Tried to figure things out but still confused...

[anchor31]

Hello everyone! It's me again!

I spent the last weekend at my boyfriend's and we talked a bit about engagement and marriage. I was trying to figure out if he had a timeframe or something, since he told me a couple of weeks ago that he's thinking about proposing to me, which I know doesn't mean he has plans. The conversation went more or less like this and is translated from French.

Between parentheses are my thoughts and comments.

Me: J (my boyfriend), you know what you said you told E (his ex) the other day, about proposing to me... Is it true?

J: Well... I am thinking about it. (I know that, but I want to know what it means!!!

)

Me: All right. It's just that sometimes you say and do things that make me wonder when you're going to do it and then you say something else that gives me the impression you're going to make me wait six years, and I'd like to know where I stand in all this.

J: Six years? No, I'm not going to make you wait six years. (Does that mean you're going to make me wait five??)

Me: Oh, good.

J: But, you know, I'll have to pick a month and then get a ring for you, and I'll need to check my budget for that and I'll have to find something that suits you...

Me: We can go ring shopping for that. I could try some on and we could get my size. (Yay! Ring shopping! Please??)

J: Yeah. And then I'll have to get on one knee and ask you and you'll either say "Yes please!" or "Well no, not really..."

Me: Of course I'm going to say "Yes"! (Will you stop making excuses!!)

J: Well, if you don't know that by four years...

Me: Fours years?? (Note: We've been together for a little over two years, so I was confused as to why he said four, but later I realized he probably meant that he was considering proposing after four years together...)

J: Erm... Well, three years? I love you and I do want to marry you, I just want to wait a little bit.

Me: I know. I love you too. For a lot of us women, marriage is a little girl's dream, so it's normal we're looking forward to it so much. (Please don't be mad at me, I just want you to understand how important this is for me and that I'm not going to wait forever for it)

J: I understand. I'm not mad at you. (*relieved sigh*)

Me: Thanks. And I am looking forward to "a little bit".

(For once, let boy-soon be girl-soon!!!)

J: I bet you are.

I understand his hesitancy may be due to the male "getting his ducks in a row before getting engaged" complex, since he needs to finish paying his car and needs to find a new apartment next summer. I refused to move in with him unless we were at least engaged, so his finances will be tighter.

ETA: I also did a very baaad thing and put a picture of the ring I would love to have (see my avatar) in his pictures folder on his computer that has his pictures of me. I'm pretty sure he saw it because he made himself a CD of pictures to develop, but I've had no reactions as of yet. Oh dear...

I'm not sure what to make of all this... I need some perspective! Thoughts? Comments?

 

[appletini]

He sounds like a typical guy. He probably wants to have all his ducks in a row. While he may not want to be a bachelor for life, he probably isn''t super ready to get married either. As much as guys like the though of it...thinking and doing are two completely different things.

Perhaps when y''all go ring shopping and find a ring you both like he''ll be more excited (not that he isn''t), plus that way he''ll know what to expect in terms of his budget and fiances, and perhaps give you a more definite time line.

Good luck! My fingers are crossed for girl-soon.

 

[caligal]

I think you are in a great place to talk about this! If you don''t mind my asking- how old are you and how long have you been together? While both details don''t give you exact info on the situation, it does give us more background. Boys do need to "get their ducks in a row," as they don''t juggle as well as us ladies. They are quite linear in their thinking and they have a checklist of what they want to accomplish before certain things happen in their lives. We as women on the other hand look at growing these things together- and often think just with our hearts. These are generalizations- but often at least somewhat true!

I would say see how it goes looking a rings- in magazines or online (I think less intimidating for the guy)- and then bring up a timeline when the time is right. See when he was thinking of making this step, where you are, and negotiate if you need to. I think you approached the subject well- remember everyone here can help and be GREAT listeners!!

 

[anchor31]

My boyfriend and I are both in our twenties and have been together for two years and two months.

I understand the differences between girl-mindset and boy-mindset and I think the generalizations are rather true, I just wish I could get a timeframe so I don''t drive myself crazy...

Appletini said: "Perhaps when y''all go ring shopping and find a ring you both like he''ll be more excited (not that he isn''t), plus that way he''ll know what to expect in terms of his budget and fiances, and perhaps give you a more definite time line."

Caligal said: "I would say see how it goes looking a rings- in magazines or online (I think less intimidating for the guy)- and then bring up a timeline when the time is right."

I agree, but he didn''t say he was going to bring me ring shopping. Is this still all talk and no action, like it''s been for almost a year? He''s been saying/doing things that made me think he was going to do it since last Christmas Break! I''m probably worrying for nothing, but I''m really getting antsy and feeling like: "Stop talking about it and just do it already!!"

I need a way to take my mind off this... I probably have quite a while to wait yet!

 

[appletini]

I first went ring shopping with my BF last new year''s eve, after he''d been talking about stuff for a good 9+ months. Then we went and looked again about two months ago, and we are just now getting close to something happening. I have even tried suggesting options that were less money so I wouldn''t have to wait. He has his own plan and will do things when *he* is ready to them. He also wants to be proud of the ring he puts on my finger.

So all I can say is practice being patient, but that doesn''t mean don''t talk about things at all. It definitely helps for peace of mind to know that he is thinking about a future.

 

[caligal]

You might have a while to wait- so if you want to take your mind off it for a while do something fun just for you! Do you have any hobbies? Like to work out? Get lost in a good book? Night with the gals? Just some ideas of what I do when I start to wonder, worry, obsess- etc!

 

[lovelylulu]

Can I ask a question -- why is he talking about getting engaged to you with his ex-girlfriend? isn''t that sort of strange. i don''t mean to offend and might not understand...

 

[anchor31]

appletini - I''m glad to know I''m not the only one who has to go through that sort of thing. Men are weird. Doesn''t it drive them crazy? Apparently not. I''m the kind of girl who usually prefers to be in control of every aspect of her life and to know where she''s going, so having someone else in the driver''s seat for something as important in my life as marriage is... unnerving. But I do aknowledge that I''m lucky that he is thinking about a future. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and raise a family with me, and that''s wonderful. I''m really looking forward to that, and I can''t stop that little voice in my head that says: "So what''s stopping you?"

caligal - Thanks for the tips. I just wish my yoga class hadn''t been already full when I called... I miss it. A new good book is a great idea, and I''ll try to find fun activities to do with my boyfriend so we can just have fun and I can take my mind off this for a while.

lovelylulu - He recently ran into his ex girlfriend, whom he hadn''t seen since we were seing each other prior to dating and refused to go back to because he had met me. They talked a little and he told her about me and said he was thinking about proposing to me. The morning after, he told me about running into her and told me what he''d said to her. I don''t find it particularly strange, because he was telling her about his situation (long-term relationship and possible marriage) and he''s always been a very honest and straightforward kind of guy. Don''t worry, I''m not offended... Does that make more sense?

 

[goldengirl]

Anchor, here are my thoughts:

Date: 10/26/2005 11:09:12 AM
Author:anchor31

J: Well, if you don't know that by four years...

Me: Fours years?? (Note: We've been together for a little over two years, so I was confused as to why he said four, but later I realized he probably meant that he was considering proposing after four years together...)

J: Erm... Well, three years? I love you and I do want to marry you, I just want to wait a little bit.

It doesn't sound like he's really quite "there" yet. Obviously he knows he's going to propose to you, but it sounds like one of those things you do sometime, not one of those things you do now. I'm sorry, hun, I know that's not what you want to hear. That's just what I see.

Do you think there is the possibility that he is trying to throw you off his time frame?

ETA: This is my 1,000th post!!

 

[anchor31]

Goldengirl said: "It doesn''t sound like he''s really quite "there" yet. Obviously he knows he''s going to propose to you, but it sounds like one of those things you do sometime, not one of those things you do now. I''m sorry, hun, I know that''s not what you want to hear. That''s just what I see."

Don''t feel bad... That''s what it looks like to me too. I understand he has "stuff to do before" and all that, I just wish he hadn''t started to do/say things that scream "I''m going to propose soon!" since last December. He obviously doesn''t have definitive plans for "girl-soon", so why does he do/say those things? I guess they don''t see it the same way and doesn''t realize what it does to us...

Goldengirl said: "Do you think there is the possibility that he is trying to throw you off his time frame?"

Nah, don''t think so. As you said, it''s probably something he''s thinking about, but something to do sometime, and not now. I think I''m just going to drop it for now until sometime after Christmas and see what he says/does.

A question: If he looks at rings in front of me again or says something like what he told me a couple of weeks ago ("I''m thinking about proposing to you") again, would it be a good idea to ask him what his intentions are precisely? Is there a better/nicer way to ask this?

 

[appletini]

Anchor...I think we should start a chapter of Control Freaks Anonymous. My BF and I are both control freaks, which is great most of the time, except in this case. My BF is a classic case of the boy who cried wolf. He gets me all excited and then nothing happens. At least we are not alone.

 

[anchor31]

Control Freaks Anonymous, huh? That''s brilliant! I think that''s what happening with us too... We''re both control freaks and, as your boyfriend does, he gets me all excited and then nothing happens. Gah.

At least I have some comfort in knowing I can come here to vent, and you''ll listen and give good tips.

 

[appletini]

This forum has kept me sane. My friends got tired of the whining long ago (and don''t have BFs or aren''t at that point yet with their BFs, so they don''t understand). It definitely helps that I''m not the only one. Although PMS does make things much worse...at least that is only temporary.

 

[lovelylulu]

anchor: a random run-in makes perfect sense for a catch-up conversation!

waiting is tough, but at least you are comfortable and open enough to talk about where you two stand. that is sooo important

 

[anchor31]

I didn''t have anyone to whine to about this either. Two friends told me to "just wait, it''ll come soon enough", and my sister thinks I''m obsessing.

I found a couple of boards that I won''t name where the LIWs are bitter and judgmental, so that isn''t much more better. I''m really glad I found PS, because I can vent and get some advice and people are nice, friendly and respectful.

I realize how lucky I am to be able to talk about all this openly with my boyfriend, but that doesn''t stop me from getting frustrated when it starts feeling like all words and no action...

Would it be a good idea to ask him point blank what his intentions are the next time he says/does something such as looking at rings or telling me about wanting to propose or marry? Or would it be a good idea to drop the subject entirely for the next six months or so and see what he does? I''d really like to know what you think.

 

[lovelylulu]

I don''t know if the point blank approach is the best way -- you don''t want to make it feel like an "attack" in anyway --BUT if he is bringing up the subject it makes so much sense to talk about it and get a better idea of what his time frame looks like...he could definately warm up to the idea after giving it some serious thought

 

[caligal]

Yes! I think you can tell him in a couple of ways like: "What do you exactly mean by saying you are thinking about proposing?" Or if it is making you more nervous and anxious say- "I''m sure your intentions are to let me know you are serious about our relationship and moving to that next step. But by saying you are thinking about it- you are making me anxious and bringing up all sorts of questions in my head. So unless we are moving on this soon- keep thinking, just don''t tell me." Say it sweet- jokingly, and smile at the end. Those words may not work for you- so do what you think is best, but yes I''d bring it up- and think about what you are going to say before you do. That way you don''t come off really nervous, pissed, or both!

 

[anchor31]

Thanks, those are very good ideas. I''ll give it some thought, and I''ll update when something happens.

 

[anchor31]

I just had a thought and wanted to know if it makes sense... When he said:

J: Well, if you don''t know that by four years...

Do you think he was actually giving me his timeframe?? As in "I''m going to propose by/on our fourth anniversary" or "sometime in our fourth year together"??
But that''s so far away! Why would a man start hinting so much two and a half years before he''s actually going to do it??

Thoughts please!

 

[goldengirl]

Sadly, yes, I do think he was giving you his "timeframe"... I mean, he even "negotiated" with you:

Author: anchor31
J: Well, if you don''t know that by four years...

Me: Fours years??

J: Erm... Well, three years? I love you and I do want to marry you, I just want to wait a little bit.

Although this is vague and ambiguous to us, I bet he thinks he was being crystal-clear.

And I don''t know why they do this... mine did it, too!

 

[anchor31]

Thanks, goldengirl. This may sound a little strange, but it actually makes me feel better. If he does propose by three years, that means it''ll be in around ten months! It''s such a relief.

I know it might not be in ten months, but a little hope can''t hurt, and I can let this go until then. All this wondering and obsessing has been driving me crazy.