this kinda bummed me out...

[LazyDaisy]

I''ve been doing pretty well with not stressing about the lack of engagement plans. I also think the BF has begun to notice my complete lack of mentioning or even hinting at anything future-related and he has become more attentive. By saying nothing, I avoid fighting and I also get more affection-- awesome! My outlook has been excellent lately... until tonight.

Through the wonders of myspace, I have discovered that the guy before the future Mr. LazyDaisy got married this weekend, and I have seen pictures. Now, don''t get me wrong-- on the one hand I am breathing a HUGE sigh of relief that I dodged that bullet, because though I think "C" is a fabulous human being he had a lot of issues. I am also extremely happy for him, because he deserves the best in life and I do believe he has found the perfect person for him. However, I am one jealous LIW. Not for the reasons you think though...

Looking at those pictures, I didn''t find myself thinking about the dress or the ceremony or what I did and didn''t like. All I saw was the love that just radiated off the screen. I want my BF to look at me the way C looked at his wife. I want to feel that same intense emotion from him that I used to, and I wonder-- if he''s so hesitant to make or even think about future plans right now, will he ever look at me that way? Even when he marries me, what if it''s only because he gets tired of being single and is too lazy to do the dating thing all over again? I know he''ll propose eventually, but I wonder if he''ll ever feel that passionate about it.

So I guess the point of this message is that I''m bummed out once again about not even being in the process of thinking of getting engaged, but even more than that I''m disappointed that I don''t seem to have that head-over-heels thing from BF anymore. Am I being ridiculous? And how do I deal with these feelings that have crept up from C''s wedding?

 

[decodelighted]

Well ... you're comparing "C"'s wedding day bliss as captured by a photo to everyday hum-drum, less photogenic actual LIFE that you're having with your BF.

Realize that you may be projecting what you *think* you see or what you'd *want* to see into the photos. A photo doesn't tell the whole story. But if a couple is EVER going to look their happiest -- it might be that day.

It's easy to idealize other people's lives ... especially with thousands of dollars worth of flowers strewn around & fancy clothes etc. So ... feel your feelings, but challenge your assumptions by acknowledging that you don't know all the facts (heck -- they could have had a raging fight 10 minutes before the ceremony, yet still be in love & happy to wed) then get some distance from the raw emotion/jealousy???/envy?? ... and then take a look at your own relationship & figure out if your needs are being met. If you're *asking* for what you need. If you see yourself growing apart from your BF or growing together.

Hope that made any sense ...

 

[poptart]

Well, the head over heels feeling doesn''t stay constant the longer you date, but it is (or should be) replaced with a feeling of comfort and security. Just because you date a long time doesn''t mean that all the passion has to die away. Have you communicated these feelings to your boyfriend? It''s amazing how much a simple talk like that can help reaffirm your relationship. Don''t feel so down in the dumps!

*M*

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is just being honest to admit some of your feelings. Don't we all wish to be looked upon with love and passion, and know that our guy chose us because he could not live without us? No one wants to think they got their man because he was just too lazy or unmotivated to date and sinced he cared enough, it was doable? We want to be the ultimate to someone. Have you been together long? Are you just in a new more settled phase of your relationship? Maybe you are sort of feeling that now, which is just a part of the time passing in the relationship. Bottom line, communication is key, whatever point your are at in the relationship. And do not judge anything by a photo, since it just represents a moment, and if you cannot look happy on your wedding day, when can you?!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/24/2007 10:58:41 PM
Author: decodelighted
Well ... you''re comparing ''C''''s wedding day bliss as captured by a photo to everyday hum-drum, less photogenic actual LIFE that you''re having with your BF.

Realize that you may be projecting what you *think* you see or what you''d *want* to see into the photos. A photo doesn''t tell the whole story. But if a couple is EVER going to look their happiest -- it might be that day.

It''s easy to idealize other people''s lives ... especially with thousands of dollars worth of flowers strewn around & fancy clothes etc. So ... feel your feelings, but challenge your assumptions by acknowledging that you don''t know all the facts (heck -- they could have had a raging fight 10 minutes before the ceremony, yet still be in love & happy to wed) then get some distance from the raw emotion/jealousy???/envy?? ... and then take a look at your own relationship & figure out if your needs are being met. If you''re *asking* for what you need. If you see yourself growing apart from your BF or growing together.

Hope that made any sense ...

Yup, yup, yup...our wise deco has hit the nail on the head, for me anyways, again.

There are days when my DH and I roll our eyes at one another, get annoyed with each other, don''t want to be connected at the hip (and we''re pretty sappy, i.e. I run to the garage every time he comes home to great him among other goofy things). We don''t always stare at one another lovingly, sometimes we flat our bug the crap outta each other. Point being, marriage is not all lovely dovey looks, sunshine and roses, it can be tough...it''s those intimate moments, that were caught on film at your ex''s wedding, that keep things alive...but they are moments, interspersed into the rest of life, which can be not so touching at times.

 

[LazyDaisy]

Thank you all for the replies. To clarify a bit, BF and I have been together many years now and I understand completely about the initial head-over-heels phase being replaced by something more genuine and lasting. I am ok with that to an extent. I guess I just feel like I''m being taken for granted, so much so that I''m at a point of wondering if BF would ever be *excited* to marry me at all. That''s the thing-- it''s the excitement, the enthusiasm for a life together, that I want. Even if we can''t get married now because of money/school/jobs, I''d like to feel like the idea is something that he''s enthusiastic about. He used to be very excited about marriage, but not so anymore. He says the whole topic stresses him out and he doesn''t want to even think about it right now. He also says he still wants to eventually, he just doesn''t want to think about it. I don''t understand how you can honestly want something that you can''t bring yourself to think about, so I''m sitting here wondering if he will ever be excited about it-- even on our wedding day. That''s what I envy-- people who can know for sure that their BF''s really *want* to marry them and are excited about it.

I know a relationship requires communication, but we''ve communicated the marriage thing to death. Finally I put the brakes on it and we decided we''ll talk about it again in 2008. I don''t think talking about it at this point would do anything other than open up wounds that haven''t had time to heal yet. Besides, what possible result can come from a discussion about how I feel taken for granted? What can he say? All he''ll do is feel backed into a corner or criticized and get defensive, and nothing will get better. Or even if it does get better, I''ll think he''s only doing it because I told him to act that way. I''m concerned with the feelings behind the actions, so there''s nothing he can do. How do I communicate what I''m feeling without creating more issues than we already have?

 

[Secret Proposal]

Date: 9/25/2007 12:00:01 AM
Author: LazyDaisy
Thank you all for the replies. To clarify a bit, BF and I have been together many years now and I understand completely about the initial head-over-heels phase being replaced by something more genuine and lasting. I am ok with that to an extent. I guess I just feel like I''m being taken for granted, so much so that I''m at a point of wondering if BF would ever be *excited* to marry me at all. That''s the thing-- it''s the excitement, the enthusiasm for a life together, that I want. Even if we can''t get married now because of money/school/jobs, I''d like to feel like the idea is something that he''s enthusiastic about. He used to be very excited about marriage, but not so anymore. He says the whole topic stresses him out and he doesn''t want to even think about it right now. He also says he still wants to eventually, he just doesn''t want to think about it. I don''t understand how you can honestly want something that you can''t bring yourself to think about, so I''m sitting here wondering if he will ever be excited about it-- even on our wedding day. That''s what I envy-- people who can know for sure that their BF''s really *want* to marry them and are excited about it.

I know a relationship requires communication, but we''ve communicated the marriage thing to death. Finally I put the brakes on it and we decided we''ll talk about it again in 2008. I don''t think talking about it at this point would do anything other than open up wounds that haven''t had time to heal yet. Besides, what possible result can come from a discussion about how I feel taken for granted? What can he say? All he''ll do is feel backed into a corner or criticized and get defensive, and nothing will get better. Or even if it does get better, I''ll think he''s only doing it because I told him to act that way. I''m concerned with the feelings behind the actions, so there''s nothing he can do. How do I communicate what I''m feeling without creating more issues than we already have?

Quick Male Perspective....If I may.....

If you have communicated the marriage thing to death, you obviously didn''t get your point and feelings across to him. By putting the brakes on it, in his mind, you are fine with putting it off. You need to communicate to him your feelings now. Not what they are based on an arbitrary timeline the two of you agreed upon. Marriage talk should NOT be like opening a wound. If thats the case, maybe he''s not the kind of guy for you. Sorry for the bluntness, but from the male mind, I believe that he feels like you are fine with everything at this point. Bring it up to him. See his reaction to it. Positive or negative, it will tell you a lot about him and more importantly, your relationship with him.

 

[miss_flo]

I am definitely in the same position as you. My ex just proposed to the girl he left me for 2 years ago.

Like the other girls said, wedding pictures truly show people at their happiest. Everything is a caricaturization of real life - bigger smiles, nicer clothes, better looking food, etc. I''d say if your ex didn''t look ecstatic, he was doing something wrong. Look forward to the fact that you can cherish that with your boyfriend in the future, and remember, there''s no better revenge than having cuter wedding pictures.

 

[bee*]

I had the exact feelings you had about a year and a half ago (not the ex-bf thing but I so felt taken for granted). I am never one to keep quiet when I''m not happy so I did talk to my bf about it and things did improve. You really summed up how I was feeling about the whole engagement and marriage and would D ever look at me the way other men looked at their gf''s/wives. Looking back on it now, I think it was because he wasn''t ready at all to get engaged. Things are completely different now that he''s ready to get engaged and plan our wedding. Not sure what the purpose of all that I''ve written is, but just know that things do get better, especially when he''s ready for all the same things you are. Hopefully when you talk about it next year, you''ll be engaged soon after that.