To dance, or not to dance....

[Gwyn]

Okay, a little background on myself.

My parents never married and my father left my mother about a month before I was born b/c he wasn’t ready for children. My mother eventually remarried but the two of us never really hit it off. He wanted my mother and could not care less for her two daughters.

This is something that bothered me greatly when I was younger but I am pretty much over it. I mean, you cannot change the past or other people.

Still, whenever I am at a wedding or even watching one on TV, the whole father/daughter dance is painful. Even though I no longer have those fairytale wishes that my real father would come back into my life or that my mother would marry someone who I could take home my boyfriends to; I still feel hurt and saddened when I am reminded that I don’t have that “special bond” in my life.

My fiancé knows this and said that we could skip all the “dances”. That way I wouldn’t have to feel sad/bothered and I wouldn’t offend my mother by not asking her husband to dance with me.

What worries me is that his mother might be sad she didn’t get her “mother/son” moment in the spotlight. My fiancé says he doesn’t care and doesn’t think she will. That they can still have their dance at some point in the night, that it doesn’t need to be out there all alone on the floor. Thruthfully, I think he prefers to not have to be up there dancing by himself if he doesn’t have to.

What I wonder is, should we mention it to her? Ask if she minds? Explain to her why we are not doing the dance? My fiancé isn’t the type of person to bring this kind of thing up, so I doubt he would even mention it to her. And I wouldn’t want her to be at the wedding expecting it and have it not happen

The two of his (his mother and I) are on very close terms, so I do not feel uncomfortable about it or having my fiancé talk to her, but my fiancé has a “why even bring it up-it is our wedding-she wont care how we do it” kind of attitude. I just think that he may be overlooking that this could be a sensitive issue for a mother.

Any thoughts?

 

[kimberlina13]

What about you dancing with your mother? I know it sounds odd, but could be a nice compromise. Or an uncle that you''re close to? Who, if anyone, is walking you down the aisle? Or your FFIL?

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 7/31/2007 6:53:12 PM
Author: kimberlina13
What about you dancing with your mother? I know it sounds odd, but could be a nice compromise. Or an uncle that you''re close to? Who, if anyone, is walking you down the aisle? Or your FFIL?

Dancing with anyone other then my mothers husband would cause a HUGE issue with my mother.

 

[jcrow]

Date: 7/31/2007 7:51:41 PM
Author: Gwyn

Date: 7/31/2007 6:53:12 PM

Author: kimberlina13

What about you dancing with your mother? I know it sounds odd, but could be a nice compromise. Or an uncle that you''re close to? Who, if anyone, is walking you down the aisle? Or your FFIL?

Dancing with anyone other then my mothers husband would cause a HUGE issue with my mother.

if that''s the case, i''d skip the mother/son/father/daughter dance all together. i''m sure you''re fmil would understand. plus she can dance with her son at anytime during the reception. she shouldn''t need an announcemnt to do so.

 

[laine]

I agree that you can skip the parent dances completely, and its probably much better that way.

I would go ahead and give your FMIL a heads up, in case she''s expecting it. You don''t have to go into detail, just mention you aren''t comfortable with it and would prefer not to do it (or even just say its not happening with no explanation). If you get the sense she''s disappointed, try to have FI make a point to dance with her during the reception, and maybe even dedicate a song to her (a regular one that everyone dances to as well as FI and his mom, but still acknowledges her).

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree with the others. Skipping the usual dances might be the way to go, and your FMIL would still be able to dance with your husband at some point in the evening (or day). I would mention it to her ahead of time though, and you could choose to explain why or not. If she''s aware of the situation between you and your stepdad, she may already know it could be an uncomfortable spot for you to be in. I''m sure she''d understand.