The Pain of Waiting - How to cope

[ycenvy]

Have any of you ladies had any success in convincing your SO to move up an engagement earlier than he was expecting? My BF is adamant about us not getting married until after he graduates from dental school and starts working. This isn't a bad idea, but it's sooo long before that happens. He will not be graduating until 2014 and keeps mentioning 2015 as the magic date. I am such an impatient person and to wait that long is going to drive me crazy. I've told him that if we waited that long he would have a VERY sad girlfriend on his hands. He wants to give me my "dream" wedding and I think that's sweet but I can do without some of the decorations and flowers and material things. We went to a wedding last weekend and it's going to be very similar to what I want: very simple and elegant with between 50 - 75 guests and mainly candles for decorations with flowers here and there.

I never pictured being with anyone for three or four years before getting married so this will be new to me. He's definitely the person I want to be with, but I don't want to wait so long to make it "official".

Any other LIW been in this situation? What did you do to try to reason with your SO?

 

[maebelle]

My SO is finishing med school in the spring and we've been dating for 4 years. I don't think your SO is worried about the wedding itself as much as being able to feel like a true adult, making money instead of taking out more and more loans. And I totally get it. I think you may have to buckle in for dating a little longer.
I saw in your previous post that you wouldn't want to move when he graduates unless you are married, I know med school isn't the same as dental school, but does he have three or so months between graduating and moving? That seems like the ideal time to have a small ceremony. That way you are both compromising. He has graduated (but hasn't gotten a job yet), and you get to get married (or at least engaged depending on the timing) before moving.

 

[MissStepcut]

I completely agree with MaeBelle. You know the old saying, women wait for the right man, and men wait for the right time? Most guys I know would not feel comfortable taking on the responsibility of married life without having fulltime employment at least, and some others don't think it's "the right time" until they own a house or could imagine supporting children.

I really don't think it's wise to try to "convince" him to change his own timeline of what's comfortable for him... because it won't suddenly become comfortable. I know, I know, this isn't comfortable for you either, but I guess their are two "evils" to pick from in these situations:

Scenario one: the man is uncertain and the woman, who is quite certain, wins out. The man continues to have misgivings about the timing or his own sense of security or readiness.

Scenario two: the woman is frustrated and maybe a little resentful about waiting so long, and the man is ready after making her wait a long time.

To me, the first situation is CLEARLY the lesser of the two evils. Furthermore, if the resentment and frustration aren't something you can get past, maybe it's not the right relationship, and you should be seeking men whose timelines look more like yours. I know that's not a very romantic thing to say, but relationships are about a lot more than romance.

 

[ycenvy]

maebelle: he definitely wants to be secure first, and I get that. It just makes me nervous that something could come up and then we would have to push it back after he graduates. Things happen all the time so why not just try to save now and shoot for a 2013 or 2014 wedding?

missstepcut: you have some valid points; the last thing I want to do is for him to resent me. I am not willing to leave him simply because he wants to wait; if we didn't want the same things or if he didn't want to get married then I would have to reconsider the relationship but that is not the case.

I believe this is something I am going to have to work on within myself. I'm willing to stick it out with my SO because he is too good of a man to let go. I feel so bad for being impatient It's definitely going to be tough but I know in the end it will be worth it.

 

[MissStepcut]

For what it's worth, I can relate to you completely. I hope I don't sound high and mighty... I just realized that deciding to try to convince him of things he didn't want on his own wasn't going to work out in the long-term.

 

[tuffyluvr]

I completely understand how you are feeling, but my school of thought is that you should go into it 100% prepared and ready for marriage. If you are going to be together forever, waiting a few years won't change anything. Would you really want him to marry you now just because you really want it, or do you want him to marry you because he wants to and is ready?

I agree with Miss Stepcut--guys can really become resentful if they feel pressured into marriage. I think it would be best if you back off the marriage talk for now. One of my male friends got badgered into marrying a woman he had been with on-and-off for about two years. She basically got him to buy her a promise ring and somehow that morphed into an engagement--he loved her and wanted to make her happy Anyways, long story short, they divorced after about 3 years because he was not ready to be married.

Enjoy what you have and try not to focus on how badly you want to get hitched.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

As someone who has returned to studying full time and is not making much of a salary at the moment, I understand your SO's concern. I have told my SO that we can get engaged before I am employed full time again, but I don't want to get married before then. I want to feel that when I get married, I can stand on my own feet, contribute to a household and not have to worry about finances. The biggest reason why couples get divorced is for financial reasons. I want to start my marriage in a secure position. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Your SO is thinking long term, and I think he has the right idea. Just try to enjoy what you have and appreciate the level-headed man you will marry one day.

 

[atp223]

Hi Ycenvy! I think I read in your intro post that you and the bf have only been together about 3 months. So I think that even though NOW he is saying he wants to wait till he graduates, a year from now he may feel differently. My boyfriend is kind of like that. I'm trying to think of a good way to explain it. My boyfriend and I have been together somewhere between 2 and 2.5 yrs (we have differing opinions on our anniversary). If asked a year into our relationship when he wanted to move in with me or get engaged, he would not have given a definite answer and DEFINITELY would NOT have said "for sure by next year!" However, in May, he asked if he could move in with me, and now we have a ring and I am waiting semi-patiently to be able to wear it! I imagine we will get engaged within the next couple of months, which is what I wanted all along (I want a March 2013 wedding). But last year when the marriage talks began, he definitely would not commit to my proposed timeline, because I think he just wanted to feel like he was calling the shots. So do not despair - as time goes by and the length of your relationship increases, your boyfriend may change his mind and feel more comfortable moving the timeline forward.

 

[ycenvy]

As someone who has returned to studying full time and is not making much of a salary at the moment, I understand your SO's concern. I have told my SO that we can get engaged before I am employed full time again, but I don't want to get married before then. I want to feel that when I get married, I can stand on my own feet, contribute to a household and not have to worry about finances. The biggest reason why couples get divorced is for financial reasons. I want to start my marriage in a secure position. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Your SO is thinking long term, and I think he has the right idea. Just try to enjoy what you have and appreciate the level-headed man you will marry one day.

I agree

 

[ycenvy]

Hi Ycenvy! I think I read in your intro post that you and the bf have only been together about 3 months. So I think that even though NOW he is saying he wants to wait till he graduates, a year from now he may feel differently. My boyfriend is kind of like that. I'm trying to think of a good way to explain it. My boyfriend and I have been together somewhere between 2 and 2.5 yrs (we have differing opinions on our anniversary). If asked a year into our relationship when he wanted to move in with me or get engaged, he would not have given a definite answer and DEFINITELY would NOT have said "for sure by next year!" However, in May, he asked if he could move in with me, and now we have a ring and I am waiting semi-patiently to be able to wear it! I imagine we will get engaged within the next couple of months, which is what I wanted all along (I want a March 2013 wedding). But last year when the marriage talks began, he definitely would not commit to my proposed timeline, because I think he just wanted to feel like he was calling the shots. So do not despair - as time goes by and the length of your relationship increases, your boyfriend may change his mind and feel more comfortable moving the timeline forward.

I think that because we started talking about it so early that it kinda got me OVERLY excited LOL. But, it's a possibility he may change his mind. He did mention that we should get married at the JOP and then have an actual wedding after he graduates but I don't like that idea. To me it wouldn't be the same feeling because we would already be married so to have an actual wedding later would be pointless IMO; it would seem like a renewal of the vows...

I actually mentioned to him over this past weekend that we should just lay low of the marriage talk as far as timelines go and we both agreed to it.

 

[shanshans2005]

HI!! I'm in a similar situation. Ive been with my SO 5 years in April. He talked about marriage very early on, yeah I got WAY too excited!! Now that he is a better financial situation and living on his own, i feel like he is in a financial situation where he can propose but what I didnt realize until recently that he need to feel like he is ready. I have to understand that. you have only been with him 3 months if Im not mistaken you should just enjoy your relationship! If is gonna happen it will!

 

[gem_anemone]

ycenvy - do you mind sharing your age?

 

[ycenvy]

ycenvy - do you mind sharing your age?

I'm 27, BF is 29.

 

[ycenvy]

HI!! I'm in a similar situation. Ive been with my SO 5 years in April. He talked about marriage very early on, yeah I got WAY too excited!! Now that he is a better financial situation and living on his own, i feel like he is in a financial situation where he can propose but what I didnt realize until recently that he need to feel like he is ready. I have to understand that. you have only been with him 3 months if Im not mistaken you should just enjoy your relationship! If is gonna happen it will!

Yup there are still things we are still learning about each other and I think it's the fact that I've found my dream guy and I'm just excited to share my life with him. I understand his desires to wait and I'm going to respect that and take it day by day and just enjoy the time we are spending together now like you said.