The sad reality of multiple f***ing coincidendes...

[Bluey]

Well, it was the last third of july, my man was out for the entire day and I soooo hoped for the next day,july 4th -our 3rd year of living together, to be THE day he would propose that I was very distracted when he arrived, 11:00 pm. I hugged and kissed him without even noticing ''the bag''.
Fifteen minutes later, he asked to go outside, to our patio, to sip some wine. He opened the bottle and was crossing the door when he told me to get ''the bag'' from the kitchen counter. ''The bag''?? So I looked, and there it was, unmistakeable bag from a well known and (VERY) expensive jewerly house. My heart STOPPED. Trembling and all I went outside and gave him the bag. I didn''t say a word, out of respect for his plan.

He started to talk about us, about how happy we were, about our future, about how life gets you to points you never before thought you could reach... I was like a salt shaker in use, I tell, you, I couldn''t control myself. I started to wonder WTF was it taking so loooooooong!!! then it occurred to me: he was waiting for the clock to hit 12:00am. He sure was. There was no other explanation... so I kept waiting.

The clock did hit 12:00, all right. And he asked me to open the bag. I was SSSSHHH H HA A A KING!!. And then I got out the box, and thought mh, weird elongated shape, and opened the box, and a FREAKING GOLD PLATED PEN appeared instead of my ring...
I SWEAR I ALMOST BITE HIS HEAD OFF AND CHEW IT AND MAKE A BUBBLE AND EXPLODE IT AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!!!

I kept trembling, and even then, didn''t say a word. I had to go inside the house, cry a little, and then go back. To this day I thank God it was cold outside. When necessary, that would explain my trembling...

Anyway, It''s been a few months and he still desn''t know about that day. I don''t want to appear a martyr, but I want to tell him that it was then that I knew I really, really want to get married, and want a ring, and all that S***, even though I always said how I don''t believe in marriage and how a ring is for materialistic people, and whatnot. I don''t know how to tell him. I''ve been sending clues, but he doesn''t seem very aware of them...

Whatever. I just thought I wouls share this with you all...
Thanks for the eyes!!!

 

[thedreamer]

I''m sorry you got your hopes up so high that night! I don''t know what I would do if my bf gave a speech that very much so resembled an engagement speech only to give me a pen. . . do you write a lot, I''m trying to figure out why a pen would be the gift of choice in a speech like that?!

Maybe you should sit down and tell him, more directly, that you realize now that marriage and a ring and all of those things are important to you even though you didn''t think they were before. Sometimes guys need to be told these things in a straightforward way, especially if he truly believes that you don''t ever want to get married. I wouldn''t say anything about the pen though, because his feelings might get hurt and judging by the presentation that he used to give you the pen, it was an important moment however hard it may be for us to understand. . .

 

[Bluey]

Ehem, let me clarify that the pen was HIS and he was SHOWING it to me. The speech had nothing to do with the pen... It just happened to be the 4th, he happened to give a speech, and he happened to show me his new pen. No secret intention in any of that. He''s not bad, he''s only dumb

.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/14/2007 8:15:40 PM
Author:Bluey
Anyway, It''s been a few months and he still desn''t know about that day. I don''t want to appear a martyr, but I want to tell him that it was then that I knew I really, really want to get married, and want a ring, and all that S***, even though I always said how I don''t believe in marriage and how a ring is for materialistic people, and whatnot. I don''t know how to tell him. I''ve been sending clues, but he doesn''t seem very aware of them...

Whatever. I just thought I wouls share this with you all...
Thanks for the eyes!!!

OK, your story is horrific and kind of funny at the same time. I hope you can laugh at it a bit, and I really hope your time is coming.

One thing I''d say is please please please don''t expect him to read your mind. If I told my man I don''t believe in marriage and how a ring is for materialistic people, he''d believe me. Clues? Men don''t get clues. I almost believe Sherlock Holmes was a woman.

Tell the dude. You deserve a marriage and a ring if that''s what you want.

 

[Bluey]

Aww, thank you both for being so supportive!!
I laugh a lot about that day, I even intended the story to be kind of funny, but there''s the underlaying reality of my newfound desire to get married... My story is more complicated thna it seems, though, because he has been married three times and I honestly think he might be kind of tired about the whole process.
Another thing is my clues are not that subtle: I talk about rings, and I send him photos of those I like, and even yesterday I asked him if he would like our honeymoon on a cruise... (He said yes)
So we talk, but we don''t talk-talk...
What I haven''t mentioned is the sad story of last july. But maybe he doesn''t need to know it, anyway.
I supposse I have to me more direct and even take him to look for rings on a specific day, because he won''t ever take me (he didn''t give ring to any of his ex-wives, all of them were happy go lucky hippies, same s i was just a few months ago, before I realized I''m a greedy materialistic diamond hunter,

).
But oh, well...

Thanks!!

 

[iheartscience]

I think you should talk-talk, already! This is your future and your life-why are you going to hint about it? Just come out and say it! *Especially* since he thinks you don''t believe in marriage and you don''t want a diamond ring!

P.S. The pen story is so sad...what a terribly dumb boy thing to do!

 

[KimberlyH]

Time to lay those cards on the table, my friend. Wanting what you do is normal, having the discussion might not be easy, but necessary. I hope your conversation produces exactly what you''re seeking.

Oh, and your story about the pen absolutely cracked me up, it just goes to show you how differently people think, even when we know them better than they know themselves.

 

[justjulia]

Speaking as someone married almost 23 yrs, you simply have to tell it like it is. This doesn''t stop with the engagement ring... my well-meaning husband had to be carefully taught what I liked specifically... what color roses, my taste in jewelry, when to give what. They honestly just don''t think like we do. I had a colleague who asked me how I got flowers at work, etc, and I told her that you have to tell them. The next time I saw her she was beaming, wearing one of those 3-stone pendants--she said she told her husband exactly what would make her day on valentine''s day and he did it! And...I was married while in the Peace Corps when I did not want any of that "material stuff." 16 yrs later, I decided I wanted a diamond... (still married to the same guy) and since then I have been looking/admiring/voicing what I like, and really it makes him happy because he just wants to make me happy. So, have that heart to heart talk with him! Good luck!

 

[Munchkin]

All I could think of was the scene in "Say Anything" when John Cusack says "I gave her my heart... and she gave me a pen."

Take it from me. I thought for a VERY long time that my comments were clearly telling him what I wanted. I even went so far as to tell friends that I didn't want to start a serious conversation about sepecific plans, because I didn't want to risk ruining whatever surprise I was sure he was cooking up. I kept convincing myself that various holidays, planned dates, etc. were going to be 'the night.'

I was VERY wrong.

My husband is an awesome man, but he is male. It took me emotionally breaking down, hitting my breaking point for us to have a frank discussion. We had been having parallel conversations for years. My hints and comments were not reaching their mark. He needed things much more clearly stated.

The bottom line? He thought that my saying that I didn't want to get married until I had finished grad school meant that I didn't want to be engaged until after graduation. In fact, I had secretly been hoping that I would be wearing a ring at my grad school graduation. I thought an engagement would be the icing on the cake after all the work I had put into my thesis. He loved me with all his heart, but he simply didn't understand what timeline was in my head. He felt awful.

I felt better after we spoke. I realized that it truly wasn't a matter of not being ready for marriage. Rather, he thought he was honoring my wishes. If you were previously a 'hippie' he may well have that more clearly burned in his brain than the rather recent notion of being a ringwhore

(Not an insult BTW, I am an enourmous ringwhore myself)

Love him enough to give him your true self. Tell him what you are thinking. I would even tell him what was going through your brain as you held the bag, as it demonstrates the differences in you trains of thought. Using a concrete example would make the conversation easier for both of you.

GOOD LUCK! (is there an emoticon for a hug?)

ETA: the letter T at the end of the word heart. It definitely makes more sense that way!

 

[bee*]

Definitely have the talk with him. I was with D over six years and I brought it up with him and he had no idea that I even wanted to get engaged!! None at all.Sit him down and explain what you''d like and see how far away he is from wanting the same. I so would have been the same if he''d given me a big speech and all that-men

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/14/2007 9:05:38 PM
Author: thing2of2
I think you should talk-talk, already! This is your future and your life-why are you going to hint about it? Just come out and say it! *Especially* since he thinks you don''t believe in marriage and you don''t want a diamond ring!

P.S. The pen story is so sad...what a terribly dumb boy thing to do!

Yup, couldn''t agree more. There is nothing wrong with discussing and deciding together when it will be time for you to get married, and setting an approximate timeline for the engagement. In fact, every couple should do that... It''s not because it''s the man who proposes that the timelines should be decided unilaterally! It''s your life too, right?

I''m really sorry about the pen story... Men can be so infuriating!

Good luck!

 

[Bluey]

Yep, you all are right... I know I have to tell him. the stupid thing is that I tell him everything else, including my deadlines to have kids!! Everytime a special date approaches, I tell him what I want for a gift, or where I want to go, and he always complies, he''s a sucker for me!!

I''m very rotten with him, he''s a wonderful person, but for some reason, even though we have plans, the specific marriage thing is what somewhat scares me

. Maybe that''s why I find it difficult to talk seriously about that... My parents divorced when I was like six, and I couldn''t see my father for two years because my mom scared him away (and he is no superman, go figure!), and I swore I would never divorce... So I swore I would never get married (smart kid, uh?).

So, yes, it''s my fault. Now I find out I do want to get married. I still don''t want a party, or a dress, I wish we culd get up really early some x day, put on my favorite jeans, and go to sign the papers having the janitor as a witness... So I''m still that weirdo he loves, but now I want the ring. I supposse I should talk about it as I do with everything else...
Now he''s traveling, but as soon as he returns, I promise I''ll talk.

I guess...