash gifts as our custom. For others, they don''t have that option.

 

[lilmaria]

Of all the family weddings I''ve been to, I''ve never seen any gift - only money. We give the gifts at the bridal shower - to which each woman invited to the wedding attends and provides a "house gift" that you''ve previously registered for. I don''t like engagment parties b/c I think that''s asking too much of your guests to give you an engagment gift ($), bridal shower gift and ultimately, a wedding gift ($).

I would ask for gift cards to home depot or lowes or cross my fingers for cash. good luck. I''m still a LIW myself. Can''t wait to have your problem...lol

 

[tanyak]

As someone else mentioned, the money vs. wedding gift thing is very regional. I'm from the south, and I would say that 90% of the time, people give actual wedding gifts. There is always a table set up at the reception for that very purpose! But since being on wedding site for the past two years, I've learned that people in the Northeast tend to give cash for gifts (and a lot of it!

)

My fiance and I have lived together for eight years, and we're in the same boat. We really don't need household items, cash would be nice. A lot of people say we shouldn't register, and people would get the hint and give money. But I don't think that would happen -- I think we would simply get a lot of "generic" gifts such as towels, picture frames, sheets. We've decided to register and go for the upgrades on things we already have.

(quote) They'd rather find something nice for $20 than just give you $20 because then it might seem like they spent more money. Not that anyone should care.

I can actually under that line of thinking, although like you said, no one should care.

 

[gingerBcookie]

Date: 2/26/2006 6:38:04 PM
Author: XChick03

Date: 2/26/2006 11:21:23 AM
Author: gingerBcookie
We''re not registering. Vietnamese custom is to give money at weddings which works out great for us because we don''t really need anytihing either. I HATE HATE HATE it when people go off about how ginving money is tacky or the dollar dance is tacky etc... First off, these practices have roots in somebody''s tradition/culture...who is anybody to judge?

It annoys me when ppl are so small minded that anything they don''t do themselves is considered WRONG.

And secondly, what is this aversion to money? How is that different from gifts? How is receiving a gift and returning it for cash ''better''? To me its more work and on the deceitful side. My side of the wedding of course is accustomed to just giving money at weddings. As for his side and our friends, when and if they ask, we just say that the VIetnamese custom is this, however if you are uncomfortable with this custom, we will enjoy/be thankful/grateful/happy with what ever you choose to gift us with.

I think the dollar dance is adorable and I''m doing it just because I think its fun.

As far as registering for stuff, my FI and I already have all the household stuff so I think we''re going to register at Target. You can register for pretty much anything there. And I think the only reason people don''t like to give money for wedding presents is because 1) its impersonal (or so my mom says) and 2) you''d know exactly how much they gave you and some people don''t like that idea. They''d rather find something nice for $20 than just give you $20 because then it might seem like they spent more money. Not that anyone should care.

Yeah...i do get that impression too...BUT, when you buy gifts off a registry, the couple know exactly how much you spent anyway, so what''s the difference?

Or when you go return a gift you didn''t want int he first place, you end up finding out how much they spent, either in cash or store credit. Skewed thinking in my opinion, but whatever.

Mainly, my problem is with ppl who just spout off about how they think this or that is tacky and look down on other ppl for doing something they don''t agree with. A lot of this stems from reading some knot board

-- yeah there are some real winners there...lol.

 

[snlee]

JKohio and aphisiglovessae, where does it say you don''t need a receipt for returns and you can get cash back at BB&B? Have you done this personally? I tried looking on their website and found this "We gladly accept returns or exchanges at any of our store locations nationwide. Please remember to bring the original packing invoice. Without this form, you may receive an exchange or merchandise credit." This pertains to purchases made online. I can''t find anything about returning gifts from your registry. Thanks.

 

[saturn]

snlee-
What they told me is that when people purchase registry gifts, since the registry is scanned with the purchase, the purchase price is kept in the system so you can return stuff without a receipt and get cash back. The manager said that happens for most registry gifts (but possibly not all).

 

[JKohio]

We were told the same thing as what Saturn said when we registered. Luckily, we didn''t have to return any of our gifts, but it was comforting that we had the option (I was worried about getting duplicates).

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 2/28/2006 4:51:31 PM
Author: saturn
snlee-

What they told me is that when people purchase registry gifts, since the registry is scanned with the purchase, the purchase price is kept in the system so you can return stuff without a receipt and get cash back. The manager said that happens for most registry gifts (but possibly not all).

Same here Saturn. Also I think you have up to a year to return things which is really nice. I think they only give cash back up to a certain amount but I am not positive.