Toxic Friends--keep ''em or leave ''em

[hairgirl95]

Hi everyone-

After reading italiahaircolors story about her friend/bridesmaid meltdown at her wedding, I thought it might be fun to do a post on toxic friends. I am sure we all have them, or know someone who has one. Thought I would share my story--

I was friends with this girl for nearly 4 years. One of those girls that you just click with. I was her boss, our friendship started out as a work relationship, and it grew from there. In the beginning it wasn''t too bad. I DID realize early on that she was a little mentally unstable (she has been through several anti-psychotic meds and therapists, but she keeps getting *mad* at them and goes off the meds and ditches the therapist.) Anywho, she was engaged to be married, and the poor groom to be was just raked over the coals. My friend HATED anything that had to do with him--hated his family, their house, their friends, his job, his car, his clothes, the whole shebang. I asked her why they were even getting married. Her reply? I am 33 and noone else has ever asked me and I am not going to die alone. Hmmm. Her soon to be mother in law planned a bridal shower for her. My friend no-showed. The grooms family planned a huge dinner to get to know the brides parents. The brides mother locked herself in her room and refused to meet the grooms family. So the wedding day rolls around. The two families wouldn''t even speak to each other. It was probably one of the weirdest weddings I have ever been to. I was a bridesmaid, I stayed for the party, and as people began to disperse, my hubby and I left. The bride went ballistic. Locked HERSELF in her hotel room sobbing hysterically because I had left. WHAT??!! I gave her a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, a nice wedding gift, AND paid for her wedding band (she couldn''t afford one and I wanted her to have one). I never even got a thank you card. Then I got ignored for 2 weeks after the wedding because, get this....I didn''t ASK her if it was okay for me to leave her wedding!! There were maybe 15ish people left at the party when we left. Its not like we ditched out at 8pm. So anyways....it all blew over, and things were pretty stable and calm for a couple years. Until this past summer. My dh planned a great 30th bday party for me a year ago. The friend blew it off. Never showed. I got a txt from her, but that was it. I don''t care about birthdays so much, but we all HAVE to treat hers as a national holiday. If you don''t, you are crossed off the friend list with her. We then had a bbq for memorial day. She came with her hubby, and they screamed at each other the whole time because he bounced his checkbook. Things are starting to get a little tenuous at this point. As the summer wears on, she is becoming very needy. Calls me constantly to help with this, calm her down, let her cry, etc. Then I find out she is cheating on her hubby. With another married man with 2 kids. Who is a felon, fresh out of prison on a drug charge. He''s high on weed 24/7. She starts to treat her hubby even worse (if thats possible) and finally kicks him out. He finds out she cheated and files for divorce. The new "boyfriend" dumps her. She is on my front porch DAILY sobbing and crying and threatening to kill herself, blah blah blah. I spent 6 weeks being her support system. Suddenly, I don''t hear from her for 2 weeks. Finally I call her. I get CHEWED out by her cause her and the boyfriend are back together and she doesn''t want ME to remind her of all the bad crap he did to her the last time. WHAT is she SMOKING!! I kept my mouth shut, listened to her rant about getting fired from her job (she stole money), get mad because she only sees bf once a week (uh, shes his mistress, he is married, hello!), and then bawled for 2 weeks because he didn''t propose to her for christmas. Okay, here is where I am convinced she is more than crazy, she is bat s*it crazy! They dated for 6 WEEKS. BOTH married to OTHER people. And she wants a RING?? (this is the same friend I posted about in the smtr thread whose mother emailed me that my ring was too big. Also the same friend whose bf couldn''t get financing to buy her a ring.) At this point, I am done. I wrote her a very long email detailing why I can''t be friends with her anymore. I told her I loved her, but I think she needs to focus on some of her issues, and I am ill-equipped to help her deal with them without making her mad. Its been 4.5 weeks since I talked to her. And I must say the most peaceful month I have had in YEARS. I can''t WAIT to hear what other peoples experiences are. Thanks for reading.

 

[cutes814]

whoa, crazy.


i''ve had a crazy friend in my past too. not near as crazy as yours, but mine was full of drama too. always making everything about her and turning any small matter into this full blown drama scene.

the final straw that broke the camel''s back was when she found out i was pregnant (about 5 years ago) and demanded i get an abortion. hello??? that is not your decision to make for me. this is my child and my body. she wanted me to get an abortion because she had one and she thought i was not ready to be a mother. i did not understand THAT at all, so we went our seperate ways. we haven''t spoken in 5 years.

sometimes i wonder how she is doing since we were very close friends for 10 years. truthfully, i think she has a depression problem. but i couldn''t help her. i knew i had to get myself out.

good job to you for getting out of that toxic relationship.

 

[lumpkin]

Everyone has flaws and acceptance is a big part of friendship. Usually the good outweighs the bad and we just have to know that for whatever quirks our friends have, we have our own, too. That is way different than someone who is toxic and abusive. Your "friend" is definitely toxic and she''s going to do everything she can to make sure everyone is as miserable as she is! I feel sorry for anyone who has the misfortune to be deeply ingrained in her life. I vote leave her.

 

[diamondfan]

It is one thing to be tolerant and caring of someone when the chips are down and they need support. And some people are needier and take more and being their friend is a tougher job. But that lady sounds mentally ill and I would not want her around me for any reason. She sounds dangerous. Being a good friend and accepting someones flaws is fine, but exposing yourself to someone who could possibly do irreparable damage to you or your life is not warranted. Get out, it is a no brainer to me.

 

[Po10472]

I''ve realised over the years that there are people who are just not good for you and you fight it until one day you have a eureka moment and think, no, i''m not allowing myself to be around this negativity.

I was very close friends with a girl for 13 years and she always was high maintenance, everyone knew it. We had some good laughs, she had a wicked sense of humour but underlying that was a real selfishness, it was always her way. Anyways, there were lots of wee things that annoyed me but you tend to push these to the back of your mind. Things changed when en route to my birthday she txt to say that she couldn''t make it cos she had a bad period! *cough*. Then, 2 months later, my father suffered a massive stroke and she didn''t even txt me, or call me or come anywhere near me. I then didn''t see much of her cos I couldn''t even look at her because of her lack of support. But the crunch came when she emailed me her apology to my wedding! Not a phonecall or anything and she had intentionally booked a weeks holiday in the sun so as not to attend. Turns out she got married a year later - I didn''t get an invite - and has since had a baby.

I feel a combination of sadness at losing a friend, but relief in not having to deal with the drama and selfishness. I akin it to a dementors kiss. It sucks all the happiness out of you.........not worth it.

IMO - better to be without them for the right reasons, that be friends with them for the wrong ones.

 

[Gemma12]

Date: 2/28/2008 1:43:11 AM
Author:hairgirl95
I told her I loved her, but I think she needs to focus on some of her issues, and I am ill-equipped to help her deal with them without making her mad.

I think this is a great response. I agree with DF-this girl is not well, and it sounds like it would take a real wake up call for her to get help. I hope that she does.

 

[kellyfish]

I only had to read 1/2 to know that this is a toxic relationship for you. You have tried, but cannot save her. My BIL is like this. I have finally decided that I wishs him well, but am not masochistic and the relationship is unhealthy for me. I honestly wish those types well--at a distance!!!

 

[dragonfly411]

I had this problem, though I wouldn''t call her crazy per say. I was friends with a girl throughout middle and highschool. She was extremely selfish, always had to be right and everything was always about her. She never supported me when bad things happened, but if something happened to her I was supposed to come rushing to her side. She missed multiple birthdays for her own things. When we got out of college she met a guy through an internet game, and he ended up moving near by. Said guy was extremely controlling, and kindof a prick, same "I know it all and I''m better than you" attitude. He ended up trying to control me

so I told that situation goodbye. We then lost touch for a bit only for her to come crying to me when they broke up. well her brother was my ex, and she tried to support him in trying to sabotage me and my current SO''s relationship, and that was the end for me. I changed my number because the ex kept calling, and didn''t give it to her. The only time she ever contacted me was when she needed something anyway (rides to the airport, favors etc). So a few months ago she contacted me through myspace saying she needed a favor and needed to know why we didn''t communicate anymore.v

I told her that the reason we didn''t was because she was selfish and only wanted me around when she needed something, and she tried to wreck my wonderful relationship

. I told her that her selfishness had destroyed us, and I hoped she learned from it. She wrote back that she had wanted me to be in her wedding (again with the I want), but I was apparently bitter.

I believe that if there is someone in your life who makes your life unhappy, you should remove them for the sake of your happiness. I am a much happier person without her overbearing personality in my life. I can bask in my accomplishments, and feel intelligent, and feel like I am a good and attractive (inside and out) person. And I''ll never look back.

 

[luckystar112]

Man.
I totally have a friend like that. One of those people that you just don't click with anymore but have no idea how to end the friendship.
In my case it's a girl that I've known for about 10 years. We were best friends all through high school. Her and I dated a lot back then, and made a lot of bad choices in guys. I used to tell her that I never wanted to get married, but getting married (actually marrying "rich") was her ultimate goal.
Eventually I moved across the country, so I don't exactly see her too often...but whoa...the tangled web she weaves for herself. She is still a serial dater, and has gotten pregnant twice beause of it, once with a married man. I'm not one to judge people for the choices they make in life...but let's just say she doesn't have any children and I cannot for the LIFE of me figure out why she hasn't smartened up and at the very least gotten on some birth control. I won't even get into all of that...but she still lives with her parents (she's 26), she isn't in school, she *dates* a ton of losers, and even she admits that her life is going nowhere. She moved to Seattle for a year to take a job that a family friend offered her, and messed that up by sleeping with her boss.

Basically her and I are just in two separate areas in life, and even though I know I just need to stop all contact with her, it's so hard to do because I'm convinced that she will grow up one day...once her family stops enabling her.
I think the reason why her life decisions affect me so much is because she has gone out of her way to make fun of me to people behind my back. I guess because I'm getting married and sort of have my life together, and she may be jealous? I once confided in her (back before I was engaged) that if things didn't work out between me and my FI that I'd probably do things over and wait to marriage before I moved in with someone, took things to a physical level, etc. She told a couple of my other friends from home that they should stop talking to me because I'm "all religious now". Whattt????
I confronted her on it (not that there is anything wrong with being religious, it's just the way she made it seem) and she admitted to me that she was jealous of the way my life was going. I kind of just blew the whole thing off after that, but I just got a bad vibe from her because she talks behind everyone's back. She is the most insecure person I've ever met in my life.

When I got engaged, she didn't say congratulations, she instead went on a vent about how marriage is outdated and no two people can love eachother forever. She said some other crazy things about it which I've apparently forgotten because they were so ridulous. Still, she was my oldest friend and I did care about her tremendously, so I asked her to be a bridesmaid.
keep in mind, that I really only talk to this girl once every 3 or 4 months...at the most. The next time I called her after announcing my engagement, I told her that she was allowed to pick out her own bridesmaid dress, and told her the place to go and when she needed to get it done by (she had 2 months). I guess behind the scenes my MOH tried to set up a time to get all of the BMs together to go try on dresses, and this girl blew them off. She later apologized to them and said she didn't have any money right then.

So the next time I talk to her is when I called her and let her know that if she needed me to, I could pay the down payment on her dress. It was a very quick conversation because she was on her way to work.
The NEXT time I talked to her, she called me from the bridal salon, because she needed me to give her my credit card number so she could order her dress. She paid, then called me back when she left there. We talked for about five minutes, and in those five minutes she asked me how wedding planning was going. I started to tell her, but she said she had to let me go. You wanna know why???? She was with her MOTHER and they had just arrived at the MALL.

Yup, her mom stood right there while her daughter called me to borrow money (my mom NEVER would let me do that. She would have paid out of embaressment first and then chastized me for being 26 and so irresponsible) and then, after I GAVE HER MONEY, she went to the mall?!?!? Is she serious???
Still....I blew it off. Maybe, just PERHAPS, it was her mom doing all the shopping and she just went along with the ride. But knowing them I doubt it.

That SAME day, after they had gotten back from the mall, her mom ran into my mom. They engaged in some friendly chit chat, and then her mom let MY mom know that apparently my friend thinks I "talk about the wedding too much". WHAT? lol. Seriously now...one conversation when I told her I was engaged, one 2 minute phone call telling her where to get the dress, one 1 minute phonecall offering to pay the down payment for the dress she chose, and one 5 minute conversation where SHE asked ME how wedding planning was going and I got cut off because she needed to go shopping (the bridal salon is about six blocks from the mall if that gives you any idea of how long we talked for)??! At that time I had been engaged for FOUR months and she had to suffer through a whole 10 minutes of wedding-related talk?

I mean, obviously she's jealous. I get that. But it's just unreal. I've talked to her a couple of times again and haven't said a single thing about the wedding. And then my FSIL pointed out that this was a big, exciting part of my life right now and she should WANT to hear about the wedding. And I think that's true. So I can't believe I was so insecure about it. It's okay though. The only other time I talked to her about the wedding was when I told her that it was cancelled and we were getting married in Jamaica instead. No loss on her end, since I paid for her dress anyway. Although she WAS supposed to call and cancel her order (they wouldn't let me, I tried), and because she didn't the bridal salon went ahead and put the second half of her dress on my card. I still need to figure all of that out. If she would have called and cancelled like I asked her to, they would have kept the deposit and the dress, and that would have been the end of it.

I just know that this is a friendship that is pretty much done, but at the same time it's so hard to break it off because we've known eachother for so long. But it's gotten so bad because now when I talk to her (which isn't that often) I have to hear about HER life. She has no interest in mine, and I feel uncomfortable telling her anyway. It's a sad friendship to have. Not to mention that I think she is batshiat crazy and needs serious psychologial help. The last conversation I had with her she revealed to me that she was in a relationship with a woman. But made me promise not to tell anyone in case one days she gets married and has children. And it's not just any woman...it's her SIL's sister. I mean geez. The girl has absolutely no sense of identity, maturity, or common sense. I often think to myself that I am so glad I didn't turn out like her...which is weird, because she comes from a fairly "ritzy" area and her parents are still married, whereas I came from a broken home where no one in my immediate family has a college degree, and everyone has children straight out of high school.

I didn't realize how much animosity I had inside until I started typing this. Wow.
I think just writing it down made me realize that I need to end this friendship, quick. Should I even give her a reason or just stop answering her phone calls? We only talk on average maybe once every 3-4 months. But we come from a really small town so it's unlikely that I won't run into her one day. I feel like if I did it right now she would think it was completely out of the blue...should I wait until the next big drama fest?

 

[AmberWaves]

I had one who was really just the worst. She was possessive and jealous and always so insulting to everyone. She was so demanding and just plain rude. When I met my husband, she told me I was spending too much time with him. When I called to ask her something (completely relationship-unrelated) she blurted out: "I''m not going to be your bridesmaid". We weren''t even engaged yet!

She was a person with a very ugly personality- you had to put her first for everything. When her birthday would come up, she''d tell you what to get her, and if that wasn''t bought, she''d get super angry and make you take it back. When she started calling my work and berating me, I''d had enough. I''d just moved in with my then-boyfriend (now husband) and she asked me why I wasn''t sick of him yet- "isn''t that what happens?" She demanded I''d see all movies with her first and THEN with him. She''d call at midnight to see if I wanted to go get some food.

When she called at work, and I answered she asked me why I was being such a bitch. I told her I was WORKING, and she said that she was tired of my never making time for her, and that she was sick of it. She hung up on me (her M.O.- bully and then hang up), and then called back and said she wasn''t talking to me anymore. She was 28!!! She found a friend''s email in my email address book, and emailed her to talk about me (when my very best friend Natalie and I had a major friendship ending falling out), even though they didn''t even know each other.

Finally, after talking about it with a few people who had the same thing with her happen, I sent her an email (sorry it''s long)

Michele,

You wanted to talk, but I''m no longer willing to talk about this. Just because I didn''t answer my cell phone does NOT give you the permission to call my office. I do not take personal calls at the office, even my mother and father call my cell phone. That is one of the reasons I (and other friends of yours) distance ourselves from you. You seem to think you''re entitled to just do and say whatever comes to mind without any second thought, discounting other''s emotions, opinions or circumstances. This is not okay. You do not have the right to confront me while I am working. If a phone call is not answered, that person is likely unable to. This doesn''t give you the reason to call back again and again, not leaving messages. We were friends for a long time, and I admit it, you did listen to my share of problems, which I appreciate. But I don''t appreciate how you often bully those of us around you, either to do something, go somewhere, or just agree with you. You often try to guilt people into doing things with you, which is not okay. That is not something a friend does. Those of us who have grown apart from you are doing so for our own reasons, starting our own lives. Take me for example: just because Paul and I live together now does not mean I get tired of him. He''s my best friend and every day I thank God I have him. I want to spend every waking moment with him. It may sound trite, but it''s the truth. We are starting our new life together, and you have no right to come and try to make me feel bad for not seeing you. That''s what I mean by bullying and guilt tripping. Your friends are not your personal punching bags. I am not standing for it anymore. Just because a person is your friend doesn''t ensure that they HAVE to do or take anything you say. Friendships don''t work that way, and you can''t seem to grasp that. Your constant disapproval of how I live my life, your confrontational nature, and the way you just seem to think that everything is owed to you are the reasons we can''t be friends anymore. Yes, at times you were a good friend, but you seem to forget that people have
been good friends to you as well. I''ve read that some friendships are outgrown, and I believe that''s the case here. I''m no longer going to be bullied and guilted into a friendship with you. We are adults. Name calling and mud slinging aren''t done at our age.
It is no longer okay to angrily hang up on people. That is a childish tactic you use to get the last word, and convey how displeased you are. You shouldn''t be surprised when those you hang up on don''t call you back. I don''t need constant anger and judgment from
someone I call a friend. I have a life, friends and family, all things that are important to me. I will no longer deal with your aggression and anger. We''re too old, and too smart for such petty displays. After what you said today, yes, I am letting you go as a friend.
For I have friends who don''t demand things of me constantly. They are fine with how I''m living my life, and are happy to be part of it, no matter what little time we spend together. I don''t understand why you have to be first in everyone''s lives. At our age,
people are getting careers, getting married, having children! You don''t seem to understand what it means to give and take. You always take and never give your share. You''ve never really had to pay rent, or pay your way through school. You''ve worked, but it''s all for you. You''re 28 years old, and you still always put yourself first. You''re an angry person, that anger often being directed at people and things that disagree with you. And until you learn to sacrifice and put someone else before you, you will never be able to have a normal decent relationship, friendships included. The fact that you can''t be around happy people unless you''re happy as well speaks loads. You''re the type who needs to drag others down to your level or it won''t fly. You seem to have convinced yourself that whatever problems you have in your life are due to someone or something else. Maybe it''s time for you to ask yourself if it''s you, because the mere fact that almost all your present and past friends have fought with you (and I''m talking real non-speaking fights) at least once during the course of the friendship says a lot. You don''t care about other people''s problems, unless you''re done with talking about you. I''m sure it''s a two way street sometimes, and I''ve in no way been a saint, but people can''t deal with you a lot of the time. You make it so hard to be a part of your life, because you''ve got to be the number one person, and if you''re not, game''s over. I will never, ever forgive you for talking to Natalie behind my back, using her ill-gotten email address against me. Natalie''s friendship meant the world to me, and what happened between Natalie and I is something I will always regret. You don''t seem to know about boundaries. That was MY friendship, and you had no damned excuse to interfere. You didn''t seem to understand it was between Natalie and I. You were despicable and just plain wrong to do that, and it
just proves everything I''ve just said. You thought you were doing the "right" thing by sticking your nose into someone else''s business, but because of that, you poisoned our own relationship. You just had to make it about you somehow, even though you had nothing to do
with it. A friend would not have done that. For a person who thinks of herself so highly, and so moralistic, you''d think you''d know just how pitiful and disgusting it really was. It is with this that I end this email and our friendship. I will no longer compromise my pride and feelings to be a "friend" to you. Although I adore your family, and I wish the best for them, I will no longer be a part of your world. I think it better to cut off all ties. If you email, I will ignore it. And I will not answer if you call. Caller ID is on all lines, at work and at home. I will let the phones ring. Although I know you are above harassment, I just wanted to let this be clear. I will not talk to you anymore. It''s easier for the two of us that way. I wish to get on with my life, and continue building a future with those close to me. We had some good times, and I will always cherish those, but I''m afraid the bad outweigh the good. Good luck with life and the future.

Amber

Somehow she found out about my engagement and left me a Myspace message: "It looks like you finally got what you wanted". Lord. I am so glad to be done with her!

 

[musey]

Ugh, I hate hate HATE toxic people.

I've had three people come through my life since I was 14, and they followed the same pattern: we became great friends, then they started abusing our friendship. One guilted me to always participating in her projects, one let me pick up her work slack, and the last was a shameless financial mooch. Then, all three blew up at me over very small, or nonexistent (one actually admitted that there was nothing that made her mad, she was just MAD) things. I've had two try to come crawling back, and I'm still waiting for a final verdict on the third.

All three have bipolar disorder.

I think there's something about my personality that attracts these people (honestly). Dysfunctional people choose friends who will enable their habit(s), and I must be that type of person for people with bipolar disorder. Maybe something to do with my father, who is also bipolar.
Can you tell I find all that codependency psychology interesting?

I am happy to report, though, since getting rid of my last "toxic" friend approximately 1 year ago, my life has been toxicity free

I didn't even know drama-free living was POSSIBLE until the past year--it's great!

 

[snowflakeluvr]

well, i have a rather toxic mother....but that''s another story
but i do have a friend story, although not as toxic as yours perhaps,
i had a friend for years, the same size as me(we''re both tall), so neither of us is a bruiser or anything like that, both moms, and she used to PUNCH me or slap my behind, literally. everytime i saw her and we''d spend any amount of time together, she''d hit me . i literally said, "stop hitting me julie" but she always continued. one day, in my home, i said to her "julie, if you don''t stop slapping me, i am going to slap you back" ps i am NOT a violent kind of gal, more of a jokester but the hitting stopped and we are still occasional friends(she has moved from our community so i don''t see her often) but i was really considering ending our friendship over this odd/goofy physical attack on me...weird huh???

 

[krisvrn]

Date: 2/28/2008 1:43:11 AM
Author:hairgirl95
Hi everyone-

After reading italiahaircolors story about her friend/bridesmaid meltdown at her wedding, I thought it might be fun to do a post on toxic friends. I am sure we all have them, or know someone who has one. Thought I would share my story--

I was friends with this girl for nearly 4 years. One of those girls that you just click with. I was her boss, our friendship started out as a work relationship, and it grew from there. In the beginning it wasn''t too bad. I DID realize early on that she was a little mentally unstable (she has been through several anti-psychotic meds and therapists, but she keeps getting *mad* at them and goes off the meds and ditches the therapist.) Anywho, she was engaged to be married, and the poor groom to be was just raked over the coals. My friend HATED anything that had to do with him--hated his family, their house, their friends, his job, his car, his clothes, the whole shebang. I asked her why they were even getting married. Her reply? I am 33 and noone else has ever asked me and I am not going to die alone. Hmmm. Her soon to be mother in law planned a bridal shower for her. My friend no-showed. The grooms family planned a huge dinner to get to know the brides parents. The brides mother locked herself in her room and refused to meet the grooms family. So the wedding day rolls around. The two families wouldn''t even speak to each other. It was probably one of the weirdest weddings I have ever been to. I was a bridesmaid, I stayed for the party, and as people began to disperse, my hubby and I left. The bride went ballistic. Locked HERSELF in her hotel room sobbing hysterically because I had left. WHAT??!! I gave her a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, a nice wedding gift, AND paid for her wedding band (she couldn''t afford one and I wanted her to have one). I never even got a thank you card. Then I got ignored for 2 weeks after the wedding because, get this....I didn''t ASK her if it was okay for me to leave her wedding!! There were maybe 15ish people left at the party when we left. Its not like we ditched out at 8pm. So anyways....it all blew over, and things were pretty stable and calm for a couple years. Until this past summer. My dh planned a great 30th bday party for me a year ago. The friend blew it off. Never showed. I got a txt from her, but that was it. I don''t care about birthdays so much, but we all HAVE to treat hers as a national holiday. If you don''t, you are crossed off the friend list with her. We then had a bbq for memorial day. She came with her hubby, and they screamed at each other the whole time because he bounced his checkbook. Things are starting to get a little tenuous at this point. As the summer wears on, she is becoming very needy. Calls me constantly to help with this, calm her down, let her cry, etc. Then I find out she is cheating on her hubby. With another married man with 2 kids. Who is a felon, fresh out of prison on a drug charge. He''s high on weed 24/7. She starts to treat her hubby even worse (if thats possible) and finally kicks him out. He finds out she cheated and files for divorce. The new ''boyfriend'' dumps her. She is on my front porch DAILY sobbing and crying and threatening to kill herself, blah blah blah. I spent 6 weeks being her support system. Suddenly, I don''t hear from her for 2 weeks. Finally I call her. I get CHEWED out by her cause her and the boyfriend are back together and she doesn''t want ME to remind her of all the bad crap he did to her the last time. WHAT is she SMOKING!! I kept my mouth shut, listened to her rant about getting fired from her job (she stole money), get mad because she only sees bf once a week (uh, shes his mistress, he is married, hello!), and then bawled for 2 weeks because he didn''t propose to her for christmas. Okay, here is where I am convinced she is more than crazy, she is bat s*it crazy! They dated for 6 WEEKS. BOTH married to OTHER people. And she wants a RING?? (this is the same friend I posted about in the smtr thread whose mother emailed me that my ring was too big. Also the same friend whose bf couldn''t get financing to buy her a ring.) At this point, I am done. I wrote her a very long email detailing why I can''t be friends with her anymore. I told her I loved her, but I think she needs to focus on some of her issues, and I am ill-equipped to help her deal with them without making her mad. Its been 4.5 weeks since I talked to her. And I must say the most peaceful month I have had in YEARS. I can''t WAIT to hear what other peoples experiences are. Thanks for reading.

Wow that is some story. It is quite sad your friendship is over but it might good until she can work through things. It sounds like she is an unstable and really ill person. Hopefully she will one day get the help she needs and realize what a wonderful friend you are! Maybe then you guys can rebuilt your friendship.

 

[Mara]

i haven''t read any of the above stories about toxic friends but i say DUMP EM when the bad seriously outweighs the good and has for a very long time.

many times people hang onto childhood friends or friends they have had a REALLY long time out of habit of long-term affection or because of the relationship you used to have with that person. unfortunately once that relationship has changed so drastically OR the people have, you can''t go back and recapture anything. sure you can accept the death of the old relationship and personalities and move fwd with a NEW relationship if you both are still compatible and willing to work at it. but when one person has changed so much that the other doesn''t even LIKE that person, what''s the point of trying to make it work.

you can''t choose your family, but you can choose your friends, acquaintances, relationships, partners in life...so i try to just keep those around me who i only have positive relationships with because life throws you enough curveballs with other issues in life (job, health, etc)...why make it even more difficult by surrounding yourself with people who only want to bring you down. life is way too short for that. i am the most loyal friend/mate/family member ever when i have reciprocation from the other side, but when it''s just too hard to continue on and there''s no real reason or desire to...then cut your losses and move on.

 

[hairgirl95]

Wow!! The stories you all posted were amazing!! There seems to be a common theme among these toxic people, huh! I really think mental health issues and horrible self esteem are the root of the issue. I feel for all of you who have had to deal with these types of people. It is so emotionally draining!

Milly--I about fell out of my chair when I read your post. I was pregnant in Oct. 07, and unfortunately had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. When this "friend" found out I was preggo she was mad because it would take time away from her. Then when I had the m/c, she told me IT WAS FOR THE BEST.

because she thought my husband would be a crappy dad. If I hadn''t been so emotionally numb from the hormonal rollercoaster, I would have knocked her off her block back them! BTW she has never wanted to be a parent, so she doesn''t think anyone should have children. Kudos to you for getting rid of your insensitive friend!!

lumpkin and diamondfan---yeppers, she is officially on the "no longer friends" list. Heard through a mutual friend a few days ago that I am a selfish bi*ch and a true friend would have done more things to help her. The mutual friend has cut communication with her too because she tried to put the blame on our mutual friend when miss toxic got caught stealing money. Thankfully their job had security cameras and caught miss toxic on tape, therefore sparing our mutual friend from taking the fall.

po, gemma, kellyfish--thanks for the support. I appreciate it! It always feels better to get another persons perspective. You are all right--you gotta put yourself first. lol at your BIL kelly--I got a chuckle from that one!!

dragonfly---don''t you feel like a 100 ton weight was lifted when you removed yourself from all the drama? I know I did! Ditto on the selfish comments. miss toxic was soooooo selfish. It was really quite sad.

luckystar--yes, writing it all down is so cathartic isn''t it!! Glad you had a place to write it down and get it off your chest. I can so relate to the dating losers, backstabbing, obsessive mother, jealousy----oh its so similar to my toxic situation. If I were you, since you only talk every few months, I would avoid the calls and see what she does. If she keeps calling wondering why you aren''t returning phone calls, then I would either have a talk with her or email her with your position on maintaining a friendship with her. I tried to talk to my former friend about the issues our relationship had, but she was too emotionally erratic to discuss it. Emailing her became my only option. But, she was a person that I talked to MULTIPLE, and I mean multiple, times a day, whether via txt or phone convos. Your situation may be easier since you don''t communicate as often. I wish you luck sweetie--I have my fingers crossed for you!

Amber---OMG I about had a coronary when I read the email you sent because MY TOXIC friend was ALSO named Michele!! Even SPELLED the same way with only one L!!!! Oh how your words rang so true! The backstabbing, the meddling, the obsessive phone calls, oh boy, girlie, we were in the same crazy boat! Did you ever hear from her after the email? I have heard nothing, but I do have an update at the end of my post here.

Musey--yep, bipolar does sad things to people. I think my personality attracts these types of people too. I am very open, friendly, outgoing, and accepting of just about anyone. My husband calls me the patron saint of lost souls. lol I always think I can "save" someone from themselves. Its never gonna happen though. Glad you have enjoyed you "toxic free year"!!

lol snowflake at the toxic mother!! my toxic friend DEFINITELY has a toxic mother!! Mine, eh, she''s more passive agressive!! Loves to pull guilt trips!

krisvrn--thanks for your kind words! I agree, she is very mentally ill. Her past track record with mental health professionals is not real great. Everytime she was on track to get some help, she would slam that door of opportunity and retreat even deeper into her own sick mind.

mara--the relationship longevity point you brought up really hit home with me. We had been through so much together that I hung on way past when I should have let go for that very reason--we had history together. If it was a casual friend, then distancing myself would have been easier. This girl was a best friend for quite a while. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that our friendship was barely a shell of what it used to be.



WHEW!! Sorry for the rant response, I just wanted to acknowledge ALL the great points and offer my sympathies to all of you who are/have been in this situation too. I actually spoke to miss toxic friends'' ex-husband earlier today. Miss toxic called him up TRYING TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM!! Turns out the mr. married boyfriend isn''t going to leave his wife.

No way--that NEVER happens!!!

Ex hubby had lunch with miss toxic, told her that while he will always care about her, he has moved on with his life (and is dating the sweetest girl--me and dh met her last week--they are PERFECT for each other) and miss toxic got so mad she dumped her pepsi on his lap and WALKED HOME!! Then called him 17 TIMES in 2 hours. Left 6 bawling and sobbing voicemails. Wow. Her ex finally turned his phone off. As if we needed any MORE ammo to declare her crazy!

 

[Independent Gal]

Hey, just a friendly note to be careful about equating bipolar with toxic. I know of at least one lady who is a regular contributor to this board who has shared with us that she lives with bipolar disorder, and I''m sure we''d all agree she ain''t even a tiny bit toxic, and might take offence to the implication.

I''m sure you didn''t mean to make it an equation, but just so''s we''re all clear that it isn''t.

Sorry about these horrid friends! Definitely dump ''em. I don''t have any friends like that, only my good old Crazy Aunt F.

 

[phoenixgirl]

If anything I am too quick to give up on people (I totally get it when Mr. Darcy says, "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever" in Pride and Prejudice). I definitely believe that if someone is unable to take responsibility for herself (in other words, it''s ok to mess up, but you can''t be a psycho who projects her faults onto others -- you need to own them and try to rectify them), then you shouldn''t waste your time being somebody''s doormat or punching bag.

The funny thing is that the only real example of this I could come up with (other than family) was a guy friend. But it was the same story -- DH and I met him and his wife and became couple best friends instantly. I almost asked her to be my in our wedding but didn''t since we''d only known each other a few months when we got engaged.

Anyway, her husband is, ironically, a published author on etiquette. This is ironic because he is the most clueless, self-centered, and socially intrusive man I know. The death knell of our friendship was when he came to speak to my classes for career day (being a published author and all). Knowing him to be a bit artsy and full of himself, I did forewarn him that he must censor himself for my teenaged students, but I didn''t really believe a grown man (a decade my senior) would be so desperate to impress some 16 year olds that he''d just totally disregard my request. During the first class he read rap lyrics with the n- and f- words in it and used catch phrases like "pimps and hos and cadillac dohs" when asking the kids what their goals were (Don''t ask me how this was relevant to being a published author as these were not his rap lyrics). I spoke to him between classes and told him that didn''t fly. So the next class he had kids read the lyrics instead, as if that was better. (Mommy, some weird man made me say the n- word in English class today.) By the third class, I grew emboldened enough to chastize him when he cursed or mentioned sex/drugs/gang life, and he gave some grandiose speech about standing up to the man and kept doing it!

I am a tough girl, and no student has ever made me cry, but I confess that later that day I ran to the teacher''s lounge for a good cry. Here was a close friend, somebody I was proud to show off to my students, and he put me in a position where if a student had it out for me and had chosen to tell on me, I would have been toast! I don''t care if he thought he knew better than me what was appropriate for my students. A friend would have respected my request even if he didn''t agree with me.

And this guy was such a dufus that when my husband told him how upset I was, his first reaction was again some self-serving speech about how he would be happy to go toe to toe with any school board member who would take away his right to free speech. DH pointed out that I, not he, would be the one on the hot seat in front of a review board.

This was before a joint beach vacation, which we''d already planned. Throughout the vacation it was one gaffe after another -- inviting people we didn''t know to stay at MY house and for whom there wasn''t room, who then had to be uninvited, etc.
I was very upset at the time. I mean, I knew he was this free spirit, but I thought that as my friend, he would listen to me, even if he lacked the common sense to realize that what he was doing was wrong. Now that I have a few years'' distance from it, I could be friends with him again, just not best friends. I could be "hang out sometimes just for fun" friends, not "count on in times of trouble" friends because I could never count on someone again who let me down so monstrously.

 

[diamondfan]

I call some people psychic vampires. They suck you dry and keep going, without any care or concern as to your needs.

I have studied this enough in school regarding personalities disorders to know a couple of things.

1. People can try things, but they succeed when you allow it. Be strong and know that you do not have to enable or participate in this type of relationship. You have rights too. This is NOT about being callous or uncaring. But should you do down the rabbit hole too? People need to help themselves. Whether it is a true mental issue or a personality disorder involving self absorbtion and neediness, you can remove yourself. If you are unavailable, people do eventually get the hint.

2. There are some needy draining people out there. Friendship is about balance. Give and take. Jealousy and spite and pettiness have no place in a true adult friendship. At 24 when I got engaged, the first of my group, I discovered the other three pals of mine (whom I had introduced to one another) were all jealous, talking behind my back. I was focused on the wedding etc blah blah too invested in my fiancee blah blah not spending enough time with them...on and on. Well, no offense, but at the time you are engaged and planning a wedding, I think a wee bit of self focus is allowed. I was ALWAYS there for any of their dramas, and went out with them a lot still. Drew the line when my fiance, who traveled a lot, was home for the two days a week. He was on a case in NY (we lived in L.A.) and was gone almost all week each week. So did I want to bar hop on the weekend with them? NO. But I was willing to go out to dinner or a movie nearly any week night. None of them had a guy in their life. I heard that I was a bitch for not wanting to go out on a Sat night all the time, to a bar, when my guy had just gotten home late Fri night. I mean, really? Needless to say I do not speak to two of the three more than 17 years later. Not a great loss since they were never supportive of me and would rather tear me down than look at why they were inclined to the feelings they were feeling.

3. Some people are scary. I had one friend who was a stalker type. I would change my number and she would worm it out of someone each time. She would harass me no end. After my son was born, she really started to scare me. I truly felt unsafe. I had to tell people NOT to talk about me, my life, etc. I wanted to remove her from my sphere. Moving east really helped but I STILL hear she askes people I knew back in Cali about me and my hubby. They play dumb and say nothing.

The demands, the harrangues, the invasion of appropriate boundaries...these are signs that this is not a good friendshiop, no matter what you wish were the reality. While I feel empathy for someone dealing with demons, if I cannot help them, I certainly surrender myself to their problems either.

 

[hairgirl95]

Date: 2/28/2008 8:29:50 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Hey, just a friendly note to be careful about equating bipolar with toxic. I know of at least one lady who is a regular contributor to this board who has shared with us that she lives with bipolar disorder, and I''m sure we''d all agree she ain''t even a tiny bit toxic, and might take offence to the implication.


I''m sure you didn''t mean to make it an equation, but just so''s we''re all clear that it isn''t.


Sorry about these horrid friends! Definitely dump ''em. I don''t have any friends like that, only my good old Crazy Aunt F.

If I insulted anyone I truly am sorry. I have absolutely no intention making anyone feel uncomfortable or in anyway make someone think that I am equating a bipolar disorder with friend toxicity. To be honest, I have several other friends who are bi-polar and act NOTHING like this crazy toxic friend. While I know she does have underlying mental issues that are untreated (as evidenced by her failure to complete therapy and take her meds) I agree that there is a personality component to this toxic girl as well. If I offended anyone at all, please accept my deepest apologies. Mental illness is a very personal and unique journey, and I applaud every person who feels comfortable enough on here to share their story. I would never in any way want them to feel uncomfortable because of this post. Again--my sincerest apologies if I stepped on anyones toes or hurt anyones feelings. I can promise it was 100% unintentional.

 

[kellyfish]

I have been a mental health clinician for many years. If these people are bipolar--that probably is not the main reason they behave this way. People with toxic personalities usually have personality disorders (cluster B most often)-- Borderlines, etc. They may also have an illness like bipolar, or be an alcoholic, etc, but you don''t have to. That "prickley" "defensive" stuff is pure personality disorder. It takes me about 5 minutes to "feel" one now--you can just feel them & sadly, I try to stay away because as a pp wrote they can be like emotional vampires. They think that everyone else is crazy as their brain is actually wired differently from others--probably due to early life experiences. Sad, actually, but it is what it is. Some mellow in their late 30''s & forties.......

 

[kellyfish]

Hairirl95-- your friend sounds like a classic Borderline Personality Disorder from your description......you may do a search on the topic & see if it fits her in your experience--not to label her, but more to understand her..... Musey--ITA that unhealthy people choose people who will enable them.

 

[monarch64]

Sorry to hear anyone here has had bad experiences re toxic friends...it definitel happens, and when it does, it''s not only stressful, but mind-boggling. I''ve had a similar experience myself which I''ve posted about a few times. When you KNOW a friend does not have your best interests in mind, it''s time to let go, imo. No feeling guilty, no sympathy, just cut it off and move on. I''ve always been the type of friend who remains forever loyal but only in certain circumstances, and if those circumstances don''t fit into mutual needs, then it''s totally time to say goodbye, or just let things die out, as they will eventually anyway.

I got an email tonight from my toxic ex-friend who is pregnant with her first...I almost posted the entire thing here but realized it was pointless...I''ve already grieved enough about the friendship going south in previous posts.

I hope that everyone dealing with these types of friendships gets closure and moves on. It''s tough thing for females to find friends who they mesh with in the first place, but to have someone in your inner circle really mess with you and try to bring you down is just awful. Much better to realize it sooner rather than later and clean house and move on.

 

[Kaleigh]

I dumped a toxic friend when I was 28, she was a friend of mine since third grade. She was never happy for me, always jealous and passive aggressive. I can take a lot but being passive aggressive, UGHHHH. It's hard when you are going through something like this. Ask yourself, are they adding to your life, or taking away from it. Are they happy for you, or are they jealous. Learn this lesson early on, you'll be happier for it!!

 

[hairgirl95]

Kellyfish--I really appreciate your post. I did search bpd on the internet, and while reading the results it almost brought me to tears. It was as if I was reading a profile of my former friend. While I know she has been in and out of therapy and on various medications for her mental issues, I never really knew what she was being treated for. She shunned therapy for the last time about 2.5 years ago when her therapist told her that getting married at that time was not a good idea; the therapist didn''t feel she was stable enough to enter into a marital relationship. She got very angry, went off her meds, and stopped seeing the therapist. She has been in a spiral ever since. I will say this--throughout our relationship, I saw MANY sides of her, and they were always negative. I think I brushed it off a lot of the time as she was "just intense", or she''s just "passionate" about her feelings. I had to take a step back though when I realized that she was so wrapped up in herself that she soon became hellbent on making everyone around her as miserable as she is. So, I feel that yes, bpd was probably what she was being treated for, it really fits her profile. (not to label or self diagnose her. just my opinion.) BUT, while I risk writing this, I truly believe that THIS mental condition (if it is bpd) is a direct cause of her inability to maintain healthy relationships, hence becoming a toxic friend. She has 1 friend--literally--and it is only because this woman is just too nice to stand up to her. In fact, she enables her to be honest. Miss toxic shuts everyone else out with her snarly behavior. She equates sexual relations with love, and has very twisted side to her when it comes to the bedroom. She loves to gamble and had to move AWAY from any casinos here in KC because the temptation was too great. She often makes comments about driving her car into a wall because she is "so fat and ugly and incapable of keeping a man" (her words, not mine) and yet when she has a nice man, she just treats them so terribly bad. Sorry to keep rehashing this, but reading the mayo clinic website about borderline personality disorder really opened my eyes to the daily hell she must be living. Thanks Kellyfish. Your insight was very helpful!!

 

[kellyfish]

You are welcome. It was just a hunch based on your description.....