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They rsvp''d and added an univited guest, so now what?

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snaffle

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Aug 9, 2006
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We are giving our daughter the best wedding and reception we can afford. As it is, I have made all the flowers and decorations including pew bows and reception centerpieces. I will be just about $700 short and still need to figure out how to come up with the extra in two weeks! We are on a very strict budget. We live paycheck to paycheck. Get the picture?

One family of 4 rsvp''d and added and extra person. I politely called the lady of the house. I told her that I was working on the final count for the caterer and was a little confused, I had their family down as 4 invited, but there were 5 on the rsvp card.

She replied that they invited the 16 yr old daughters boyfriend. I was expecting this and replied with that we would be happy to see him come, but because of our planned and limited budget, it would be appreciated if they cover the cost of the boyfriend. They could send me a check now, or wait until the reception.

I have heard from one friend that she thinks I showed worse manners than the woman who added their own guests. What do you think? Do you worry about what expenses your parents are incurring for your wedding? Are you on unlimited budgets and if guests bring their friends to a buffet type reception that it wont matter?

Please share your thoughts. thanks

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Date: 8/9/2006 11:44:49 PM
Author:snaffle
We are giving our daughter the best wedding and reception we can afford. As it is, I have made all the flowers and decorations including pew bows and reception centerpieces. I will be just about $700 short and still need to figure out how to come up with the extra in two weeks! We are on a very strict budget. We live paycheck to paycheck. Get the picture?

One family of 4 rsvp'd and added and extra person. I politely called the lady of the house. I told her that I was working on the final count for the caterer and was a little confused, I had their family down as 4 invited, but there were 5 on the rsvp card.

She replied that they invited the 16 yr old daughters boyfriend. I was expecting this and replied with that we would be happy to see him come, but because of our planned and limited budget, it would be appreciated if they cover the cost of the boyfriend. They could send me a check now, or wait until the reception.

I have heard from one friend that she thinks I showed worse manners than the woman who added their own guests. What do you think? Do you worry about what expenses your parents are incurring for your wedding? Are you on unlimited budgets and if guests bring their friends to a buffet type reception that it wont matter?

Please share your thoughts. thanks

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All I can say is WOW. That woman is really rude for inviting an extra guest when the card did not state that her daughter could bring a date. So rude! I personally don't feel you were ruder than she, I mean you do what you can, you know? I probably could not ask someone to pay after they rudely invited an extra guest, but that's just me and I hate confrontation.

As for the other questions, I totally worry about expenses my parents incur-in fact I'm the one calming my mom down and telling her that we should limit the guestlist and should not buy without budgeting. We are on a generous, but not unlimited budget and there really is no room for uninvited guests.

Is there a reason why your daughter cannot help you? FI and I are helping by paying about (or up to) 1/4 of the cost of the wedding...
 
Eek, tough situation there. You were correct in calling the family and inquiring about the 5th guest, but asking your guests to pay their own way is, IMHO, quite rude. It is charging admission, not hosting. You would have been completely in line to have alluded to the financial constraints and kindly informed them that bringing an extra person would not be possible, thanking them for the RSVP, and quickly saying goodbye (so they couldn''t argue with you).

To answer your other questions:
Do you worry about what expenses your parents are incurring for your wedding?: Of course!! Everything my parents'' contributions didn''t cover, my now-husband and I covered (mostly our honeymoon). I am, however, unsure what this topic has to do with your current situation.....

Are you on unlimited budgets and if guests bring their friends to a buffet type reception that it wont matter?: Ummm, nobody is on an unlimited budget, even Bill Gates has an end to his checking account. And again, what does this have to do with what you should do with an uninvited guest? Our wedding budgets have no effect on what you should do in this situation, which I think is to call the woman back, apologize for requesting a check from them for attending your daughter''s wedding, and informing them that again, due to monetary constraints, you will not be able to accomodate the teen''s boyfriend. And if they bring him anyways, just act gracious and enjoy your little girl''s big day. Besides, with a buffet meal, I doubt your caterer is going to significantly increase your costs due to one person. A meal that serves 100-110 people will easily serve 100 and 101.

By the way, welcome to Pricescope, and I do wish your daughter a beautiful wedding and a lifelong joyous marriage! Good luck.
 
Look, I am sure you would rather not be in this spot. If you had the money easily I think you would overlook her faux pas, but since you are scrambling and that extra person adds money to your catering bill, AND it was rude and obnoxious for your guest to presume to invite another person...I really do not think it was rude of you, just honest. Now, the day of the wedding, there is the chance that someone you paid for will not show up (illness at the last minute, etc) and you will be covered for the extra person''s food (but not where they sit)...but, to me, the name on the envelope is who is invited...I do not think an add your own guest line is on the reply card!!!
 
You are absolutely not in the wrong here. This is a party for your daughter, that you''re paying for, and no one should be able to invite extra guests unless given permission. The lady of the house adding a guest to a reply card was rude. Instead of being peeved (as I would have been), it sounds as though you were extremely tactful.

What is the daughter going to do without her 16 year old boyfriend for a night, throw a tantrum? We''re in the same situation (limited number of guests) and unless a guest is married or in a serious relationship (i.e. living together), they may not bring an extra guest.
 
I think a lot of people don''t think about budget when they add another guest... If it were someone you invited, and you did not invite plus one, but they were in a serious relationship you didn''t know about and didn''t think anything of bringing their boyfriend as a date, then I wouldn''t think they were too rude. However, a 16 year old with a boyfriend is quite another situation. Single adults bring dates so they have someone to dance with and aren''t alone, and others bring someone they are serious about because it is a family function, but there is no expectation of a date for a 16 year old, and she has her whole family of 4 to keep her company. This boyfriend is not someone who will likely be involved with you as a significant other of a family member or friend long into the future, and isn''t there to keep a single guy or girl company. This is an event with family and close friends. This is not the type of extra, unforeseen person that could be added without hesitation!!

To put it bluntly, no boyfriend of a 16 year old matters enough to you to have him at your daughter''s wedding... and unless by some miracle they stay together beyond high school, no one will care in a few years if this person was there or not.

So it was extremely rude to invite along this person without asking you first. on the other hand, I do agree with JCJD that asking for the money may not have been the most tactful move... but you do have a right to let them know that for whatever reason, you could only accommodate 4 people from their family at the wedding. I am sure there are friends that did not get an invite that you would have liked to have been there if the situation had allowed... it is unfair to them to bring in another guest that you do not even know when you could have invited another friend!!

Good luck with this situation.
 
I think that it would be rude to ask a guest to pay their own way at a wedding. But, since this boyfriend was not invited and is not a guest, I don''t think it''s rude to ask for his way to be paid. Not at all.
Budget concerns are hard and you''re just doing the best you can with what you have at this time.
Good luck!

OH - also, I''m not on an unlimited budget from my parents - far from it!!
Even if I was, though, I''d still be a little ticked off by that family inviting the 16 year old boyfriend.

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I probably would have stuck to my guns and still said no to the boyfriend. Maybe you would have saved money by having the 16 year old girl throw a fit and stay home too.
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Something similar just happened to me. I invited my aunt and uncle and their 26-year-old daughter, who lives with them. Last I heard, she wasn't dating anyone seriously. My aunt and uncle returned their RSVP before the deadline - I never heard back from the daughter. When my granny talked to my uncle (her son) last week, she just asked about the daughter. At this point, we all assumed she wasn't coming. Well, not only is she planning to come, she is planning to bring "a friend." When my granny pressed to find out more, my uncle just yelled for her to "pass on" that little bit of information to me. I have still not received an RSVP card or even a phone call about this from them directly.

Needless to say, I was livid. I'm not particulary close to any of them - they were invited because they are my aunt and uncle. I don't even care enough to get on the phone and get into it with them (my uncle can be ass sometimes). So this is the deal. The cousin and her "friend" won't have escort cards, they won't have seats. They'll have to scramble around and look foolish at the wedding. I don't care at this point. I'm having a buffet, so I'm not worried about food running out, but I'm not about to pay an additional $60 (a lot for me right now) for someone who can't be bothered to RSVP and a person I didn't even invite.

So after all of that, I don't think you were rude AT ALL! As someone pointed out, he's not a guest because you didn't invite him, so he isn't entitled to any type of courtesy. Maybe I'm being blunt, but honestly, I can't believe some of the stuff my invited guests have pulled, and I'm really just tired of it all.
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what would happen if everyone decided to invite an extra?!! that''s just rude!
 
I cant believe that they just thought it would be ok to invite their daughters boyfriend-that is one of the rudest things that I have heard! I think you were right in what you did
 
Author: JCJD
Eek, tough situation there. You were correct in calling the family and inquiring about the 5th guest, but asking your guests to pay their own way is, IMHO, quite rude. It is charging admission, not hosting. You would have been completely in line to have alluded to the financial constraints and kindly informed them that bringing an extra person would not be possible, thanking them for the RSVP, and quickly saying goodbye (so they couldn't argue with you).
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I disagree. She wasn't asking her guests to pay their own way, she was asking them to pay for someone they decided to bring along. Someone who WASN'T invited. THAT is rude. I think telling them they can't bring him, after they've already invited him, would have been more rude. Let them pay if they want to take him. If they don't want to pay, they'll reneg on their invitation.

Frankly, I think you did EXACTLY the right thing. I don't believe there was ANYthing wrong with you asking them to cover the cost of the daughter's boyfriend. He was not invited, and it was not their place to invite him. It's not like the daughter wouldn't have known anyone else at the wedding...her ENTIRE family will be there. She can bear to be away from him for one freaking day. It was extremely rude of them to even THINK about, let alone ACTUALLY invite him to tag along. And you had every right to request that they pay to bring him. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
 
Sometimes it''s hard for me to believe people. Had that happened at my daughter''s wedding, I think I would have called and told them that the boyfriend was more than welcome to come to the wedding ceremony, but unfortunately we wouldn''t be able to accomadate him for the reception. Then they could make up their mind what they wanted to do.
 
Date: 8/10/2006 2:48:49 PM
Author: oshinbreez
Sometimes it''s hard for me to believe people. Had that happened at my daughter''s wedding, I think I would have called and told them that the boyfriend was more than welcome to come to the wedding ceremony, but unfortunately we wouldn''t be able to accomadate him for the reception. Then they could make up their mind what they wanted to do.
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Very tactful!
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Money is actually a big deal. Pay for a wedding, and you become very sensitive to that fact. A lot of my coworkers got married at the same time we did. We''d all commiserate as to the costs (since we all were paying for the weddings ourselves, with minimal, if any, parental help). Due to budget costs, my coworkers and I decided to not show up for each others weddings. Saved the marrying couple the cost for the guests and saved the guests the cost of the gift. Yes, it would have washed, but we were all pinching pennies to pull off our own wedding so we thought it was fine since we all agreed.

So, I''m totally sympathetic to the OP. I suppose it could be seen as rude to outright ask for payment for the uninvited guest, but I''ve also learned to look at the big picture. Who decides on what''s rude? It''s all a matter of perspective. It should only matter if you care what the other person thinks. You also can''t please everyone. What one person thinks is innocuous, another thinks is rude (see various hand gestures among different cultures). Again, it only matters if you care what the people deciding is rude or not thinks.

Personally, I don''t see that extra person as a guest. They''re crashing the party. It''s completely unreasonable to expect the hosts to pay for wedding crashers.
 
Snaffle, my take is this: even if you DID have an unlimited budget, this wouldn''t be acceptable!

This woman acted COMPLETELY completely out of line. I cannot even believe the audacity she had to invite someone to a function *she isn''t hosting*!

This isn''t just about budget. This is about someone having the gall to overstep their bounds.

Had I been in this situation, I wouldn''t have asked for the check....instead, I''d have said "I feel a bit awkward having to tell you this, but the guest list isn''t expandable and we won''t be able to accommodate (child''s) boyfriend. We have a set number of seats to work with, and we''ve planned our guest list in accordance with that. We really hope the four of you will still attend, and we appreciate your understanding.

I''d also do what tanyak said....I would not prepare seat cards for him, and I would not prepare a seat.
 
Date: 8/10/2006 6:21:32 PM
Author: aljdewey

Had I been in this situation, I wouldn''t have asked for the check....instead, I''d have said ''I feel a bit awkward having to tell you this, but the guest list isn''t expandable and we won''t be able to accommodate (child''s) boyfriend. We have a set number of seats to work with, and we''ve planned our guest list in accordance with that. We really hope the four of you will still attend, and we appreciate your understanding.
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Also extremely tactful.
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I need to learn how to say no like you guys.
 
I would have just told them that he couldn''t come (or had my mom tell them if it was her family, FI''s mom if it was his family), but I think that asking them to pay is acceptable as well, if they really want him there. I do think that it took a lot of nerve on her part to assume that her daughter''s 16 year old bf could come. I went to family weddings as a college student while having a bf and he was never invited and we never thought to invite him along either. How rude!
 
wow what a crappy predicament.

I am only 26 so have only been the bride and not the parent of...yet :)
When we planned ours, we were on a budget, too and my parents are paycheck to paycheck people.
I am greek, and you always expect that somebody will bring so-and-so who is visiting from Greece so you kind of expect a number of extras.

I don''t think you were out of line to ask for them to pay for the extra guest, but I know it was way more ballsey that I am. You know what your repore is with the woman you spoke with. Did she apologize for the extra? Did she say she would pay for em?


oh and also, I know that we farrrrr benefitted from the money we received from all of our guests that all of our extras were more than covered (I have a $3000 tv to show for what was left!)
 
I just wanted to say that... well it was ballsy. I just would have told them flat out that extra guests are not an option. You understand that their daughter wants to bring a date but the guest list was a careful consideration and dates were not offered to guests that are not in serious commited relationships. You feel it is unfair to the other guests to allow their daughter to bring an additional person and you cannot allow it. You hope they can understand the difficult position they've placed you in.

I wouldn't have even brought $$ into the conversation.

ETA: What Aldj said.
 
Thank you very much to all of you who responded to my post about the rude guest who included the daughters boyfriend on the rsvp.

I wish I would have found this forum before I phoned the guest. Many of you had excellant responses... I would have known better what to say.. and I would have not given them the option to pay for his dinner.

My daughter graduated from college a year ago and is not yet on her feet yet.. her fiancee graduated in may and is working full time. We are not asking them to help pay for the wedding and reception because they are not able, however we have told them that they can pay for the limo and a keg of beer at the reception. I feel those are ''extra''s'' and they have no problem with covering those items.

I chatted with my son a few weeks ago about some of the reception issues and it didnt take him long to put my thoughts back to where they should be. He gave me the same lecture that I gave him 1 1/2 years ago when he was planning his wedding and was getting too wrapped up in the details of the reception. The marriage begins with the wedding at the church. The reception is only a celebration. What ever happens at the reception is minor. It is the wedding that is the most important part of the day.

thank you again to all of you who took the time to give me your thoughts.
 
Here is an update for you.. remember my post mid-august about the rsvp guest who added an extra one? I phoned and politely asked them to cover the expense for the uninvited friend? We had a lovely wedding and reception yesterday and those people didnt show. Yep.. they chumped us totally. All FIVE of them. I think I should give them a phone call and politely tell them that when people rsvp and the count is called in... that regardless of wether they attend or not.. the host is charged and pays for them/ Perhaps they wont be so ill-mannered the next time they are invited to a formal event. What do you think? Any suggestions for my approach? thank you Joyce
 
Oh.. I should tell you also.. .I anticipated this non-show at the reception and had already removed their family from the guest lists before I phoned in the final count to the caterer.

Joyce
 
Do not call them. Let it go.
 
I have a feeling that they ALREADY know you''d have to pay for their empty seats/plate & DON''T CARE. Therefore - calling to vent would only serve the purpose of stirring up more animosity & drama. Clearly they were angry at your phone call asking them to pay for the extra guest, and decided to "act out" in this manner. If it was an innocent emergency or something, they would have called to give their "regrets" in advance.

But I agree with the previous poster. Let. It. Go.
 
Congratulate yourself for having put on a lovely wedding/reception for your daughter, AND for being so clever to anticipate these clods no-showing.

Then let it go.

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I just caught up with this thread.

I agree. Let it go. This doesn''t dignify a phone call, nor your effort to express your disappointment. It clearly doesn''t matter to them.

It''s their loss for skipping out on what sounded like a wonderful wedding, and if it''s solely because of their teenager''s boyfriend, well...

Congratulations!
 
Thank you for your replies..and for helping me keep my head on straight. Wow.. I realize I am not thinking straight.. so glad I came to you for advice. I did not anticipate what is happening to me! I should be happy that my daughter has married the man of her dreams. I am experiencing a lot of different emotions today. Happy.. and then sad. Sad that I will no longer have her at home. Sad about things that we both planned to do around here to make things better... even sad about the savings account I FINALLY had after 30 some years.. and planning to replace the ugly ugly old old orange carpet in this house with new floors!!! and now the money is gone.. went to a beautiful wedding and reception.. for a lovely beautiful and grateful daughter.

geesh.. is this saddness normal!!!

anyway.. thank you for helping me keep my head on straight.. so glad that all of you can see things clearly!
 
I would just let it go. They were probably mad. If they are friends (or relatives) that you will see often then maybe you might want to consider how to talk about it.

As far as the emotions go, I know my mom was all over the place when I got married 3 yrs ago. SHe loves my hubby, but was so sad to know that I was moving out. (I am the youngest of 3- and the only girl- in a greek family) so while she was happy for the wedding, she was not happy to see me go.
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Oh, and I moved to Canada from NY so I wasn''t even going to be close. tough

They also provided us with a wonderful wedding, for which I am foever grateful. I was 1 yr out of school and my hubby had just graduated. If it wasn''t for what they did for us, the wedding, my school expenses, we wouldn''t be in a decent position today.

We are planning to change out her old carpets once her old dog dies, which will be soon, and maybe take on the kitchen too.
I just know that there is a circle of life and that some kids will turn around and help out their parents too. I believe that is the way it should be. :)


Congrats on making a wonderful day for your daughter!
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Date: 8/27/2006 9:07:42 PM
Author: snaffle
I realize I am not thinking straight.. .. is this saddness normal!!!
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Awww! Snaffle! I should have known it wasn''t really about the no-show cads you didn''t even expect to come.

I haven''t been where you are right now but my heart goes out to you & I''m sure it''s quite "normal"!

One question: Do. You. Already. Have. A. Dog? If not - now is the time for a tiny Pomeranian, or Chihuahua or, my personal fave, Papillon PUPPY.

Hang in gal!
 
I just caught this thread, and I''m so glad that you were able to anticipate the rude guests not coming.

Like the others said, let it go.

And, my mom was SOOOOOO sad about my getting married... at the ceremony she looked like she was walking to a funeral coming down the aisle (I know from the pics) and she cried when we did the parents gifts... I couldn''t look at her because I didn''t want to start bawling too. Anyway, just want to say you''re not the only one!
 
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