Time to say goodbye.

[KCCutie]

Hello all!

I don''t know if you''ve been wondering what happened to me or not....and I really thought by now I would have fallen off the list b/c I don''t log on anymore...but it is time for me to say goodbye and I''d like to be taken off the list. I should have done it long ago but I couldn''t bring myself to do it.

My (now ex) SO and I were really having a hard time and in Feb. I moved out and we decided to break up. Long story short we have been able to remain friends and I think we are now working towards getting back together. Last night we had a long talk about everything that went wrong and I came to realize that I had somehow become obsessed with getting engaged and marrying him...and I don''t know how it happened. Sure I want to get married and I want to have a family but I was never in a rush....but then people all around us started to get married and our families started pressuring us too, and it got to me. The we started to talk about getting engaged and somehow that little part of me went into overdrive. I was out of control and it really wasn''t me at all. I''m sorry to say this b/c I loved coming here and talking to everyone here...but I''ve come to realize that it just didn''t help me....and unfortuantely it probably made things worse for me. Don''t get me wrong my going overboard in this area was absolutely not the only thing that led to our break-up....but it was up there on the top of the list....and it was one thing I should have been able to control where as some of the other reasons were beyond anyone''s control.

Please don''t think I''m trying to bring you all down. I wish everyone on the list the best of luck!

Love and lots of *dust* to everyone!

 

[sunnyd]

KC, I''m sorry you went through that. It happen to the best of us, and it''s completely understandable that you had to take a break. All the best, and hopefully everything works out the way you want it to soon. Take care!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

KCCutie, I know I''m not a LIW, but wanted to say that I''ve definitely been wondering where you''ve been! I grew up in KC, so when you an the ex were looking at houses last year I always wondered if you ended up buying something together.

I just want to tell you not to be hard on yourself about wanting to be engaged or married. I understand going off the deep end and and bringing it up out of anxiety (I''ve been there), but the bottom line is that the reaon you brought it up was because it was important to you. Don''t ever feel that your anxiety is the REASON it didn''t happen--the reason it didn''t is because he wasn''t ready. It sounds like you are on the mend and so long as you are both on the same page now, I can see why taking a step back may have been important to you. Just make sure you are not stepping back into the same situation--something on his end needs to have changed so that you KNOW you are headed towards marriage. I''ve seen too many women walk away from a relatoinship that isn''t meeting her needs only to get back into the same relationship without any change on his end...then they just end up in the same frustrated place.

How is everything else going for you? Is the job going well?

I wish you the best!

 

[KCCutie]

Aww...thanks sunnyd and NEL!

NEL - We didn''t end up buying a house and really this downward spiral all started when I lost my job and of course any chance of getting a house went with it. My being unemployed was so hard on both of us....I was depressed and felt like a failure and he didn''t know what to do. It is true that I do want to get married and have a family...I could never deny that it''s just so much of my life was out of control that I just gave in and let that tiny part of me take over. One of the big reasons my ex decided to say goodbye was b/c he wasn''t ready and he felt like he was being unfair to me making me wait for him...and to everyone else who really wanted this for us...of course that was among several other things. So I''m not beatingmyslef up but I''m not going to let it happen again.....from now on as far as that is concerned - what happens... happens.

He is changing....we talked about this last nigth and it''s b/c he wants to and needs to for him. I''m so proud of him. He''s stopped a lot of his immature behaviors and is starting to grow up (yes...finally at almost 33) He was terribly unhappy stuck in the apartment we shared and he finally moved out and into a nice place that he can be proud of. He says it''s "legit" I think it''s classy and grown-up.

He says he feels like he doing what most people do after college when they get settled in their career and get a new car and nice place to live and start their adult life. We''re not even back together...maybe we''re dating (I know it''s weird that I''m not sure huh?)...but he''s taking some time right now to see this change through and we''re not going to talk relationship until he feels he''s gotten there which I think is very smart. We''re going to remain friends...we talk or text every day and see each other for a friendly dinner or just to hang out twice a week or so (and have been doing that since May) we also have some fun creative projects that we are working on together. We really enjoy connecting on that level as well.

Yes.

The job is good! I finally had to leave the wonderful contract job that I was working (and that I just adored) in May and took a job with an on-line University that has offices in town. It''s something new and different so I enjoy it...and as a bonus I ''m now working towards my MBA for FREE!

After I took the job I moved (out of my parent''s house yet again) and got a wonderful apartment downtown and I really love it! My cute as a button licking machine of a austrailian cattle dog passed away (kinda suddenly) in March and I told myself I wasn''t getting a new dog for quite some time...well that lasted until October...I resuced a funny little French Bulldog and she makes me laugh every day....So overall I''m doing good! Thank you so much for asking. Checking abck in makes me wonder about all my PS friends maybe I''ll stick around in the non ER forums and catch up!

 

[monarch64]

KCcutie, glad to hear things are working out for you now. (Sorry to hear about your job loss, your dog, and the relationship troubles, though). I hope things continue to go well. You know, it''s good that you and your SO were honest about things and that you realized you were letting your excitement over engagement and marriage get in the way of the relationship itself. Life is a learning process and sometimes it IS possible to go back and fix things that seem broken beyond repair. Absolutely nothing wrong with learning and growing when it evolves into positive changes. Good for you! Congrats on working on your MBA! Sounds like you have a very bright future ahead of you!

 

[HopeDream]

Hugs KCcutie!

It sounds like you''ve had a long journey away from PS, and though painful, ultimately you''ve benefited. I''m glad things are going fairly well for you now and I hope you''ll stick around and hang out with us more often.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I''ve been wondering about you KC. Glad to hear you are doing well. Sometimes PS gets to me too. And so I take a step away from it for a while. But if it isn''t working out for you, then I can understand where you are coming from. It creates a lot of pressure and when you were already feeling pressured...that isn''t good. I wish you all the best!

 

[lilyfoot]

KC, I''m sorry to hear what you''ve been going through. I hope things work out for you. Please don''t lose yourself in the fight to save your relationship.

 

[elrohwen]

Aww, I''m sorry you went through all of that.

I will say, don''t be so down about yourself for the whole engagement obsession! I think sometimes, we get really fixated on things when we feel like it''s not in our control to have them. I think on some level you knew your ex-SO wasn''t going to go down that road with you, so your brain fixated on it. So don''t be so hard on yourself because I don''t think you "messed it up" by your actions - more that your actions were a symptom of what was going on in your relationship, if that makes sense. When you find the right guy he''ll love that you''re so excited to get engaged! And you won''t obsess so much because you''ll be confident in where your relationship is going.

Best of luck to you! ((hugs))

 

[turboflgrl]

I'm so sorry!! *Dust* to you and I hope everything works out for the best! Just try to keep your head up and your spirits as high as you can. You'll get through this

 

[KCCutie]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I know that is why I loved coming here

As so many of you have said I promise I won''t lose myself in the process of working on this relationship. That is great advise and I will certainly take it to heart.

To the many of you who said not to be so hard on myself and think that my wanting to get married caused the break-up. I know that was only a small part of everything that happened...and it wasn''t just me...it was everyone...our friends our family our co-workers....it seemed like everyone was caught up in it. I thought I was only letting out my LIWitus here but the anxiety was slowly leaking out in other unexpected ways. And though it may be hard to believe...getting all caught up in the engagement, ER, proposal hoopla really isn''t me. I''m not that girl....I became a lot of things that weren''t really me for a while and I lost myself...and I know this b/c now that I have found myself again I look back and think "who was that girl?" It''s been a while and I''ve thought about it a lot and I need to take resposibility for the things that I did that hurt us and the truth is being overly anxious (without any need) is one of those things. I felt anxious and out of control and I didn''t like that feeling, but at the time I didn''t know how to stop. Some of it couldn''t be helped and I understand that, but I could have done some things differently... and I have forgiven myself for not acting on the things that I could have done but didn''t do. I learned an important lesson and although it was hard it was something I needed to learn.

 

[janinegirly]

KCCutie, I'm not familiar with your story, but I'm sorry about what you've gone through--it's been a tough year! However I want to echo NEL's words. Alot of us go overboard during the LIW period, but for the most part it is simply a symptom of the real issue---ie ladies acting out due to frustration over not having their true needs met. Meaning if you are not liking what you became, it isn't necessarily because you just went coo-coo or let others' influence you..it's most likely because you have a need for the next stage of committment (which is totally legitimate need, it's the crux of all long term relationships!)... and the person you were with was either not there, denying this or trying to deflect the real issue.

Anyway, I just had to chime in on that. I know you said you need a break from all of this, so I probably am not helping, but do wish you the best of luck and hope you get what you want soon, even if it's in a different direction.

 

[KCCutie]

Date: 12/9/2009 2:48:51 PM
Author: janinegirly
KCCutie, I''m not familiar with your story, but I''m sorry about what you''ve gone through--it''s been a tough year! However I want to echo NEL''s words. Alot of us go overboard during the LIW period, but for the most part it is simply a symptom of the real issue---ie ladies acting out due to frustration over not having their true needs met. Meaning if you are not liking what you became, it isn''t necessarily because you just went coo-coo or let others'' influence you..it''s most likely because you have a need for the next stage of committment (which is totally legitimate need, it''s the crux of all long term relationships!)... and the person you were with was either not there, denying this or trying to deflect the real issue.

Anyway, I just had to chime in on that. I know you said you need a break from all of this, so I probably am not helping, but do wish you the best of luck and hope you get what you want soon, even if it''s in a different direction.

Oh, no...of course you''re fine. I would not have come back on to post this thread if I wasn''t able to handle it. And really it''s terribly sweet of everyone to take the time to post and support me and everyone here.

I''m not disagreeing with you that I do want to be married and have a family and you are 100% right the anxiety is normally a symptom..and it is true my SO at the time wasn''t quite there yet, but no one gave him a chance....Anyway, as you have read I was having lots of other issues at that time as well. I was fighting depression and really just not myself...depression and anxiety go hand in hand for me and and b/c I was depressed the anxiety got out of hand. It feels so good to finally be out of that fog and be myself again and I''m glad I have the clarity to look back and see what ugly things that kind of depression does to me so that it won''t happen again.

I wanted to clarify my story just in case someone out there is struggling with this b/c had someone told me this time last year that maybe I was depressed and that was amplifying all my anxiety it might have prompted me to see someone about it....and even if everything happened just the same with the break-up and all that...at least I would have taken care of myself sooner.