The question (venting)

[Kayakqueen83]

Yesterday my best friend asked me the question that I HATE to be asked. “So when am I going to be able to help you with your wedding? I know she didn’t mean to ask the question that I loathe…but there it was. I told her, that it wasn’t going to be happening for at least another two years and she proceeded to ask me why. I told her that although I would love to get married now… it just couldn’t happen. Are we supposed to get married in-between his law school exams? And we want to be financially secure… blah, blah, blah. She then said don’t worry, Hun; I’m sure it will happen soon. Ahhhhh!

It always bothers me to have to explain and justify my relationship to other people. I think I hate that more then the actual waiting. It’s almost as if, if we are not planning on getting engaged soon then there is something wrong with our relationship… so I have to tell them WHY we aren’t getting married any time soon.

I know waiting is right for us. It is hard because we are ready in our relationship… however not ready in the logistics of it all. Sometimes I get impatient hoping that it was time already, but I know we are making the right decision. I just hate, hate, HATE feeling like I have to explain that to other people!

Am I being too sensitive? I know it’s not the people’s fault who are asking… but I feel like I am going to snap if one more person asks me “the question”. Did anyone else feel that they had to justify themselves? What did you do?

Thanks everyone

 

[miss_flo]

Date: 10/4/2007 10:22:53 AM
Author:Kayakqueen83

It always bothers me to have to explain and justify my relationship to other people. I think I hate that more then the actual waiting. It’s almost as if, if we are not planning on getting engaged soon then there is something wrong with our relationship… so I have to tell them WHY we aren’t getting married any time soon.

You don''t have to explain anything Pure and simple, you have no responsibility or obligation to justify your decision. It doesn''t have to be a long complicated answer, just a simple "We''re taking our time."

I do get that question often too, but it''s usually from people who are already married, and they''re usually bored or insecure. That first "wave" of weddings has passed (I''m 23, so I''m expecting a lull of a couple years) and my married girlfriends are starting to tally up who''s still "left." It''s going to be a common question for awhile, so you may as well prepare yourself with a vague and boring answer to stop the conversation before it starts.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I try and take a difference approach when people ask about where my relationship is heading. Instead of getting annoyed with everyone asking me, I am complimented on their curiosity. It makes me feel very good to know that people are wondering where we are because they can see us being married. There are couples who have been together for a few years who I would never dream of asking The Question to.

So, as annoying as it is, maybe if you try and put a positive spin on it, you won’t get so frustrated.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Thanks so much for your replies, ladies! I too, am in the middle of the first wave of weddings. (I’m 24) I think that the majority of the people who are asking me when I’m getting married are the people who are in the process of planning their own weddings or have just gotten married. My single friends really don’t ask me at all. I’m sure I’ll get asked this question many more times as more of my friends get into that time in their lives. And your right, I should get used to it. It just has seemed like lately the comments have been a bit harsh, or maybe I’m just sensitive to it, but every time I’ll hear “Oh, you not going to get married until then? Why? That’s so far away!” It’s almost like someone is putting salt in the wounds, because of course I would love to be in that time now! Haha.

Keepingthefaith, you’ve got a great point there. I should be flattered. I’ll try to look at the question as not so much judgmental or questioning, but as a complement to my relationship.

And if that doesn’t work I’ll just start asking them when they will be having babies!

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/4/2007 1:43:02 PM
Author: Kayakqueen83

Thanks so much for your replies, ladies! I too, am in the middle of the first wave of weddings. (I’m 24) I think that the majority of the people who are asking me when I’m getting married are the people who are in the process of planning their own weddings or have just gotten married. My single friends really don’t ask me at all. I’m sure I’ll get asked this question many more times as more of my friends get into that time in their lives. And your right, I should get used to it. It just has seemed like lately the comments have been a bit harsh, or maybe I’m just sensitive to it, but every time I’ll hear “Oh, you not going to get married until then? Why? That’s so far away!” It’s almost like someone is putting salt in the wounds, because of course I would love to be in that time now! Haha.

Keepingthefaith, you’ve got a great point there. I should be flattered. I’ll try to look at the question as not so much judgmental or questioning, but as a complement to my relationship.

And if that doesn’t work I’ll just start asking them when they will be having babies!

*snerk* That bit cracked me up.

Best of luck with the frustration. At least they genuinely mean it and aren''t being snarky. Small consolation, I know, but as Keepingthefaith pointed out, it means they can see you happily married.

 

[DMBsGirl]

I don''t think you are being too sensitive. Questions like this REALLY REALLY SUCK and people should know better. I am dreading a baby shower I have in a week for the very same reason. Like you, I also feel like I have to justify my situation and relationship to those people. Because, my boyfriend and I have been together longer than most of us they feel the need to point out that we should be engaged. Everyone''s situation is so different and I wish people didn''t feel the need to point these things out like something was wrong. Unforunately, I have a feeling that the only way these comments will stop is if an engagement happens. I also have a feeling these same people will react with a "Finally! It was about time!!!"

 

[KimberlyH]

You have no reason to feel obligated to justify anything about your life to anyone. You and your boyfriend need to live at your own pace, not the one that your friends/family/nosy acquiantances deem appropriate.

No one ever asked me, except my mom, before we got engaged. Probably because I put off a vibe that my relationship was no one''s business but mine and his. And when my mom asked I told her not to be nosy, that it was between J and I and when we were ready, if ever, they''d know about it.

 

[mirre]

I don''t know if my situation is exactly the same as your''s but it is a little similar in some cases... So I''ll tell you what I say to people that ask me "the question".

I''m a Senior in college I''ll be graduating in May. My BF is a few years older than I am... not in school. A good friend of mine and my mom both asked me "When are ya''ll getting married?" I too hate this question with a passion! Because it only reminds me that I''m not engaged.... So this is what I say...

"Before I can get married I plan on being out of school. Before I can get married I have to be engaged... and before I can be engaged he has to ask me. I have no idea when he will ask me, so I have no idea when we''ll get married."

You might be able to try that one... It''s not rude or justifying anything... it''s letting them know the truth!

GOOD LUCK!!

(Side note: my mom decided to step it up a notch and tell me she wanted grandchildren and we needed to hurry. I told her... I''m sorry... I''m not having kids until I''m married and I''m not getting married until I''m out of school. And even then I''m not having kids for a while... So you''re just going to have to wait a while longer!"