Haven
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Feb 15, 2007
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Vicious Slayings Rock Otherwise Quaint Suburban Hamlet
October 13, 2009
Suburbia, Illinois
An otherwise uneventful, and one might even say boring, suburb is still reeling from the vicious, unprovoked slayings of five fall woodcreatures early Tuesday afternoon.
Suburbia homeowner Lori Haven was the first to discover the gruesome scene when she arrived home after teaching a class of disinterested students at the local community college. “It was horrible,” Haven gasped, “there were disembodied heads and limbs flung about all over the house. I didn’t know what to do, so I curled up with a cup of hot cider and wept.” It remains unclear whether Haven plans to make another long trip out to bumble**** in order to replace the woodcreatures this season, as the country nature of such décor makes them a rare find for the Suburbia area.
Friends say this isn’t the first time the Havens have come home to a crime scene. Just last month they walked into their mid-century modern ranch to find a clear attack on some of literature’s most prized authors had been launched right in their living room. “It was obvious that the murderer had a thing against Rand, Eugenides, and Faulkner. The spine of the latest edition of Middlesex had been so violently torn apart that it was nearly uncrecognizable,” friend and fellow book-hater herself, A. Literate, offered.
The prime suspect in these seasonal and literary slayings is two-year-old bulldog mix Bailee, who joined the family just last summer. Though she is usually a “sweet little cuddlebug who just wants to be loved,” it is clear that Bailee suffers from a pathological hatred for seasonal décor and damn good writing.
Yet to be determined is whether any of the Haven felines played an accomplice role in this particular massacre. Local police plan to launch an investigation into the apparent growing friendship between canine Bailee and feline Vince “House Manager” Haven, who, if involved, would clearly serve as the brains behind the operation.
No charges have been filed, though Lori Haven stated that they intend to suspend Bailee’s Kong toy privileges for a minimum of two weeks, and they just might kick her out of their bed tonight.
Photo Captions:
Far Left: Suspected accomplice, feline Vince “House Manager” Haven sits, undisturbed, amongst the disembodied woodcreature remains.
Middle: “At least they died happy,” homeowner Lori Haven stated on Tuesday, referring to the smiles plastered on the beheaded woodcreatures’ faces.
Far Right: Footless, the poor woodcreatures had no chance of escape.
October 13, 2009
Suburbia, Illinois
An otherwise uneventful, and one might even say boring, suburb is still reeling from the vicious, unprovoked slayings of five fall woodcreatures early Tuesday afternoon.
Suburbia homeowner Lori Haven was the first to discover the gruesome scene when she arrived home after teaching a class of disinterested students at the local community college. “It was horrible,” Haven gasped, “there were disembodied heads and limbs flung about all over the house. I didn’t know what to do, so I curled up with a cup of hot cider and wept.” It remains unclear whether Haven plans to make another long trip out to bumble**** in order to replace the woodcreatures this season, as the country nature of such décor makes them a rare find for the Suburbia area.
Friends say this isn’t the first time the Havens have come home to a crime scene. Just last month they walked into their mid-century modern ranch to find a clear attack on some of literature’s most prized authors had been launched right in their living room. “It was obvious that the murderer had a thing against Rand, Eugenides, and Faulkner. The spine of the latest edition of Middlesex had been so violently torn apart that it was nearly uncrecognizable,” friend and fellow book-hater herself, A. Literate, offered.
The prime suspect in these seasonal and literary slayings is two-year-old bulldog mix Bailee, who joined the family just last summer. Though she is usually a “sweet little cuddlebug who just wants to be loved,” it is clear that Bailee suffers from a pathological hatred for seasonal décor and damn good writing.
Yet to be determined is whether any of the Haven felines played an accomplice role in this particular massacre. Local police plan to launch an investigation into the apparent growing friendship between canine Bailee and feline Vince “House Manager” Haven, who, if involved, would clearly serve as the brains behind the operation.
No charges have been filed, though Lori Haven stated that they intend to suspend Bailee’s Kong toy privileges for a minimum of two weeks, and they just might kick her out of their bed tonight.
Photo Captions:
Far Left: Suspected accomplice, feline Vince “House Manager” Haven sits, undisturbed, amongst the disembodied woodcreature remains.
Middle: “At least they died happy,” homeowner Lori Haven stated on Tuesday, referring to the smiles plastered on the beheaded woodcreatures’ faces.
Far Right: Footless, the poor woodcreatures had no chance of escape.
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