To move or not; build a house or not these are the questions that try my soul

[Matata]

Gah. It's that time of life. I'll be 70 in January (ack) and DH will be 75 (ack ack) in February. Step-son wants us to relocate to his city, 5 hrs north of us. He wants to take care of us when we are no longer able to care for ourselves and being 5 hrs away (one hour flight) would be inconvenient for him. We just finished a 5 yr reno of our house and love it as well as love where we live. He's also working on his mom and her DH to relocate; they live in the same town we do. Step-son can't come here as he needs to be close to a reliable airport for his job and we definitely don't have that.

I understand that we do need to make the move and we should do it while we're still healthy and active and age in place in the new city. DH is reluctant. He says we're moving to die. I said we're going to die where ever we are and it would be nice to spend our remaining years near family, especially now that we have a grand kid, and especially because we're still in great shape and able to keep up with her.

Making new friends will be difficult, dealing with the traffic and other inconveniences of living near/in a much bigger city are realities that are difficult for DH especially since he's lived in this community since the '70s and knows all the hiking and skiing trails within a 200 mile radius. He lives to hike and ski both of which are available near the new city just not as convenient to get to.

I've been looking at houses and the majority are 2-3 story and we need a one-level home so it appears that we'll need to buy land and build a one-level or will need to put an elevator in a 2-story home if we can't find a level lot. This city has a bunch of hillside lots but not an abundance of level lots. If we move 30 minutes outside of the city we can get land cheaper but then would have to drive to most of the conveniences.

If we build, which I'm 95% sure will happen, it will fall on my shoulders to find the land, architect, contractor, interior planner & decorator because DH would be happy living in a tent. So, an incentive for me is to build a passive house -- sustainable materials, environmentally friendly, low energy use. It'll be expensive but it will be the dangling carrot that will pry me out of my comfort zone.

My fear is that we won't have the support we need in our current home if one of us becomes ill or incapacitated. If I'm the first one to become incapacitated or die, DH would be happy staying where we are and he'd rattle around this house all alone and be content dying on a hiking trail or skiing down a mountain. If he goes first, I'll be stuck all alone and my choices for making a move at that point would be more restricted. I have a bunch of friends here who have no family to support them and it's not a pretty picture.

Ugh. Have any of you dealt with a similar situation? If you stayed in place, what factors drove the decision and if you moved, what factors drove the decision?

 

[kenny]

IMO ...
My priority #1 would be immediately accepting your step son's (astonishingly-rare & lottery-winningly) offer to look after you both in your "declining years"! Oh Glob, how I love that term!

While you'll miss your friends, and while it's not the same, you can make new ones ... but you can't replace that SSIL, a true 30 ct D IF ACA of a family member!

Considering of the enormous magnitude of what your SSIL is offering everything else is relatively-minor details because you have money.

Now that I'm also in my declining years, I realize how fortunate I am to have a DH who's half my age, and provides me with excellent health insurance.

Don't burn up this winning Lottery ticket ... Move!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I’m on the other side of this equation as we bought a home with my mom about 9 years ago and renovated so we could have a “family compound” where she could age in place and be near her grandkids/my kids. It also involved a lot of changes for all of us, and it was a very major renovation of a heritage home to update and add an extension for my mom (she has her own townhouse attached to the main house). My mom moved from a different community and had many of the same considerations you mention weighing on her. But it’s been so good for all of us living near each other like this, especially when she had knee replacement this summer and needed our intensive daily care. She also spends lots of time with her grandkids which I think makes up for leaving her friends and changing her habits. They are teenagers now and they enjoy a very intimate relationship that I know means a lot to my mom and to them. My mom is single, so different than your situation, but she is the happiest I’ve known her to be in her life. I think it was a great decision for her and for us, even though being closer also introduced new dynamics in our relationship that have been… interesting to navigate lol. She and I both have less anxiety about the future knowing we are near one another and we can easily care for her no matter what happens.

 

[dk168]

My main concern would be what would happen if your step son changes job in future?

Relocation for me personally was the most stressful life event I had to date, and that was in 2006 in my early 40s and I swore I would not do it again.

Therefore, by all means relocate now than leave it later.

Finding new social circles will be tough, however, not impossible.

However, personally, I would stay where I am and enjoy life as I know it for as long as possible, and not to relocate for the convenience of another person.

Each to their own and all that.

DK

 

[Tartansparkles]

As @dk168 mentioned my biggest concern would be SS's job and the path of least resistance would be for him to move closer to you and his Mom and/or change job. (And from the sounds of it perhaps offers your granddaughter the opportunity for a more outdoorsy way of life).

Family dynamics change and you wouldn't be the first or last person to move and the whole thing goes to pot. I would ask myself if SS was not part of the equation would moving ever have been an option.

It's a tough call. Though the idea of building a passive house is certainly appealing.

 

[missy]

This is a tough decision because one, leaving friends and the comfort of a place you love is not an easy decision and as we get older it gets harder to forge meaningful and strong relationships with others. And two, I personally would not want to depend on another who also has a full life. Where things could change. Jobs do change and life has a way of throwing things you did not anticipate. Not an easy decision by any means. Also, if your stepson is taking care of his mom and her dh could he get overwhelmed and could it be too much? Perhaps not but perhaps yes.

I had wanted my parents to move closer to us (or my sister) but they both refused. They loved the life they had there and they were comfortable where they were. My mom had renovated her house just the way she wanted it to be and she wasn't moving. Eventually I realized that wouldn't be best for them. I am at peace with their decision but it took time to get there. They are in the environment they want to be in and comfortable with the life they have built despite things drastically changing heatlhwise for them both. And they are somehow making it work. Without us being their caretakers. Though we did want to be there for them looking back, that was a selfish wish on our part.

Greg and I are childfree by choice but even if we had children I wouldn't want to be a burden on them (that's me and I am not saying you or your dh would ever be a burden on your stepson). We have long term care plans in place and hopefully they will still be there when/if we need them. Things happen beyond our control and this was our way to do all we could to help make any transition easier. Hopefully we will never need it.

One important thought. You and your dh are not old per se (IMO) and as long as you are in good health why do you have to make this decision now? Why not move when you actually need to? Because odds are you might not need to. Not everyone ages with issues that necessitate help. My good friend's dad and aunt are 99 and 98 and they both live alone and independently. That might not be your case but it might be so why upend everything for something that might not happen?


Good luck with your decision @Matata
Getting older is not easy. Not for the faint of heart. Who said "Aging is not for sissies" but it sure beats the alternative

 

[seaurchin]

Imo it's hard to know what the right decision is when it's at least partly based on unknown information, such as how things will go in the future.

For now, it sounds like you have a lot to gain in moving near the stepson, more time with family and granddaughter and getting established there while you're young enough to adjust well. But also a lot to lose, the home you've put so much into and your established life where you are.

So what about an in-between solution for now? For example, keep your house and rent a small apartment near the relatives, if possible, or something like that. Split your time between the two locations, at least for the next few years. Only make a final decision when it does become clear to you what that decision should be?

That's what we're doing anyway, re our indecisiveness about what country we want to live in. We just put in a bid on a condo in Mexico, for part year use. In the future, depending on several factors, we might continue to use it as a part-time home, a vacation place for extended family and possibly also as a short-term rental for income. Or we might move there full-time or sell it. So it will (hopefully) make us happy for now without disrupting our life too much. We'll worry about later on, later on.

Also, I'm thinking that if you were elderly and in need of family assistance, you might possibly prefer simpler housing then, anyway? Like the apartment mentioned above, or an easy upkeep, ground floor condo? Or even one of the two story places that are typical there, but just mainly living on the ground floor. Or even assisted living. I don't know but just a thought.

It's complicated to be sure. Either way, good luck with it.

 

[Rfisher]

From the outside looking in

Move there sooner rather than later if you want to have closer/more often contact with son and his family. A somewhat more simple and easy thought/desire/plan to have.

4 parents moving there so one son can take care of them when the time comes - I feel is much much less simple logistics of a thought/desire/plan.
Then there is what son’s partner thinks.

 

[Mreader]

I didn’t read all the comments yet but just seeing what you have near you right now and the things you and your DH say about loving where you live and your home - I think it would be a bad idea to move right now. It seems like it would be a recipe for resentment and unhappiness.

 

[MissGotRocks]

It is so hard to predict what the future holds. No way to know what health issues may arise or which of you might die first. Having said that, how much time would your stepson be able to spend on caring for you? Having someone close by to drop off milk or a prescription is one thing - caring for a bedfast person is a whole different ballgame. He is suggesting having four people close by so that he could check on them or care for them - and work and tend to his family. Being close by is but one piece of that puzzle.

The biggest question is if you would have money to hire someone to help with nursing care and such if that becomes the case. That is the most realistic scenario as he would not have the time to be a full time caregiver. Even in a small, one level home, it may prove to be too much later on if one of you is left on your own. We are staying in our home for now but realize if one of us goes down, the other would probably sell and move into a condo or such. Neither of us would want to deal with the house alone at that point. Inasmuch as we can't predict the future, we are not willing to move to a condo now just to offset that possibility. We want to live where we are the happiest for as long as possible. As long as the funding is there to relocate to something smaller and then list the house for sale, it can be done. We are established and comfortable here. Moving to another locale is not always easy and the pathways to friendships and such is much different as older people.

On the other hand, it sounds as if finding a new lot and building is exciting for you. If that is the case, then go for it while you can. I just would not base the whole of the decision on being closer to stepson to care for you if needed. Too many variables there for that to be a realistic plan. Having close contact with him and the grandchild is lovely and may be very meaningful for you both. However, again, that would not be the driver of the decision for me to uproot, rebuild and relocate as those things are major and time consuming - particularly if you love your current home and situation.

 

[dk168]

Throwing another caution into the pot...

If the SS needs to be near an airport for work purposes, what will happen if he is away travelling for work purposes when something happens to the 4 elderly relatives?

All very well to say move closer to him so that he can look after you easier/better when he is hardly going to be at home much due to work and whatever reason(s)!

Perhaps a power of attorney may be required to be set up so that decisions can be made on your behalf by him remotely.

BTW, I am commenting as someone who had chosen to live 8 time zones away from my parents since 1979 with no regrets.

DK

 

[Sunrises Sunsets]

I would vote no, don't do it now. You and your husband are very capable at this point to enjoy your home and lives so make the most of it. Your stepson sounds like a treasure and reassure him that you and your husband will make the move when the time is appropriate for your life situation. You haven't mentioned if any other family members such as siblings, cousins and so forth live near you now. That may be a factor also.

My husband and I are farther in life than you and your husband so we have some insight into this decision. We are active, enjoy our family and friends and love our home which we have downsized to our current objective. We have discussed how to manage if one should become disabled or dies.

The goal will be to live in our home unless it's not manageable any longer and then will move to assisted living. It's important to keep excellent assisted living facilities on your short list and updated. I assume you both also have medical providers in your location with whom you are pleased.

If you do move closer to your stepson, we would not recommend building anything. At this point in your life, it would be a huge loss of quality of life and life hours during the process. You two need to be enjoying the time left to you and not stressing over such a project. If anything, consider a nice apartment.

At this time, you could research nice assisted living facilities in your stepson's area in the event a health issue rises that requires a closer move. If you require help, you most likely wouldn't want your stepson responsible for your showers or other personal needs which a good assisted living provides.

When the time to move does come, homes are sold everyday. You won't be taking everything with you, hire a moving company to take what you will take and sell, giveaway and donate the rest. Letting go is a large part of advanced age.

Wishing you the best of luck with your decision in this matter but enjoy to the utmost, the quality of your days you have now.

 

[stracci2000]

This situation can be tricky.
My niece moved from the East Coast to the Southwest for her job.
Her parents later followed and bought a house to be near them.
Two years later, the niece accepted a new job on East Coast and moved, leaving her parents in the Southwest.

 

[Matata]

Thank you all for your input and advice.

I apologize that I was unclear about what taking care of us would entail. We are financially fortunate enough to be able to pay someone for in-home care part-time or full-time so SS would not physically care for us. He would oversee whomever cared for us to ensure we were being properly cared for. One of the options we are considering if we build is having an ADU built on the property which can be used for guests and eventually for a full-time in-home care person if it came to that. He is the executor for our estate and being closer to him makes it easier for him and us all around. We have DNRs and explicit instructions for what to do in specific circumstances if our physical or mental health begins to fail and all of us being close to the medical facilities would not only be convenient for all of us, it would give me peace of mind.

To address some of the points you all made:

My main concern would be what would happen if your step son changes job in future?

This is our biggest what if. He and his wife are determined to stay where they are and being able to work remotely gives them flexibility for finding new jobs if that becomes necessary. Still, it weighs on our minds so if we move, it means we'll have to be comfortable with the prospect that they might relocate because we won't do it again.

You and your dh are not old per se (IMO) and as long as you are in good health why do you have to make this decision now? Why not move when you actually need to? Because odds are you might not need to. Not everyone ages with issues that necessitate help. My good friend's dad and aunt are 99 and 98 and they both live alone and independently. That might not be your case but it might be so why upend everything for something that might not happen?

We don't have to move now. I think moving when we need to would be more stressful because we can't anticipate what "need to" means. I think making difficult decisions when not under pressure or in a time crunch is less stressful than the alternative.

Regardless of what may or may not happen to us in future, we are still left with the decision about being close to family. In addition to SS, there are also 2 nephews and their families near him. One in the same city and one a bit farther away. There is also a niece 2 hrs south of him. We see them sporadically but it's been made clear from them that they would like to have us closer.

So what about an in-between solution for now? For example, keep your house and rent a small apartment near the relatives, if possible, or something like that. Split your time between the two locations, at least for the next few years. Only make a final decision when it does become clear to you what that decision should be?

The sticky point with that scenario are my cats. For us to relocate part-time would mean euthanizing my cats. Two are elderly and moving them back and forth would not be good for them. The third cat is younger and doesn't get along with one of the others. They have to be separated and our house is set up with a safe room for the elderly cats and we split the time that they are free to roam the entire house. The other cat, a very large F1 savannah cat, is equivalent in the minds of a lot of people to having a pit bull. It would difficult to find a place to rent with him.

He is very bonded to me and doesn't tolerate others taking care of him when I'm not here. He gets aggressive and will bite and scratch. DH takes care of him now when I'm gone because we won't risk the safety of anyone else. I've been away for 3 short days at a time only 3 times in the past 6 yrs. Prozac didn't help him. My new vet (old one retired) suggested we try gabapentin to see if that helps and I just started that this morning so we shall see. In any event, even if he's more mellow on the drugs, I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone else taking care of him and navigating the complicated process of which cats are out and which are in the safe room. One mistake could be deadly for one of the cats.

I expect that it would be a minimum of 2 years and more likely 3 before we actually moved. By that time the 2 elder cats will be gone. That seems a reasonable timeframe for finding the property, architect, designing the house and actually getting it built. And then there's the prospect of what the new administration and its tariff crazy prez will do to the cost and availability of goods. sigh.

If you do move closer to your stepson, we would not recommend building anything. At this point in your life, it would be a huge loss of quality of life and life hours during the process. You two need to be enjoying the time left to you and not stressing over such a project. If anything, consider a nice apartment.

At this time, you could research nice assisted living facilities in your stepson's area in the event a health issue rises that requires a closer move. If you require help, you most likely wouldn't want your stepson responsible for your showers or other personal needs which a good assisted living provides.

When the time to move does come, homes are sold everyday. You won't be taking everything with you, hire a moving company to take what you will take and sell, giveaway and donate the rest. Letting go is a large part of advanced age.

DH is adamant that he wants to be cared for and die in his home wherever that home is located. We looked at apartments, condos, 55+ active communities, and assisted living communities where SS lives. DH agreed to explore those possibilities in the beginning but rejected the idea after getting acquainted with the facilities and lifestyle offered by any of them. He worked hard and invested wisely for the express purpose of ensuring that we can stay in our home until our deaths. I'm ok with that because neither one of us would do well in a small condo/apartment. We need space.

If we do move, there's very little I'll take with us. Whether we build a house or buy one nearly all the furnishings will be new. Another dilemma is convincing DH that we don't need a bigger house than we now have because we won't be entertaining 12 adults and various numbers of kids all at the same time every day, LOL. I'm working on showing him that we can have a smaller house that will still accommodate everyone during those rare times we're all together. It's a work in progress.

 

[ShinyPink]

Hi @Matata Big decision! The only ones in the situation are you and your family. No one here can fully know the dynamics and little intricacies, so even with all the advice, it comes down to you and DH doing what you want and your happiness. No one knows what the future holds, so maybe think about where you can see yourselves in 5 years or so in either area.

Change is scary and this is a big change. It's especially hard on seniors, who are used to life in a certain place or community having spent their entire lives there. There's been no reason to leave or change and the "what if" and "how/where do I" questions can be overwhelming. Give him time.

 

[nala]

Ok. 70 is young! Way too young to relocate as a preemptive measure. My in laws are 81 and thriving! They life alone in a mc mansion and travel sooo much. 70 is the new 60.
But. If you want to move because you want to be closer to your stepson—then by all means—if he is inviting you and you want to for the sake of family. Even so, beware.
I know a lot of folks who relocate for their children and then their children relocate again or turn their backs on them! Yikes.

I think you are still young and should continue to live your lifestyle as is. Carve more time to visit your stepson. Stay for weeks at a time before you decide to relocate. Maybe a season. Do this for a couple of years. Time will tell.

 

[lulu_ma]

+1 for what @seaurchin said.

I'm all for baby steps. After your elder cats cross the rainbow bridge, trying renting for a stretch to see how you like it. Keep your house as the back up plan.

FWIW, my parents and my in-laws moved up to New England to be closer to my and my sil's family in their early and late 70s, respectively. It's been wonderful to have them nearby in their twilight years.

**if you move to a different state, don't forget to buy a good medicare supplemental ppo plan.

 

[missy]

@Matata I get the cat situation unfortunately and we cannot travel at all due to our cat conundrum. When our two eldest die we are planning on traveling again but for now we are happy to be here with them. They are more than worth the sacrifice for us and I hope they are with us for a very long time though at 16 and 17 (our oldest cat lived til 17 so we haven't gotten further than that to this point) it is questionable how much longer we will be able to hold and hug and love them.

Good luck with this situation. TBH after reading your addendum it sounds as if you cannot make a wrong decision. A long time ago I realized that personally I adapt to whatever the new normal is and that my happiness set point goes to what it had been despite any stressful changes. Likely that will be the case for you and your DH. Initially of course you will experience more stress than you would like but eventually (and sooner than you probably think) you will return to your happiness set point new normal and all

 

[seaurchin]

@Matata

Good luck with this situation. TBH after reading your addendum it sounds as if you cannot make a wrong decision. A long time ago I realized that personally I adapt to whatever the new normal is and that my happiness set point goes to what it had been despite any stressful changes. Likely that will be the case for you and your DH. Initially of course you will experience more stress than you would like but eventually (and sooner than you probably think) you will return to your happiness set point new normal and all

This is a good point. I have also found that there are many different locations and homes that I can be happy in, as long as I don't have to give up the things that mean the most to me. In my case, that's being near our grown kids at least half the year and being able to keep our pets.

 

[missy]

This is a good point. I have also found that there are many different locations and homes that I can be happy in, as long as I don't have to give up the things that mean the most to me. In my case, that's being near our grown kids at least half the year and being able to keep our pets.

100%. As long as I’m with my dh and furry babies that’s all I need

 

[Matata]

I get the cat situation unfortunately and we cannot travel at all due to our cat conundrum. When our two eldest die we are planning on traveling again but for now we are happy to be here with them.

I knew you would understand. The 18 yr old has early stage kidney disease which is the most frequent cause of death in elder cats. It has progressed slowly so far. The 17 yr old has chronic herpes episodes which are awful to watch and I'm unhappy that he's so affected even though he's been properly vaccinated since kittenhood. His annual exams show he is otherwise in perfect health. The 10 yr old F1 savannah cat is a force of nature and will likely live another 10 years.

DH is resentful that we can't travel together because of Atticus. I understand that he wants us to be able to travel whenever and wherever we want while we are still physically able. But the cat...

 

[nkarma]

Ok. 70 is young! Way too young to relocate as a preemptive measure. My in laws are 81 and thriving! They life alone in a mc mansion and travel sooo much. 70 is the new 60.
But. If you want to move because you want to be closer to your stepson—then by all means—if he is inviting you and you want to for the sake of family. Even so, beware.
I know a lot of folks who relocate for their children and then their children relocate again or turn their backs on them! Yikes.

I think you are still young and should continue to live your lifestyle as is. Carve more time to visit your stepson. Stay for weeks at a time before you decide to relocate. Maybe a season. Do this for a couple of years. Time will tell.

THIS 100%. If you are talking about managing the design and build of a new home especially one that is technically challenging and your husband is off skiing and hiking frequently, you're much younger than a lot of us who have lower ages. My hubby's grandma who's 94 is still at her own condo and has someone who comes a couple times a week to help her shower and cook her meals but still living life going to casinos and seeing friends.

I also disagree that good friends are replaceable. I choose where to live based on who I want to see nearby week after week and what adventures I want to go on that are easy to get to.

Don't know what life holds.

I learned when I was younger that making life decisions for 5++ years down the road is heartbreaking as I'm not enjoying the present life stage as I should.

I think your son-in-law sounds really nice and kind, but I think it's his issue that he's trying to solve.

 

[jeaniefish]

My DH and I in your age group ,@Matata and I have to agree with @nala and @nkarma . The lifestyle that you currently have ( lucky you) would be very hard to replicate in a new location. I know , from experience, that making new friends in later life is not easy. Also, the opportunities for staying active and maintaining your physical and mental health may diminish with a move to a new location . Especially if it doesn’t offer the activities and friendships that you have now.
Have you considered the possibility that , while your stepson means well, he might not be cut out for elder care when “ push comes to shove” and he is actually having to do it? He could end up having to hire help. You can do that yourself, without going thru an extremely stressful and expensive move! Or consider that there might be changes in his life that would necessitate moving some where else. Or, he could develop health issues that would prevent him from caring for you. None of us has a crystal ball to predict the future.

Good luck with whatever you decide but, I vote for staying where you are and enjoying the lovely renovated home and the lifestyle and friends that you have now.

 

[Austina]

Ok, so similar situation. Our son asked us to move from the U.K. to the US when he became a citizen. You will not have to deal with all the financial hoops we had/still have to deal with.

On a purely practical level, there are several builders (at least here) , who will help you find a plot of land, and have floorplans to suit every budget. They deal with all the permits etc., you just have to deal with picking the finishes, which we had to do via FaceTime when our house was being built here. (During Covid).

Do we miss our old life, of course we do, but we’ve made new friends, you just have to put yourself out there. We’ve joined a trivia team at a local bar and met lots of people through that. We moved from a town with lots of amenities, to Hicksville!

Like you, we won’t need any financial support in later life.

 

[nala]

Ok, so similar situation. Our son asked us to move from the U.K. to the US when he became a citizen. You will not have to deal with all the financial hoops we had/still have to deal with.

On a purely practical level, there are several builders (at least here) , who will help you find a plot of land, and have floorplans to suit every budget. They deal with all the permits etc., you just have to deal with picking the finishes, which we had to do via FaceTime when our house was being built here. (During Covid).

Do we miss our old life, of course we do, but we’ve made new friends, you just have to put yourself out there. We’ve joined a trivia team at a local bar and met lots of people through that. We moved from a town with lots of amenities, to Hicksville!

Like you, we won’t need any financial support in later life.

How did things work out with your son? Do you think relocating for him was worth it?

 

[LilAlex]

Would you have ready access to top-notch medical care in either location? If he's near a major airport, I'm guessing that would be a yes if you move -- but hard to know for sure.

I would not want to start building a custom home in a new "downsizing" location (!) -- that sounds like the exact opposite of what I hope to be doing.

There is a lot to be said for aging in situ and a lot to be said for being close to family. I know many examples of each scenario in our own families. None of us here will ever know enough of the nuances to be much help with your decision, imo.

I wanted my terminally ill widowed Mom to move cross-country to be closer to us. So did my sibs -- we are scattered all around the country but none are close to "home." She elected to stay in her senior/assisted living surrounded by friends and in the city where she was born and grew up and met and married Dad -- and we all flew to keep an eye on her many, many times. In some ways, a "generous" offer to move close to an adult child is also a selfish one.

 

[Matata]

Would you have ready access to top-notch medical care in either location?

Top-notch medical facilities are where step-son lives and all of the people down here who need specialized care are flown up there across all age groups from newborns to the elderly.

The idea of building a home just the way we want it rather than the constant remodeling we've done over the years is appealing, too appealing to me. I have to be careful that I don't forget all the potential cons just because I get to build my dream home.

Staying where we are is the comfortable and familiar thing to do. Neither one of us has ever been averse to adventure. Last month we were talking about one option being a move to Portugal (an ongoing option since 2016) but pragmatically making a permanent move there would suck my energy away more than single-handedly building a house with just a hammer and wouldn't achieve the goal of being close to family.