To all engaged and married...

[caligal]

Did any of you start to lose a bit of interest during the whole waiting process? Let me explain: I''ve been on the LIW list for almost a year, and gone through several emotions/states of being: impatience, frustration, excitement, curiosity, boredom, contentment, etc... Now he is starting to get excited and wanting to look at rings in magazines (even though he has told me he wants to wait until Fall) and I am feeling pretty nonchalant. Kinda like, "well I''ve been looking at rings for almost a year and stashing bridal **** so are you really ready or is this time for more waiting? Does this make any sense? I will tell you I''m also 2 weeks from starting a new job and getting ready to move across state in a week- maybe that has something to do with it.

 

[decodelighted]

I think it''s totally natural & understandable --- also, has nothing to do w/your feelings for the fella.

Silly comparison but ... say you applied to Law School. You wanted to be a lawyer more than anything and this is your TOP DREAM SCHOOL. And you''ve been waiting to find out if you''ve been "accepted" for a while now ... maybe YEARS. Every once in a while the admissions deparmtment calls you up & says ... PROBABLY! HANG ON! ... definately wait FOR THIS SCHOOL. And your whole life is hanging in the balance. You ain''t gettin any younger & you''re pretty anxious to start lawyering!

Some days you might even think.... I DON''T WANNA be a LAWYER anymore anyway! Self-protection. Anger. Frustration. (Would be totally understandable in most similar situations -- but somehow with marr. & engagement we beat ourselves up.)

 

[nytemist]

After a while, in between those same phases you experienced, I started telling my then BF "don''t mention it unless you''re going to do it". By the time we had our last fight about it, I almost didn''t feel anything inside about the situation. I loved him, I was upset that he was waiting so long, but there was no sense of urgency anymore.

I''m sure 90% is because of the upcoming move. You want to actually feel like this is a solid relationship that you are taking into this next stage of your future.

 

[monarch64]

I''ve been married for a little over 2.5 years...I think what you''re feeling now is pretty normal, especially since you have some other things on your plate to worry about besides getting engaged. I went through kind of the same emotions when we were in the "talking" stage, then again when I was in the "waiting" stage before he actually proposed. Even after we were engaged, there were a couple months when I just wanted to sit back and enjoy being engaged and not worry about starting to plan. DH kind of had to light a fire under my behind to get me started with picking a date and getting the ball rolling, lol!

Now that we''re married, we''re kinda going through the same thing about starting a family. There are months when I would give anything to start trying, then there are times I sort of forget about it entirely, usually when we have more pressing matters to attend to. I wouldn''t worry about your feelings of complacency right now...it doesn''t mean you''re not ready to commit to marrying him, I think it just means that your priorities have shifted slightly for now. Sounds to me like just the typical ebb and flow of life.

You''ll both be on the same page eventually.

 

[bee*]

Im not engaged or married (yet!!) but I can understand how you feel. I felt all those emotions before and at the moment Im at the stage when I know it will happen next year and I just need to enjoy the next year being with him. It sounds like he is definitely planning to do it, and I know its frustrating when they keep putting it off until another date etc but try and keep things good in the relationship and it makes the time go faster. I find that the more I talk about it, the less interested in it he becomes!

 

[SoonIHope]

Wow, Deco, that is almost the EXACT same analogy I used for my then-boyfriend right before we got engaged!!! I said that it was like you applied for the college you wanted, and you didn''t get your acceptance letter yet but you DID get info on housing. So you call them up and they say oh sorry for the mixup, but yes, the reason you got the housing info is because you were accepted. So you KNOW that you''re accepted, but you still can''t 100% relax and enjoy it until you get the official acceptance letter.

Also, as for your original question cali, I 100% agree. I was feeling that way as getting engaged became closer, but I TOTALLY got excited and into it again when I realized it was REALLY HAPPENING in a couple of days. So don''t feel bad about the lull. I''m sure it''s just stress about other things and doesn''t reflect at all on your relationship. It''s just hard to stay excited about ANYTHING nonstop - it''s exhausting! So your brain has to relax a bit and focus on other things from time to time. As for me NOW, after I got engaged I was in super excited wedding planning mode for like 2 months, and now I''ve done NOTHING since.

I still have just over a year and the wedding is going to be pretty low-key, but I still need to get cracking!! But my brain is just not in excited mode anymore; it''s just like oh yeah, that''s gonna happen, that''s cool!

 

[ephemery1]

I definitely empathize. Especially now that SO many of our close friends have gotten engaged/married in the past year, and 8-10 couples are currently planning their weddings for next summer, I feel like a little of the "special-ness" is lost for me. Not that I''m any less excited to live happily ever after with the love of my life... it''s just that the process of transforming from "dating" to "married" has lost some of it''s excitement, after 3.5 years of idle anticipation. Nowadays, I find myself thinking less about the ring and wedding and more about buying a home and starting a family... like I''ve subconsciously skipped ahead a chapter or two.

 

[anchor31]

Oh yeah, I''ve definitely been feeling like this for a little while... Sort of blasée... We''re setting an appointment with a jeweller in the next couple of weeks (actually it''s supposed to be this week-end, we''ll see if J comes through with that) to design and build my ring, and we''ve been talking about it and shopping for so long I''m feeling like I shouldn''t get excited until the proposal actually happens because there is always a delay of some sort everytime I do get excited. And apparently, he still wants to wait a couple of months even once the ring is done. So I''m pretty much thinking "Right, well why don''t you just tell me once you''ve made up your mind?"... I know I''m not being reasonable, but the roller coaster ride has been rather hard on me so I''ve pretty much decided to let this go until it does actually happen.

So, how you''re feeling does make sense. It might pass; I''m hoping it will. It''s funny that our "nonchalant" feelings come once our BFs are getting excited... J talks about it all the time, and I''m very tempted to tell him to stop talking and start doing, ya know?

Actually, this reminds me of the time before he gave me his timeframe. I went the the excitement phases and all that until I got pretty bored with all of it, and then it started again when he told me his timeframe... I guess it''s probably something we all go through.

 

[Patchee]

The absolute worse is feeling "dead" inside. After hearing it all the time with out producing a ring just makes you feel like what ever...

Focus on other important things going on in your life. It will happen soon.. but for now your life''s path is more important!

 

[FireGoddess]

It definitely sounds like a self preservation thing - you don't want to get excited about it in case it doesn't come through in time or in case his getting excited about it is a phase and he drops the ball. Particularly since you've been waiting for it already! It sounds completely logical to me. And it's not like you don't have other things to worry about already!

So I wouldn't sweat it.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Cal~
Deco, albicocca, and FireGoddess hit the nail on the head here. Your feelings make total sense! Especially with starting a new job that consists of a big move. You''re trying not to let yourself get excited in case the next deadline comes and goes with no proposal. Perfectly normal in my opinion! I''m not even asking to be put on the LIW list yet, because I know it''s not happening any time soon. It''s a done deal for my honey and I, but it''s not logical for us yet because he''s still living in another state and needs to decide this fall whether he''ll make it permanent or try to find something closer to home. Even though we''re not officially planning, I still get giddy when he brings it up (little things like how he wants to give me his family diamond, what our wedding will be like, etc.) Even though I know it''s nowhere in the very near future, I''ve found myself feeling like you...Don''t say it unless you''re serious and quit teasing me! I completely understand! Hang in there girl!

~Megan

 

[ladykemma]

this is not a response to original poster but rather a question to all the LIWs.

i don't understand all this waiting/passive stuff. Are you(all) waiting for the proposal or the ring?

he proposed, i said yes, we went shopping, and two weeks later my ring was ready.

toddles off...i don't get it...

toddles back.... are these men playing games? is it because they are slow to mature? are you all incredibly young? is it because we were older? is it because you all want bigger rocks than my generation expected and have to save a lot of money? is it because you have been dating so long? what gives?

also it makes my heart hurt for you all when i see this passivity. a long time ago there was a poster who confronted LIWs about their passiveness, she got jumped on but I silently cheered her on.

what can you do to be in charge of your life? what direction do you want to go? is he going to get in the same boat and start rowing in the same direction? are you going to get in his boat and start rowing? if not, then go in your own boat. don't waste your moments passively waiting... waiting....

ok, go ahead. pounce

edited to add: i stand up and cheer on the women who set mental and literal "deadlines". good for you! and those who are in counseling!

 

[caligal]

Gals- Thanks oodles- you made me feel much better!

I think once the move settles and my new job is going, I''ll be ready to look, get excited, etc... Ladykemma- you raise some interesting questions. I think it is quite different for each woman here (actually I know it is since I''ve ready many stories from the LIW!). For my situation, he is one of the guys who wants "his ducks in a row/XYZ done first." I really didn''t understand when he told me he wanted to finish school first (we are both 29- he dropped out of college and since we met has returned to finish his degree), but now I respect his decision. I really wouldn''t care if he bought me a plain gold band, but like many men he wants to give me a tradional diamond ring. I did set a deadline with him of Dec 31, but as he and I have both said, "that won''t be an issue at all."

Ephemery- I totally feel the same way in getting excited for buying a home and planning for a family!

 

[glitterata]

I''m with you, Lady Kemma.

Why does he have to do the asking? Why does it have to be a surprise? Shouldn''t the decision to spend your lives together--and the much less important, but also interesting, choice of a ring to symbolize that decision--be something a couple makes together?

 

[marvel]

Date: 5/16/2006 12:04:41 PM
Author:caligal
Did any of you start to lose a bit of interest during the whole waiting process? Let me explain: I''ve been on the LIW list for almost a year, and gone through several emotions/states of being: impatience, frustration, excitement, curiosity, boredom, contentment, etc... Now he is starting to get excited and wanting to look at rings in magazines (even though he has told me he wants to wait until Fall) and I am feeling pretty nonchalant. Kinda like, ''well I''ve been looking at rings for almost a year and stashing bridal **** so are you really ready or is this time for more waiting? Does this make any sense? I will tell you I''m also 2 weeks from starting a new job and getting ready to move across state in a week- maybe that has something to do with it.

ROFLMAO

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I loved the bridal **** remark too. I agree with ladykemma...girls are all different though. Some girls want to be in total control of the whole process (when and where it happens, what ring she gets, etc) and others want to be totally surprised. As for men playing games, I definitely think it''s possible, just like girls do too, sometimes. I noticed in college that when the majority of my classmates were getting engaged after our freshman or sophomore year that there''s definitely a growing trend of getting married younger. So I don''t know, all I can say is everyone''s different and everyone has a different idea of what life events should be like. I''m sorry for rambling, I probably wasn''t much help, but I don''t think anyone should pounce on you!!!

 

[blueroses]

Ah yes, bridal ****....an old school LIW term!!

Lady Kemma, I can imagine it must look a little strange from your end, but......it is what it is. There are LIW from their early 20s to their late 30s.

I don''t know, I guess I don''t see it as passive (for some of us, the pre-engagement phase is as pro-active as you can get.) THe bottom line is, short of proposing yourself (which some are cool with and many more are probably not) what else can one do? I can''t speak for all the LIW b/c I''ve been gone for a while, but in my year and a half hanging out on the list, I can tell you that it''s not a bunch of gals waffling around and pining for their boyfriends to read their minds and pop the big question....almost without exception it''s couples who have explicitly talked about marriage, discussed their futures together, and are in that in-between time where intention and action have yet to coincide. Some girls are in the midst of working on the rings together PRE-proposal, some are waiting for the ACTUAL proposal, but again, short of either asking HIM, I think most of us have been/are being as active as we possibly can be, under the circumstances.



.....and to get off my thread-jack and back to the original question, YES. Totally normal. IMO since there is such a disconnect between girl-soon and boy-soon, it''s inevitable that in some cases it would be sort of "Meh" once you actually got closer. Can''t remember who the LIW with the fed-ex proposal was.....it was basically, "hey, look what came in the fed-ex today" [the ring] and badabing, they were engaged. That''s how I feel about it after all this time. But I imagine the excitement probably comes back into it. It''s totally a self-protection mechanism!!

 

[blueroses]

Date: 5/16/2006 8:14:32 PM
Author: IrishAngel
I noticed in college that when the majority of my classmates were getting engaged after our freshman or sophomore year that there''s definitely a growing trend of getting married younger.

I just saw this. WHOA!!!!!! I''ll be 32 in a month and I know I''m on the older end statistically as a single gal, and even as a LIW (it''s totally skewed younger these days than when I first started here,) but WHOA!! I went to school in the south, but even then it was still WAY young for people to be engaged even senior year!!!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Blue~I always thought it was crazy too! I didn''t want to be negative or seem unsupportive in any way, but girls would come back with stories like "My boyfriend doesn''t want to move away without being engaged to me" and blah blah blah. I would just think...you''re 18!!! Who knows what you''ll be doing in 4 years! Especially when couples get engaged fully knowing they won''t start planning a wedding for an excess of 3-4 years. I sincerely apologize if I offend anyone by saying this because I know circumstances arise (you''re on a waiting list for a special place, etc) but IMHO if you propose and get engaged, you should be able to have the freedom to plan a wedding and go for it! I don''t know anyone, man or woman, who wants to get engaged and wait more than 1.5 years to actually get married. It seems silly to me, but as I said everyone''s circumstances are different. Anyway Blue, I''m still a youngin (24 in July) but I fully understand where you''re coming from, and it got really old hearing almost every week someone on campus got engaged...and a small campus at that (women''s college, 1500 students.) Yikes for me, but good for them if it''s what works!

 

[sumbride]

I totally agree with BlueRoses re: Lady Kemma''s questions... there''s nothing passive about my status as a LIW. My boyfriend has "a plan" and asked me to "trust him". If I didn''t, I would be going against his wishes, and since we''re forming our life together, I have to respect his wishes for this situation if I expect him to respect mine. I definitely expect a proposal, but for whatever reason, the timing hasn''t been "right for his plan" yet and I''m trying my best to be patient but not passive. Part of what drives me nuts is that I can''t know the timeframe because he is keeping it a secret. In the meantime, I''m designing my ring because he''s agreed that I get to pick it, but I have to wait until he proposes to shop with him because of his insistence that it be a "surprise".

Everybody has a different situation.

and yep, I totally understand the "getting bored with it" concept. I''m getting there.

 

[anchor31]

I agree with blueroses. Yes, I am waiting, and I have since September, but all this time has certainly not been passive waiting. I got a 2006 timeframe in November, got him to take me shopping in February (which he originally did not want) and we''ve finally decided to have the entire ring designed together, which should happen within the next couple of weeks. Except from planning the actual proposal myself, I''m not sure there''s much else I can do. I also want to respect his wish for a romantic surprise proposal like he''s always dreamed of doing (he told me this) and like I have always dreamed of receiving.

About the age thing... well, it''s been discussed before, and the general concensus is that it varies from person to person. Yes, I am young, but if I am too young depends on your point of view. I like to believe that I am ready for this, and I do hope that the people here who''ve known me for the last few months think that I am not some impulsive school-girl.

Same goes for the long engagement. It''s a decision J and I took together. I would be finishing school next April if it were not for some professional orientation changes I have made, but as it is, I''ll have to add 1 year to 1½ year to that. J decided he wanted to commit to me this year and we''ve been discussing this for almost a year now. A year or so more between the engagement and wedding won''t change much in the big picture. Not to mention that we both want to have a longer engagement. We just don''t like to rush through things, which is probably why it will have taken about a year from the beginning of the engagements talks to the actual proposal!