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Timeshare vs. marriage

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caligal

caligal

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 16, 2005
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I''ve been trying to be very patient as a LIW- but my patience is running out!
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My boyfriend just bought a used timeshare for $5000- and while I am very excited about all the vacation ideas this bring up- it brings up a whole lot of other things too. Why can he plan vacations months away, and not plan a wedding with me? How can he say he doesn''t want to propose until he''s done with school- yet he can plan a lifetime of vacations with me!! $5,000 could have paid for a ring- and I don''t care if he event bought me a plain gold band and we''d put money away for house! The ring doesn''t matter to me, it is what it symbolizes. We live together, and he talks about marriage- but then he goes and spends all this money on a vacation thing!!!! Does this mean my waiting period is extended?
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I''ve been saving money for months for this wedding we''ve talked vaguely about, "at our wedding we''ll...."- am I just being a fool? Maybe he''s just content living together... FOREVER! I think I need a weekend away with some girlfriends.... advice anyone?
 
Have you tried talking to him about this? Does he know how you feel? I think you have EVERY right to be frusterated (I had a long wait also for my ring). It seems so unfair that they have so much control in a situation that concerns both of your life. My best advice is to be honest and open. My now FI knew exactly how hard "waiting" was. I don''t know if it sped anything up
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but at least it helped me. The wait will be well worth it. Of course it is not about the ring but the symbol behind it. How long have you talked openly about marriage?
 
Hi CaliGal.

I''m sorry you are frustrated with things right now. I think you have a valid reason to be frustrated. I think we need a little more info about your relationship (how long you''ve been together, how old you and your BF are, if you''re working or students etc) but here''s my initial thoughts.

Did your boyfriend discuss buying the timeshare with you, before he bought it? $5,000 is a lot of money. And yes, it could go a long way towards things for your future like an engagement ring, or towards paying for a wedding, or towards paying for a house/condo etc. If he didn''t discuss purchasing the timeshare with you before he did it, I would say he''s definitely on a whole different page than you are in this relationship.

If you are actually saving your own money towards a wedding fund, and he goes out and spends that much money on a vacation timeshare without discussing it with you, I''d say that he''s not seriously thinking about marriage. No matter if it was a good deal or whatever, if he was seriously thinking about establishing his future with you, I would think that he''d at least discuss it with you first before buying the timeshare -- even if he didn''t want to ask "permission," I would think he''d still want your imput as far as things you guys are going to spend money towards that involve both of you.

And on top of that, if he''s saying "I can''t propose now because I''m a student" and then he spends that much money on a timeshare, I get the impression that he''s just using his student status as an excuse to prolong getting more serious (engagement) with you.

Of course we don''t know your whole situation, so please correct me if I''m wrong with my assumptions. But I''m in a similar situation, long term boyfriend, beginning to get antsy for a proposal and really it is time for us to get engaged....and if my boyfriend called me tomorrow and said "hey babe I bought a timeshare for $5,000" I would be seriously upset.
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Because if you guys are on the same page, and working towards taking the next step of engagement and marriage....he should be saving/using his money towards that goal....or at least talk to you before buying something that costs so much. I just don''t think it''s fair you''re saving for the wedding and he goes out and buys a $5,000 toy.

Even if you''re not talking about marriage like "OK we''re getting engaged in X month and on X day and I have to have X carat ring that looks like X..." you guys are obviously working towards a future together by living together etc. And it just doesn''t show that he''s working towards you guys together, by buying that timeshare, it seems like he''s just thinking about himself.
 
Hi Cali, Men are really frustrating
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There's a good book called "Getting To I Do" by Dr. Patricia Allen. It's a great book and talks about the differences between men's needs, women's needs and all the dynamics in between.

How long have you two been toghether? If you don't have a ring and a date, it might be time for an ultimatium
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I think part of this at least depends on ya''lls income level. For me and my SO anything over about 50$ will at least be mentioned before (outside of groceries and basic bills like power, water...etc). We are not really looking for permission, more approval. But we are both still in college and firmly beleive that diffrances in how money is handled can cause major issues. If you are your SO are in a fincial posistion where 5,000$ is less then you make in a week then no worries. Otherwise that would not sit well with me. He lives with you and in my opinion just shown you great disrespect by doing this.
Sit down and really think about the repercussions of what he has down, and not done in this action. Discuss it with him. You are right to come and vent elsewhere. I do not think accusing him would be productive, still this is much to major to let slide.
 
I would be frustrated BIG TIME.

Here''s what I think it shows the most: he still considers himself 100% independent when it comes to financial matters. Even though you live together, the fact that he didn''t discuss this with you would frustrate me more than the fact he could have used that money on a ring.

I would interpret it as a clear sign that he is self-focused right now, rather than couple-focused.

ACTIONS speak way, way louder than WORDS. Protect yourself emotionally. (IMO)
 
Cali, you are right to be upset. For my BF and I, $5,000 is a TON of money and either one of us would be in huge trouble with the other one if we spent that much without thoroughly consulting the other first. One of the biggest things about having a "life partner" as I sometimes like to call it
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is that you are team, financially and otherwise. When married you''ll have to make joint financial decisions about having children (if that''s one of the things you plan to do), buying a home, your retirement, changing jobs, even buying a car. If you''ve been saving your money for a wedding, and he''s been saving for a timeshare, this indicates to me that you two aren''t on the same page. Which, I think, happens a lot in relationships.

I agree with others here, I think this situation warrants a discussion between you two about how you both view making large financial and other decisions in your lives. If you are headed towards marriage, then this is something you want to cover anyhow. For me, money and spending it is really about priorities. Of course, others have different approaches towards money. Some are very conservative, others spontaneous, etc. So you should get to know your boyfriend''s style and attitudes about money and also figure out if it''s compatible with yours--or if you can accept his style for a lifetime. IMO money is a huge issue in relationships and marriage and really requires lots of open communication.

Also, if you are getting frustrated about the lack of firm engagement plans, have you thought of discussing some sort of solid deadline? I know others have done this, and sometimes deadlines come and pass and there''s still no engagement, but for me this has given me peace of mind. After we instituted the drop-dead deadline (end of 2005), I felt like a burden was lifted from me. For whatever reason, for me, it has helped me feel alot better because I feel like there is a plan in place and we (he!) are working to implement it. Of course, if January rolls around and I''m not engaged, that will be a different story...yikes.

Anyway, hope this helps! Relationships can be hard, don''t let it get you down, they are just a lot of hard work at times.
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Thanks all for your comments. Here''s more info: We''ve been together for over a year, living together since Feb. ''05. We are both 29- he dropped out of school and is now finishing his degree online. He''ll be done around May/June- thank goodness! He has very strong feelings about finishing his degree before we get engaged. I don''t completely understand this, but I guess it is a guy thing. He wants to feel a bit more accomplished before we get engaged/married, etc... I''ve told him this I kinda understand and that I''d wait until he''s done with school. He went to the timeshare program and came back all excited- and after looking at the materials I told him if sounded pretty good. I asked him- do you have $5000? He said he has about 1500 to put down on it- and he can pay the rest off soon. Now it has hit me- he''s willing to plan vacations with me and put that kind of money into that, but he can''t put a ring on my finger? Does it make sense? I suppose it does to him, but it hurts me.
 
Date: 10/24/2005 1:05:59 PM
Author: caligal
Thanks all for your comments. Here''s more info: We''ve been together for over a year, living together since Feb. ''05. We are both 29- he dropped out of school and is now finishing his degree online. He''ll be done around May/June- thank goodness! He has very strong feelings about finishing his degree before we get engaged. I don''t completely understand this, but I guess it is a guy thing. He wants to feel a bit more accomplished before we get engaged/married, etc... I''ve told him this I kinda understand and that I''d wait until he''s done with school. He went to the timeshare program and came back all excited- and after looking at the materials I told him if sounded pretty good. I asked him- do you have $5000? He said he has about 1500 to put down on it- and he can pay the rest off soon. Now it has hit me- he''s willing to plan vacations with me and put that kind of money into that, but he can''t put a ring on my finger? Does it make sense? I suppose it does to him, but it hurts me.
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I hate those timeshare schpells
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They''re good at sucking people in. Do you mind if I ask where he purchased the timeshare?

Does he know that you''re hurt? Sorry for all the questions.
 
He got it from WorldMark. He doesn''t know I''m hurt at all. And to his credit he did try to ask me several times what was wrong this weekend- but I gave the girl "nothing" answer since I didn''t want to explode on him.
 
It sounds like you handled it pretty cool and level-headed, Cali. You should probably mention to him what''s bothering you. Then let him think about it and let it go. You might want to give yourself a timeframe on how long you want to wait for a ring. I think the two year mark is a good timeline, but that''s just me. You deserve a ring as a symbol of his commitment.
 
Eesh. He didn''t outright buy the timeshare, which means he''ll be paying interest on it. Which means he doesn''t have the cash saved for a ring either, most likely.

If it were me, I would definitely have said something, especially because if he''s making financial decisions this large without your consideration, and you let him get away with it, you''re asking for a lifetime of financial issues. Take it from someone with an ex-fiance with a gambling problem.

Good luck!
 
It''s funny that he doesn''t need to feel more "established" to plunk down big $$ on a timeshare program he only heard about for a couple hours tops ... It''s unfortunate that he''s not guarding his savings more rigorously for your combined future (as you seem to be).

Is he impulsive most of the time? (Dropping out, cleaning out savings for impulse purchase)

I would definately tell him straight out: I was hoping you were saving for a ring -- Are you? And let him know that you are saving for future wedding expenses and would never spend so much without discussing it with him. You need to make sure you''re on the same page before investing more in the relationship. Don''t pussyfoot around. Speak up. You have needs to & it doesn''t seem like he''s keeping YOUR needs in mind AT ALL.
 
caligirl-

I would be pretty upset by that sort of behavior. It would make me worried for the future too, frankly! For someone who is in school and doesn''t have money for a ring, that is a really impulsive and unnecessary purchase. My FI wouldn''t even think throwing away that much money without consulting me- he knows I would yell
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I do think that you should let him know what is bothering you; communication is KEY. Perhaps he isn''t thinking marriage in the same timeframe as you, so he doesn''t have any idea of what is going on in your head. Therefore you must TELL him what you''re feeling, as he likely has no clue.
 
So he is spending money he doesnt have on soemthing he doesnt need?
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That is not a good sign. Sorry but it does not sound like he is thinking marriage in the foreseeable future. And LTP is right, that sort of attitude about money is dangerous. I would be spitting kittens if I were in your shoes.
 
Date: 10/24/2005 1:51:58 PM
Author: caligal
He got it from WorldMark. He doesn''t know I''m hurt at all. And to his credit he did try to ask me several times what was wrong this weekend- but I gave the girl ''nothing'' answer since I didn''t want to explode on him.
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You need to TELL him NOW! He is going to be your husband you need to tell him when you are hurt and why you are hurt.
 
Well, we did talk about it and it did seem like a good deal. And since it is his money now- I don''t feel like I can say much. But- it really is bothering me that he would put that money down for something like vacation property and not feel he can propose since he wants to finish school first and establish himself. He''s put a large deposit on this, and thinks he can pay it off in a few months. I''m going to be talking to him tonight about all of this and more. I''m not one to rock the boat, so these convos are hard for me to bring up. I have a pile of laundry that has been sitting in the basket, since he seems to think it folds itself- and I''m planning on grabbing it and just getting it all out. Wish me luck gals
 
If you agreed then I do not think you can say much. It would be unfair to him. But I dont think going into debt over something like that is a good idea. It is good that you are going to talk to him about things, boys cannot read minds...I hope it goes well. Best of luck to you.
 
Hi CaliGal.

I definitely agree with the others that you need to talk to him about this calmly and honestly. I would suggest that you try not to say it like "I am upset that you spent a significant amount of money on a timeshare/recreation type item when I want you to be saving for an engagement ring." Even if it''s true, don''t say it like that.
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Say something like
"I am upset that you spend a significant amount of money on the timeshare because I thought that we were making big decisions regarding our spending and future plans by discussing them with each other first. Also, I thought that we were on the same time page as far as taking our relationship to the next level after you graduate. By you making this large purchase, which will require more payments in addition to what you''ve already spent, it indicates to me that you are not on the same page as I am as far as our future plans in the spring. When you graduate I will be ready to commit to you and our future together and to me that means engagement and marriage in the upcoming future. I have been making financial decisions (such as saving for your guys'' wedding) with the mindset that we are going to proceed towards making those commitments once you are done with school. Your timeshare purchase hurts me because I feel like you are not making decisions with the same mindset. I would like to talk about where we both are in terms of what we want from this relationship and when we see those future developments will occur."

OK sorry that was long but I was trying to write in a calm, rational manner that won''t freak your BF out or cause him to shut down or something. You know, the calm, rational manner that I somehow am incapable of when I''m talking about engagement with my boyfriend.
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Hee hee!
 
I dunno, guys, I kinda think CaliGal dug her own grave, here. Okay, pretend you''re a guy for a minute. You''re busy finishing your degree so you can feel like you finally accomplished something. You have a great girlfriend you plan on proposing to once you graduate, which she knows and seems to be okay with. You go to a timeshare seminar, it sounds really great, and you start thinking about all the romantic, adventurous vacations you two will get to take. You bring home the info and ask your girlfriend what she thinks. She says it sounds like a great deal, so you buy. The next week, she tells you she''s hurt that you bought the timeshare instead of a ring.

Okay, you''re a guy, so at this point you''re thinking: "WTF??"

Not only do you (1)have an agreement that he won''t be proposing til after graduation, (2)she approved the purchase beforehand.

Cali, *I* understand why you''re upset because I''m a girl whose FI2B loves cars and all their accoutrements
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... I just want to show you what he sees so that you can approach the situation in the best possible manner.
 
Golden and Mata-

You both had great points in that I should have spoken up when he asked for me opinion about the timeshare. So- we talked last night about the timeshare and I told him that although I am excited about the vacation possibilities, I now wonder why he can commit to that and want to wait for marriage. He told me he would have never bought the timeshare if he didn''t have me, and was doing it for us since we both love to travel. He told me he had made the mistake of getting engaged before too soon (she just woke up one day and decided she didn''t love him- horrible story!)- and he wanted to finish school so he wouldn''t be in a situation like before. Who knew he was worried I was going to leave?! Anyway- he got on me about not communicating (yep, check- something I need to work on!)- and told me he was going to have this thing paid off next month (money coming in from his accident settlement) so it had no bearing on buying me a ring. Yes ladies, I basically got myself all worked up over nothing! Thanks for listening all....
 
I''m glad you had a talk with him and everything worked out. I am very big on communication, because without it, we''re just strangers.
 
Hooray for the non-issue!!
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...glad you got a chance to talk it over and get your fears soothed.
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Date: 10/25/2005 1:22:45 PM
Author: caligal
Golden and Mata-

You both had great points in that I should have spoken up when he asked for me opinion about the timeshare. So- we talked last night about the timeshare and I told him that although I am excited about the vacation possibilities, I now wonder why he can commit to that and want to wait for marriage. He told me he would have never bought the timeshare if he didn''t have me, and was doing it for us since we both love to travel. He told me he had made the mistake of getting engaged before too soon (she just woke up one day and decided she didn''t love him- horrible story!)- and he wanted to finish school so he wouldn''t be in a situation like before. Who knew he was worried I was going to leave?! Anyway- he got on me about not communicating (yep, check- something I need to work on!)- and told me he was going to have this thing paid off next month (money coming in from his accident settlement) so it had no bearing on buying me a ring. Yes ladies, I basically got myself all worked up over nothing! Thanks for listening all....
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Not to be harsh but regardless of where the money is coming from it was still spent on something other then your ring/wedding stuff. If you are happly then all is well but I dont think the fact that he is paying it off in a month really changes the issue that much. JMO.
 
CaliGal: I totally understand your point. I think you''re being very strong and patient with your FF, but I do feel that your decision to confront him about how you feel is right. He needs to know where you stand, and you need to know where he stands on this issue before you can move forward, obviously. That being said, I wonder what would happen if (all things being equal) you took $1500 of your own money and plunked it down on a gift for yourself?
 
or 5k?
 
I have to agree with Matatora. If you are on the marriage track it seems strange that he wouldn''t have consulted you before spending $5,000. I know you are going to say it is his money but if you are as close as you are to getting engaged/married spending this affects both your lives. You are a team, and I am sorry, I obviously don''t know you or your BF but for me (if this was my situation) it would NOT be a non-issue by any means. Hopefully I am wrong and just over-reacting.
 
Well- he did consult me before spending the money. And actually, I was excited about all the possible vacations! So I told him to go ahead. According to him after our talk, he never would have considered buying this if he didn''t have me, since we''ve had some great vacations in Hawaii, Chicago, etc.. in the past year. Really, I needed to get a few things off my chest and the timeshare just bothered me because I still have a hard time understanding why he wants to wait to get engaged until he''s done with school. It''s not like we are 21 and we''re finishing our bachelors- we are 29! I finished my bachelors and masters by the time I was 22. He really feels like we need time just together without him in school to enjoy being engaged. And now- I agree with him! We''ll be chatting again about money soon as he''s getting really excited about planning all these vacations with me, when I''m thinking: you need to get a ring, I''m saving for a wedding, we need a house.... It''s funny- I thought men were supposed to be the financial planners and ones who thought with their heads! Not in this relationship! He''s fiscally responsible (i.e. no credit card debt, decent retirement set up, doesn''t buy a lot), but I think I passed my vacation bug onto him
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It''s funny, I can be content just dreaming of all the vacations- and I think once I bring out the bottom line of money he''ll see it is quite irresponsible to be planning trips to Maui, the mountains to ski, etc... all in one year.
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The good thing is that since we aren''t engaged and busy planning a wedding, we are working on our relationship and finding out what each other needs. A good thing before we plan a life together huh?
 
Wouldn''t it be nice if your proposal happened during one of these wonderful trips that you guys got such a good deal on? Hee, I''m just dreaming away for you....
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