Trying not to slip up.

[KCCutie]

Okay ladies I''m really trying not to go totally nuts here, but I think I''m slipping a little and need you to whip me back into shape.

I''m actually pretty upset at how far I let myslef slip....tonight I actually told my FF "If I am not the next person I know who gets engaged I''ll be really upset." Alright I know that may have been a little harsh but seriosuly this wedding mania in his family is pushing me over the edge. There''s no one left among his friends/family who might be getting engaged and today I found out that my brother (who never even dates) has a girlfriend. Somehow I just snapped...I though OMG my brother has a GF now he could beat me to it.....okay that''s a little crazy but it''s possible. I fully recognize that this behaviour is not okay and I don''t like it, but obviously this is eating at me. Normally I''m not liek this but when phrases like that just slip out I know I''m dangerously close to the edge. Sure I may think things like that to myself occasionally or indulge a bit and share with my BFF or my sister, but it''s not something I usually say around my FF. I don''t want him to feel pressured.

I''m just not a patient person and I''ve been excited about getting engaged since we first talked about it in March, and it doesn''t help that we had plans for this Fall and...well, life happened. In my mind I know why we aren''t engaged yet and it''s not b/c we don''t love each other or we don''t want to be enagaged but my heart just isn''t taking it so well. My FF is in a wedding for his cousin on Saturday and I love his cousin and his bride to be very much but weddings set me on this emotional rollercoster that I really hate. I went through this all a few weeks ago when his sister got married and I''m afraid I''m going to be a basket case. His family is so vocal and open about the fact that they think we''ll be the next couple to be engaged and at the last wedding I actually had to run off to the ladies room a couple time so they wouldn''t see me lose it.

So what can I do...what should I tell myself so that I can keep it together and what do I say when people bring it up (b/c they will) I don''t want to be rude but I just can''t talk about it without tearing up.

 

[jcarlylew82]

are you "planning" your wedding now? i ask because when E mentioned about going to the jewelry store 8 months ago, i had the wedding planned in a week. and 8 months later, we are not engaged yet. and while i was doing the planning it was so hard to no be engaged. even my friend wanted to take me dress shopping. so i had to put a stop to it. once that happened, it helped make the time go by. Once our anny passed, i did need to get more of a time frame from E to "whet my appetite", if you will.
Its easy to say "start a new project to keep yourself busy" but i know in all reality it is not as easy as it sounds. fortunately my new job has be so busy (er...except today!! )that i have no down time to "plan" or think about weddings.

 

[KCCutie]

No, actually I haven''t been planning. We want to do a DW so there was some time a while back when I spent a lot of my down time looking at resorts we may want to use. My FF pretty much hates the whole planning phase and any time his sister or cousin''s wife to be talked about it he''d just roll his eyes and leave the room so I stayed away from that (more for him than for me).

I think what makes it hard for me is that we had a plan to buy a house and get engaged in like September and things happened and that plan fell apart, so part of me feels like I should already be engaged and I got shafted. I think part of me feels it''s just not fair that I have to wiat...I know that''s childish, so the other part just pushes through it. I think I''m just getting to the point where moving past it and pushing through it are really tough and I don''t know how much longer I can do it and stay sane.

 

[bee*]

Has he given you any indication of when you guys will be engaged or is it just all up in the air? Maybe you could say it to you family and friends that you''d prefer it if they didn''t mention the engagement until you guys are actually engaged. I know that they mean well saying it to you but if it upsets you that much, it might be worth mentioning it to them. I''m not sure what happened in fall to change things, but if you both want to get engaged, you can go ahead and do so, with or without a ring if that''s what the problem is.

 

[purrfectpear]

Get your own apartment. In your case, nothing will make you feel worse about the current situation than the fact that you are playing house without a ring.

You weren''t keen on the idea to begin with. Now that you are working again, I think you''ll feel better with your independence back

 

[miss_flo]

I''ve been there, and (although I''m not speaking for the other LIWs as a whole) I know other girls here have felt that same embarrassment and disappointment for "slipping up" too. That''s why we have each other, to whip us back into shape

I really think a good venting session with a girlfriend could help, just to blow off steam every time you start feeling the pressure build. Normally that''s not the best way of handling a relationship woe, but in this case it''s not that something is wrong with you both, it''s just that the "formality" of being a silent, patient, understanding LIW is too much to handle. And that''s perfectly okay. Go have a girls only night, commiserate with a friend, and just have some time away from the boy. When you come home, you''ll at least be a little refreshed and relaxed

 

[KCCutie]

Bee* - I have told him many times I don''t need a ring to be engaged but he has an idea of the way it should be and he doesn''t want to do anything else. He won''t got for the buying the band first or getting something smaller now and upgrading, believe me I tried. What happened was we had planned to buy a house and get engaged before we moved in in September. Then in Aug. I lost my job, so of course the house fell through and spending money on a ring didn''t seem like the smart thing to do. So logically I know it''s no one''s fault (expect my old boss who didn''t pay his taxes and caused the job to disappear) so I try not to be angery but disappointed is another story. Also it''s his family that talks about it all the time and I did ask him to tell them to hush a little but he can''t control them any more than I can control my family. Maybe I should just let one of them that I''m close to see how upsetting it is andmaybe then they''ll get the picture....I''m being so strong about it maybe they just don''t know how it makes me feel.

PerfectPear - You''re kind of right I do feel a little uneasy about "playing house" without the ring but the job I have is a contract job that I hope will turn permanent but it''s not a sure thing so I can''t really go out and get my own place just yet. If this goes on a few more months and I''m permanently placed in my position I may consider moving back out. I really hope it doesn''t come to that though.

News girl- Thanks a girls night may really help. Maybe before the wedding I''ll go for a mani/pedi and invite my BFF for some girl time. For now off to the regearsal dinner....deep breaths. *sigh*

 

[radiantquest]

what did he say? maybe if you talk to him normally and not let the frustration build up and let out some of your feelings you will feel better

 

[tessari]

I just want to second NewsGirl in that I''ve definitely been there...it''s like a cycle, I get all riled up and then I calm down for a couple of weeks and then I get all crazy again. I''ve accepted it as just part of being a LIW and I just try to rationalize with myself so I avoid expressing these feelings to him. The family stuff can definitely set it off--recently we spent a weekend with his parents and all they could talk about was our engagement party (the date for the party is already set bc we had to buy our flights) and when we came home all these engagement thoughts were floating in my head and I just kind of exploded....silly bc I already know exactly when I will be engaged by the end of May but it seems so far off and I want a closer date. But anyway, I know what you mean, unless there are some unresolved issues between you two the best thing to do may be to ride it out.