Transition from twin sister to future husband

[lliang_chi]

Hi everyone,

This might be a very specific topic, but it''s something that''s been on my mind. I''m a twin, and my sister and I are VERY close. I really don''t mean to sound snotty, but the connection that twins have with each other goes BEYOND what many non-twin family relationships. Closer than sisters, brothers, and even parents. I''m stating this because this is kind of where things get bittersweet for me.

My sister is the person I''m the closest to in the entire world. I tell everyone, "I''ve known her longer than ANYONE else in the world." And it''s true. We''ve always been each other''s person. Growing up we were always together, shared our entire lives with each other. We live together now. It''s kinda like growing up with your best, best friend-multiplied by 20.

Last week I just got engaged. And my FI is SO incredible. Really is everything for me. He gets me and everything about me. And we both feel so "right" together. I''m so, so, so excited to start my life with him. You all know *that* feeling, right?

So, what gives? I dunno, I guess I''m having a bit of a crisis knowing I''m leaving my life with sis. I really feel like I''m being torn in two, or I''m losing half of my life. And I know that as my relationship with FI progressed, I knew this was going to happen, but I never really had to face it. I know I''m gaining a husband, but she''s my SISTER, my TWIN SISTER. I''m so happy to start my life with FI, but at the same time so sad to end my life with sis.

This has all come to a head because FI and I were talking about moving in together. But he said he''s not rushing anything and he understands if I want to live with sis, so it''s whenever the two of us feel ready. And sis says the same thing, well, but with FI. I''m really lucky to have both sis and FI.

So I guess my question is to any bride or married person who has a twin (or anyone else), how did you cope with "losing" your twin?

 

[MMM]

i am not a twin, but i have identical twin brothers that are glued at the hip (and they are 21). i have always wondered how someone else could fit into their lives, and so far it hasn''t happened. they''ve each had girlfriends but no one has ever come before the other. it will be interesting to see when/how that happens, which appears to be what you are going through right now.

my only advise i have to give is to read The Conscious Bride. I bought it used on amazon.com for like $3 after reading recommendations for it here on Pricescope. The book has absolutely nothing to do with twins specifically but it talks a lot about separating from family and the changing of status and priority, etc. it was an easy read, and i thought it was very helpful. its just not something we talk about much in our culture. especially being a young bride i always feel like nobody thinks i should have any issues with merging my life with my fiances, since we are young and unestablished, but it can still be scary.

okay that was a long post just to give you a book recommendation! sorry thats all i have to offer!!

oh, and congratulations! : )

 

[mimzy]

Date: 4/3/2008 2:10:08 AM
Author: MMM
i am not a twin, but i have identical twin brothers that are glued at the hip (and they are 21). i have always wondered how someone else could fit into their lives, and so far it hasn''t happened. they''ve each had girlfriends but no one has ever come before the other. it will be interesting to see when/how that happens, which appears to be what you are going through right now.


my only advise i have to give is to read The Conscious Bride. I bought it used on amazon.com for like $3 after reading recommendations for it here on Pricescope. The book has absolutely nothing to do with twins specifically but it talks a lot about separating from family and the changing of status and priority, etc. it was an easy read, and i thought it was very helpful. its just not something we talk about much in our culture. especially being a young bride i always feel like nobody thinks i should have any issues with merging my life with my fiances, since we are young and unestablished, but it can still be scary.


okay that was a long post just to give you a book recommendation! sorry thats all i have to offer!!


oh, and congratulations! : )

i was going to say the exact same thing about the book. and at the very least, it''s good that you''re acknowledging the changes that are going to happen once you get married, and it is sooo much better to accept and address them now than during the wedding and/or right afterwards, because you will eventually. just continue to be honest with each other and open about how you are feeling. Maybe make a promise that you will still talk once a day or something like that, so that your future relationship with each other isn''t completely unknown (which i''m sure is what is really scary). it would be best to discuss it and set a precedent now and figure out exactly how things will change (as much as you can) instead of expecting things to magically work themselves out. best of luck!

 

[lliang_chi]

Mmm & Mimzy, thanks for your thoughts. I''ll check out the book. Like I said, the worst part of this is how things are going to change with sis. I really am looking forward to a life with my FI.

I personally feel that the key with dating someone who has a twin is to realize that you will never be the ONLY most important person to your S.O. That''s not an easy thing for some people to accept. Mine & my sis''s first relationships had that problem.

 

[Courtneylub]

I''m not a twin, but I''ve always wanted to be! I grew up with twin cousins and now I have 2 sets of twins that are my close close friends. My cousins were joined at the hip and spoke each other''s private languages. When they were 18, one twin moved completely across the country to marry her high school sweetheart. It''s been really hard on them, but they talk EVERY single day and visit whenever they can. Of course they wish they could be closer, but you when you start your own family, they come first. They both have children now and that''s the priority. I''ve always been jealous of their bond, since I grew up as an only child. I was always the "triplet" growing up with them. You and your twin will stay close forever and you don''t really have a choice in the matter!

 

[sumbride]

Anchor is a twin and had a lot of issues from her sister, so hopefully she will see this. It wasn''t quite the same situation though.

I definitely recommend reading the Conscious Bride and know that your feelings are valid and real, but that you can work through them. Engagement is wonderful but can also be a very difficult time and that''s something that people don''t often like to talk about because they feel alone. I just want to say that you aren''t alone and that it''s ok to be sad about aspects of it, but that you can work toward a happy outcome for both you and your twin. And your husband! You and your sister will always be close, but it may very well be different. Good luck to you!

 

[Mrs in CA]

congrats on your engagement!

I'm a twin and I lived with my twin before I moved in with my then boyfriend (now DH). My twin and I lost a parent when we were young so we, and my other parent, are VERY close because of having gone through that together. Deciding to move was hard because I was leaving a really safe warm living situation for one that I THOUGHT would be great but just didn't know... My move away from them was difficult and I really struggled with the dicision but in the end I realized that someday I would have to move away if I ever wanted a family of my own. In the end, I'm very glad I made that leap of faith. As soon as I embraced the adventure of it, I felt a lot better. Especialy because I knew that I could always move back if I needed to. I think the trick is to stop thinking about "losing" your twin and focus more on the excitement of moving in with your other best friend and future husband. Talk to your twin about your fears and let her know how important it is to you that you two continue to have a close relationship. Perhaps make plans to have a standing day/evening to get together after you move so that you two continue to see one another regularly. She will ALWAYS be your twin and you aren't losing that. I hope this helps!

ETA: keep in mind that this transition will likely be more difficult for your twin than it will be for you. It's hard to be accepting of your twin's significant other because (if you're anything like we are) you never feel that that SO is "good enough" for your twin. It sounds like she's being realy great about your eventual move so you should thank her for that.

 

[ladypirate]

My sisters are identical twins (21) who are also incredibly close--actually, right now they are each studying abroad in a different location and it''s the first time they''ve ever lived apart for a significant amount of time (and they still visit each other at least once a month).

I''ve often wondered how they''ll adapt once they get into serious relationships--they''ve had ones that have lasted a couple of years, but I''m pretty sure marriage never came up. I''m sure they''ll be happy for each other, but they love each other so much that I''m sure it won''t be an easy transition.

Are you and your FI planning on moving away or staying in the same town? If you''re in town, maybe it''ll be a little bit easier of a transition because you''ll still get to see each other a lot. I wish I knew what to tell you--more just wanted to offer my sympathies.

*Hugs*

 

[lliang_chi]

Courtney, SumBride & LadyP, thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

Mrs in CA, it's really great to hear you weigh in. Yes, I do feel very fortunate to have both my FI and my sis. And they're both very supportive. It's hard for me to not think of it as "losing" my sister because she's so much a part of me. But you're right, it's all about perspective. It's funny, I'm normally a "glass half full" kind of person, but I guess this is so close to my heart, it kind of turned my thinking around.

I have talked to my sister and my FI about it. They're both very supportive. FI says to take as much time as sis and I need, he said it's not his place to push us apart. I guess my hardest part would be to ask my sister to move out. We share my condo now, and I really can't bring myself to ask her to leave. She has offered to move out on her own without me having to ask. (Of course, it causes a knee-jerk "NO!!" reaction. Silly me, I know.) Sis says she'll still stay close (in the same neighborhood), so we could still get together often.

 

[applequeen]

Just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through. I have an identical twin and I went through similar feelings when I was planning my wedding (I just celebrated my one year anniversary). To be honest I was terrified at telling my sister that I was getting married. I guess it's because we've shared all our major life milestones together for 30 years except for the marriage thing. My sister is very independent (I'm not sure she will ever get married) so it's not as if she even really understood my need for it. To be honest we don't share the level of obvious closeness a lot of twins do... we never dressed alike, we had seperate interests and friends, etc. We have always been competitive and fought a lot... I think because the world (we grew up in a very rural small town) tried to make us be the same and we always knew we were different (hello... we're not bookends or a pair of shoes... we're two seperate human beings)... anyway I'll get off my soapbox and back to the subject at hand. My sister and I are actually the closest now that we've ever been... our relationship changed a lot after college when she went to one school for grad school and I went to another one for grad school. I guess it's because we could finally just be ourselves without the influence of the other. With all this said however we're extremely close (and always have been) in a way that's very hard to describe. We're very protective of each other.

I was terrified to tell her that I was planning to get engaged... I waited as long as I could. She's never really liked anyone that I dated but I knew she liked my now husband which helped a lot (and verified I'd probably made a good choice). I love seeing my sister and husband interact with each other... they get along great. I think I felt guilty somehow that I was moving on to a different stage of my life and she wasnt. It didn't really matter that I know that marriage isn't one of her priorities right now. I spent most of my engagement trying to make sure she (not I) was happy with everything. I even changed my wedding date to accomodate a trip I knew she wanted to take. We have a very small family (only one cousin who is a year younger... we grew up together) who got married a few months before me so there was that to deal with too. I felt extra bad knowing that my sister would be the only one of the three of us left behind... and as her twin (the way I've always done) I felt like I needed to somehow fix it for her... she would have done the same for me.

So I'm not sure I have any advice... I wish I did. I think it's just a fact of life. It's along the lines of what a lot of brides go through as far as adjusting to their new identity as a wife and the changes that are part of that but I think the twin element adds something to it that is hard to explain if you're not a twin. It's like your whole life you're with this person who is the closest relationship you have (even if it's not so obvious as in my case) and then suddenly you're supposed to switch that and replace your twin with your husband...I know that sounds strange but it's the best I can come up with. At any rate... I think the feelings of guilt and dread are normal...at least I hope they are because I certainly felt them.

On the positive side look at it this way... twins spend their whole lives (before birth even) learning to share and about give and take and about working as a team...what better training could you get for marriage than that?

A funny "twin story" from my wedding... several of my guests (co workers and such) had never seen my sister until my wedding. She was my only attendant so we walked out to the same song... when she first walked out several people have now admitted to thinking "is that applequeen in a black dress"... guess they figured it out pretty quickly but we look so much alike I guess it was surprising for them to actually see her.

From someone who has gone through this and is a year away from the situation I can tell you that it will be ok. Things do change and it's a little weird but I've been surprised at how much hasn't changed. Things are the same between me and my sister... she's happy for me and I'm happy for her (she had a good year... new job, new location, etc. which I think helped her feel that her life was moving forward too but in a different way).

 

[lliang_chi]

Wow, you ladies are GREAT! I was first hesitant to post about this because I thought I''d get a lot of "You can''t hold onto your old life! Grow up! Blah blah blah" responses. But you all really understand what I''m going through.

Mrs in CA and AppleQueen, it really means a lot to me to hear your stories/advice. Like everyone here says, twins share a very special connection. It''s nice to know the world doesn''t fall apart, even though that''s kinda how I feel sometimes. I know it won''t but, y''know, feelings sometimes are irrational.

AppleQueen, that''s SUCH a funny twin story. I randomly have my sister''s coworkers (who don''t know me) come up to me and start talking/asking me questions. One person felt really stupid, but I was like "That''s okay, we''re twins." He still felt a little awkward, but it became more funny than anything else.

 

[Fancy605]

My DH is a twin. He and his brother have the sort of relationship you talk about. When we were still dating (several years ago), his twin moved away to another state to pursue seminary. Well, it was probably one of the hardest things my husband has ever been through. It was very sad for him dealing with the move (It''s a 13 hour car ride to see each other) It made me sad to see him so unhappy, but he got through it and adjusted even more quickly than I expected. They talk on the phone a good bit and are able to see each other several times a year. We are actually thinking that we will all be in the same state again within a few years. He and I and his twin and his wife are very much looking forward to that.

Anyway, they still have the same "twin thing" going on. It''s just under different circumstances. I think you will be sad at first, but over time you will settle into a new routine and find a balance of being an awesome wife and a beloved sister. I think once you get used to everything, your time with her will be even more awesome because you will value and appreciate it even more so than you do now (if that''s possible)

 

[neatfreak]

If I remember correctly Thing2of2 is also a twin...so someone might want to page her over here if you see her in another thread!!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 4/3/2008 9:41:04 PM
Author: neatfreak
If I remember correctly Thing2of2 is also a twin...so someone might want to page her over here if you see her in another thread!!

I''m here, I''m here!

Good memory, neatfreak!

I have a fraternal twin sister, and I totally agree with you that no one can understand what a close relationship twins have. We are very, very close, definitely best friends. We haven''t lived together in years, so my situation is a little different from yours, though. (We didn''t live together in the dorms our freshman year of college, but then we lived together in a house our sophomore year, and it was a disaster because we fought so much!)

I had never been apart from her for any extended period of time until she did a summer study abroad program in Spain. I visited her there, but it was very hard for me. (It was less hard for her because she was in Spain having an amazing time!)

However, I think it was good for us to have that time apart. She later did Americorps and was away for around 11 months, which was easier because of our first separation, and it resulted in us having a healthier relationship. I think it was good for both of us to establish separate identities.

It seems like your fiance and sister are both very supportive, so I think you just need to start adjusting mentally to the idea of living apart from your twin sister. It sounds like you''re just realizing all that getting married entails, which is definitely a little scary.

Honestly, it might be a good idea for you to move in with your fiance before you get married so it''s not a huge, huge adjustment. If you wait to move in together until you''re actually married it might be too many changes at once, you know? And you could make sure to stay in the same area as your sister so you two could still see each other often.

I guess I don''t have any great ideas, except to say that I understand where you''re coming from even though I didn''t live with my twin sister when I got engaged!

 

[anchor31]

Hey there! As sumbride has said, I''m a twin, so I definitely can relate. There is a closeness I have with my sister that I will never have with anyone, even my husband. When we were children, my sister and I had a codependant relationship in which she was the "big sister", the protector (we were born at 30 weeks and I have a disability; she always felt responsible for it and for me). We went to different colleges and it was hard at first, but we''d been conscious of the fact that we''d have to live separate lives for a while already, so it wasn''t too much of a shock. I experienced the same anxieties you are going through right now and I expected it to be more difficult. But it wasn''t, so I hope that gives you comfort!

My getting married was a different story though. It was very difficult for her to accept it. She was very worried about me, and because she isn''t ready to get married just yet, she couldn''t understand how I could be. I want a quiet family life and it''s not at all the kind of life she envisions for herself, so she couldn''t understand it. She was terrified I would be unhappy and that it would somehow be her fault. Despite the fact that she always hated that people assumed we were the same, she did have a hard time dissociating my life with hers, my dreams with hers. She fought my project tooth and nail, and I was devastated.

She left for Australia on a student exchange last July. The last 9 months have been a strange but liberating experience for both of us, and especially her. She''s really come a long way, she''s called me three times to talk about the wedding and has even asked me if it was okay if she cried during the wedding (

). Even though she''s so far away, we''ve been closer during all this time than we were before she left. She''s coming back this July, one month before the wedding, and I can''t wait to see her.

You say that your sister is supportive, so I''m glad to know you won''t have to go through all this drama. I don''t know your sister, but if she does have some more difficult moments, tell her that even though your husband will be the most important for then on, she will still be important to you and you will always love her. You won''t always need her, but she''ll always be your closest friend. She''s your twin, and you and I know that nothing can change the bond that we have with our sisters.

From my experience, the "separation" is difficult but it gets easier quickly. You get busy with your life and you realize that it''s not so bad, because even though you don''t see her as much, you always know she''s there.

I hope this helps!

 

[lliang_chi]

Thanks ladies I really appreciate your answers. And Fancy, it''s refreshing to hear about a twin groom. I just wanted to say this is helping a lot and I really appreciate. I''m trying to think positively. I lapse sometimes into the negative thinking and it does make me sad. But you all help a lot and I really really appreciate it. I don''t know any other twins, so I couldn''t get any other opinions/stories. I''m glad I found PS, especially now. You all are the best.

My sister is away on travel for work now. I actually haven''t seen her since I''ve gotten engaged.

Thing2, you''re right, maybe it will be a good idea for FI & I to move in together so I''m not sad during the beginning of my marriage. We''ll have to figure that out, but I don''t want to do it without sis. I''ll wait until she gets back home. BTW, is the name from the Dr. Suess Thing1 & Thing 2?

Anchor, I read a bit of your prior posts. I''m really glad your relationship is getting back to it''s old self. Sister and I went through a VERY difficult period during our first boyfriends, much like what you''re talking about. It''s good to see you guys are recovering your relationship (not rebuilding, because honestly you can''t tear that down, just cover it up). I''m sure you guys are going to be alright, and I''m really happy for you.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 4/4/2008 11:10:07 AM
Author: lliang_chi
Thanks ladies I really appreciate your answers. And Fancy, it''s refreshing to hear about a twin groom. I just wanted to say this is helping a lot and I really appreciate. I''m trying to think positively. I lapse sometimes into the negative thinking and it does make me sad. But you all help a lot and I really really appreciate it. I don''t know any other twins, so I couldn''t get any other opinions/stories. I''m glad I found PS, especially now. You all are the best.


My sister is away on travel for work now. I actually haven''t seen her since I''ve gotten engaged.

Thing2, you''re right, maybe it will be a good idea for FI & I to move in together so I''m not sad during the beginning of my marriage. We''ll have to figure that out, but I don''t want to do it without sis. I''ll wait until she gets back home. BTW, is the name from the Dr. Suess Thing1 & Thing 2?


Anchor, I read a bit of your prior posts. I''m really glad your relationship is getting back to it''s old self. Sister and I went through a VERY difficult period during our first boyfriends, much like what you''re talking about. It''s good to see you guys are recovering your relationship (not rebuilding, because honestly you can''t tear that down, just cover it up). I''m sure you guys are going to be alright, and I''m really happy for you.

Sorry, I missed this before! My name is from Dr. Suess! My mom would call me and my sister Thing 1 and 2, so we both use it for screen names and such. (She''s Thing 1 because she was born first!)

 

[anchor31]

Date: 4/4/2008 11:10:07 AM
Author: lliang_chi
Thanks ladies I really appreciate your answers. And Fancy, it''s refreshing to hear about a twin groom. I just wanted to say this is helping a lot and I really appreciate. I''m trying to think positively. I lapse sometimes into the negative thinking and it does make me sad. But you all help a lot and I really really appreciate it. I don''t know any other twins, so I couldn''t get any other opinions/stories. I''m glad I found PS, especially now. You all are the best.

My sister is away on travel for work now. I actually haven''t seen her since I''ve gotten engaged.

Thing2, you''re right, maybe it will be a good idea for FI & I to move in together so I''m not sad during the beginning of my marriage. We''ll have to figure that out, but I don''t want to do it without sis. I''ll wait until she gets back home. BTW, is the name from the Dr. Suess Thing1 & Thing 2?

Anchor, I read a bit of your prior posts. I''m really glad your relationship is getting back to it''s old self. Sister and I went through a VERY difficult period during our first boyfriends, much like what you''re talking about. It''s good to see you guys are recovering your relationship (not rebuilding, because honestly you can''t tear that down, just cover it up). I''m sure you guys are going to be alright, and I''m really happy for you.

Thank you for your kind words! I''m touched.

Good luck with your wedding planning and your transition.

 

[lliang_chi]

Thing2, that''s pretty funny. I can only guess you guys used to get into a lot of mischief as kids. My mom says my sister and I were TERRORS. We have a brother a yr older than we are, and she said she would''ve gone crazy if he wasn''t there (catching/stopping us from doing something or another).

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 4/6/2008 11:30:04 PM
Author: lliang_chi
Thing2, that''s pretty funny. I can only guess you guys used to get into a lot of mischief as kids. My mom says my sister and I were TERRORS. We have a brother a yr older than we are, and she said she would''ve gone crazy if he wasn''t there (catching/stopping us from doing something or another).

Hahaha-we got into tons of mischief as well, which is definitely the main reason for Thing 1 and 2! I have 3 older siblings, and my oldest sister was 10 when we were born, so she helped my mom a lot, too. She actually helped my mom so much that my twin sister and I used to call my older sister and my mom "Mom"!

Twins are the best!

P.S. Are you identical twins or fraternal twins?

 

[lliang_chi]

We''re fraternal twins. We still look a LOT alike, but when people stare at us long enough you can tell the difference. Of course it gets annoying when you first meet someone and you say you''re twins and they proceed to stare at you for like 5-10 mins. Then are like "Oh I can tell the difference between you." Yeah, or you could just ask who''s who... They still end up mixing us up anyway. It''s just the staring thing that bothers me, sorta feel like a bug in a jar.