Time to Vent!

[Garnet]

It''s going to be nice to vent to some people who actually know where I''m coming from! I''m really glad I found this place. So here it goes...

I''ve been with my boyfriend since September of 2004, so we''re approaching 4 years now. We moved into a house together about 7 months ago and it''s been pretty awesome except for one thing... I was so sure he would have proposed by now! We''ve been together through thick and thin and knew we were meant to be from the very moment that we met. Everyone''s been asking us when we''re going to get married for the past couple of years, especially now that we live together, and he always tells them that he already has the perfect ring picked out. So why is he stalling? He''s been telling people that for over a year now.

I''ve become obsessed with planning our wedding over the last couple of months even though I have no freaking idea when it''s going to happen. I already know the color scheme, what dress I''m going to wear, the flower arrangements, the venue, literally everything. Now I wish I wouldn''t have done all of the research already because now that I know mostly what I want, it''s made it even more difficult to wait. We''re not even engaged yet and god knows how long he expects us to be engaged before we actually tie the knot, and here I am already excited about the wedding! It''s ridiculous.

When I bring up wedding details to my boyfriend he tells me his opinion and suggests different ideas as if we actually are planning our wedding so it''s very frustrating. If I ever hint that I''m wondering when we''ll actually get to have the wedding, he acts like it''s silly for me to need a time frame.

To make matters worse, it seems like everyone is getting engaged and married lately. Our best friends got married last year and the husband just upgraded her wedding band last week... she showed it to me this weekend and it is even more gorgeous than before, which I didn''t think was possible. Over dinner they kept bugging us about getting married, and then we found out a couple of our other friends just got engaged after only dating for 7 months! Honestly I feel jealous instead of happy when others get engaged, especially when they''ve put in less than half the time that I have.

My boyfriend is extremely sweet to me, makes me feel special all the time, is always doing things with me and for me, and I know he''s the one. I just don''t get why he keeps holding getting engaged over my head, like he''s teasing me with it, and yet he never proposes. I''m wondering if at this point, since we live together and I work, cook, do chores, all of that stuff, that maybe he feels like he already has everything he wants so what''s the point of spending money on a ring and a wedding? For this reason I am even considering moving back in with my parents (they would love it because they have a spare bedroom and miss me terribly) until he proposes. Do you guys think this would be a stupid move?

Thanks for reading this and I hope someone has advice for me... I literally feel like I''m going nuts, if I haven''t already!

 

[gwendolyn]

Hello, Garnet (ooh, that's my mom's birthstone!), welcome to PS!

First of all, I can understand why you are feeling frustrated. I know that, to you, seven months is an eternity, especially if he has the ring already. But...maybe he wants to wait until you've lived together a full year? Maybe he thinks, as 21 and 25, you two are a bit too young at present? It sounds like he definitely does WANT to marry you, otherwise he wouldn't be looking at rings and such.

The older you get, the more time seems to go by quickly. I know when I was 21, seven months felt like FOREVER. But honestly, that's almost no time at all, not when you're planning and being sure about the rest of your life. Maybe he's got something up his sleeve? Maybe it's a money issue? Maybe he is overwhelmed by the ring-buying process? (wouldn't be the first...)

One thing I would suggest is to try your absolute hardest to not compare the two of you as a couple to everyone else. Maybe they have 'put in less than half the time' you have, but it's not a promotion at work. This is your relationship, and it's ONLY between your boyfriend and you.

The other thing I would suggest is that, if you are seriously considering moving out (and therefore cutting back on your relationship with this guy), TALK TO HIM. Be really clear how unsure you feel, how you know he's had plans to get a ring for so long and that it's making you hurt and confused that he hasn't asked yet. Let him know that it's shaken your confidence in his intentions with you to the point that you are thinking of moving out. If you haven't said all these things to him, he probably thinks of it as a fun game, where he knows what will happen and he thinks you're both having fun with you in the dark. But, you aren't having fun. You're stressing. And no surprise is worth you getting upset over, so take the surprise element out of it and talk with him to get an idea of when he is going to do it. He doesn't have to tell you the exact date and time, but a timeframe that works for both of you so you can relax and go back to enjoying your relationship.

 

[someoneelse]

well, unfortunately i don''t have much in the way of advice because i''m in the same boat you are.... but i feel your pain!

chin up, honey!

to echo gwen''s post, she is right about the age thing. to be considering marriage at such a young age obviously shows you are much more mature than the average 21 year old. but you are still quite young. when i think about how i was at 21 compared to how i am now, there is a world of difference. not to say that you aren''t ready for marriage and your bf isn''t ready, just a personal observation about how i''ve changed in the past number of years. i''ve had many friends get married in the past several years, many at young ages, and more than a couple are divoced now.

what''s happening with other people shouldn''t impact your desire to get engaged. i understand the jealous feeling (been there myself) when it happens to other people, but marrying because it''s happening around you is the last reason to do it.

be sure to be very honest with your SO about the moving issue - from the little info i have, it seems like an ultimatum, which can be an immature reaction to not getting your way (it probably isn''t, but it seems like: ok, i''m going to move out even though things are good and that way he''ll propose faster). make sure you''re doing it for the right reasons and see if you can''t appreciate each day for what it is. being open and honest and explaining why you feel how you feel can only help.

 

[Just_Me]

Welcome!

And ditto what Gwendolyn said.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

You have to do what is best for you. If you are terribly unhappy in your current situation then moving home sounds like it could help to ease your anxiety a bit. I know I felt similar to you when I first joined this board but over time I've realized that everything that is leading up to our engagement is actually very fun. When I get out of bed every morning I think to myself "this could be the day" and when I go to sleep at night instead of filling my mind with thoughts about why today wasn't the day I simply think, "tomorrow could be the day".

I also own a house with my SO and absolutely felt like a proposal would be on the tails of the new house. A lot of time passed and I started to feel the way you are describing. I was ready to pack my stuff and move back home. I had everything in order. Before I made my final decision, I sat down with my SO and I told him exactly how I was feeling. I was very calm during the conversation (no fits or breakdowns). In turn he was very open to what I had to say and shed some light on how he was feeling and how he was thinking which eased my worries considerably.

I know how difficult it can be to put feelings like this out on the table. Especially if you feel you are being teased but it is important for you both that you communicate to him what you are thinking and let him tell you where he is coming from.

If you have a serious conversation with him and you put it on the table that you are thinking of leaving you have to be prepared to follow through. There's no backbone behind an empty threat. So make sure you WANT to leave and that you have decided it is what is best for you BEFORE you tell him anything. I can not stress to you how important it is that you decide to move back home because it is what you want to do. Please do not move out under the pretense that he will just wake up and realize he needs to propose to you because it may not happen that way.

Before you make any drastic moves, talk to him. See where the talk takes you. See if he has a timeline in mind and once you have had a very clear conversation with him then decide what your next step is going to be.

Oh and as an aside, try to stop obessing about planning your wedding. Exposing myself continually to wedding related magazines, articles, books and television shows only made me feel even more frustrated. It was completely counterproductive. When day dreaming about your wedding stops being fun and starts being frustrating, that's when you need to try and shift your focus a bit.


Good luck!

 

[lliang_chi]

Echoing what KeepingTheFaith & Gwen said. Sounds like you guys are due for an ACTUAL discussion on marriage and your future. Not a teasing, joking, cute-sy quip, but an actual, "This is how I feel about our situation and it''s important to me because" dialog. Good luck. You might be pleasantly surprised.

 

[HollyS]

You say you''ve ''mentioned'' getting married, and you''ve talked about details. But, have you had a real heart-to-heart about it?

Tell him, calmly and rationally (because guys stop listening if you are too emotional), that you assume you will be married based upon your past conversations, things he''s said to family, etc; so "what are we waiting for?" Ask him, without accusation or desperation, when he may be ready to take the next step in the relationship.

As to your question of moving home -- don''t. It won''t solve anything now. But, that''s one more example of why living together without a commitment is just ''playing'' house and not the real deal. And while I''m conservative, I don''t equate commitment as engaged or married per se. I know many people who have made a true commitment without jewelry or legalities. However, if engagement and marriage are necessary for you to be fulfilled, why ''put the cart before the horse''?

 

[kittybean]

I think that having a talk with him telling him from your heart how hurt you are by him "holding the engagement over your head" is a great idea. I think that will also give you an idea of where he is. How could he not respond to the pain of the person he loves the most?

I also think that getting some space might be good for both of you if your talk doesn''t go the way you would like. I have found that men, much more so than women, take relationships for granted. At 21, you need to be prepared to show him that you are NOT willing to be taken for granted, and unless he changes his tune, there are plenty of other guys out there who are willing to treat you and your feelings with the respect you deserve. It might just be a matter of him needing a wake-up call that you will not be there forever. Moving back in with your parents would not be a stupid move at all.

Whatever decision you make, be sincere, be true to yourself, and know that you are NOT being silly or ridiculous. Your feelings are real, and you deserve answers from him.

In the meantime, don''t beat yourself up with wedding planning, etc. Concentrate on being a smart, fun, well-rounded young woman and I guarantee you will be happier no matter what happens. Rest assured that you will have plenty of time to plan the wedding, and even if you don''t have a lot of time, you will still be able to have an amazing wedding (I know from experience--I have planned some amazing events in a few weeks'' time). Remind yourself that you are LUCKY to be in this stage of your life and enjoy it for what it is. Having married or engaged friends isn''t easy, but try to refrain from comparing yourself too much. No two lives are alike, as I''m sure you know, and jealousy is just not worth it.

I hope I have helped you at least a little!

Kitty

 

[Garnet]

Wow, you guys give great advice! Thank you.

After considering all of my options and thinking about what you all had said, I had another chat with him last night without planning to... it just kinda happened. It''s actually pretty funny because I had just gotten a load of our jeans out of the dryer and he thought a pair of my new ones were his! He put them on and they actually fit perfectly, LOL! Initially I was upset because I''ve always been much smaller than him, but he has lost weight lately whereas I have gained some; I can''t fit into my tiny pair of jeans anymore which are a few sizes smaller. Thankfully he can''t wear my tiny jeans, either, or then I would really freak out.

Anyway, so then I started talking about how I really needed to get back down to the size I was when we moved in together, and how much I wish I could wear my old jeans and cuter clothes (I''m too self-conscious to wear form-fitting stuff like I used to).

Then I was like, "Hey, I know what would be a great motivator! Let''s make a deal. When I can fit into those jeans again, you propose." I was only half-kidding.

He looked at me like I was crazy and said that those terms would make him feel bad, because he definitely doesn''t think I should have to lose weight for him. Then he said that maybe he was planning our engagement already, and that I might actually cause myself to wait longer for the ring depending on how long it takes me to fit back into those jeans.

So I said--and you guys may think I''m crazy--that I want him to wait until I''m back at my smallest. I told him he had no reason to feel bad because I''m imposing this on myself and it wasn''t his idea at all. Getting engaged will make me 10x happier if I feel hot at the same time, you know?

Now it''s all in my hands... more or less. Anyone know a good way to lose about 15-20 pounds in one week!? LOL. Realistically I am shooting for our 4th anniversary, which is on September 25th. That gives me about 142 days to fit back into those jeans... with this kind of motivation I know I can do it.

Years and years from now, when we''re old and gray, I''m going to get those jeans framed and hang them in the living room, haha.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I think it''s great that you talked to him about it.

BUT - I don''t think you should set the terms on when he proposes. Remember, the wedding is mainly focused on the bride, and this is his big moment that he should be able to plan out however and whenever he chooses. I understand wanting to fit into your cute jeans, but, please, let this be HIS time.

In the meantime, go ahead and get into those jeans, but I guarantee you won''t be thinking of how hot you look when he proposes to you...