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too early for premarital counseling?

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goldenstar

goldenstar

Brilliant_Rock
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Sep 16, 2006
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BF and I have talked about getting engaged around March or April of next year (5,6 months from now). He''s currently saving for the ring and we''ve already tried some on together.

Anyhoo, time has been flying and we are thinking about starting premarital counseling soon. We are both sure we want to do it at some point, its just a question of when. We have bumps in the road, just like everyone else, and we would definitely benefit from learning more about conflict resolution and the like.

I''m SO excited to start but we might wait until December after my final exams. Is it stange that we want to start counseling even before we are engaged? The plan is to go to a Marriage Family Therapist, rather than a clergy member (I''m Catholic and he was raised Buddhist). It will be somewhat costly, but I think it''s worth it.

I know there is an old thread about premarital counseling, but I''m sure we all would benefit from everyone''s thoughts and stories on this topic. Please share!
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I think that it would be a great time for counseling, even if you aren''t engaged yet. It''s never too early to iron out the wrinkles!

Marisa
 
And its a good sign that both of you are on the same page about it.
 
I don''t think it''s too early at all. My BF and I have just started the marriage talks and have decided not to get engaged until we have finished (or almost finished) permarital counseling. We thought that once we get engaged we will start to get busy with planning the wedding and we want to have the time and focus for the counseling. We too are looking for a therapist instead of a clergy and it''s been harder then I thought to find someone who we are comfortable with. The first lady we went to was so focused on money. She went on about how it is the number one thing couples fight about and told me that because i work in social services and will never make much money i really should have looked for a lawyer or doctor. Then she went on to say that in the next session we would work on looking at job fields where my BF could make more money. Needless to say we didn''t go back to her. If anyone has any ideas of someone good in the Chicagoland area I would be thrilled to hear!
bec
 
My DH and I went to a marriage survival skills class at my church when we had been dating for 6 months because we were serious about marriage. I think a lot of it is common sense, but it helps to remember the priorities in a relationship.
 
We began pre-marital counseling before we were engaged. I totally suggest it. It''s good to make sure you''re on the same page about things you haven''t discussed *and even when you think you''ve discussed it all, you find something you forgot* before you make the commitment to being engaged.

I''ve been engaged before, and once the counseling started, I was like, "WOAH. I''m in over my head here!" So, we started months before we were engaged. It''s a great bonding time, too. And again, you *LEARN* so much. It''s totally healthy and just a great time learning about one another and where you''re coming from, and where you want to grow.

Yay for both of you wanting to do it, too. It''s fun.
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This morning I set our first appointment with an MFT for next week. The therapist and I have been emailing back and forth for several days now, and she seems very nice from what I can tell. I'm hoping that she's the one for us. I don't know anyone to give us referrals, so all I can do is hunt online.

We are going to take the Prepare/Enrich inventory, then will do six one hour sessions.
Here's the link to the program if anyone is interested. www.prepare-enrich.com

I'm wondering if either of our health insurances will cover some of the cost. Maybe it will fall under mental health care. I'll have to research that over the weekend.
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I''m a grad student, and our school offers free counseling to students (couples counseling, as long as one person is a student). Has anyone used these type of services? Are they going to think we''re weird because we don''t have any specific problems, we''re just looking for some pre-marital counseling? Something that is focused on premarital counseling might be better, but this is free, which is really nice. Would somehing else be worth the cost, or should this be adequate?
 
Date: 10/24/2006 2:36:40 PM
Author: laine
I''m a grad student, and our school offers free counseling to students (couples counseling, as long as one person is a student). Has anyone used these type of services? Are they going to think we''re weird because we don''t have any specific problems, we''re just looking for some pre-marital counseling? Something that is focused on premarital counseling might be better, but this is free, which is really nice. Would somehing else be worth the cost, or should this be adequate?
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I don''t think its weird that you want counseling and don''t have any specific problems. My BF and I dont either, and I believe that everyone who is planning to get married would benefit from counseling. I think you should try the free counseling and see if you feel that it is sufficient. Since there''s no cost, you don''t have anything to lose.

My school has free/low cost counseling too, but we made the choice to go to someone who specializes in premarital counseling. Its not going to be cheap, thats for sure.
I''ll report back to everyone after the first session so we can all decide if its worth the cost. I''m sure it depends on the individual therapist too.
 
Date: 10/24/2006 2:49:04 PM
Author: goldenstar

I don''t think its weird that you want counseling and don''t have any specific problems. My BF and I dont either, and I believe that everyone who is planning to get married would benefit from counseling. I think you should try the free counseling and see if you feel that it is sufficient. Since there''s no cost, you don''t have anything to lose.


My school has free/low cost counseling too, but we made the choice to go to someone who specializes in premarital counseling. Its not going to be cheap, thats for sure.

I''ll report back to everyone after the first session so we can all decide if its worth the cost. I''m sure it depends on the individual therapist too.
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I didn''t so much mean weird that we want to do counseling in general, but more that it would be weird to do it at the on-campus place, where I''m sure they specialize in addressing existing problems.

I think you''re right, we''ll try the free stuff, and see how it goes. If it doesn''t seem good enough, we''ll look into other options.

Keep us posted on how yours goes!
 
definitely not too early - we''re doing the same.
 
I'm all for pre-marital counseling.

I bought it up to my DH about 2-3 months into our engagement and he was open to the idea. Our engagement was on the "shorter" side (9 months), so we had time constraints. We researched a couple of workshops, therapists, etc... and in the end went to the Engaged Encounter weekend retreat that's run by the Catholic Church. We were both raised Catholic, but no longer practice (we're "recovering"). We're not religious at all, so we had some concerns about it. We weren't looking to get preached at about our relationship or scolded for not being churchgoers. We decided to take a chance and did it. WOW, we're sure glad we did! There was maybe one session where I tuned out (natural family planning), and I was a bit uncomfortable at the first mass (we ended up skipping the others). The program REALLY made us think about our relationship, and talk about the future. We knew we were on the same page on many things, but it was nice to just focus on US and make plans. We were the only couple attending on our own accord, which the organizers thought was awesome (everyone else was getting married by the church and HAD to do it).

I highly recommend it.
GOOD LUCK!
 
I think it''s a great idea! In fact, I think maybe I''ll bring it up too. But... where does one go to find a pre-marital counselor outside of a church! Neither of us practice our religion, but I was raised Christian and he was raised Muslim, so I think it''d be akward to attend counseling at a religious facility.
 
Date: 10/24/2006 2:36:40 PM
Author: laine
I''m a grad student, and our school offers free counseling to students (couples counseling, as long as one person is a student). Has anyone used these type of services? Are they going to think we''re weird because we don''t have any specific problems, we''re just looking for some pre-marital counseling? Something that is focused on premarital counseling might be better, but this is free, which is really nice. Would somehing else be worth the cost, or should this be adequate?
Click to expand...
I think that the counselors there are used to seeing a broader range of situations than you may think. I too am a grad student, and I know our counseling center advertises that they do things like marriage counseling. I think it would probably be fine. I guess one caution is that sometimes they have psych grad students doing the counseling, which you may or not mind. I personally wouldn''t feel comfortable with this, as I''m a grad student and I know I still have a LOT to learn. I would ask for one of the more seasoned counselors.
 
Just got home from first session...

We just did some introductory stuff. At first we were a little nervous because we didn''t know what to expect, toward the end BF and I got more comfortable.

It was a good experience. The therapist wanted to know more about us and asked about our goals and expectations from the counseling. She talked about her background and the general plan of what we are going to talk about in future sessions. We told her a little bit about the specific things we think we need to work on.

The next step is for BF and I to take a long inventory/questionnaire which will help us identify our strengths and weaknesses as a couple. We are supposed to do this online, and we''ll begin to talk about the results next week.

I think its going to be a great experience. Its nice to have a neutral third party in the room when you are talking about things. That person can help bring things into perspective.

My only qualm is the cost. Its what I expected, but because we''re paying so much for counseling, I feel pressured to make sure we benefit enough so thats its worth it. I shouldn''t be thinking about it that way, but i just don''t want to feel like it was a waste. I don''t think that will be the case, but it has crossed my mind. So far, so good...
 
Goldenstar,

I''m glad you had a good first experience. Neutral parties are a great thing! I hope it continues to go well for you.
 
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