To Invite or NOT?

[cutes814]

Hrm...how do I begin? This is a long story...

I have four close friends whom I grew up with and known for more than half my life. Of course when I got engaged I asked one to be my MOH, and the other 3 to be my BMs. My MOH was extremely excited for me and was honored I had asked her. My BMs did not react the same way.

I took two of them (S and N) out to dinner to ask them. When I asked the question, they exchanged glances with each other and then looked down at the table. S replied, "We had a feeling you were going to ask us that tonight." N replied, "I just want you to know I didn't say yes to my own sister when she asked me...but no matter what I will be at your wedding." N has 9 other siblings.

I didn't know how to react at that moment. My MOH was sitting there horrified at their reaction. They didn't give me an answer, so we left the restaurant to head back to my place to have some champagne. When I walked them out to leave, they still haven't given me an answer yet, so I asked again, "How long do you guys need? Can you let me know by Friday?" They answered yes and left.

They hopped into N's car together. I assummed it was to discuss the BM thing. 15 mins later, they called me to go out and have a few more drinks with them so I agreed and that is when they said yes to the BM question.

My other BM, "I" said yes when I asked her. Her main concern are her finances. She lives with her BF and their son. She is a non-working student.


One night about 3 weeks ago, N called me. She told me she cannot be my BM anymore because she won't be able to afford the plane ticket to Hawaii, even though the wedding is not until 9 months later. What hurt me the most was she said, "Milly, even if I have the money, I should use it to pay off my debt instead of going to Hawaii." I'm not sure what her message was through that conversation, but what I perceived was that our friendship and my wedding was not a priority to her.

I was devastated by our conversation. This is a friend that I've known for 14 years! One of the people that I hold dearest to my heart. I called my MOH afterwards and I find out that she spoke with N a few hours before I called her. I can't believe N only gave the whole issue a few hours of thought before calling me. She didn't even look into any options before coming to her conclusion. The funny thing is just 3 weeks prior to that call, she had called me because she was stressed about what to get her BF for Xmas and his bday. And her budget was $400!!! I don't understand how she can afford that and also afford to go out if not every, at least every other weekend to the clubs! But she can't afford to save $70 a month for my wedding?!

Two weeks later, I went for my first dress hunting trip with my bridal party. When my BMs arrived, they seemed upset and stayed in a corner in the store. It turned out I had to make an appt for the dress fitting, so I spoke with one of the sales associates and made an appt. I approached my BMs and told them I had to come back the next day for the fitting instead. "I" couldn't make it so I turned to S and asked her if she could make it. She didn't give me a response and looked the other way. After asking her a few times, she finally said she probably can, but she'll be late. My sister, who is also a BM, and my MOH were perplexed by S's behavior. So was I! I didn't know why it was so difficult to answer the question. If she couldn't make it, I would totally understand since it was last minute notice. And why did they both trudge off to a corner of the store ignoring me?

The day after, my other two BMs wanted to arrange a meeting with me. They told me they were upset because I was not paying for their dresses and plane tickets (I have agreed earlier on that I would take care of my bridal party's lodging). They said to me, "We feel like you want to save money on your wedding, so you are trying to push half your expenses onto us." I didn't know how to respond to such a comment. What more can I do? I have already told them to cancel out a bridal shower so they can save some money.

"I" told me she wanted me to pay her plane ticket, otherwise she cannot attend my wedding. S said she is still willing to be my BM, but I'm expecting too much out of her. I told her I didn't want her to be my BM because she's willing to do it. If she didn't WANT to, it'd be perfectly fine. Honestly it wouldn't, but what else can I say in such a situation? At the end of our very long talk, S told me she still wanted to be my BM.

I went home and had a long talk with Sam. He said something that made a very good point. He said, "Everyone is in some sort of debt. One of my groomsman is in tons of debt, but he'll never get angry at me because I'm not paying for his plane ticket. Why should we pay for your "friend's" ticket when she isn't really a friend if she said all those things to you? If we should pay for anyone's ticket it should be for my friend, who is a TRUE friend."

I called "I" yesterday to let her know we cannot pay for her ticket. I am still waiting for "I" to respond with her answer. She is suppose to call me before this Thursday. I am pretty sure she is not going to attend my wedding.

So my question is do I send these two ex-BMs an invitation to my wedding? even if I know what their answer is? I'm assumming no is the answer, but I just wanted to check for everyone's advice. Thanks for listening to my rant and reading this long post.

 

[curlygirl]

Oh Milly, what a horrible position for you to be put in. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I have been a bridesmaid in out of town weddings and have never asked the bride to pay for anything. Maybe I'm naive but I'm truly surprised that your friends reacted the way they did. You haven't done anything wrong. You're even offering to pay for their lodging--that's no small expense!

Would I send them invitations? Not sure. Are they saying they definitely won't/can't come to the wedding or is it just that they don't want to be bridesmaids???? To be honest with you, I don't think I would even want them at my wedding. THey don't sound like real friends to me. You'll be fine with just your MOH and your sister. You don't need people who are going to bring you down when you're supposed to be happy. Just my opinion of course and I hope I'm not being too harsh! I'm sure some of the other girls will have better advice but I think it's just wrong for you to be treated this way by people you asked to take part in one of the most important days of your life. Sounds like jealousy and catty girl stuff to me and you don't need that.

 

[cutes814]

Curly,

I don''t think you are being harsh at all.

N and "I" said they won''t be able to make it to the wedding at all. So knowing the answer, should I send the invite anyway?

I mentioned to S and "I" that BMs are suppose to pay for themselves, hence the reason it is expensive to be in a wedding. But when I said that, "I" replied, "If I was going to have my wedding in Hawaii, I would make sure I can pay for everything for my BMs, otherwise I wouldn''t have my wedding there." However, if the shoe was really on the other foot, I don''t think that would be the case.

Knowing the treatment that I am getting from them, it is starting to change my perception of our friendship as well.

 

[selflove]

Wow, what a terrible predicament! I really feel for you having to go through all of that. Why does it seem like being a BM brings out the worst?! Are they jealous? Regardless, I think paying for their plane tickets is extreme (although I did offer this for my MOH only and only b/c I knew I''d have enough frequent flyer miles to cover the expense).

But now your main question is whether to send them invitations or not. IMHO, I think you should send them invites. It might be proper etiquette, I really have no idea, but I think it shows that you are taking the higher ground and that you still value their attendance at your wedding. I mean, if you didn''t send them invites, would they get even more pissy than they are now? I say send the invites and then the ball is in their court to make a decision. (I''ve asked my mom about this, for my own guest list, and she thinks that sending an invite to someone you KNOW is not going to attend just makes it look like you''re fishing for more gifts, but I don''t agree with her.)

However, if you are just too hurt to even consider them friends any more, then I think you''d potentially send that message by NOT sending invites.

Good luck and I''m really sorry you''re going through all of this!!!

 

[SoonIHope]

Wow, Milly, I am so sorry you are going through this!!! They are being completely unreasonable!!!! If they genuinely have concerns about being able to afford to go, they should just be honest with you (WITHOUT asking you to pay for their flights!!) and say they''d love to but they''re not sure if they can. There is no excuse for their behavior now if they really are true friends. I think if I were you, I would not send them invitations, or perhaps ask them casually if they would like an invitation anyway. If you send the invitations without asking, I think it''s possible that they''d yell at you MORE when they show up, blaming you of being passive aggressive and trying to guilt them into coming even after you know they can''t. Regardless, I am shocked that they behaved the way they did and I am so sorry they''re causing you so much stress in what should be such a happy time!!! Just keep looking at your ring and your daughter (& Sam) and ignore them!!

 

[selflove]

Date: 1/17/2006 4:52:51 PM
Author: Milly

I mentioned to S and ''I'' that BMs are suppose to pay for themselves, hence the reason it is expensive to be in a wedding. But when I said that, ''I'' replied, ''If I was going to have my wedding in Hawaii, I would make sure I can pay for everything for my BMs, otherwise I wouldn''t have my wedding there.'' However, if the shoe was really on the other foot, I don''t think that would be the case.

Wow--I would NEVER expect someone to pay for everything just b/c they asked me to be in their wedding! "I" is unrealistic b/c that just doesn''t happen in the real world! Don''t let her make you feel guilty. SOunds like that is what she''s trying to do.

 

[Tybee]

Oh Milly how tough,
I have a little trouble reading your post because of your pink font, but I believe I got the main idea about your issues.

Personally, I would invite my exBMs anyhow. It shows that you are the true friend. Your invitation shows them that you would be honored if they would attend your wedding. Knowing that they would not attend doesn''t mean that you don''t extend the welcome (if you still feel that you''d like to have them come.)

I too am having a destination wedding. I really struggled over the decision of having BMs or not. I didn''t want anyone to feel like the HAD to attend my wedding. It does sort of put one in a difficult situation financially. In the end, I did ask three friends who I knew would really be coming. Just yesterday I asked a fourth after I found out that she was coming. It made it easier for me to know that they would come anyhow.

So, basically, I would invite my friends, whether they agreed to be BMs or not. Your invitation shows them that your real intention is to have the people you care about with you on this very important day.

Good luck!

Tybee

 

[jorman]

Hey Milly, I read your story and here are my 2 cents. If I were you I would be sad that my BM''s were not very excited for me and were acting like pouty princesses. However, if I was a non-working student with a son, I would not be able to fly to Hawaii or buy a bridemaid dress. There are not many people who can afford to fly to Hawaii for vacation let alone a wedding. You should definitely be sad that they are acting non-supportive and acting ridiculous by sticking their bottom lips out in the corner- I would be sad too, but maybe reconsider having a smaller wedding party due to the expense. It is very generous of you to offer to pay for their lodging and that should not be over looked, but it is true that debt is a huge concern.

I am getting married this summer and we are not having anyone but us at our wedding: no bridesmaids or groomsmen, no guests, no family or friends- just us. I have been in so many expensive high end weddings that I didn''t want to stress myself out or my friends.

Small wedding parties are so intimate in destination weddings. It would still be so nice! Plus you wouldn''t have to deal with so much drama... Just a thought.

Good Luck!
-Janna

 

[FireGoddess]

Wow. Talk about a rock and a hard place. I feel for you - your potential BMs were acting way out of line, and a little childish about the whole thing. I DO understand the finances thing - sometimes, no matter how good friends you are, you just can''t swing a destination wedding trip. What I find troublesome is the way in which they''re handling it. I likely would have said, "Milly, I love you to death and I SO MUCH want to be a part of your special day, but I can''t afford the trip, even though you are being gracious enough to offer to pay for our lodging. We simply can''t afford the tickets and the expenses. I wish I could be there for you in this regard for your special day but I can''t." It is not fair to expect them to go into more debt for your wedding (those who chose to do so should do it of their own accord)...but it is fair to expect them to be happy for you and be happy to be in the wedding if they''ve accepted your invitation to be in the bridal party.

I would be the bigger person here and send the wedding invitation, even if you know the answer is going to be no. Then you''ll have no regrets about the way you acted. Don''t let their childish behavior change the person that YOU are. Good luck girl.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Milly, how awful for you! The wonderful gals here have perfectly summed up my feelings about this. Your BM/friends are being completely unreasonable. I would not want that kind of negative energy around me on my wedding day. I would be thanking my lucky stars that their true colors came out now, and not later when you wouldn''t have time to deal with their crap.

As far as sending them an invitation- I would. Only because they will most likely be invited (and attend) your shower. If they don''t, then there''s no excuse for that!

 

[ivanadiamond]

"Milly, I love you to death and I SO MUCH want to be a part of your special day, but I can''t afford the trip, even though you are being gracious enough to offer to pay for our lodging. We simply can''t afford the tickets and the expenses. I wish I could be there for you in this regard for your special day but I can''t." It is not fair to expect them to go into more debt for your wedding (those who chose to do so should do it of their own accord)...but it is fair to expect them to be happy for you and be happy to be in the wedding if they''ve accepted your invitation to be in the bridal party.

I would be the bigger person here and send the wedding invitation, even if you know the answer is going to be no. Then you''ll have no regrets about the way you acted. Don''t let their childish behavior change the person that YOU are. Good luck girl.

I couldn''t agree more with what Firegoddess said. I think your friends behaviour is completely deplorable and hugs to you for getting upset in what should be such an exciting time in your life. Don''t let this over shadow that you are getting married to the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE and that truly the union between the two of you is what is most important.

Having said that, I was asked to be a MOH for a friend and her wedding was in Hawaii as well. I was very honored and wanted to make it really special for her, but it financially was incredibly difficult for me to pay for my her bridal shower, bachelorette party, wedding gifts, my dress, shoes, hair, make-up, plane ticket and all the extra expenses that come with travel and weddings. It came to well over $3,000.

My FI didn''t come so I could stay with the other BM''s to save money on accommodations. It was incredibly difficult for me and she some pretty unrealistic expectations from her bridesmaids. I am NOT saying you are by any means!!

When a lot of people declined coming, she couldn''t believe that people would rather go out every weekend to bars and not save money for her wedding even though she was inviting them months in advance...I read that you wrote something similar and while I deeply empathize with you, people do have a life and a right to go out on the weekends instead of saving up for a wedding that you are choosing to have in Hawaii. I don''t think it is fair that you judge what they spend their money on. Please don''t take this the wrong way, because the way they are behaving is terrible. They could handle this so much better, but to expect people to stay home and save up for 7 months to afford all the expenses for your wedding isn''t fair either...

I hope you don''t take offense, i just was in the same predicament and it was a bit hard for me. Now mind you she was a freakbride, even wanted one of the BM''s to spend $2500 on a plain ticket to get there on Sat morning and stay for 1 night, because the girl had to take her LSATS and couldn''t come earlier...I just didn''t think her expectations were fair, and I am not saying that your are not fair...maybe they just can''t afford it...

Your wedding day is going to be PERFECT with or without them. Don''t let them take any thing away from it!!!!!!!!

 

[cutes814]

Thank you for all of your responses. I really appreciate it. I'm going to try to respond to everyone individually.

selflove, I feel the same way about being a BM brings out the worst. I do not think they are jealous at all. I am the first to be getting married, so I don't think they understand at all what is expected from being a BM or how stressful it is for the bride. I am very hurt by their actions. After all, these are my dearest friends and we've been through everything. I mean we have been drifting apart ever since my daughter was born, but that is only because I cannot go clubbing with them every week.

albicocca, it might be possible that they will think I am trying to guilt them into coming even after they have told me they can't. I do want to send the invitations even though they have told me they are not coming. This whole BM ordeal has been causing me a lot of stress. The night that I had to meet with S and "I", I had an anxiety attack before I met up with them. Just because of what N had said and also because I realized where our friendships really stand.

tybee, my intention for my wedding IS to share it with the people I care about. But I don't know if they will see it that way if I send them an invitation. I don't even know if I should invite them to the bridal shower and bachlorette party. I don't want it to seem like I am inviting them because I want their gifts! Because that is definitely NOT the case.

jorman, I am extremely sad that this is where my friendship stands with my them. I have known them for 14 years and we've been through all the ups and downs. I just can't believe that this is happening. I have spent many nights crying because I realize that where I put them in my heart is not the same with them. I am the type of person that doesn't have too many close friends. I can count all my close friends with less than one hand. I am extremely loyal to my friendships and this felt like I had been stabbed in the heart by them.

FireGoddess, I also understand the finances thing with "I". She has tried everything she can and I know it is difficult for her, but for N and S, it's a different story. I think I will be sending them the invitation anyway.

ChargerGrrl, I am actually very thankful that their colors are coming out now and not later when the planning has developed further. Sam's friend's wife actually warned me about this. She told me that when you ask your friends to be your BM, it either strengthens your friendship or end up hurting it, but it's funny how it brings out the true personality of the person. Regarding the bridal shower, I don't know if they will even attend if my MOH invites them.

ivanadiamond, I'm not letting this situation overshadow the fact that I am marrying Sam. It is just very difficult for me to accept the reality of the situation, that my friendship with them is not where I thought it was. It just hurts to even think about it. I hear your previous situation about your friend's wedding. I am not expecting my bridal party to spend any where near that much for the wedding. I have already expressed to them that I will be paying for the hair and makeup, the lodging expenses, and I even told them we can forgo the tradition of a bridal shower to save them money. I am not being picky with the BM dress at all. I'm down with hunting for regular cocktail dresses that cost $30! So basically the expense they have to cover is the plane ticket. I do not think I am asking too much from the people that I grew up with. And when N can spend $400 on her one-year-BF's bday and not even consider coming to my wedding? That really hurts! Especially because I love her so much! I am not taking any offense from your post, but just stating that this situation is a little different. Thanks for your side of the story though.

So I guess I am going to send out the invitations. At least I know in my mind that I have done my part.

 

[freckles127]

Milly,

It looks like you''ve already made up your mind about the invitations but I just wanted to say that you are definitely taking the high road.. in any case, there is always hope that they will change their minds and decide to come. At least you have given them the option.

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[ky6]

Milly-
I think you are making the right decision by sending the invitations. I understand you are hurt and I think justifiably so. But until you decide that either of these are friendships you no longer wish to have, not sending an invitation to someone you otherwise would consider a friend that you would like to be there would just be in reaction to their behavior. As long as they are people with whom you would like to maintain a friendship, you should continue to treat them like a friend- regardless of their behavior. I am not saying that you cannot communicate your hurt to them or that you should let them treat you poorly. But I do think that you should continue to include them in whatever way you would another friend of their position in your life until you decide they no longer hold that position.

BIG HUGS to you though. I do know how you must feel. There is nothing more awful than realizing a friendship may be failing.

 

[CareBear]

I have a friend who found out a much harder way how her BMs really are. 2 of the BMs backed out together right before the wedding. They consipired and pre-planned to deliberately hurt her! She even had 2 BM dresses made for each of them. I don't know what drove those girls to hurt her so much. Jealousy maybe... Sigh, girls can be so mean! But she pulled through and still had herself an awesome wedding with people who truly care about her. It's a good way to find out who your real friends are!

I think you should send them an invitation. It's up to them whether or not they want to come. I would find other BMs or even having just the MOH is fine. The more BMs, the more work/expenses for you! Try not to let it get to you! Spend more time with people who are there are for. Don't focus on the people who bother you. It's a very special time in your life and you need to enjoy every second of it!

 

[moon river]

I would definatly invite them. The way they handled things could have been a cover for not being able to go finacially. People act funny when they are given a situation they don''t know how to handle. I hope your friendships survive this bump in the road. Don''t let it ruin your wedding.

 

[rms]

I am really sorry for what you are going through...I think you have been given great advice by all the ladies here, and I think sending the invitations out is definitely the right thing to do. If you think they might interpret receiving the invites as anything other than for the fact that you want them to share your special day with you, maybe calling or writing to them shortly after sending out the invites would be nice?!?! I don''t know, it''s just a thought...weddings really can bring out a lot of stuff that you don''t expect. Keep your chin up!

 

[Caribou]

Oh Milly I''m sorry that you are going through this. I would send them an invite though, they probably feel horrible about having to say no and not getting an invite would make them feel even more horrible.

Here''s my 2cents which might not be the most popular.....I can somewhat understand where they are coming from. Not only can being a BM in a hometown be expensive but add a plane ticket to Hawaii. I don''t think that you should have to pay for their ticket but try and not get too down about it. I mean, I''m sure you''re wedding is important to them but it''s your wedding not theirs, so it''s just naturally going to be more important to you. Saying that, they could have handled the situation a lot better. They could have voice their concern before agreeing to be in your wedding.

I understand what it''s like to be in debt.... I have a friend whose husband is loaded, she never has to worry about money for the rest of her life this has clouded her thinking that not every one has that fortune. She''s always suggesting for us to do something...."Let''s go to Chicago!"... I can''t afford that so I jokingly respond ''Are you paying?'' So even though you may look at it as what''s the big deal if they put $70 a month away for it....they don''t look at it quite the same. They look at it as that''s $70 they could be paying towards another bill.

Again, I think their way of handling the situation was bad but I''m sure they feel very bad for it, especially if you have been good friends for the past 14 years.

 

[flutterby]

Milly,

I feel so bad for you. When I asked my MOH she was also thrilled. She is a flight attendant and has no problem with the cost of coming to Vegas for my wedding. She was suprised I asked her instead of another friends, but very oleased and excited! So when I asked my other friend (who is probably my best friend, but she is a lesbian and isnt into weddings at all, which is why she is my MOH, she just doesnt get weddings) she told me she wasnt even sure if she could afford to go, and asked when I needed to know by. I was so hurt by this, Its vegas in 10 months, how can you not afford it? you make more than me!!! and I''m your best friend! She never takes vacations and doesnt prioritize travel, I tried to use this as an excuse, but it didnt make me feel better. She asked me for a breakdown of how much it would cost. I provided her with and then didnt hear for nearly 2 months! I was almost going to retract the offer! Then on New years eve as we were ready to go out, she accepted. She said she would work it out, and no matter what would be there. It meant the world to me. I dont know what wouldve happened if she wouldve said no.

with all that said, they should be part of your wedding because they want to. not because they talked you into paying for it. If they keep pushing for airfare tell them you wish they could be part of your day, but you understand it is alot to ask. As for inviting them, if they cant afford to be a BM can they really afford to go, I mean they have to buy a dress anyway! I wouldnt invite them!

 

[cutes814]

freckles, I do hope they change their mind and come. It would mean a whole lot to me if they were there.

ky6, when I finally realized that our friendship didn''t mean as much to N as it did to me, it was one of the most awful feelings I ever felt! I guess it''s because our lives are in different stages. I''m getting married, have a kid, only go to work and stay home, and she is single, working part time, and going out every week. I can see how we have slipped apart since I am unable to go out with her as much as I did before, but in my heart, our friendship haven''t changed a bit. It''s just hard knowing that it has for her.

CareBear, what a terrible thing the two BMs did to your friend! That is just awful. They are evil to do such a thing! Conspiring to purposely hurt her! Those girls weren''t her friends at all. I think I would be extremely angry if someone did that to me.

moon river, i''m pretty sure our friendship would survive this bump, but I don''t think our friendship is the same after this. I am definitely NOT going to let this affect my wedding. Thanks!

rms, I am definitely going to send them the invitations. They can interpret it however they like. I do not want to regret what I do and if I do not send the invites, I know I will regret it. Who knows? Maybe they will attend? There is always hope.

Caribou, I agree! I think they should''ve voiced their concern before agreeing to be in the bridal party. When I asked them, I told them to really think about it since it''s going to be in Hawaii. I understand exactly where they are coming from, I just wished it was handled a little better. I was really hurt when everything fell onto me that one week. But I am a lot better now. Regarding the $70 a month thing for N. I know her situation, paying off her debt has not been her number one priority. She is constantly going to the clubs every week and drinking all her money away. If she wasn''t doing that then I would totally understand. Like "I''s" situation, she is a non working student, and she saves whatever money she has, never spends her money recklessly, so I''m not hurt that she told me upfront she might not be able to attend. I know she is trying her best. But with N, I KNOW she is choosing to use her money for going out and partying instead of coming to my wedding. I am not upset because of that. I am upset because I now know where I stand in her heart. My wedding is NOT as important as going out and drinking. *SIGH* Oh, wells....

msflutter, you would probably know exactly how I feel if your BF had said no. Even when she was hesitating, it stung, didn''t it? If my situation was with any regular friend, I would be totally fine, but these girls are my best friends! We have been through so much!!! Which makes this more difficult.

Sam says I''ve just been in denial for the past few years about my friendship with N. Reason why he says this is in the last 3 years, ever since I was pregnant with Alyssa, we have been a little distant. N would call me to go to the clubs every week and since I was pregnant, I was in no condition to go clubbing so I always turned her down. N didn''t want to setup my baby shower with my other friend, S. And after the baby was born, we grew further apart. She never came to Alyssa''s bday parties and hardly ever came over to the house to visit (maybe twice in the last 3 years).

I know it is hard for her to understand the changes in my life, so I never pushed anything onto her. I would try to go out with her as much as I could. All we ever did was go to the clubs, which sometimes I didn''t feel like going, but I knew she wanted to go so I went along anyway. That''s what friends are for, no? To be there when the other person needs you, regardless if it is emotional or physical support. I guess over the last several years, her perception of the friendship changed.

Sam saw all of this and tried telling me a few times, but I always refused to listen or believe it, until now. It''s true, maybe our friendship has gone down the drain. But I''m always hopeful that it''ll spark up again.

 

[fire&ice]

Sounds like "N" has been out of your life for a while. She was a friend when you fit into her lifestyle. Doesn''t sound like she is trying to at least try to fit into your present lifestyle. This happens quite a bit and is a normal part of the cycle of some friendships. Most unfortunate - but true.

 

[cutes814]

Date: 1/19/2006 12:45:13 PM
Author: fire&ice
Sounds like ''N'' has been out of your life for a while. She was a friend when you fit into her lifestyle. Doesn''t sound like she is trying to at least try to fit into your present lifestyle. This happens quite a bit and is a normal part of the cycle of some friendships. Most unfortunate - but true.

It is very unfortunate.