Trying not to be bitter...

[Treasure43]

Ok here''s the situation. My future in laws booked a vacation house for themselves, my future sister in law and her husband and my fiance. When they found out we weren''t able to come for the whole week because of obligations they got all upset and said if we didn''t go, no one was going. Which, needless to say put us in a VERY akaward spot. They finally accepted that we could only be here for four days and we''re here now. The problem is I''m feeling pressured into this and not comfortable. I feel kind of manipulated into it. It''s nice of them to offer to take us on vacation but I don''t like feeling obligated to go on a freaking vacation. To me that takes some of the fun out of it.

I guess I thought I''d feel more a part of the family and I kinda don''t. Maybe I''m expecting too much to soon. Everyone is very nice but I feel like because we''re engaged and not married there''s this seperation. I don''t think it helps that we''re required to sleep in seperate rooms despite the fact that we live together and have for over a year now. I don''t know. I think I''m just venting and feeling sorry for myself. I know he really wanted to come on this vacation and so I didn''t really let him know how much I really wasn''t looking forward to going. I''m trying to put my best face forward and stop feeling sorry or myself but I"m sitting here in my room crying and it''s no fun.

 

[breezy]

I have not had to deal with a situation like yours.........but, I would have made a big deal out of the separate bedrooms since you live together. I don''t think they were being respectful of your relationship to arrange this vacation and then insist you not sleep together. Maybe your FI should have stepped up on that one. I''m sorry you''re down tonight......things will look better in the morning.

 

[Treasure43]

breezy, thanks for your comments I know things will look better in the morning. I just feel out of place and like our relationship isn''t being valiadated. I know that''s not how they want us to feel but nevertheless that''s how I feel. Feeling uncomfortable on what is supposed to be a vacation sucks and I just wish there was a solution to the problem. I know FI has talked to them and they still insisted on us sleeping in seperate rooms. Really I feel like a child and I guess I hate that feeling. It''s not like we would EVER EVER EVER EVER do anything with them in the house or in their house (or a house they rented). We''ve made the committment to get married, we live together, so what is the big deal?

 

[Dannielle]

Did you know that they wanted you to sleep in different rooms before you arrived at the vacation house? Considering you have lived together for over a year I think that is ridiculous!

 

[kama_s]

I see where you''re coming from, but sometimes you''ve just got to suck it up for family. I think you should try and put these thoughts aside and have a good time on your vacation. It might just end up being more fun than you expected

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/16/2009 11:31:14 PM
Author: Dannielle
Did you know that they wanted you to sleep in different rooms before you arrived at the vacation house? Considering you have lived together for over a year I think that is ridiculous!

some families are just traditional like that. If we were with my family, I always had to sleep separately from SO when were were just dating, and the day we got engaged, I asked, 'hey, does that mean we get to sleep in the same bed now?'. (I thought it was totally odd that FI's parents never cared if we slept together, even my extended family kept us separate, lol!) Now, we live in different states from our families, and they know that we sleep together, but I didn't mind out of respect, and I would absolutely do the same if I had children.

I don't think that it's personal at all, but I can understand how frustrating it is... it made us very creative...

ETA: I agree 100% with Kama S

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 8/16/2009 11:42:22 PM
Author: kama_s
I see where you''re coming from, but sometimes you''ve just got to suck it up for family. I think you should try and put these thoughts aside and have a good time on your vacation. It might just end up being more fun than you expected

I think it sucks that they are treating you this way, but i do agree with Karma, be the better person, try and enjoy yourself. It is after all, only 4 days, and then next time... make up some good excuse as to why you can''t go on vacation with them.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Hi Treasure, I''m sorry the vacation isn''t going well. I found your old thread on this topic https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/need-some-advice-on-fil-situation.117853/, and it looks like you two had concerns about the situation from the beginning, but gave in to pressure. Unfortunately, when you put aside your own ideals to please someone else, you''re the one who ends up getting burned.

I hope you and FI will learn from this experience, leading to a serious discussion about how to approach such things going forward. The bottom line, and why I think you feel bad, is that FI''s family disrespected your relationship, and disrespected you personally (based on the info in the previous thread), and neither you nor FI stood up to them. You are clearly still hurt about this, and seeing them all day for 4 days puts that in the forefront. I''d be mad if I were in your shoes as well.

Maybe you and FI could spend some time alone, without the family so that you guys can talk about this and come to some sort of resolution. It would be a shame to spend 4 days being upset.

Sending iHugs.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 8/16/2009 11:42:22 PM
Author: kama_s
I see where you''re coming from, but sometimes you''ve just got to suck it up for family. I think you should try and put these thoughts aside and have a good time on your vacation. It might just end up being more fun than you expected

Agreed. I doubt they mean anything by the separate rooms. My MIL made us do the same thing before we were married too!

 

[honey22]

Are you serious! Why are you putting up with this?!?! If you are required to go with them on vacation, you tell them that you require a room with your FI. If not, stay at home instead and share a bed with your FI.

Seriously, don''t let them manipulate you know, it will just get worse in the future!!

 

[bee*]

Date: 8/17/2009 1:32:40 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 8/16/2009 11:42:22 PM

Author: kama_s

I see where you''re coming from, but sometimes you''ve just got to suck it up for family. I think you should try and put these thoughts aside and have a good time on your vacation. It might just end up being more fun than you expected

Agreed. I doubt they mean anything by the separate rooms. My MIL made us do the same thing before we were married too!

ditto to both posts. My mam made myself and D do the same until we got married. It''s only for a few days.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 8/17/2009 1:12:32 AM
Author: brooklyngirl
Hi Treasure, I''m sorry the vacation isn''t going well. I found your old thread on this topic https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/need-some-advice-on-fil-situation.117853/, and it looks like you two had concerns about the situation from the beginning, but gave in to pressure. Unfortunately, when you put aside your own ideals to please someone else, you''re the one who ends up getting burned.

I hope you and FI will learn from this experience, leading to a serious discussion about how to approach such things going forward. The bottom line, and why I think you feel bad, is that FI''s family disrespected your relationship, and disrespected you personally (based on the info in the previous thread), and neither you nor FI stood up to them. You are clearly still hurt about this, and seeing them all day for 4 days puts that in the forefront. I''d be mad if I were in your shoes as well.

Maybe you and FI could spend some time alone, without the family so that you guys can talk about this and come to some sort of resolution. It would be a shame to spend 4 days being upset.

Sending iHugs.

Thanks everyone for all your posts. I agree that they didn''t mean anything by it and it''s only for a few days. However, I think it''s the whole backstory that brooklyngirl was kind enough to post that''s getting to me. It''s not just the seperate rooms, it''s the way this entire thing has happened since the beginnng and how insistant they were that we were almost required to come on this vacation. We did give in to pressure and I think I''m mad at myself for doing that. But at the same time I know this vacation meant a lot to him so I sucked it up and went. And since I''m still upset about all of the previous things, even though I''m trying not to let it, it''s nagging at me. I DO feel disrespected but I felt obligated to come on this vacation (especially since they''re paying for our reception and have been so good to me/us). Yes I know that''s not the best reason. But getting all of us together for a vacation was extremely important to them.

I tend not to stick up for myself with them out of respect for him but I do think that we might need to figure out a way to deal with things more effectively in the future so that we don''t wind up being manipulated (or at least I don''t, because he doesn''t feel manipulated). My mother is a master manipulator and loves to guilt trip me (she''s both bipolar and borderline) and I''ve learned to stand up to her but cannot seem to do the same with other close people in my life.

I guess I haven''t quite figured out how to not compromise myself and still be a good FI and future daughter-in-law

 

[tyty333]

Date: 8/17/2009 1:05:36 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree

Date: 8/16/2009 11:42:22 PM
Author: kama_s
I see where you''re coming from, but sometimes you''ve just got to suck it up for family. I think you should try and put these thoughts aside and have a good time on your vacation. It might just end up being more fun than you expected

I think it sucks that they are treating you this way, but i do agree with Karma, be the better person, try and enjoy yourself. It is after all, only 4 days, and then next time... make up some good excuse as to why you can''t go on vacation with them.

Try to have a good time while you are there but next time...dont let the pressure you into a vacay you arent going
to enjoy!

 

[LilyKat]

Hey, if it were me, I''d go along happily with the separate rooms, and just sneak into his after lights out.

Deceptive? Yes, but so what?

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Even though MIL knew we lived together (for over a year), she still had us sleep in separate rooms when we visited. She''s just really traditional that way, and we understood.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Awww, I''m sorry you''re not enjoying it. I understand how you feel. I was offered to go on vacation with FI''s family, but 2 days before we went, I found out that we were going to visit family... not really on vacation. I so didn''t want to go anymore, but it was too late to back out. I felt so awkward the entire time, and I ended up meeting over 20 new faces. It''s really hard to act cheerful when you''re not sometimes.

It''s OK and totally normal to feel sorry for yourself when you''re in a situation that you hate. It''s even more awkward, though, when the family can tell you''re not having a good time b/c then they just relentlessly pester you about it. Just try and fake that smile a few more days! Be sure to thank them for inviting you when it''s over.

 

[purrfectpear]

Bummer that you''re feeling uncomfortable and "like a child" but it''s sort of understandable. All along this engagement/wedding planning you''ve been letting others put themselves in the position of having a say in your life. When you accept financial help, the one who pays - says. Period.

If you really wanted to be treated like an adult and be able to say "hey back off, I''m an adult and this is what I want" then you needed to give up on the country club wedding, the beach vacation, and any other "help" that they may offer. I''m sorry, I know it sucks (I really do) but that''s just the reality here. When you''re older and you really DO pay for all your own parties, vacations, homes, etc. you''ll get it. The disadvantage is giving up some of the pretty-pretty-princess dreams, but the advantage is a life that you are 100% in control of.

While I personally think it''s ridiculous when parents insist on separate sleeping arrangements for engaged couples, it''s still THEIR money, THEIR invite (that you accepted), and THEIR rules.

Next time, you guys set the rules and tell them you''ll pay for your own hotel room. Sure they''ll balk and fluster and have a conniption fit, but in the end you''ll be seen as adults. Kids let mommy and daddy pick up the tab and you now know what a price that is to pay

It''s just a couple of days, suck it up and try to pretend you''re doing this as though they were YOUR parents (because soon they almost will be

).

 

[Kelli]

UGH!!! I would so hate that. Once on vacation I had to sleep with my fiance's little five year old cousin instead of him. We already lived together too and the funny thing was, we were offered beer upon walking in the door and were still underage. Nine years later and ALMOST married, we chose to stay elsewhere because we didn't even want to know whether that would still be an issue!

It's always funny when older people insist on that even though you are clearly adults, already live together, and are traveling across the country together. Weird.

Anyhow, I hope you can have a better time. Try to get through it for now and avoid it in the future. This is also why DF and I are paying for almost the entire wedding ourselves!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Although not quite the same, I can feel your frustration! My mom is having her wedding this Saturday on a boat turned into a B&B. Totally cool! And FI and I were going to be staying in one of the 4 suites aboard. But, lo and behold grandma is now also staying over night which was not expected. So FI and I are no longer able to share a room. Well, my mom gave me the choice, but I decided it wasn''t worth losing my grandma''s respect, and I was not going to spend the night away from H since he is only in town for 6 days. So we are staying at my place and not enjoying a night on a boat suite. It''s a bummer, but I think the right choice for us.

Anyways, I hope you can enjoy some of the vacation at least, try and MAKE it fun for yourself. Maybe go out on a few excursions yourself, just the two of you!

 

[cara]

PPear, your advice is only half on point. If you read more carefully, you see that Treasure didn''t actually want this vacation, nor did she go about asking for it, she was guilted into going by her crafty FMIL. See the part about the FMIL threatening to cancel the entire vacation for all the other family members because Treasure might not come or might have to leave early for her work obligations. Treasure tried to decline but ultimately caved to the pressure and went so as to not rock the family-relations boat and also to not ruin other people''s vacation, and *not* because she was trying to weedle her way into a free vacation on her own terms but the IL''s dime.

Treasure, I think you are absolutely right to feel manipulated and pressured because you were manipulated and pressured. BUT having decided to go, it is time to put on your big girl pants and stand by your decision (to *let* yourself be manipulated) and enjoy your vacation and their company without bitterness.

However, consider your eyes opened to the ways of your FMIL and how her family caves to her. In the future, the way to feel better not bitter is to make your own decision about what is a reasonable course of action in regards to her invitations to family events and then STICK TO IT while being prepared for her to throw a fit and hurl all kinds of emotionally laden guilt-crap at you in retaliation. Such as, maybe everyone else misses their family beach trip because she decided to hold the whole trip hostage to your attendance, even though she scheduled it unreasonably close to your start of school year. Do not expect her to be a reasonable person with reasonable expectations of you, because she has just demonstrated to you how she works and what her family has allowed her to get away with all these years.

Frankly, what worries me most is your FI''s perspective. If he sees his mothers threats and manipulations as over the top, and is willing to stand up to her more unreasonable requests and accept only those that suit his and your life, with a minimum of guilty feelings, then you are all set as a couple. If he does not yet see the toxicity to her manipulative methods, then you are in for trouble. Its one thing for him to decide to cater to her whims when it is convenient for your both (or only mildly inconvenient.) It''s an entirely different ball of wax for him to allow his mother to keep pulling strings when it is against the better interests of his wife or any possible future children. Please keep that in mind - you don''t want to put yourself in an adversarial role with his mother, but you absolutely definitely want to know that he will see his mother''s toxicity for what it is (as it is toxicity and it surely will come up again), and that he will help limit its influence in your lives. Good luck!

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/17/2009 5:08:06 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Bummer that you''re feeling uncomfortable and ''like a child'' but it''s sort of understandable. All along this engagement/wedding planning you''ve been letting others put themselves in the position of having a say in your life. When you accept financial help, the one who pays - says. Period.

If you really wanted to be treated like an adult and be able to say ''hey back off, I''m an adult and this is what I want'' then you needed to give up on the country club wedding, the beach vacation, and any other ''help'' that they may offer. I''m sorry, I know it sucks (I really do) but that''s just the reality here. When you''re older and you really DO pay for all your own parties, vacations, homes, etc. you''ll get it. The disadvantage is giving up some of the pretty-pretty-princess dreams, but the advantage is a life that you are 100% in control of.

While I personally think it''s ridiculous when parents insist on separate sleeping arrangements for engaged couples, it''s still THEIR money, THEIR invite (that you accepted), and THEIR rules.

Next time, you guys set the rules and tell them you''ll pay for your own hotel room. Sure they''ll balk and fluster and have a conniption fit, but in the end you''ll be seen as adults. Kids let mommy and daddy pick up the tab and you now know what a price that is to pay

It''s just a couple of days, suck it up and try to pretend you''re doing this as though they were YOUR parents (because soon they almost will be

).

Ditto.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 8/17/2009 7:39:54 PM
Author: cara
PPear, your advice is only half on point. If you read more carefully, you see that Treasure didn''t actually want this vacation, nor did she go about asking for it, she was guilted into going by her crafty FMIL. See the part about the FMIL threatening to cancel the entire vacation for all the other family members because Treasure might not come or might have to leave early for her work obligations. Treasure tried to decline but ultimately caved to the pressure and went so as to not rock the family-relations boat and also to not ruin other people''s vacation, and *not* because she was trying to weedle her way into a free vacation on her own terms but the IL''s dime.

Nope, I didn''t miss that for a second. But the bottom line remains. If you''re an adult and you don''t want to be treated like a kid, then you have to act like an adult and live with your adult decisions. Manipulation only works when you cave to it. This would never have happened to me, and it needn''t have happened to Treasure. She LET it happen (with help from sonny boy, her FI). This is no different than when people get angry and say "see how you MADE me act, see how angry YOU made me...". Sorry, not going to accept that. You CHOOSE to let yourself feel angry, you choose to get upset, lose your temper, or whatever.

In this case Treasure either needed to accept the fact that she decided it was best to participate in the vacation to keep peace in the family AND gracefully accept the terms that come with that decision (aka no whining like a kid later), OR...decide that she did not accept the terms, and either tough it out with MIL pouting about her not going, OR...decide to go on HER terms paying for their own room.

I do agree that the future holds more of MIL controlling things and Treasure feeling resentment, if Treasure doesn''t learn to work around MIL. There''s nothing gained by putting your own self in a position that makes you uncomfortable and complaining about what you did to yourself IMO.

 

[cara]

PPear, I did say you were half on-point.

Treasure absolutely let herself be manipulated and now needs to gracefully deal with where she''s ended up. But in your first post, you insinuated that her reasons for caving were for materialistic gain ("free" beach vacation) similar to a bride that wants all the trimming for her wedding without the inlaw-strings because she has "pretty-pretty-princess dreams". Those insinuations were undeserved. Treasure''s actual reasons for caving paint her in a more sympathetic light: she prioritized family harmony with her FMIL and her FI''s desire not to make waves and she was susceptible to a guilt-trip about ruining everyone else''s vacation that led her to go when she was inclined to stay home and attend to her work obligations.

Why do her motives make a difference? Because she needs confidence. Confidence that her FMIL is manipulative and at times unreasonable, and that the *proper* response is to politely and firmly resist such manipulations even if she is blamed for ridiculous things or her FMIL guilts her. Or else she will keep ending up slightly bitter on unasked-for vacations and probably much more horrible things if this isn''t nipped in the bud now. To change the pattern, she will need a backbone, as clearly FMIL has been getting her own way with her family members for quite some time. That Treasure''s FI doesn''t also see the problem with his mother''s behavior is an issue. And I''m not referring to the sleeping-in-separate beds edict. That is par for the course for some parents, and will be solved soon enough!

Good luck Treasure! Hopefully the beach isn''t too miserable.

 

[Treasure43]

Thanks for all the advice everyone! FI and I had a long talk today and he told me that he hadn''t realized how difficult this would be for both of us. In the future, we''ve agreed not to do anything because we''re guilt tripped into it and to make the decision that is right for us. He''s also said that he realizes how his mother/family comes across at times and will be more aware of it in the future because I am his number one priority and we need to stick up for each other because we''re a family and make decisions that make us happy.

I feel much better now and I know now that we''ve learned a lesson about ourselves and his family. We''ll continue to learn these lessons as we work through these things together and I think our ability to communicate makes things much easier.

I dont think I clarified in a post earlier that in actuality it was his father that threatened to cancel the vacation if I/we didn''t come and I think that was said out of frustration, though it doesn''t change how I felt. His mother told him that we would come when we could and work obligations need to come first. She and I actually had a talk about it and I let her know (gracefully) how I felt and she understood. She and I don''t see eye to eye on everything but I honestly don''t think she''s trying to manipulate me. His parents planned this beach trip and really wanted us to come so we could realx before I went back to work and so FI could have a vacation and so I could spend more time getting to know his sister. I think that''s why there was that reaction when we weren''t sure we could come. It''s not the ideal reaction but I think there hearts were in the right place.


My FI is the one everyone reliies on and he hates to let people down. Thus, he tends to want to please those around him, which I think is why he didn''t want to see what we were compromising by coming on this trip on his parents terms. I don''t think anyone meant any harm and I think it was all a lack of communication and us not standing up for what we want, which we will do in the future.

His mother is not manipulative and controlling and I''m sorry if I cast her in that light, I think it was just me venting. And trust me, I know manipulative and controlling. My mother and grandmother are the queens of both of those things. His parents honestly want us to be happy and I don''t think they understood how we fully felt about the entire thing, again as it wasn''t communicated. As for me wanting the princess wedding, that is not at all true. His parents offered to help us out and they honestly don''t expect anything in return. I''m just so used to MY mother offering things with strings attatched (and manipulating the heck out of me) that I assume that all parents are like that.

Anyway, we''re going to enjoy the beach for the next few days and then plan a romantic vacation for just the two of us when we get back home

 

[cindygenit]

Great to hear you resolved this issue treasure enjoy yourself at the beach!

 

[brooklyngirl]

So glad you''ve resolve the issue for this time, and more importantly for next time. Enjoy the rest of your vacation!