The Nerve Of My FMIL!!!!

[Class n Sass]

My FI and I were having a silly convo the other night and somehow a convo he had with his mom came up. It seems as though he was talking to his mom and she mentioned that she was concerned about his school debt and him being able to control his wife''s spending. I immediately stopped talking and had him repeat the statement because I couldn''t believe my ears. What does she mean about controlling his wife''s spending???

So naturally I asked him what she meant but I can''t even remember what he initially said. We hung up and I sat for a little while and started to get really angry. I called the FI back and expressed my feelings. He told me not to worry because the comment wasnt directed at me. That it was more directed at him and he knows his mom didn''t mean it in a negative way toward me. He went on about how his mom loves and talks and brags about me any chance she gets.

He said that she made the comment because he daughter is still paying credit card debt from her wedding which was 15 years ago. I''m sorry but if you are still paying debt from your wedding 15 years ago it means you made some really poor poor choices and shame on you! That is not me at all. I couldn''t fathom doing that. Also her brother was married to a woman that charged up all the credit cards and got a lot of cards he didnt know about. He is now divorced from her and re-married but is still paying for things his ex-wife did. I am also not her brother''s ex-wife. My FI said that it is just a concern of hers. She is concerned for the situation. I was like what does that mean??? I really felt like it is none of her business and that she had alot of nerve saying anything. The fact that she is saying that she is concerned about him controlling my spending is really what annoyed me. We are entering a union that is not about control and I felt like that is implying that I am out of hand and a child that needs to be controlled. It really bothers me because she does not know me very well.

She also doesnt know much about how the wedding is being paid for. She knows that we are having a large wedding that is costing alot of money but I am saving money to pay for it. My family is also helping. Also she looks at the clothes that I wear and assumes that I like to spend money. The fact is that my FMIL and FSILs along with the other women in their family are nothing like me at all. I am a very girly girl so to speak. I grew up as an only child and feel like I was very privileged. Therefore everything I do or wear that is the norm for me is extravagant in their mind. Part of it stemmed out of the fact that she told my FI that she is not going to be able to pay for the RD. So he told her not to worry about it, that he will handle it. Now my FI is graduating from med school 3 weeks before the wedding so she knows that he is living as a student which means he doesnt have alot of money to spend. My FI thinks that she may be thinking that I am planning a large wedding and charging up his credit cards or taking out extra school loans. This couldn''t be farther from the truth.

Also I was annoyed because I don''t need to judged as someone whose spending needs to be controlled because of the things I like. Before I spend anything my retirement plans and all my other savings accounts are taken care of. At 25 years old I know that I have more money put aside for my future than she does at 60 years old. She has not been a very involved mother in his life. He was basically raised by his father with his sisters. She has never reallly worked and now at 60 years she doesn''t have much. I hate to say this but I only see this problem getting worse as my FI becomes more successful in his career. I feel like as we have more money and we spend on things that seem extravagant to her that she will have comments to make.

I am actually very surprised because I have never ever gotten this vibe from her. She has been nothing but nice to me. I guess I would be naive if I thought the family never had convos about me. That''s how families are, especially families of mostly women. All in all I told my FI I dont want to know these types of things. He apologized for telling me and said that it kinda slipped out. Had he been thinking he would have never mentioned it to me. The good thing is that he is not a mamas boy who divulges alot of info to her. So that right there will eliminate her meddling.

Am I overreacting? Has anyone ever experienced this before??

I believe that most

 

[iheartscience]

Yikes! That''s a bummer!

Not to dismiss your very valid concerns, but if she''s always been nice to you and never given you bad vibes (I''m a big believer in vibes-I can always tell when someone doesn''t like me!), I would just chalk it up to the bad experience her brother had and let it go. It sounds like she is from a different background and doesn''t understand that you can have nice things and pay your bills, too. And a confrontation with her will most likely only harm your relationship.

Since you said your future husband isn''t a mama''s boy, I''m sure he''ll stand up for you if something like that comes up in the future. And I''m sure he won''t let anything else slip, either!

If she does make a comment to you directly, I would probably just fake smile and say "Yes, I like nice things, but don''t worry-I always pay my bills first!" or something similar to diffuse the situation. If she does it repeatedly, I would definitely break it down for her, but until that happens, try not to worry about it!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I am very sorry you''re feeling sour right now about your FMIL...I''m pretty sure it happens to everyone at one point or another, but when it happens to you, it can feel like the end of the world.

When I first started dating my husband, I really felt like my MIL didn''t like me. It hurt my feelings in the worst way, because I always did my best to nuture a relationship with her. I was very sensitive to everything ... and while sometimes the things she said were intentional, other times I took things to personally and painted myself in my own emotional corner.

But, I suddenly realized that, we both love the same man ... and she wants what is best for him, just as I do. And I think thats something you need to consider in your own situation. It sounds like your Fiances'' Mom just loves him, and wants the two of you to have the best possible future you can. Maybe she phrased her fears in a negative and hurtful way, I bet she wasn''t even thinking when she said it the way she did (now, ask yourself...has this ever happened to you? Probably so!). And, lets be honest, if her other children have run into money-issues, then her fears aren''t without merit. And considering her son just graduated Med. School, she probably is just having the same assumptions a lot of other people would have too about overspending, student loans, and avoiding credit-ruin.

I would put my anger to rest (easier said than done, right?). If you''re seriously bothered, and feel like your relationship with your MIL is secure enough, I would confront her. Involving your fiance could feel like pitting yourself against your MIL and making your fiance pick sides

. Explain the conversation you had with you husband, share with her your feels in an open and candid manner...allow her to voice her fears and concerns to you, and -- to the best of your ability -- lay them to rest for her sake.

I also wouldn''t put your foot down on the "I never want to hear anything she says about me". That is your future husbands family you''re talking about....flip the situation and ask yourself how you would like to be on the receiving end of that comment?

 

[D2B]

I agree with Italianhaircolour, unless there is a lot of other history between you two, that is negative, I would leave it alone and move on. Her fears for her son and by default your spendiing, are real, given her other children. Of course, you two are not the same as the other couples, but being a mother, i am sure she cant help herself and worry. I think she just said something and it came out the wrong way, unintentionally. I know there have been times when I have said something and in hindsight, I have thought arghhh,

, that has come out so the wrong way.

I would continue as if normal, realise she will have fears about money, given the rest of the family, and leave it at that.
Not easy, but what other options do you have, other than causing stress and conflict at this stage.

good luck

d2b

 

[Pandora II]

Personally, I wouldn''t worry too much - it''s a parent thing.

My parents have grilled me on various aspects of my FI - his spending/saving habits, debts etc - despite the fact we are in our 30''s and have our own home and been independent for the last 15 years or so.

I think it''s because they have never forgiven themselves for not stopping my sister marrying her husband. Although they know FI and my relationship is the complete opposite and we are super-compatible, they are dreaming up all the possible scenarios to reassure themselves.

I would see it as her caring about both your futures and not as a comment directed personally at you.

If you otherwise get on great, then just let it go - once you''ve had a good vent in private!

 

[Class n Sass]

Thanks! You all have made me feel so much better. I never had the intention of confronting her on the issue because I don''t want to make a huge deal out of it and turn it into something else, but I HAD to vent! I plan to continue to treat her as I always have and maybe it did come out the wrong way. However like some of you have said if this kind of thing comes up again I will say something in polite manner especially if she says it directly to me. At the same time I don''t feel like I need to tell her about my spending habits (ex: me paying my bills on time). I just don''t think it''s much of her business. But I guess that''s just me.

 

[decodelighted]

I can sure understand why that comment would upset you

... but I ASSURE you it has way more to do with HER experience and HER habits than ANYTHING to do with you. You can kind of take part of it as a complement really -- that you have nice taste in things!

SO many times in life what people think about OTHERS is really what they think/worry about THEMSELVES. She''d probably have the same "fear" about anyone that your FI married so def. don''t take it personally.

It sounds like you have your head on straight about finances and though its none of her biz a coping mechanism in this situation COULD be for you to drop some knowledge on her. When she complements you on an extravagant item you could say "Thank you, I saved for it for XXX long -- and, of course our retirement accounts come first" ... just for a while to demonstrate some of your values. People don''t always assume the best about people ... while you absolutely don''t "owe" her any justification etc re: anything you buy or how you guys spend your $$ .. just a word or two, or comment or two re: financial responsiblity could go A LONG WAY to easing her mind (without really invading your privacy .. yanno?)

Good luck!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think everyone here understood the why the comment hurt you, and it is perfectly alright to vent...

That was the one lesson my best friend (also married) taught me....

Scream bloody murder if you must in private,. vent and rage and stomp your foot...But always think of her like you think of your own mother, which means you must cool down and forgive and love and respect unconditionally...

 

[Class n Sass]

Decodelighted.....my FI said the same thing that you did. My FMIL would have the same concern about anyone that he marries and not just me. For some reason I just couldn''t believe it when he said it...lol. I also agree with you on the fact that I don''t have to justify anything to her...ya know?

This afternoon FFIL brought a similar convo with my FI. He said that we shouldn''t go into debt for a wedding that will last a few hours. He mentioned his daughter who is still paying her for wedding 15 years later. My FI let his father know that we are not going into debt and that any money being spent is cash that we have been saving. I asked him why didn''t they advise his sister when she got married 15 years ago since this seems to be a big thing with them. He said that they told her not to do it but she didn''t listen and told them not to worry. Now 15 years later she regrets going so big with it.

I just can''t help but hate the fact that I know I am being judged on some superficial things. My spending on this wedding is such a big deal to them. It has caused me to re-evaluate myself and think about if I am really going overboard and I really don''t think I am. What I find to also be funny is that they haven''t stopped adding people to the guest list even though they think the wedding is costing too much. And really they don''t even know the exact cost and I don''t plan on them knowing. I haven''t asked any of my in-laws for any monetary help whatsoever. I think that they feel I am spending their son''s money in a way that they don''t agree with or in a way that they see as being frivolous. The truth is my family is contributing and I am saving like crazy. My FI is a student as I mentioned before and really can''t contribute a whole lot so I don''t know what money of his they think I am spending. I guess they are assuming it''s his credit cards because he did mention charging one thing to his mother.

 

[Independent Gal]

Could your FI sit down with them and explain the budget? Where the money is coming from and where it''s going? That might settle their anxiety, if you think it''s appropriate.