Too much to expect?

[ForteKitty]

Would it be too much to expect the engagement ring to be at least what I can afford? I mean, If I can afford to pay "X" amount cash for it, shouldn''t he be able to as well?

Not speaking personally, of course... this is just something my co-workers were talking about today and I found it pretty interesting. I''d like to hear what you guys think!

 

[ame]

It should be what HE can afford. And if you expect him to go totally broke and in deep debt for it, you really are only interested in the ring and not the relationship or promise it holds.

 

[fancyrock]

ame - I agree w/ you. If you expect HIM to pay for it... then it should be what HIS budget is for your ring, unless you are
willing to chip in for the difference and help to get THE ring you want. You don''t want to start your lives together in debt. Besides, you''ll get plenty of chances to UPGRADE later!

 

[ForteKitty]

I guess I didn''t get the gist of the conversation...

A co-worker mentioned that if she can afford a 2ct diamond in cash, the guy she marries better be able to afford at least that. Otherwise he''d never be able to afford her. I thought it was rather harsh considering her bf''s a struggling student and she''s making bank.

 

[ame]

Perhaps she needs to find someone who''s rich because it sounds to be she just wants someone to spend money on her and not love her. That is SELFISH and snobbish. Maybe she should marry herself. With that attitude she deserves nothing, let alone 2 carats.

 

[ForteKitty]

But it's not like she's milking him dry. She just wants to marry someone who makes as much as she does. I think there's always problems when the woman makes a lot more than the man... it really makes the guys feel inadequate and then they start fighting.. but i don't think that's reason enough to not marry someone.

 

[ForteKitty]

but anyway, what I found interesting was almost everyone at work agreed with her. (mostly married women) They said that it''s nearly impossible to marry "down" and make it work, especially the poor party is the guy. I was shocked! Being the new person here, I didn''t say anything, but I was pretty appalled at how snooty these people are. Time to get a new job!

 

[ame]

Not a convincing argument. There''s many cases where a man makes less. And to say you won''t marry and love someone because he makes less money than you and cannot buy you the MATERIAL GOODS you desire and seem to DEMAND whether you actually need them or not (or can buy them your damn self) ....oh man.

She deserves to be alone.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 11/23/2004 12:14

6 PM
Author: ame
Not a convincing argument. There''s many cases where a man makes less. And to say you won''t marry and love someone because he makes less money than you and cannot buy you the MATERIAL GOODS you desire and seem to DEMAND whether you actually need them or not (or can buy them your damn self) ....oh man.

She deserves to be alone.

so how do you feel about working your butt off supporting a deadbeat that can''t hold down a job?

 

[ame]

Deadbeat who can''t keep a job is different than someone who chose to work in a career field that doesn''t pay as much as my own.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 11/23/2004 12:13:46 PM
Author: Feydakin
My wife makes 2x what I make.. Always has.. We chose to let her career take priority over mine.. So I just follow along doing what I can.. I make a good wife

I suggested that to my bf once... he nearly keeled over and died, then got up and said No. I think it''s great that one of you is staying home with the kids!!

 

[LuvthatSparkle]

I''ve had a deadbeat boyfriend, and I''ve had a boyfriend with loads of money. I married neither!!! Both were jerks. After my experience I''m some place in the middle. It was really hard dating a man who couldn''t support himself. He wanted control of me and my paycheck as a way of equalizing our relationship, I ofcourse told him to kiss my butt!!

He was able bodied but indecisive and argumentative, I saw that as a sign of big problems to come. The "loaded" boyfriend used money to control a different way and worked hard to make me feel insignificant in our relationship. All I''m saying is that money doesn''t buy happiness. I had to spend some time revising my criteria as to what was most important to me in a man. And I came up with, he must have a job, because I have goals and I need to know what I"m working with. And he must treat me with respect and love me, be my best friend.

 

[twinkletoes]

I don''t think it''s very fair of your colleague to be making such statements knowing full well that her bf doesn''t fit into that category of money makers who can ''afford'' her.

I have dated the dirt poor guy in the past and it wasn''t fun. I didn''t mind paying for things, but he would want me to front him the cash in the car so that when time came to pay it would look like he was paying for us. I also paid for his car registration with my birthday money when he couldn''t afford it - only to find out later that he used the left over money to buy some trinkets for his car! My mom even loaned him a few hundred dollars - which was never paid back. I didn''t care if he didn''t pay me back. I loan out money only to those I care about and don''t really expect it to be paid back.

Now I am dating someone who just recently started doing well for himself and I''m very proud of him and it''s incredibly nice. And honestly speaking, I don''t make much money so I can''t imagine being with someone who made less than ME. LOL

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 11/23/2004 2:44:41 PM
Author: twinkletoes
I don''t think it''s very fair of your colleague to be making such statements knowing full well that her bf doesn''t fit into that category of money makers who can ''afford'' her.

I think she''s only with him for the sex!!

 

[fancyrock]

Date: 11/23/2004 3

4:58 PM
Author: ForteKitty

Date: 11/23/2004 2:44:41 PM
Author: twinkletoes
I don''t think it''s very fair of your colleague to be making such statements knowing full well that her bf doesn''t fit into that category of money makers who can ''afford'' her.

I think she''s only with him for the sex!!

Don''t these ladies realize how materialistic they sound? It''s pretty pethetic for them to go as far as making a statement like that. If he can''t afford her... he is better off without her.

 

[twinkletoes]

LOL ... interesting. you may be right! or else she''s hoping he''ll be making bank once he finishes school?

 

[fancyrock]

Date: 11/23/2004 3:38:59 PM
Author: twinkletoes
LOL ... interesting. you may be right! or else she''s hoping he''ll be making bank once he finishes school?

Either way... i think her approach to a committment is questionable. I feel bad for the guy... he has no idea this is HER expectation.

 

[Hest88]

I do think it''s important for most women to marry a man she can respect. Oftentimes that translates into someone who''s a good provider but it can also be a man who is passionate and committed in other areas. Thus, I don''t necessarily discount a woman who needs a man who makes as much as she does because career success often means monetary success, but I do think a woman who labels success purely in terms of money has a limited outlook.

I still make quite a bit more money than my DH, but we''ve never had a problem with it. I wouldn''t have been able to marry him, though, if he were a slug who made less than me just because he was lazy and aimless. As it is, he is a driven, hard-working guy who just happens to work in a field that pays less than my corporate jobs.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 11/23/2004 3:38:59 PM
Author: twinkletoes
LOL ... interesting. you may be right! or else she''s hoping he''ll be making bank once he finishes school?

Perhaps. Afterall, he is in Law School...

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 11/23/2004 3:48:19 PM
Author: firerock

Either way... i think her approach to a committment is questionable. I feel bad for the guy... he has no idea this is HER expectation.

haha.. Actually, she told him straight out she expects no less than a $30k ring and he agreed!

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 11/23/2004 3:23:11 PM
Author: firerock

Date: 11/23/2004 3

4:58 PM
Author: ForteKitty

Date: 11/23/2004 2:44:41 PM
Author: twinkletoes
I don''t think it''s very fair of your colleague to be making such statements knowing full well that her bf doesn''t fit into that category of money makers who can ''afford'' her.

I think she''s only with him for the sex!!

Don''t these ladies realize how materialistic they sound? It''s pretty pethetic for them to go as far as making a statement like that. If he can''t afford her... he is better off without her.

Actually, they could be realistic & not materialistic - *if* they are looking to the future together. I was brought up in a certain lifestyle. Don''t get me wrong. We worked really hard to get where we are; but, I conciously married someone who could take us there together. You really can''t survive on love alone. But, one can''t expect everything right away. However, I do think one must marry someone with the same work ethic & ability to provide them a certain lifestyle - *if* that is important. It was with me. I couldn''t stand marrying a deadbeat - a deadbeat that includes someone who choses not to work & instead draw from a trust fund.

 

[ForteKitty]

Date: 11/23/2004 3:51

7 PM
Author: fire&ice
Actually, they could be realistic & not materialistic - *if* they are looking to the future together. I was brought up in a certain lifestyle. Don''t get me wrong. We worked really hard to get where we are; but, I conciously married someone who could take us there together. You really can''t survive on love alone. But, one can''t expect everything right away. However, I do think one must marry someone with the same work ethic & ability to provide them a certain lifestyle - *if* that is important. It was with me. I couldn''t stand marrying a deadbeat - a deadbeat that includes someone who choses not to work & instead draw from a trust fund.

Very true. Some of my colleagues mentioned the same thing.

This co-worker is very young, extremely successful, and makes a TON of money. (well over 100K) Her family is very well off as well, while his isn''t. Perhaps they''re giving her pressure about it? I dunno, she''s normally very nice, but when it comes to conversations about her bf, she gets very b*tchy. Either way, I wouldn''t want to be in her bf''s shoes...

 

[fancyrock]

I agree with you fire&ice. It comes right down to choosing the "right" partner for yourself. I can''t define "right". We all came from diff up-bringings. We all have diff needs and diff expections of our future. Deadbeats are in a category all to themselves! Find a partner that shares the same veiw and value as you and work as a team to achieve your dreams together.

 

[fire&ice]

; Her family is very well off as well, while his isn''t. Perhaps they''re giving her pressure about it? I dunno, she''s normally very nice, but when it comes to conversations about her bf, she gets very b*tchy. Either way, I wouldn''t want to be in her bf''s shoes...

Perhaps it''s not pressure - but genuine concern. She may be materialistic & he may not. He may like to save. She may only want to spend. Sometimes this isn''t a good fit. May not be a recipe for success, especially if one of the ingredients is a necessary 30k ring.

 

[Sparkster]

Date: 11/23/2004 12

1:29 PM
Author: ForteKitty
I guess I didn''t get the gist of the conversation...

A co-worker mentioned that if she can afford a 2ct diamond in cash, the guy she marries better be able to afford at least that. Otherwise he''d never be able to afford her. I thought it was rather harsh considering her bf''s a struggling student and she''s making bank.

''He''d never be able to afford her''? Geez, doesn''t that make her a ''prostitute''?

 

[ursulawrite]

Doomed to failure, that''s all I can say. I have met far more interesting men in creative, low-paying jobs, than I have in the corporate field.

Furthermore, when my husband leaves his job at a top 10 law firm (to become a teacher) I won''t be ditching him in a hurry.

Paychecks are transient; good men aren''t.

 

[Deputy74]

My fiance makes about 40k more than I do (and I make a decent living), BUT we are both paying on my engagement ring. Not because it was too expensive but the way I figure...it's both our debt. The faster we pay it off the faster we have money for other things. Most of my co-workers (men) think its generous and the women think I'm an idiot to pay for my own ring. But then they have the same attitude as your friend. Probably why I don't get along with most women. My fiance gave me a set amount to work with and I picked outa diamond I wanted. Then I decided that I would help him pay it off. He was against it at first, but in marriage, whatever debts he has become mine and vice versa. It is a gift, but an expensive one and the faster we pay it off, the more money we'll have to buy that 65' big screen TV he wants with the wireless surround sound that he claims he NEEDS.

If he made less than me though, I would have accepted whatever he bought me because its the committment I want, not the ring, but I would have happily chipped in to get the diamond I wanted.