things have changed, and an appology

[eaglesfem]

Hi everyone,

I made a post a while ago, and since then I have not had a chance to get back on here to thank you or reply to the answers i got. I am sorry if it seemed I was ignoring anyone.

my thread is here if you need it: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/do-i-just-tell-him.83034/

anyway I took your advice, i just told him. I just asked him if he would like my ring size, so that when the time comes he can then propose and it will be a suprise, etc. he said yes, and the next day we went out looking at rings, and I got my wedding finger measured. I briefly showed him a couple rings that I liked, and he said I had confirmed what he already knew, so thats a good sign.

Anyway, once home that night we started to once again talk about marriage. It went really well and I felt like I had an "almost" timeline, he did tell me he planned on being actually married to me within the next 2-3 years (actually engaged and married within that time) and he told me why etc. we talked about it for a few hours, and both came out of it feeling clearer about everything, we both agreed that the 2-3 years would be a good timeline, for him because he is in the process of changing jobs right now, we also lost the car as it was a company car. and for me, i am in a dead end very low paying job, and would prefare to get somewhere in my career before we do it, amongst other things.

That was almost three weeks ago, and since then we have been looking a lot online at destination weddings, venues, etc and had the 2-3 year thing in the back of our minds, then it happened.

About a week and a half ago his sister called and told him she had something to tell him, she told him their mother had been taken to hospital, had tests, got the results back, and didnt tell them about it as she didnt want to worry them. it turns out his mum has been told she has developed angina, and has had two mild heart attacks, all without telling her kids anything, only his dad knew. his mother is in her 70s. apparently she found out months ago but kept it from everyone as she was scared.

she has just got home from a 3 day stay in hospital, yesterday we were supposed to go see her, but instead i told him to go spend some time with her alone as im sure she would love to see just him sometimes, and with her being ill i didnt think she would appreciate a housefull of people. he agreed and away he went. he stayed with her for about 4 hours.

He got home after the visit and he seemed different, quiet. I knew straight away that he was upset, so i asked him if he needed to talk, he just poured out all his feelings about how this has hit him hard, and that for the first time in his life he is actually scared about loosing his mum. he said that she "wasnt herself" "quiet" "introvert" "she didnt have that usual jest for life she has always had" etc etc. she has also been having breathing difficulties, and loosing weight etc.

Ater saying all that he suddenly blurted out that he wanted to marry me, I was confused as I didnt have a clue if he had just asked me to marry him or not haha, i turned to him and asked him to explain what he just said. he told me the thing with him mum has made him think about life and important stuff, and that his only wish is that his mum gets to see us get married as he only wants to do it once in his life, and he wants his mum to be there.

He said "what if shes not around in 3 years?", i mean, yes he has a point, in 3 years she will be late 70s, ill health, but at the same time i want us to do the right thing. I dont want him to turn around in 10 years and tell me he only married me because he wanted his mum to see it and he wasnt really ready or whatever, is that valid? we thought about it most of the night, and both liked the idea of having a simple civil service, with his parents there and then keeping to our origional plan and in say 3 years renew our vows and have an honeymoon.

we are just both really confused right now and dont want to make a mistake, we have gone from 3 years to ASAP and its a lot to take in for us both, i would have no problem with a simple wedding, that is what we both want anyway, its just in my head about him not being ready and kind of feeling like he feels like he has to do it now when he wouldnt have done in other circumstances. what do we do in this situation?

 

[gwendolyn]

Wow, that''s a lot of stuff going on, honey. *hugs* I don''t think you should feel pressure to get married this very instant, because you''re right, you could look back and realize you made a huge decision on the spur of the moment based on nothing other than fear (of his mom not being there). That being said, the two of you already had a plan to get married in the relatively near future, and it sounds like your reasons are more financial than emotional. Since you are ok with having a civil service to get married sooner rather than later, this is definitely an option if you feel it will give you the best of both worlds, but I don''t think it has to be this very second that you decide this.

Your boyfriend is going through a LOT, and I think he will need some time to fully adjust to the situation. I do think that people do tend to re-evaluate their priorities in life when something like this happens, so it''s not necessarily something that''s only coming out of the sadness and fear he has surrounding his mom''s present condition. I think you should sit on the decision for a couple of weeks and talk about it again when the shock has worn off. Maybe he will still be insistent on marrying you soon so his mother will definitely be able to be there, or maybe not. But I definitely think it would be wise to let the shock abate before deciding when and how to get hitched.

 

[purrfectpear]

I would marry the man I love. It sounds as though he loves you very much. I think seeing his mom so ill made him evaluate the priorities in his life. He suddenly realized that no one is promised tomorrow and that he wants to have you as his wife NOW. The fact that he would like for his mom to be there is significant, but I don''t think for a minute that he is marrying you in haste or will regret it later (based on what you said).

If you believe that the two of you will be happy and that you can work together as a couple, supporting each other through lifes good times and bad, then go for it

One way to think of it is this; what if he got ill? Would you want to marry him now? Do you think you would only be marrying him because he was ill? Sometimes life crisis just motivate us to do now what we always thought we''d get around to eventually.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/11/2008 10:35:00 AM
Author: purrfectpear

If you believe that the two of you will be happy and that you can work together as a couple, supporting each other through lifes good times and bad, then go for it

ditto with purrfect pear. You guys had a plan to get married anyway so if you are happy to get married sooner, than I would. It sounds like you guys have a great relationship.

 

[Codependent Gal]

Death or illness in a close family member is a huge deal. I lost my mom a few years ago, and went from a fun and outgoing girl to an overly anxious "codependent gal" overnight. I definitely think that something that major can encourage a person to want to hold on to the ones that they love. He probably also realizes that if she does die, he will need your love and support more than ever.

If you wanted to get married sooner rather than later anyway then you should go for it!

 

[surfgirl]

I''m going to go against the above posts and say STOP! And wait a bit before you make this huge life decision. IMO, you shouldn''t get married quickly because of another person''s situation. Also, my father has had three open heart surgeries and from what I know about heart issues, angina in itself isn''t life threatening - it simply refers to the tightening feeling in the chest when one has heart issues. There are 3 types of angina and only one is really life threatening because it''s random. The others are easily treatable. It could be something as basic as needing a the right medication combination, or a procedure to clean out her arteries like an angioplasty, which is a very common, easy to recover from procedure. I dont get much info from your post about what''s actually wrong with his mother. Also, it is completely normal for someone who''s just had heart incidents and a diagnosis of heart issues to become quite depressed. It''s a huge life moment when one has to face their own mortality, whether immediate or in the distant future. So her demeanor is very normal for her situation. She should be referred to both individual and group therapy with others in her situation so she can learn to accept and cope with whatever her diagnosis is. I know it''s helped my father a great deal to be able to talk to others who''ve gone through what he was going thought, and to see that many had come out just fine.

On a personal note, my husband and I were together for a very long time before we got married last year. My grandmother knew him very well and loved him. Unfortunately she passed away 6 months before he proposed and 11 months before we got married. Do I wish she''d been around so we could have told her we finally got married? Of course. But it didn''t happen that way and honestly, it happened on the timeline that it was supposed to happen so I have no regrets. Now, I cant speak for you or your guy, but I''d sit on this for a little bit before making a final decision because based on your post, it feels like it''s a knee jerk reaction. And it doesnt'' sound like his mom is in imminent danger right now. I think you''d be better served discussing something this important with real people that you know in real life...like your close friends and family.

 

[FrekeChild]

I know how you feel. Only I''m on your BFs side of things. My mom has stage 4 breast cancer and was recently admitted into the hospital for fluid in her lungs. She had surgery and is doing better now, but that doesn''t change the fact that she has a slim chance (18-20%) of being around in 2-3 years. Which is when BF and I have estimated we''d be able to get married. She very much wants us to get married or at least engaged, so that she knows I''ll be "taken care of". I am open to the idea of having a super long engagement and continuing the plan of getting married in 3 years, but he is not. His reasoning is that we shouldn''t be rushed into something because we''ll always wonder if we did it because they wanted us to or we wanted to. Yes, we both want to get engaged, we''ve had numerous discussions about it-and obviously a time line set in place. His own mother passed away in November 2005 and this is something thats very difficult to deal with, for both of us, especially because he didn''t meet me until March of 2006. But with our situation it is just about impossible for us to feasibly get married before one of us graduates, me with my BA in December 2009, and him with his PhD around Spring 2010-2010. Because I''m totally supported financially by my parents and he makes just enough to live off of.

But as surfgirl said, this is not a imminent life-threatening problem. I don''t know that you should rush into something like this. I know that I''m not going to. I love my mom very very much, but we aren''t ready yet. In fact, when I think about my wedding, my two requirements are: we get married, and that my mom is there. But I can''t help extenuating circumstances, and I don''t want to get married early and have my poor dad supporting us financially until we can get jobs.

I would listen to surf. I think that you have a wonderful relationship from what I''ve read in your few posts, but I wouldn''t want to rush into anything. Perhaps start thinking about getting engaged now, and getting married in a year, but don''t jump into anything without looking at all solutions from all angles.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/11/2008 1:37:02 PM
Author: surfgirl
I''m going to go against the above posts and say STOP! And wait a bit before you make this huge life decision.

Not all of the above posts--I said to wait also.

 

[Blair138]

I can understand what you are going through-my grandmother recently went through something similar. She went into the hospital for what we thought was pneumonia and ended up having bypass surgery a week later. She had 2 80% blockages and ended up with a double bypass. We also found out she had a heart attack sometime in her life because of scar tissue in her heart. She is 80 years old and my mom and aunts were so worried and thought it could be the end. I''ll be honest-I did too. What I learned was that, like Surfgirl said, it may seem really bad now, but it will almost surely get better. My grandma looked horrible the day after her surgery-but she was ALIVE. People in hospitals get depressed and begin to think it may be better if they just died, my grandma is going through this now. She is doing GREAT and is almost back to normal but we are forcing her to see the bright side of things. Hospitals suck and people aren''t themselves because it''s not fun to be confined to a bed all day.

What I''m trying to get at is-Yes things may seem gloomy right now-but don''t rush into anything you are not sure of-you said you didn''t want to get married and have him say later down the road that the only reason he married you was because his mom was ill. Give it a little bit. Let things calm down and then really see what you want to do. Don''t rush into anything during a stressful time like this. I hope things get better for his mom. Good Luck.

 

[Just_Me]

Very tough stuff. Just wanted to wish you well no matter what you decide.

 

[HollyS]

Ditto to surfgirl. RIGHT NOW is not the time. She isn''t dying. She isn''t terminal. Don''t make a life-changing decision based upon her current health. If you guys need clarification of her condition, get it. Your BF has not thought this through; he was making a snap decision based upon his own worry about her health. Give it some time; see how she progresses.

 

[Pushin40]

I''m so sorry - I know how hard this is.

This is a very personal decision that you and your boyfriend need to discuss again, when he''s not too emotional, and do what you feel is RIGHT for THE TWO OF YOU. If you want to be married, and will do it anyways, it may be totally acceptable to make sure Mom is there as long as the two of you have no regrets. Even if she''s not terminal, its OK to look at this from the angle that she may not be around in 3 years or so. Life unfortunately has no guarentees and we can never go back to yesterday.

I think of my 93 year old grandmother all the time, and the only reason I want to be engaged now, as opposed to later, is so she''ll have the chance to know I''ll be taken care of. She loves my BF so much. She is my last "parent".

I, personally, would do anything to have my Mom or my Dad see me married but that''s not an option. That pretty much kills me, and my wedding day will be very emotional because they are not around.

Do whatever feels right - its your life and your wedding date is something you CAN control.

 

[October2008bride]

Wow. That is definitely tough. I''m sure you''ll make the right decision, but since you asked...

I wouldn''t do it yet. I think a 2-3 year timeline is VERY different from an ASAP deadline. I don''t think this is the right reason to bump it up. From the sounds of how you developed the timeline, it seems like you both needed longer to take the next step.

Honestly, if you were already engaged and it was the issue of bumping the wedding date up, that would be different in my eyes. I just don''t get the sense that either of you are ready to be engaged yet and this isn''t the right reason to rush it.

I''ll tell you a semi-personal story. My sister''s husband - when they were dating, his dad came down with a very bad case of terminal cancer. They basically watched him suffer until he finally found peace in death. It was a horrible situation. My sister and her then FF knew that they were going to get married eventually. That wasn''t a question. A few months prior to the dad''s death, my sister''s future MIL pulled her son aside and told him to buy a ring - to do it now - for his dad''s sake. She even offered the cash if that is what would help.

Even though he knew he would propse eventually anyways, her FF said no. That isn''t what he wanted ''tainting'' the proposal. What he did do was sit down with his dad, and tell him how truly happy he was, how he felt so blessed to have found my sister, the woman he was going to marry. His father told him how happy it made him feel to know that his son was so happy, and that he had been able to see his son grow up to the point where he was about to start a family of his own.

His father then sat down with my sister, welcomed her to the family, and asked her to take care of his son the same way she already had been. And that was that.

They are now happily married and they did it on their own time, without my sister feeling like the only reason he proposed was because of his dad''s illness.

Anyways - that''s my story (well...my sister''s story!) but I thought that it might help you in your decision.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 5/13/2008 9:11:45 PM
Author: October2008bride
Wow. That is definitely tough. I''m sure you''ll make the right decision, but since you asked...

I wouldn''t do it yet. I think a 2-3 year timeline is VERY different from an ASAP deadline. I don''t think this is the right reason to bump it up. From the sounds of how you developed the timeline, it seems like you both needed longer to take the next step.

Honestly, if you were already engaged and it was the issue of bumping the wedding date up, that would be different in my eyes. I just don''t get the sense that either of you are ready to be engaged yet and this isn''t the right reason to rush it.

I''ll tell you a semi-personal story. My sister''s husband - when they were dating, his dad came down with a very bad case of terminal cancer. They basically watched him suffer until he finally found peace in death. It was a horrible situation. My sister and her then FF knew that they were going to get married eventually. That wasn''t a question. A few months prior to the dad''s death, my sister''s future MIL pulled her son aside and told him to buy a ring - to do it now - for his dad''s sake. She even offered the cash if that is what would help.

Even though he knew he would propse eventually anyways, her FF said no. That isn''t what he wanted ''tainting'' the proposal. What he did do was sit down with his dad, and tell him how truly happy he was, how he felt so blessed to have found my sister, the woman he was going to marry. His father told him how happy it made him feel to know that his son was so happy, and that he had been able to see his son grow up to the point where he was about to start a family of his own.

His father then sat down with my sister, welcomed her to the family, and asked her to take care of his son the same way she already had been. And that was that.

They are now happily married and they did it on their own time, without my sister feeling like the only reason he proposed was because of his dad''s illness.

Anyways - that''s my story (well...my sister''s story!) but I thought that it might help you in your decision.

That story just made me tear up!

 

[ringless]

If I were in your situation, I would marry my bf in a heartbeat, just because I''m SO there and ready for that step. I understand if you''re not ready, but it seems like you both were so excited, talking about it, planning to have a destination wedding, looking at rings and online for things wedding related, that it was like you were planning something anyway, so why not make it sooner?

My step father is getting older and it makes me sad to even THINK that one day he could pass and wont be able to walk me down the isle. Even though I''m not yet engaged, I told my bf that I would want him to walk me down the isle before he were to pass if he were to become ill or something... he agreed and understands. I guess it''s just a preference. I wouldn''t consider it rushing into things by any means if that''s what you both ultimately want!

 

[claireabelle]

I''m so sorry to hear about your circumstances... it must be so hard to see you partner go through this.
In regards to the wedding...It sounds like the timeline was purely for financial reasons - and not a ''buffer'' period.
You have previously discussed marriage and already began looking at rings etc... so the emotional commitment was already there before his mothers health problems arose.
I think that it''s beautiful that he wants his mother there to share the celebration. It says that he is proud to marry you and wants to share the day with his family.

Things don''t always go to plan... it doesn''t necessarily mean he is rushing in.

However, only you can decide if it''s the right thing to do. make sure you really talk it through with him.

 

[eaglesfem]

everyone has given a lot of good advice to me, thankyou.

I decided to leave it, not bring things up and just see what happened, I did tell my bf that i was here if he needed to talk, and then i left it. neither of us has brought it up since, but we seem to have slipped back into looking online at dest.weddings! i think even though it is unsaid right now, that both of us deep down want to do this our way in our own time. i wouldnt want either of us to feel rushed into getting married.

Its hard because i see it from all three sides, and so does he, and so does his mother herself, so i think, in the end we will be able to work all this out. i guess it will just take a little time and thought.

she is in no way forcing us or pushing us, its my bf that brought the whole thing up, a lot of things have been blurted out, and i completly understand he is hurting right now and i will not take everything he says as 100 per cent until he has a clear head.

once again, thankyou for the replies, and i will come back on tomorrow if you need more info, its 1.30 am almost here and im heading to bed..

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend''s mother. I wish her well.

I understand how this becomes another factor in making your decision. I have a friend who was living with his girlfriend and decided to get married probably a few years before they would have due to her father becoming ill. We had a save the date for March. Several months beforehand I got an email saying they had gotten married in a quiet family ceremony and would plan a big reception for a later time. His illness had accelerated. I totally understand her wanting her father to be at her wedding.

But I don''t think these things are just about wanting the ill parent to be at the event. I think that they remind us how precious life is, so then our logistical reasons for getting married at a different time might not seem so important. They make us want to cling to the people we love; they help us get past the little nagging fears that might have made us go more slowly otherwise.

Whatever happens, I wish you and your boyfriend et al health and happiness!