The whole TEASING thing... VENT...

[sumbride]

My boyfriend is driving me crazy!!! He''s adamant that the proposal will be a "surprise". I''m ok with that. I really am. But he''s so set on it being a surprise, that now he''s teasing me about whether or not it will even happen. I told him "the concept shouldn''t be the surprise, just the execution of the concept." He understood at the time, I think, but it''s going back to "hypothetical" and it''s bugging me, even though he''s just "teasing", which he explains when I get upset.

This morning, for some reason, he brought up his bachelor party... his "hypothetical" bachelor party. I said "Does that mean you may not have one or that we might not get married? What do you mean by hypothetical?" He said "I just like to keep you guessing..." I told him that my best friend sent me an email asking if I was nuts yet and I told her yes. He said "ah geez". Then I started thinking about it in the shower, where I do my best thinking, and I just got angry! I honestly wanted to say "you have until our 4th anniversary to decide if it''s ''hypothetical'' or not. After that I''m going to be making my own CONCRETE plans, which may not involve you." I was fuming. But when I got out of the shower, my cat was limping more than usual (he has a dislocated toe from kittenhood as a stray) so all of a sudden I was focused on my cat. When he came upstairs I said "Bill seems hurt" instead of "I''m mad at you." So we''re both checking out the cat and then poof, I completely can''t remember why I was upset. Of course, after I saw Bill chase a fly upstairs, I remembered again, but now it seems too late and really trivial since it was a comment he made before he was even really awake and I KNOW he was just "teasing".

Anybody else going through this? How should I bring this up, or should I at all? My skin seems a little thin right now, and he''s just sort of rubbing me the wrong way about this. He told me months ago he had "a plan" and to "trust him" but now he''s just either contradicting himself or making a bad joke. Meanwhile I''m frazzled.

Oh, and I just ordered that book "The truth behind the rock" that Mandarine suggested. Maybe that will help.

 

[Blenheim]

Next time he says something like that, it might be a good idea to say something like, "You told me that you have a plan and that I should trust you, but it''s hard for me to trust you on this when you keep implying that it might not even happen. I''m sure that you''re just trying to joke around, but it is kind of hurtful."

I noticed that even though my then-boyfriend was comfortable saying that he was going to propose by May 16, he didn''t slip from consistently using "if we get married" to "when we get married" until after he proposed. Your boyfriend might not be comfortable talking concretely about future plans until you both have agreed, definitely, that you are going to get married. Does he know that it''s bothering you?

How far away are you from your 4th anniversary?

And I missed Mandarine''s suggestion of "The Truth Behind the Rock." What is it about? I may be interested as well.

 

[sumbride]

Blenheim, thank you!

That''s the PERFECT response! The thing that drives me crazy is that he really hasn''t been like this at all until he got to "the plan" and "the guessing game". He''s talked very concretely about our future together for a couple of years now... he bought the house he did "knowing" that we were getting married, etc... he has no trouble talking about it in terms of plans, financial decisions, habits, etc... but he''s so caught up in "the proposal" now that he''s gone back to the teasing... but only about that.

He still talks about the wedding, uses WHEN instead of IF, etc... I think he honestly just thinks its fun, and I need to tell him it isn''t.

Our 4th anniversary isn''t until November... that''s a long time from now, but I don''t want to pressure him, just really want to know where we stand. I''m hoping it all happens before then. I have a hunch it will be in August so I''ve really not been upset since it isn''t August yet, but ugh, with the word "hypothetical" something just SNAPPED in me!

Mandarine mentioned that book toward the middle of page 13 in Fisher''s long thread: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/hi-im-new-here.43547/page-13 I found it because I was catching up yesterday. I ordered it and The Conscious Bride so hopefully they''ll calm me down a bit.

 

[jesterjigger]

I would go with Blenheim''s response. And if that doesn''t work, start talking about your back up potential fiances, hee hee. I do that some, but using people we work with that neither of us like. I''ll say, "well, just in case you never come through with a proposal it''s good to have Trevor on the backburner". Though that was during the time between buying the ring and then picking it up. After he picked up the ring he stopped teasing me about getting the ring and now threatens to take it back and replace it with a $200 ring from Kohls. But I let that slide since I know it''s a joke...he''s more concerned about the quality of the diamond than I am!

 

[Patchee]

Men suck at times... and Sum, he holds the key to your dreams.. he knows it so why not toy with you ... which IMO, is not right.. but they are guys, we love them, they get away with it...

I just bought a book the other day called "Why men love Bitches" .. Good reading for all ladies in every situation I think. I just thought of it when I logged on to this site. Many of us ladies here are becoming the "nice girl" with our men as far as his proposing to us and us wanting that so bad... I am going to remain the bitch (not meant in the "bitch" phrase) which is let him know that he in fact has the prize of his lifetime in front of his eyes but if it is too readily avaialbe it will not be the prize that long as he will drag out a proposal or a courtship until bordem strikes and just "flop" into marriage because he say "why not" oppose to "I can't wait" ....

I have my own relationship issues but reading actually lets me look at things MUCH differently.

 

[firebirdgold]

Nerf baseball bat.
Just close your eyes and picture hitting him repeatedly over the head with a nerf baseball bat.

 

[sunkist]

It sounds like he''s trying to make it a surprise by teasing that it''s no where near. Tell him that this teasing is hurting you and actually making you mad. It''s not contributing to the surprise factor at all. Suggest to him that not talking about the ring or the engagement at all would add more of an element of suprise than teasing that it may never happen.

 

[sumbride]

Nerf baseball bat!?!? love it!

Thanks for the helpful words ladies! This is one of those times where I just can''t get his "joke" so he needs to stop making it! And hey, maybe he is trying to throw me off the trail... My birthday is in less than a month... if he did it then it would really surprise me since I''m thinking it''s our vacation in August. Now if I can just get one of my friends to mention that to him...

 

[anchor31]

He probably thinks he''s being incredibly witty and funny.

But he should realise that while it may be funny for him, it definitely isn''t funny for you. I hate it too when my boyfriend says "if". I know he''s going to propose this summer, but when it comes to the wedding, he still says "if". I know we''ll have to wait 2+ years until I finish school, but... we''re getting engaged, why is getting married still an "if"??

I think they just don''t realise what those little words do to us, and that the best thing to do is probably just to tell them about it. Calmly, if possible. What I usually do a day or two before talking with J about a sensitive subject like that is that I rant at the framed picture I have of him. It really helps because I can get the emotions out and then taslk to him more calmly. Does that make sense?

 

[Rhapsody]

Ugh, my boyfriend would do that too and it drove me CRAZY! He thought he was being so cute but ya just wanna smack ''em! I think they don''t always choose their words very carefully, the difference between "if" and "when" somehow is lost on them sometimes.

I would tell him that you know he''s joking and trying to maintian the surprise but that it''s hurting your feelings.

 

[galeteia]

I think us girls really get the short end of the stick, when it comes to proposals.

The two of you (presumably) have all this discussion about wanting to get married, and then, just when it seems like yes, things are on the go-ahead, poof! He gets to have the ball entirely in HIS court, while you sit there twiddling your thumbs, waiting for him to propose.

In my case, we''re quite certain we want to get married, so much so that in a few months he''s going to have to start the paperwork to apply for me to come to the states and marry him, so I can get my green card. The timing for our ''civil'' marriage (we''d having the wedding a year or two afterward) will be around this time next year. Granted, it IS ''just'' a civil marriage for paperwork/immigration reasons (we can''t stand the idea of being apart that long, and are moving things along faster than we''d ideally like, but oh well...) and not the big shebang, but he''s being all cagey about the proposal timing.

Meanwhile, I''m looking at the calendar, thinking, "If you are going to propose BEFORE you start applying for my Fiancee visa, you''d better get on it, bucko!"

He keeps saying something vague about the fall, but the paperwork needs to be started BEFORE then. Are we going to have the marriage wheels in motion before I even get a proposal? ARGH!

 

[sumbride]

I''m so glad to know I''m not alone in this!!!

Galateia - your situation is especially frustrating! "Am I moving to your country or not???" is a much bigger deal! Where do you live now?


I was all set to tell him about it yesterday evening, but I got some news that sort of put things in perspective.... My brother-in-law left my sister yesterday for a woman he''s been having an affair with. They''ve been married almost 16 years, together for 24. He''s definitely like a brother to me... I''ve known him since I was 5. It''s a real shock. Add on to that my sister''s health, which is very poor... she has severe liver disease and is trying to get healthy enough for a transplant, which we hope will happen soon. Their daughter is really angry with her father right now, understandably, and I''m just sort of shocked. I know it happens all the time, but "not in my family". My boyfriend and I were talking about it and he said "at least he won''t embararrass us at the wedding" (a running joke), I said "well, it''s going to be all about my sister for a while..." and he realized that we should keep the rah-rah wedding stuff quiet a bit longer. I said "sure takes the pressure off you..." and he smiled and hugged me.

I know that my sister''s heartache isn''t reason to postpone anything, but it just sort of changed things a bit. She had the big fairytale princess wedding that I don''t want, but when we do start planning it, the comparisons are just naturally going to pop up. I''m not really sure how I feel about it.

 

[jesterjigger]

Sumbride...I''m so sorry to hear about that jerk of a BIL!!!! What an @#$@%! It''s nice of you to back off a little on your plans for your sister''s sake. But hopefully your bf also cools it with the jokes. Good luck with your planning though, when it does get back on track.

 

[sumbride]

Thank you Jester. It was just sort of a shock and I''m very angry with my BIL. Also a bit concerned about my neice and her future relationships... I doubt she''s going to have much trust in men! She''s 15, so this is hitting at a very influential time.

At least my guy knows not to joke about it right now... when it happens again, I''ll definitely ask him to stop.

 

[anchor31]

What a horrible jerk! I''m so sorry for your sister and your niece, it''s so disgusting... She is at least lucky to have an understanding sister.

 

[galeteia]

Oh no! That is terrible! I just don't understand why people cheat-- if you don't love your partner anymore (and lord knows that happens, despite best intentions) don't run around behind their back instead of being honest about it!

If your BIL wanted out, that would be one thing. It would still be hard on your neice, but at least she wouldn't be faced with the double-whammy of finding out her father is a sleazebag. Divorces are hard enough without throwing dirt all over them!

You have my sympathy. My housemate is Italian Catholic, and she's always looked up to her brother's marriage as hope that relationships can work out. Turns out his wife has been emotionally unfaithful to him with men she's met on the internet.

My housemate's faith in marriage/relationships is crumbling around her.

To answer your question, I'm in Canada, and he's in Kentucky. He'll be doing his PhD in Texas in the fall, so commuting is out of the question. 9 hours drive is bad enough as it is.

So it's either live apart with no visits until we've been engaged for a 'seemly' amount of time (not see the man I love for a year?! NEVER!

) or get married so I can be down there with him.

 

[sumbride]

Galateia - That''s exactly it! If he wanted out, ok, understood... the last few years with my sister have been very stressful... but to leave "for" someone else... that he''s known for just a short while... who, it turns out, has 5 kids with 5 different men and a disturbing pattern of this... I just can''t understand it. My neice is calling the woman a "whore"... she met her "accidentally" when she and my sister walked in on them. Oh yeah, this is just not a pretty picture. Marriages end often, but to end this way... ugh. I just want to smack him.

Yeah, Canada and Texas aren''t exactly close together! I definitely understand the need for the civil marriage for paperwork''s sake! I complained about my 2 hour drive, so I''m always amazed at what people have to tolerate for love. I hope he gets the ball rolling soon!

sum

 

[galeteia]

Are you telling me that his daughter and wife walked in on him and his mistress?!

 

[anchor31]

I am deeply disturbed by this story... Ugh, this kind of thing makes me sick. My BF''s father cheated on his mother about 6 years ago, and it''s been hell for the entire family since then... Ugh.

Sorry to highjack, but Galateia, would you mind telling me where you are in Canada? I''m from the Montréal area, QC.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 5/19/2006 5:46:03 PM
Author: anchor31
Sorry to highjack, but Galateia, would you mind telling me where you are in Canada? I''m from the Montréal area, QC.

I''m living in Waterloo, Ontario right now (University there) but before that I lived in Verdun.

Eventually, my sweetie and I would like to settle in Montreal. It would suit us both. Have I ever lost my french in 4 years of school, though!

I''m kind of black-and-white about the cheating thing. If you''re miserable enough in your relationship to cheat, then you probably shouldn''t be in it. If you aren''t miserable, and you are cheating because you were tempted by a new lawn to mow, you''re a sleaze and your partner is better off without you.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Wow. That is just horrible and revolting! I am so sorry to hear about your sister''s situation. I am going into a medical profession and we learn that major illness either brings a couple/family closer together or tears them apart. THe latter statistics are quite devastating! And by no means am I blaming your sister here at all so please don''t read it that way! I hope your niece is doing all right! Both of them will be in my thoughts and prayers. Its things like this that make me wonder if it would/could be ethical to start a prayer thread here on PS. Hmmmm. Well back to you sum I hope this cools off the teasing for a while or for good until the actual proposal!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 5/19/2006 3:44:23 PM
Author: Galateia

Are you telling me that his daughter and wife walked in on him and his mistress?!

Yup, tho fortunately they were dressed at the time... but he told her everything, right there in front of his daughter.

Ultimately this is between them, but it definitely affects the whole family, and it''s devastating. I can understand that he may not be able to handle her illness, but still....

and sparkles, you''re right, her illness is one of those things that can tear a family apart... sad but true. it''s brought the immediate family closer, but it''s put a lot of stress on their marriage.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Oh Sumbride I am so sorry!!! I have absolutely no tolerance for cheating, no matter what the circumstances. If your sister''s illness is too much to handle after so many years of marriage, then at least try to work things out in a somewhat civilized manner so their daughter doesn''t grow up hating her dad and men in general. I second Galateia''s idea about being a sleaze, especially with the mistress'' history. He''ll get burned, and I hope when he realizes what he gave up your sister and your niece will be happy and healthy and can look him in the eye and say "Too little too late." XOXO
~Megan

 

[klavigne]

Sumbride,
You should go out and buy him a "man ring" and propose to him. I bet you a million dollars that he would have a ring on your finger faster than you can read this post!! No guy wants to have to tell people that his girl proposed to him!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 5/22/2006 2:59:06 PM
Author: KPL
Sumbride,
You should go out and buy him a ''man ring'' and propose to him. I bet you a million dollars that he would have a ring on your finger faster than you can read this post!! No guy wants to have to tell people that his girl proposed to him!

Ha, thanks KPL, but there''s an update to this on another thread called "I got a timeline!" He announced that he will propose within 6 months, so I think it will be ok!

The man ring thing reminds me... a couple of weeks ago we heard a radio ad for a local jeweler that features a couple that both bought rings, ready to propose to each other at the same time. Apparently she went first and then he pulled his out and asked her. It was a ha ha chuckle moment for them and a cute ad for the store, but my BF said "who would do that???" I missed my chance to say "Somebody who got sick of waiting, that''s who!" because I was half-asleep!