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To have a registry or not

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CrownJewel

CrownJewel

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I''m even more torn about this registry issue than I was about the cocktail reception. I was getting all ready to start a registry, and then my mom, my fiance and my fiance''s mom all said that I shouldn''t have a registry. Fiance and family are from Russia. My family and I are from China/Cambodia/Thailand.

My mom says that our relatives will not understand the concept of a registry because they only give money for a wedding. Fiance and his mom say the same thing about their Russian relatives. Ok, so it''s understood that all family members will give money as gifts for our wedding.

I''m told that another purpose of the registry is for bridal shower presents. My mom thinks it''s rude to ask for two presents, especially since our family members won''t be able to afford both a shower present and a wedding present. She says that the concept will be so foreign to them and if my sister holds a shower for me, my relatives will go to the shower thinking it''s the wedding. My fiance says that his mom thinks it''s rude also.

So please be completely honest with me. I think it would be weird for my friends to come to a shower for me if none of my relatives are coming. I always thought bridal showers were thrown PRIMARILY so that relatives could "shower the bride with gifts" to start her new life. Is this wrong? My fiance, his mom, and my mom think I should not have a registry because it''s easier and more flexible if we buy everything ourselves. My sister will be even more clueless than me. If there will be no pre-wedding showers/parties, then there is no point in having a registry right?
 
I don''t think it''s wrong for you to want to register or want a bridal shower. I understand why your family may not get why you are doing this, or think you are greedy but it IS your wedding. On the plus side, you get money for your wedding, so you can just use that to buy what the two of you want, and it can be kind of fun because you would get to go shopping together! Also, instead of a full on bridal shower maybe you could just have a party and not have gifts if you think it will end up being a problem. And maybe that is how you can meet you fiance half way... no registry, but have a bridal shower? As for us, we didn''t register and I refused to have a bridal shower (I find them kind of dumb, and I hate being put in a spotlight like that), so we just got giftcards and money from our families and then got what we wanted later on. We also went home for our wedding, and we live about 2500 miles away, so it would have made no sense to get all these gifts that we would later have to transport across the country. I hope you have some luck figuring out what to do!

*M*
 
Well, do you want to register? If you do, do it. If your families won''t understand, they don''t have to know about it. You aren''t supposed to put it on the invitations so only people that understand registries will ask about it or seek them out.

Depending on your situation, you''ll be getting gifts from friends and colleagues that aren''t part of either of your cultures and WILL expect you to register. Registering isn''t begging for gifts, it''s making your preferences known. There''s no guarantee that people will buy from it, but for those who choose to, it makes it easier for them to get you what you want. If you get lots of cash from the wedding, you can combine it with your completion discount from the registry and sort of "make your own sale" and get what you want after the wedding.

As for the shower, if your family isn''t comfortable with the idea, you can''t force it on them, but that doesn''t mean you can''t have a shower. Your friends and bridesmaids, if you have them, will probably want to throw you one anyway. It''s ok if your family can''t make it. I threw one for a friend whose mom lived in Germany. She didn''t come, obviously, but we all had a great time without her. Usually they aren''t thrown by a family member but by a friend or someone close to the family. The family isn''t required to give you shower presents, and if they only give cash, I could see why they wouldn''t want to split it up. But showers, to me, are more about the fun, the party you have, and the presents are secondary.

Talk it over with your fiance... it''s up to the two of you, not your moms. Good luck!
 
Thank you poptart and sumbride. I''m glad to hear your views. When I brought it up with my friends, they said "OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO REGISTER AND HAVE A SHOWER." So many people saying, "you have to do this and you have to do that and you can''t do that," is really confusing me. I''m just very fearful of doing anything "unacceptable," if there even is such a thing!!

I do want to register at least for a few things...because there might be some American guests who won''t want to give money as a wedding gift, so I should have a registry for them to turn to.

I''m learning, yay!
 
I agree that you should register if you want to. There''s no rule that says anyone has to buy something off of the registry, but if someone is looking to buy you a gift it can definitely help.
 
Not that I'm having one, but I always thought of a bridal shower as a girlfriend party. In other words, it's a chance to get together with your female friends and bridesmaids, the main activities are drinking, laughing about men, and giving the bride slightly amusing or naughty gifts that you wouldn't give for a wedding present like lingerie or a book on marriage.

ETA: oh, yeah. I love onine registries. Makes gift buying so much easier. Since I'm having a DW with just my family I was thinking we wouldn't have one. But now I'm thinking we should just in case. This is mainly motivated by the realization that I'll have to borrow stuff from my mother to make the pie crust for our pumpkin pie.
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instead of a wedding registry, we asked people to donate to one of our favorite charities. it was fun to see the charities that people picked. a lot of my relatives didn''t understand the concept of a charity registry, or any other registry for that matter, and they gave us money. most of our guests were traveling (including us) so we didn''t want them to have to pay for their trip and a wedding gift. we''re in a different place than you are though. we''re in our 30''s and have established careers. i think that makes a big difference.

none of my family members were invited to my bridal shower. it was really just a chance to get together with my girlfriends. though i specifically asked for no gifts (especially since i had a small wedding so some of the girls at my shower weren''t coming to the wedding) the girls all did bring gifts. they knew me well so the gifts were perfect without having a registry.

the bottom line is that whatever you choose to do is fine. everyone is in a different situation. you shouldn''t feel like you should or shouldn''t have a registry. if you want it, go for it. if people understand the registry concept, they will ask you where you''re registered. if they don''t they will be none the wiser.
 
please register or else you will end with with 20 picture frames and 20 crystal vases..
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Date: 11/19/2006 10:58:14 AM
Author:CrownJewel
I''m even more torn about this registry issue than I was about the cocktail reception. I was getting all ready to start a registry, and then my mom, my fiance and my fiance''s mom all said that I shouldn''t have a registry. Fiance and family are from Russia. My family and I are from China/Cambodia/Thailand.

My mom says that our relatives will not understand the concept of a registry because they only give money for a wedding. Fiance and his mom say the same thing about their Russian relatives. Ok, so it''s understood that all family members will give money as gifts for our wedding.

I''m told that another purpose of the registry is for bridal shower presents. My mom thinks it''s rude to ask for two presents, especially since our family members won''t be able to afford both a shower present and a wedding present. She says that the concept will be so foreign to them and if my sister holds a shower for me, my relatives will go to the shower thinking it''s the wedding. My fiance says that his mom thinks it''s rude also.

So please be completely honest with me. I think it would be weird for my friends to come to a shower for me if none of my relatives are coming. I always thought bridal showers were thrown PRIMARILY so that relatives could ''shower the bride with gifts'' to start her new life. Is this wrong? My fiance, his mom, and my mom think I should not have a registry because it''s easier and more flexible if we buy everything ourselves. My sister will be even more clueless than me. If there will be no pre-wedding showers/parties, then there is no point in having a registry right?
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no, it''s so that your friends can shower you with small gifts for your new home.
 
CrownJewel, showers and registering are completely optional and, obviously, foreign to many cultures. If your relatives are unaccustomed to showers, it doesn''t make any sense to invite them to one, in my opinion. Your friends who say that of course you *must* register and have a shower are simply not very worldly; they only know their own culture.

If you would like to be showered, then let your friends throw a shower for you and by all means, register if you want to. They can invite people for whom wedding showers are the norm. While not every woman invited to the wedding must be invited to a shower (and a bride can have more than one shower thrown for her), the converse is not true. Any person invited to a shower should also be invited to the wedding. Those friends who say "must have shower, must register" may also feel that money makes a crass wedding gift. So, your registry would also serve the purpose of giving them ideas of what to get you for the wedding.

I didn''t want a wedding shower or, later on, a baby shower because I just hate showers! For both milestones, I did end up having little impromptu showers thrown by friends who felt that showers were absolutely necessary. I don''t think you end up with more or less in the gift dept. by having a shower or not. People who haven''t already given a shower gift tend to be more generous than they otherwise would have been with the wedding gift.

When I lived in New York in the 80s I discovered a whole new gift-giving opportunity: the engagement party. Couples had engagement parties that were very much like weddings. Sit-down dinners, music, dancing, open-bar -- the only thing missing was the bridal attire and wedding party. So female guests of the couple had 3 gifts to buy: engagement, shower & wedding! (and of all the weddings I went to in NY that decade, only ONE couple is still married, lol)
 
We didn''t register ... mostly because we combined overloaded households (mid-thirties pack-rats ... ha, at least *someone* is .. points at him, points at him).

If I were you I''d

* register at least one place ... for gifts of varying price points in case some people want to buy "wedding" level presents there instead of just "shower" level ones

* don''t tell anyone about the registry that doesn''t SPECIFICALLY ask -- including your family. You friends are probably web savvy enough to search for you on stores they guess you MIGHT register at ... or they''ll just ask.

Typically the shower is thrown by the bridesmaids or MOH right? Are yours all family ("non believers in showers")? Sometimes people have different showers thrown by different circles of people ... i.e. "the family shower" "the workplace shower" "the girlfriends shower" ... if you only get one - say "the girlfriends shower" ... who cares? One is awesome. No need to drag unwilling family members into it. It won''t be at all odd. Trust me.
 
I agree with Deco, register at one place (your favorite). You can always return everything to get some big ticket item you really want.
 
I am sorry for your dilemma.
I would say there''s nothing wrong with having 2 (or more) separate showers, if your friends are set on throwing you one. If your relatives don''t want to come they don''t necessarily need to.
Or if they wanted to do a separate one, without gifts, etc.

It can be difficult melding customs of different cultures. If you did want one shower with all attending (which would be a nice way to get everyone together before the big day- another purpose of a shower) is there a way the American tradition could be explained to the families so that they do not take offense- or at least a way to invite them without making them feel as though they need to bring a gift if they don''t choose to?
 
Wow there's so much I didn't know! And many things about weddings that I just had misconceptions about. I'm grateful for the large span of ideas and views here... For example, now (thanks to sumbride, IndieJones, ladykemma, novia ), I know showers are not an "exclusive" party for aunts and mom's friends :)

Thanks robbie and tacori...I talked to fiance about everything, and today he's been saying things like, "when you register, look for..." and he'll name something he thinks could be useful. Silly boy. I also talked to him about "our" wishes versus his mom's wishes or my mom's wishes. I think we cleared it up. Phew! :)

MariaD, yep my high school was not very diverse!! I love my girlfriends, but sometimes they do need to realize that other cultures have different customs! For some silly reason, I thought that if none of my relatives come, then I should ask that there be no shower, and if there will be no shower, then there's no point in registering. Now that I've been straightened out...I feel better about starting a registry for a few items. :) By the way, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN about the five million pre-wedding parties!!! I live in the NY area and had my first engagement party experience (WOW WOW WOW it was such a nice party...fully catered, open bar) for my fiance's friend. It's nice to have these parties but I have trouble with the fact that some brides and their families expect gifts for each party. Haha, of course I was told that I "HAVE TO HAVE AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY" but I think if I actually have one, it'll be super low key and I will specifically say on the invitation "no gifts!"

Deco, you always crack me up. I will have my baby sister (oops. she's 21 and I still call her my baby sister. Gotta STOP!!) as my MOH and my college friends as my BMs. If someone wants to throw a shower for me, I won't object! I love fun times with my friends! Heehee...it's quite clear now that there will be no family members! And that's OK!

labbielove, I won't be able to handle two showers :) I'll just trust my mom and FMIL that our relatives WON'T want to come. I really only want one shower, and I wouldn't mind telling everyone that presents are not necessary, but I think that would make guests feel awkward if some people brought gifts. Ooof, who knew wedding planning would be this hard? I certainly didn't!

Thanks again ladies. You're the best. I think I've been sleeping better at night because of Pricescope! Hahaha.
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Date: 11/19/2006 12:39:18 PM
Author: ladykemma
please register or else you will end with with 20 picture frames and 20 crystal vases..
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That made me laugh. What could be even worse...20 ugly picture frames and 20 ugly crystal vases with no return policy!! Thanks ladykemma!
 
Date: 11/19/2006 10:50:38 PM
Author: CrownJewel
Wow there's so much I didn't know! And many things about weddings that I just had misconceptions about. I'm grateful for the large span of ideas and views here... For example, now (thanks to sumbride, IndieJones, ladykemma, novia ), I know showers are not an 'exclusive' party for aunts and mom's friends :)

Thanks robbie and tacori...I talked to fiance about everything, and today he's been saying things like, 'when you register, look for...' and he'll name something he thinks could be useful. Silly boy. I also talked to him about 'our' wishes versus his mom's wishes or my mom's wishes. I think we cleared it up. Phew! :)

MariaD, yep my high school was not very diverse!! I love my girlfriends, but sometimes they do need to realize that other cultures have different customs! For some silly reason, I thought that if none of my relatives come, then I should ask that there be no shower, and if there will be no shower, then there's no point in registering. Now that I've been straightened out...I feel better about starting a registry for a few items. :) By the way, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN about the five million pre-wedding parties!!! I live in the NY area and had my first engagement party experience (WOW WOW WOW it was such a nice party...fully catered, open bar) for my fiance's friend. It's nice to have these parties but I have trouble with the fact that some brides and their families expect gifts for each party. Haha, of course I was told that I 'HAVE TO HAVE AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY' but I think if I actually have one, it'll be super low key and I will specifically say on the invitation 'no gifts!'

Deco, you always crack me up. I will have my baby sister (oops. she's 21 and I still call her my baby sister. Gotta STOP!!) as my MOH and my college friends as my BMs. If someone wants to throw a shower for me, I won't object! I love fun times with my friends! Heehee...it's quite clear now that there will be no family members! And that's OK!

labbielove, I won't be able to handle two showers :) I'll just trust my mom and FMIL that our relatives WON'T want to come. I really only want one shower, and I wouldn't mind telling everyone that presents are not necessary, but I think that would make guests feel awkward if some people brought gifts. Ooof, who knew wedding planning would be this hard? I certainly didn't!

Thanks again ladies. You're the best. I think I've been sleeping better at night because of Pricescope! Hahaha.
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1. you go together when you register.

2. it's considered rude to say "no gifts".

3. the point of a shower is to give gifts. let them! just you and your girlfriends and maybe your co-workers. also you do not organize and plan a shower, your friends organize and plan. all you do is show up!

4.American girl friends will expect to get you two presents. one for the shower (20 bucks) and one for the wedding (more expensive). please select a variety of price ranges, say, from a cheapie blender to expensive china and crystal. down here in the south you are expected to register for china, crystal, and silver. I do not think that is expected of new york brides.
 
Haven't read the other responses... but here's my .02. If you are having any American friends attend, or if any of your family are very westernized... Register. Just at one place with a good return policy (bed, bath, and beyond) so that if you are asked you can tell them where to go. It's more awkward IMO, to have some ask you where you are registered and then you have to say, "oh we just want cash gifts, thanks." Register for like 15 items of reasonable price. Towels, sheets...things you always need.

ETA: Just read through the thread. Ditto what Lady K said and you're off to a great start!
 
But WAIT! I'm glad that you pointed this out ladykemma, but why is it rude to say "no gifts"????? Because it implies I thought people would WANT to bring gifts? I know nothing about etiquette.

About the china, crystal and silver...I wish wish wish I could register for it, but it's just too expensive for my guests. We have to register for things we absolutely NEED and will use often because we will have limited NYC apartment space. (Some of the apartments we were looking to buy were SO SMALL that they only had room for college dorm size refrigerators!!! And these apts cost $400K!!!) And we won't have room or time to entertain for at least the next 4 or 5 years (business school and medical school), so that helps to dictate what I register for. I figured that when we're both done with school, and if we really feel the need to have fine china, crystal and silverware, then we can buy it ourselves.
 
hey y'all why is it rude to say "no gifts"?

i know it is but why?

running off to find miss manners....

ok. page 368 Miss Manners' guide to excruciatingly correct behavior

"Dear Miss Manners,

since my fiance and I are both in our late twenties and have been working professionals for some time... [asking friends to donate to a charity instead of gifts]

Gentle reader,
Yours is the most altruistic of many letters Miss Manners receives from people who want to have some control over the selection of presents they expect. Other ask "How can i let them know i want money instead of some crummy toaster? And then there are the people who want to say "no gifts, please" on thier invitations.

What miss manners must tell all of you, regardess of your motives, is that there is no tasteful way of directing present giving when you are on the receiving end. Contrary to belief, present giving is never required. It is traditionally associated with birthdays, chrsitmas and weddings, but cannot be used an an entrance fee to the festivities. You must pretend that you invite people because you want them to celebrate this important occasion with them, and you must seem to be pleasantly surprised when they give you something. To act as if it is such standard payment that you can acknowledge your expectations is rude, rude, rude."
 
So I think that "No gifts" is rude on most invites because you are not supposed to mention gifts. You are inviting them to something, you are not supposed to expect a gift in exchange for their invitation, so you are not supposed to write either where you are registered or "no gifts". If you don't want gifts, you have to spread the word just like you would spread the word on where you are registered, and of course you should be gracious when people get you stuff anyway just like some would get you off-the-registry stuff.

But, it might be that "no gifts" is OK on a shower invite, and only a shower invite, because gifts are typically REQUIRED for attendees of a shower. So if you are trying to throw a no-gifts shower you are basically trying to throw something that is not a shower but calling it a shower. (And maybe it would be better to use a different name: party, tea, girls night out, etc. than a no-gifts shower, but whatever.)

ETA: OH! Nice to see I channeled MM correctly. She just managed to say it so much BETTER, as always.
 
Thanks ladykemma and cara (and Miss Manners). I guess what Miss Manners says does make sense. Is it just me, or do all the intricacies of wedding etiquette drive you nuts??!! There are so many rules that there are bound to be a million that I will break without knowing it.

It''s better to learn now than pull a faux pas though right?
 
buying a used copy of miss manners would be a good idea now.

are your girlfriends long term american or other nationality/background? a shower might not be necessary if you have only newly arrived russian/chinese/thai/cambodian in your circle of friends.

at least you know what to expect if your work people throw you a shower!
 
Date: 11/20/2006 6:41:44 PM
Author: cara
So I think that ''No gifts'' is rude on most invites because you are not supposed to mention gifts. You are inviting them to something, you are not supposed to expect a gift in exchange for their invitation, so you are not supposed to write either where you are registered or ''no gifts''. If you don''t want gifts, you have to spread the word just like you would spread the word on where you are registered, and of course you should be gracious when people get you stuff anyway just like some would get you off-the-registry stuff.

But, it might be that ''no gifts'' is OK on a shower invite, and only a shower invite, because gifts are typically REQUIRED for attendees of a shower. So if you are trying to throw a no-gifts shower you are basically trying to throw something that is not a shower but calling it a shower. (And maybe it would be better to use a different name: party, tea, girls night out, etc. than a no-gifts shower, but whatever.)

ETA: OH! Nice to see I channeled MM correctly. She just managed to say it so much BETTER, as always.
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Oh, I dunno Cara, I actually liked the way you put it better! You *are* inviting people to something, not giving them gift directives.

Showers are a unique "female" institution. Can you imagine men inventing something like this? They are parties whose sole purpose is to provide gifts -- hence the name "shower." You are being showered with stuff that in the past you definitely needed. But now showers are given as tradition -- sometimes even if the bride & groom already have two households full of appliances. Even if the parents are on their second kid, and already have baby gear. Personally, I can''t stand showers, especially baby ones. If the guest of honor can''t have a drink, it''s not a party, LOL. Since most people already have the basics, they register to get specific stuff that they really want. Since guests usually want to give them what they really want, they buy off the registry. So as a guest, one gets to go through their registry and look at a bunch of stuff and then gets to see it all over again at the shower as each gift is opened excruciatingly slowly. The only surprises are when the store''s registry computer didn''t work properly and there are duplicates. Oh what a pointless way to kill a Saturday afternoon! Years ago, I decided I would never go to another shower but instead beef up wedding gift presents (money) and give baby presents only after the baby is born (again beefed up). But I digress...

CrownJewel, if you like/want a shower then go ahead and have one. But to have a no-gift shower makes no sense, imo. Gifts are the whole point. If you just want to get together with your girlfriends and party, then do that. You could call it girls-night-out in celebration of the impending end of your singlehood. A bachelorette party? And while you''re at it, see if you can make that a trend -- because did I mention that I hate showers?
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Miss Manners or Emily Post Etiquette? Which is better? Can you imagine if they had a party together? ladykemma, all of our friends are caucasian, in America for at least 3 or 4 generations. The only new-Americans are my fiance and me, and our families. So our friends know what they''re doing...I think :)

MariaD...haha. I''ll see what I can do about the obliteration of all bridal and baby showers (and any other shower that exists...what else is there?). I DO like to start trends!!! I''m afraid to ask, do people have baby registries too?
 
YAY FOR MY FIANCE! I''m just so excited I wanted to share. Fiance got into the Columbia MBA program!! Woohoo!
 
Date: 11/21/2006 10:41:03 AM
Author: CrownJewel
Miss Manners or Emily Post Etiquette? Which is better? Can you imagine if they had a party together? ladykemma, all of our friends are caucasian, in America for at least 3 or 4 generations. The only new-Americans are my fiance and me, and our families. So our friends know what they''re doing...I think :)


MariaD...haha. I''ll see what I can do about the obliteration of all bridal and baby showers (and any other shower that exists...what else is there?). I DO like to start trends!!! I''m afraid to ask, do people have baby registries too?
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So if you don''t want a typical shower, just tell that to your bridal party, your good friends, your parents, etc. and most likely there will be no shower. The only possibility would be a surprise shower, most likely from people who feel obligated, like co-workers, and then you just deal. And tell your bridal party/MOH/girlfriends that you WOULD like a nice night on the town, etc. Frankly, I am at the point where most young women would have showers for the tradition and obligation of it, and for getting together with women of the older generation that would NOT be going out with you for a bachelorette party. It is just less likely that a bride and groom these days are setting up their first house and kitchen ever outside of a parent''s home after the wedding, and that is what would cause one to need both a shower and wedding gifts. (Now first baby showers DO provide a lot of useful crap that noone has had need of before - and yes people register. Second baby showers, unless there was a long childbearing gap, are not so necessary.)

Since you have Americanized friends, I think you should definitely register. I''m not earning enough to feel like I can make a substantial cash gift so I definitely prefer getting folks stuff off their registry. A little more effort than a card and check, but not too much more, and I know that they''ll like it. Plus, there''s no need for your Russian/Thai family members to find out about the registry if they don''t ask. They are certainly free to give you cash.
 
Date: 11/21/2006 10:43:08 AM
Author: CrownJewel
YAY FOR MY FIANCE! I''m just so excited I wanted to share. Fiance got into the Columbia MBA program!! Woohoo! [/QUO


wow, i''m glad you''re excited about it!

when did your guy apply? it''s so early. does columbia interview its applicants? my guy only applied to harvard and stanford and he is waiting to see what happens there and then maybe apply to columbia and dartmouth. hasn''t heard from h or s yet.

do you already live in nyc? i think it''s a little scary. if my guy goes there it''s going to be quite an adventure for me b/c i''ve never worked full time and i''ve never lived in a 400 sq.ft. apt and i''ve never been to nyc!
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Hi nejarb,
I LOVE NYC. I went to Columbia as an undergrad and just can''t leave NYC. Where do you currently live? It may take a period of adjustment, but there are SO MANY wonderful things about living in NYC.

My fiance applied sometime this summer...I don''t remember the deadline. Maybe in September? He starts in fall of 2007. He had his interview on Friday (4 days ago) and just got his acceptance today! They move fast! But apparently he was one of the first to get his acceptance. Some don''t find out till end of December, I think. Good luck to your guy!!
 
Thanks again cara. I explained to my fiance that there would be people who are more comfortable getting us non-cash gifts, so for those people (in similar situtations to yours), we should give them the option of a registry.
 
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